» Pet Peeves

Where do I start?...
Crap TV - Not just the pathetic reality-nonsense and "Fame Academy"-style pigswill that lurks in the evening and late night - the entire first half of the day seems devoted to persuading people to turn the TV off and do something worthwhile. Pity so many people don't realise this simple fact. If all TV stations had half a conscience, they'd just start broadcasting at around 6pm instead.
Asinine Tabloids - Imagine the collective pain of a whole Norwegian pine forest felled for the sole purpose to fuel modern media-masturbated anxiety about little girls being kidnapped, drug-addicted git rockstars being arrested (again) and how immigrants are apparently eroding this country's special little society. etc, etc.
Dogs. - They stink, make terrible noises, slobber disgustingy, don't clean up after themselves. And they give me asthma attacks. Sure, there are some truly loving, useful and intellegent dogs, but the vast majority of them are simply a moronic waste of space and food.
MP3 Phones - Simply the worst invention ever. Used all-too-often by idiots who can't be arsed to get a pair of headphones, wouldn't know quality audio was if it jumped up and stuffed itself in their ears, and seem to think that everyone else needs a quality musical education on a par with theirs (and that we don't entertain thoughts of smashing their stupid noisemaking device if they don't stop piping their inane, tinny shite from it.) Wankers.
Pathetic Abbreviations - This nonsense just makes me cringe. LOL? Yeah, your tongue's lolling alright, you lingustic fecktard. I'm surprised that you were actually bothered to use the SHIFT key.
Robot Doctors - I am a human being. I deserve to be treated as such. I know they work long hours and have to deal with dickheads that don't listen to their advice, but I listen. And I expect them to listen back.
Terror Laws - Cleverly formulated to terrorise us, the fickle, stupid and bovine public. For instance, I'm just waiting for the day that a bored policeman (or god forbid it, a PCSO) stops me in the street for taking a photo "in a suspicious manner".
Religious Nutters - Maintaining that the World wasn't created in six days by "God", using a condom, and insisting that Joe Religion's way isn't the only way doesn't make me spiritually and/or morally lacking. Heaven and Hell are not places, they are states of mind. No, the World isn't ending, Mr Nutter, go home... Also, putting some money in a collection plate is just fine by me, but there's no need to go mad. (yes, Mr Hubbard.) AND STOP BLOWING THINGS UP, IDIOTS!
Crematoria - Continuing on a religious strand, these depressing, soul-less, watered-down places couldn't look less spiritual if they tried. As if the departed's friends and family aren't upset enough, they sometimes have to visit on of these incinerators with breezeblocks tacked onto the side and try to make up reasons why they shouldn't jump on the conveyor with the coffin. I'd rather go to a funeral service in a branch of McDonalds. At least it would be over a bit quicker there.
I mean, if people are so bent on being burnt up after they die, at least do it with some style (Big funeral pyre, anyone? Burning boat?) or use the heat generated for something useful.
Unnecessarily Big Cars - Yeah, all you lot who drive your kid to school every day in an SUV, scrape the tramps and pigeons off the bullbars every Sunday, and complain about the price of the fuel. ("Oh, it does 20mpg. Good for it's size, really!") Pricks. I hate cars.

Ooh, I'm actually quite an angry man. I wish I wasn't. I'm sure there are so many more things that make me furious, but I'm actually glad I don't remember what they are right now.
Do excuse the length, takes a while to extract it all from my body.
(Sun 4th May 2008, 15:40, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Homeopathy.
What a sack of lies.

I also don't understand what people see in:
Cosmetic Surgery.
Christ on a bike, why do people do it? A cross-section [haha, pun] of the human race seems to be bent on making themselves all look exactly the same. Like a human version of McDonalds, I suppose. One Taste Worldwide...

Electric Cars.
They're still going to run on mostly non-renewable electricity, for fexake. And get a green-painted one too while you're at it, that'll save an extra forest or two while assuaging your throbbing eco-guilt a little more.

Really cheap & nasty food.
Why do we devalue our food so much that it becomes little more than edible rubbish? Only a minority (mostly the rich) used to be obese, now look at us. Remember, the food's half price - now you can buy twice as much!

The BNP.
I really don't see how any human being with more than a few seconds of education and a suggestion of any common sense can even consider having ANYTHING to do with these ignorant specimens.

Mobile 'Phones.
Every time you buy a new mobile, an African child is made homeless and provided with a nice AK-47 free of charge. Just as long as he kills his parents with it.
OK, that was a cruelly sweeping generalisation, but you get the idea.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 0:37, More)

» Kids

Sexytime Explosion = Population Explosion.
Children, eh? Who'd have them?
Apparently a lot of people. Far too many.
I'm scared of them. We all used to be children (kids reading this, take note) so we know how agonisingly terrible they can be. Not that it's ultimately their fault, though. I'm scared of them because It's the fault of the grown-ups (or teenagers -- OK, let's just say older humans) that sired them and the society that they live in, that makes them trouble. Oh, and the Vatican, too.
Today a man trying to sell me books in the street was remarking on how many kids died every minute in the world. I replied to him - asking if he knew how many kids were born every minute. He mumbled something and changed the subject. I didn't mean to be harsh on the poor (nice) fellow, though. These things just have to be brought up.
I do know how lovely, wonderful and cute, etc. kids can be. But please, people of Planet Earth - Think twice before you turn the other cheek to contraception!

Ah, bollocks. You all know we are heading for a Malthusian holocaust anyway. Forget the condoms, everyone have fun before the world's food supply runs out and we resort to cannibalism!
Mmmm, brains!... But what a horrible thought. Those left alive will probably all have smiling sickness! Then you'll see what we've become.
Happy happy joy joy!

And so, what of true undesirables? Well, you know what the late great Bill Hicks said - PUT 'EM IN THE MOVIES!
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 1:50, More)

» Phobias

Not so much deep water...
but any kind of dark hole inside a body of water, especially the kind found in swimming pools (even those with a grating over). They are pools of black oblivion to me.
For some reason I'm terrified of getting my foot stuck in one of these - and thus either drowning in the deep end of a horrible, urine-tainted, chlorinated pool. Or bizarrely being sucked down into it, and presumably drowning (or being mashed up in the pool's water-pumping machinery / being dragged into hell / appearing in another dimension / etc.) Whenever I notice my feet (or any other part of my body) getting near one of these, I flail about pathetically like a drowning puppy in a desperate attempt to distance myself from the said watery black maw of doom.
And don't get me started about those big wave-machine gratings. I ain't going near those. No feckin' way.

I reckon I should blame all this on watching "The Blob" (the more gruesome remake) on TV when I was a little'un. Think of the bit where that bloke in the kitchen gets completely sucked into the plug-hole of a sink and pureed somehow.
Ah, childhood fears... I'd like to say they don't torment me to this day, but they do. I haven't been near a swimming pool in ages.
(Wed 16th Apr 2008, 10:48, More)