» Food sabotage

Taking the Daz Challenge: A Tale of Feeble Revenge
I have two older brothers, and whilst I was growing up, the younger of the two was a horrid, smelly, bully to me. There was only one instance where I was pushed to the point of revenge...

One day when I was about 7 and he was 10, he politely suggested I test out his DIY zip wire which he had created between trees in our Dad's garden. Since he had tricked me by going up the tree to "check out the amazing view", then pulled away the ladder and ignored my crying and begging for the good part of an hour, I accepted his proposal.
However, as the zip wire's "handle bar" was simply a piece of plastic clothes line, it naturally snapped as soon as it felt the strain of my weight (and I wasn't even a chubby little urchin).
Whilst lying in pain and shock on the ground (and part of the ladder -ouch) I recalled something disturbing... Whilst I was hurtling through the branches I caught sight of my brother's face - which was lit up with a huge deranged grin and demonic gleeful eyes. That, coupled with the fact that he scarpered as soon as I touched ground led me to suspect that he did not hold much regard for his little sister's life...

So I decided that I would lightly poison him.
My Dad had brought me some sweets to console me after I "fell down" and whilst munching on them I hatched my plan...
I emptied the sherbert from a Sherbert Dib Dab and replaced it with Daz washing powder. Then I walked up to my brother and feigned feeling sick from too many sweets and offered him the sugary treat...
Watching his face contort and seeing the congealed bluey-white gunk spew out of his mouth whilst he retched was HIGHLY satisfying! It was his own fault for ignoring the lollypop and tipping the sherbert straight down his gullet...

Looking back I feel it was an inadequate attempt at revenge, but at the time I thought Daz to be fairly toxic - even fatal.

Oh and to get revenge on my revenge he put me in a suitcase and rolled me down the stairs. For some reason he decided to shove a clock into the suitcase with me- not really sure why. Ah well- great days!

We're now good chums but he still likes to bring up my attempt at "murder by poisoning"- pah.
(Wed 24th Sep 2008, 13:41, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Church and Eddie Murphy...
My elder brothers and I were fans of the film "Coming to America" from an early age, however, this meant most of the humour went over my young innocent head...

So when my brothers encouraged me to quote from the film in public I saw no problem with this...

We were all forced by our mum to go to church until we were 12 and old enough to make up our own minds about religion..

During one Sunday service- (I was 5/6 year old blonde haired, blue eyed girly) I was nudged by my brothers and therefore given my cue...
So I looked up at the nice old lady next to me, gave her my most innocent look and told her I had a secret to tell her. When she'd leant down to be face level, I whispered clearly and calmly into her ear "I worship the Devil", then looked in her eyes and smiled sweetly.

Her eyes went wide as a wide thing and her mouth dropped open. She then took my mum aside to have words with her about me... Sorry Mum!

I think the good people of our church couldn't wait for my 12th birthday to roll around..
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 12:52, More)

» Cringe!

Mingling with the work folk...
Nothing major.... But for some reason this has happened a few times at the current job I'm at, and when I was a newbie to add to the embarrassment..

Walking past someone and hearing them say "Hi" or "Hi, you alright?", so me merrily chirping back "Hiya, yeah I'm good thanks, you?"....

.. then realising they're on the phone and talking to that person.... oopsies...
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 14:44, More)

» Tightwads

A family thing
There were always stories of my Nanny's ways to save money...
For example, stealing all the free sausage rolls that our local Barclays Bank had laid out for customers to celebrate Christmas..

And the time she had the neighbour's son over for the weekend to trim her huuuuge garden... the poor guy sweated for 2 days straight and she refused to pay him anything as he had accidently bent a flower head...

I was witness to two events of her stinginess....
Once I was about 12 years old, I was in town and bumped into her. She said she would give me some pocket money... hurrah thought I, even though I would have to walk with her around the supermarket as she did her weekly shopping so she could get some change.
This took a not so good 45 mins... and at the end she dug out 50p and offered it to me... I thought it hadn't really been worth it, but hey, it could still buy me a few drumsticks and wham bars (important things at the age of 12)..
But then she suddenly shook her head, put the 50p back into her purse and said "sorry, I have bills" and then walked off..... Not impressed..

Another time we were having a pub lunch, at the end of the meal she took the plate containing my brother's levftover ketchup covered chips and started emptying them directly into her handbag... the waitress saw this and came over insisting she could get Nanny a doggy bag... But Nanny assured her it was fine, she was taking the chips home for her dog. There were two things wrong with this statement:
1- I'm not sure dogs are huge fans of chips...
2- She didn't even have a dog.

Strange days.



Oh and I've been told that a tramp once asked my Uncle for 10p for a cup of tea. My Uncle apparently gave him 50p and demanded change...
(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 12:30, More)

» Eccentrics

Norwich Puppet Man
Huzzah!

He stands outside Primark in Norwich with a trolley and a stereo. He plays a wonderful array of music whilst singing (droning) along with a grubby puppet on each hand...

He has a Facebook page- so you know he's made it!
(Wed 5th Nov 2008, 9:39, More)