» Drunk Parents

Stuff
My parents are a really cosy couple. They do everything together, and it's nauseatingly sweet. For as long as I can remember they used to share a bottle of wine in the evenings while watching TV, allowing themselves to relax after a long day of work or bringing us lot up. The fire would be on, if we were lucky we'd get a sip, and we'd just get to see this whole other side to our parents, who were more like friends than grown ups.

Unfortunately they don't do that any more. Since my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons, he can't drink with his medication, and usually just falls asleep in the evenings. My mother doesn't like to drink by herself, since she thinks it's unfair that my dad can't join in. Some nights it's just like it used to be, they make jokes, they make fun of the television programs they're watching. But more often than not it's watching them in silence.

I'd give anything for them to be able to share that bottle of wine again. My parents are, and always have been, honest, hard working people. It's hardly fair that the one luxury they ever really allowed themselves was taken away from them.
(Tue 1st Mar 2011, 17:53, More)

» Puns

Secret extract
"Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am a werewolf."

Harry recoiled in both fear and disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his professor crumbled away underneath his clenched fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too."
(Sat 7th Mar 2009, 17:13, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Farts are funny
Farts are funny, full stop. I've already giggled at the fart related posts for this question so far.

My worse moment would of had to be when I was working in a care home. I had dodgy guts all day due to a hangover and far too much red bull, and I often had to stop in a disused corridor to avoid causalities. It came to meal time, and I was helping to pass around the plates, when the urge came so desperately. I snuck one out passing by a particularly difficult old dear, and took off to the other end of the room. On returning for more plates, I overheard some of the senior carers discussing the poor woman I had dropped one by.

"Oh dear," one exclaimed, "I do think Mary's had an accident."

By this point I was laughing so hard I had to go busy myself, and I did try to go over and admit that I had dropped a nasty by her, but my nerves got the better of me. So poor old Mary kicked up a huge fuss as she was wheeled out to be changed, her innocence falling on deaf ears.

She died a week or so later. I hope I had nothing to do with it..
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 15:12, More)

» Twattery

King of the Twats
My cousin is a complete and utter twat. He's 38 years old, jobless, lives at home with his mum rent free, and gets away with murder because he's a black man in a predominantly white village. He knows this, and has used it to his advantage ever since he was a little kid.

My aunt is getting on in her years, she's just passed fifty, and she should be starting to think of retiring from her job as a nurse, right? Wrong. My cousin decided they needed more money to do the house up, and so he found her a second job in a nursing home. She's working over fifty hours a week, and my cousin takes her wages right out of her hand. If she refuses, he'll steal it from her. She even keeps her purse on her at all hours to stop him from taking the money she needs for food and rent.

My cousin then uses said money to buy cheap cider. We're talking at least eight bottles a day, and he has no shame at all in admitting that it's his mother's money. He then uses it to buy drugs up in the city, and he'll try and peddle them off on some of the teenagers in the village. He swans around in designer gear while my aunt is stuck with charity shop rejects. He recently got a hair cut that cost him over £200, only to shave it off when the locals laughed at how stupid it looked. (Like someone had dumped hairy spaghetti over his head).

My cousin also has a taste for young girls, anywhere from mid teens to early twenties. He followed a pretty 17 year old from up the road home, and continued to lounge around outside the front of her house until her mother came out and threatened to call the police. He also verbally abused a female ASDA driver who was making a delivery at our house; she came to us in tears, and we knew right off the bat who it was. We told her to report him, and that if she happened to be delivering to us again, that she could pull the van down onto our driveway to avoid him.

He's sexist, by the way. He's happy threatening women, but he gets all defensive and jokey if a man steps in. He's a tall man, and he's very muscular with it, and he'll only pick on women.

Recently my cousin and aunt have had one of their bathrooms redone, and one day, the builder working on it received a call saying that his father had died. He apologised and said he was unable to carry on for the rest of the day, and left. My cousin, my work shy, TWAT of a cousin then called the company to complain. He kept calling, kept complaining, and now that poor man may actually lose his job. This actually makes me so angry I'm shaking right now, my cousin is a complete and UTTER cunt. He knew FULL well the man's father had died, the man APOLOGISED, and yet he still had to go and whine about it to the company.

He constantly comes in the shop threatening to smash the place up, threatening to steal stuff, and yet he's not been banned because he's black. I know this, I work there. He's threatened us on more than one occasion, saying that he's going to follow my co-worker down the road and smash his head in. I happened to be working one time when he said that, and I, shy, awkward person that I am, actually bollocked him for saying something so awful.

I think twat is far too kind a word for him in all honesty. He's a complete cunt and one day he's going to cross the wrong person, and have his fucking head kicked in. He's a nasty, spoilt little brat, and my aunt doesn't help matters by pandering to him, and insisting that we don't like him because he's black. She's alienating herself from the rest of the family as there's only so much we can do to help her. She even came close to shunning my brother because my cousin wasn't invited to his wedding, only the after party.

I stress this part, the actual wedding party WAS very small. It was close friends and intimate family only, none of our other cousins were invited to that part of it, and they were completely happy with that. But cousin acted all put out and complained so much to his aunt that she in turn complained to my dad, who politely told her that if he had it his own way, cousin wouldn't be invited AT ALL.

To top it all off, the cunt didn't even turn up.

Wow, this turned into a rant. In short my cousin is a complete and utter twat, who does twatty things every day of his twatty life.
(Tue 17th Apr 2012, 17:59, More)

» I didn't do it

Roasting of Peas
My worse moment would have had to be when I was working in a care home. I had dodgy guts all day due to a hangover and far too much red bull, and I often had to stop in a disused corridor to avoid causalities. It came to meal time, and I was helping to pass around the plates, when the urge came so desperately. I snuck one out passing by a particularly difficult old dear, and took off to the other end of the room. On returning for more plates, I overheard some of the senior carers discussing the poor woman I had dropped one by.

"Oh dear," one exclaimed, "I do think Mary's had an accident."

By this point I was laughing so hard I had to go busy myself, and I did try to go over and admit that I had dropped a nasty by her, but my nerves got the better of me. So poor old Mary kicked up a huge fuss as she was wheeled out to be changed, her innocence falling on deaf ears.

She died a week or so later. I hope I had nothing to do with it..
(Fri 16th Sep 2011, 16:14, More)