» Puns

Secret extract
"Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am a werewolf."

Harry recoiled in both fear and disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his professor crumbled away underneath his clenched fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too."
(Sat 7th Mar 2009, 17:13, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Farts are funny
Farts are funny, full stop. I've already giggled at the fart related posts for this question so far.

My worse moment would of had to be when I was working in a care home. I had dodgy guts all day due to a hangover and far too much red bull, and I often had to stop in a disused corridor to avoid causalities. It came to meal time, and I was helping to pass around the plates, when the urge came so desperately. I snuck one out passing by a particularly difficult old dear, and took off to the other end of the room. On returning for more plates, I overheard some of the senior carers discussing the poor woman I had dropped one by.

"Oh dear," one exclaimed, "I do think Mary's had an accident."

By this point I was laughing so hard I had to go busy myself, and I did try to go over and admit that I had dropped a nasty by her, but my nerves got the better of me. So poor old Mary kicked up a huge fuss as she was wheeled out to be changed, her innocence falling on deaf ears.

She died a week or so later. I hope I had nothing to do with it..
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 15:12, More)

» Pet Peeves

Old people on the bus
Old people on buses drive me up the wall. I reckon they should have an upper age limit; once you're over seventy, you can just fuck off.

Firstly, there's the rush to the bus at the bus stop. Those old fuckers shuffle around town and get in the way of shop doorways all the live long day, but fuck me, they can FLY when they hear the bus coming. Their wrinkled faces set in determination as they cling to their bus passes and oversized purses, just DARING you to make a fuss because, I don't know, YOU'VE BEEN WAITING AT THAT SODDING BUS STOP TWENTY MINUTES LONGER THAN THOSE OLD CUNTS. WHATS MORE, AFTER ACTUAL WORK, NOT JUST DAWDLING FROM SHOP TO SHOP, DECIDING WHAT FUCKING BRAND OF BISCUITS TO TRY THIS WEEK, THEN SETTLING FOR BASTARD BOURBOURNS.

It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't take a fucking YEAR to get their tickets, setting down their huge ass shopping back to fiddle through their purse, when they've had seventy or so years to get their change/pass out READY. They laugh, chuckle, and flirt with the bus driver, as if they've got all the time in the world, when ACTUALLY the grains of sand are always falling.

Then, it comes to actual seating. Well, WHEN they actually sit down. They just tend to stand in the aisle, exclaiming 'OH, HELLO MABEL' to another of their fellow coffin dodgers, somewhat forgetting they're on a bus and there's PEOPLE who just want to sit the fuck down before the bus starts moving. Then, shock of shock, you're supposed to give up your seat for them if there's none left. When you actually PAY for your seat!

... okay, so I do give up my seat for the old feckers. And have I ONCE been thanked for it? Nope. They just give me a superior smirk as they settle down, shopping bags blocking the actual aisle I'm supposed to stand in. Even when I was on crutches one time, I stood up for the old feckers since I only had one stop to go, and they had the cheek to moan about ungrateful young persons. LO, I WAS CRIPPLED AND STANDING. FUCK YOU, GRANNY GRIMBLES.

And the bastards aren't as deaf as they'd leave you to believe. I casually remarked to my acquaintance on getting onto a bus packed to the windows with fogies that 'the stench of death was strong in here', when I got a few evils from some of the ones sat way down at the front.

Graah... *rants*
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 0:13, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Megan Fox
Why she's seen as being the most attractive woman ever is beyond me. She's even being called the next Angelina Jolie despite the fact that she's no-where near as gorgeous, and that her acting abilities seem to be limited to her standing there and looking "hawt". She's got a horrible square, squashed looking face, and her nose is such an odd and squashed shape. She's got beautiful eyes, I'll give her that, but the rest? Buh?
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 13:07, More)

» My most gullible moment

Not really related..
I tried to tell my mum the Reese Witherspoon joke but it backfired quite spectacularly.

Me: Oh noes! Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed?
Mum: What? Who was it?
Me: You know, that actress... ugh, what's her name? Reese... Reese..
Mum: Oh oh oh! I know her.. um...
Me: She was in Legally Blond..
Mum: ... Reese.. wasn't she the one in Bridget Jones' Diary?
Me: ... that was Renée Zellweger.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
(Sat 23rd Aug 2008, 12:05, More)