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» Customers from Hell
I've had my fair share....
...of customers from hell. I used to work for a Sheffield based ISP that may or may not sponsor a local team that plays in blue and white.
Now as I worked in one of the Tech Support teams, you could be guaranteed that 99.999% of customers who called were going to be pissed off for one reason or another.
Some examples of the mouth breathing offspring of a retarded mongoose that I had to deal with are as follows:
One guy who calles up and advised that his internet wouldn't work, I went through all of the standard diagnostics and came to the conclusion that the problem was a line fault and needed to be reported to BT, he kindly informed me that this made sense and could it possibly be something to do with the telegraph pole outside of his house that had blown over??
An old lady who was somewhat hard of hearing and kept telling me not to get too technical on her when running through tests, the fact that I was only asking her to advise whether or not the lights on her router were on or off was irrelevent. (It turned out that she didn't have the router plugged in, this was apparently the fault of the company!) Once the issue was resolved she kindly told me to "Go Fuck Myself" before putting the phone down. (Normally I would be offended, but theres something about old people swearing that makes me chuckle!)
Numerous people called up complaining about their internet service, but funnily enough I couldn't find their details on the system. The conversation generally went something along the lines of:
Me - "Are you sure that we are your ISP"
Them - "Of course I'm, bloody sure you idiot, what do you take me for?"
swiftly followed by:
"I've been with BT/Orange/AOL for years!".
Me - "Ah but sir/madam/cocknose, this is P**N**, not BT/Orange/AOL".
Them - "Oh right. Well in that case put me through to BT/Orange/AOL!
Me - ????
My all time favourites were the people who thought that they were the uber god of all technology, whose infinite knowledge of all things technical gave them the right to come across as cocky bags of shite who generally treat us as total bastards. (I used to make up technical sounding terms and talk complete bollocks and they would nod and agree with everything that I said which basically showed them to be the complete Fucktards that they were).
One particular guy that I remember came through to me complaining that he could not access the setup page of his router, he was convinced that the router was faulty and wanted to return it:
Me: What appears to be the problem Sir?
Fucktard: Well this shitty router that you have sent me won't work
Me: In what way sir?
FT: It just won't work, I've tried everything!
Me: Please can you be more specific about the problem? Have you configured the router at all?
FT: No, I just plugged it in and tried to get onto the Internet but it won't let me
Me: Well sir, you need to configure the router before you can connect to the internet
FT: What? Aren't you supposed to do that? I've paid for this and I expect it to work, I work with computers every day, I'm the Managing Director of XYZ computers and I'm a software developer and I've never had to do this before!
Me: (Trying to stay polite) Well sir, I'm unsure of what equipment you have used in the past, but to use this equipment you need to configure it with your username/password etc.
FT: For god's sake! Right, tell me what to do then
Me: Well sir you need to type in the IP address of your router into an Internet Browser
FT: Duh! How the hell can I? I can't connect to the internet!
Me: Sir, you do not need to be connected to the internet to access your router
FT: Ok whatever, so how the hell do I find out what the IP address of the router is?
Me: Well sir, the IP address can be found in the literature that came with the router, but if you can tell me the make I will be able to tell you the default IP address.
FT: It's the grey one that you sent me
Me: Sir you need to be more specific, we supply many different types of router
FT: Fine give me a minute
(5 minutes later)
FT: It's a Belkin
Me: OK sir, the IP address that you need to type in is 192.168.2.1
FT: Is that in upper case or lower case?
Me: Excuse me?
FT: Are you deaf? Is that in U.P.P.E.R C.A.S.E or L.O.W.E.R C.A.S.E!?
Me: Sir, it's a number.
FT: Don't get smart with me, which is it?
Me: Sir, numbers do not have upper and lower cases....
*click*
I never found out whether he got his router setup...I hope not!
Apologies for length - I spent a mind numbingly boring year there dealing with some of the most moronic customers I have ever had the misfortune to encounter before I got away...I'll post the stories from my current job another time!
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 15:35, More)
I've had my fair share....
...of customers from hell. I used to work for a Sheffield based ISP that may or may not sponsor a local team that plays in blue and white.
Now as I worked in one of the Tech Support teams, you could be guaranteed that 99.999% of customers who called were going to be pissed off for one reason or another.
Some examples of the mouth breathing offspring of a retarded mongoose that I had to deal with are as follows:
One guy who calles up and advised that his internet wouldn't work, I went through all of the standard diagnostics and came to the conclusion that the problem was a line fault and needed to be reported to BT, he kindly informed me that this made sense and could it possibly be something to do with the telegraph pole outside of his house that had blown over??
An old lady who was somewhat hard of hearing and kept telling me not to get too technical on her when running through tests, the fact that I was only asking her to advise whether or not the lights on her router were on or off was irrelevent. (It turned out that she didn't have the router plugged in, this was apparently the fault of the company!) Once the issue was resolved she kindly told me to "Go Fuck Myself" before putting the phone down. (Normally I would be offended, but theres something about old people swearing that makes me chuckle!)
Numerous people called up complaining about their internet service, but funnily enough I couldn't find their details on the system. The conversation generally went something along the lines of:
Me - "Are you sure that we are your ISP"
Them - "Of course I'm, bloody sure you idiot, what do you take me for?"
swiftly followed by:
"I've been with BT/Orange/AOL for years!".
Me - "Ah but sir/madam/cocknose, this is P**N**, not BT/Orange/AOL".
Them - "Oh right. Well in that case put me through to BT/Orange/AOL!
Me - ????
My all time favourites were the people who thought that they were the uber god of all technology, whose infinite knowledge of all things technical gave them the right to come across as cocky bags of shite who generally treat us as total bastards. (I used to make up technical sounding terms and talk complete bollocks and they would nod and agree with everything that I said which basically showed them to be the complete Fucktards that they were).
One particular guy that I remember came through to me complaining that he could not access the setup page of his router, he was convinced that the router was faulty and wanted to return it:
Me: What appears to be the problem Sir?
Fucktard: Well this shitty router that you have sent me won't work
Me: In what way sir?
FT: It just won't work, I've tried everything!
Me: Please can you be more specific about the problem? Have you configured the router at all?
FT: No, I just plugged it in and tried to get onto the Internet but it won't let me
Me: Well sir, you need to configure the router before you can connect to the internet
FT: What? Aren't you supposed to do that? I've paid for this and I expect it to work, I work with computers every day, I'm the Managing Director of XYZ computers and I'm a software developer and I've never had to do this before!
Me: (Trying to stay polite) Well sir, I'm unsure of what equipment you have used in the past, but to use this equipment you need to configure it with your username/password etc.
FT: For god's sake! Right, tell me what to do then
Me: Well sir you need to type in the IP address of your router into an Internet Browser
FT: Duh! How the hell can I? I can't connect to the internet!
Me: Sir, you do not need to be connected to the internet to access your router
FT: Ok whatever, so how the hell do I find out what the IP address of the router is?
Me: Well sir, the IP address can be found in the literature that came with the router, but if you can tell me the make I will be able to tell you the default IP address.
FT: It's the grey one that you sent me
Me: Sir you need to be more specific, we supply many different types of router
FT: Fine give me a minute
(5 minutes later)
FT: It's a Belkin
Me: OK sir, the IP address that you need to type in is 192.168.2.1
FT: Is that in upper case or lower case?
Me: Excuse me?
FT: Are you deaf? Is that in U.P.P.E.R C.A.S.E or L.O.W.E.R C.A.S.E!?
Me: Sir, it's a number.
FT: Don't get smart with me, which is it?
Me: Sir, numbers do not have upper and lower cases....
*click*
I never found out whether he got his router setup...I hope not!
Apologies for length - I spent a mind numbingly boring year there dealing with some of the most moronic customers I have ever had the misfortune to encounter before I got away...I'll post the stories from my current job another time!
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 15:35, More)
» Accidental innuendo
Not me but my Grandma...
My grandad being a typical Yorkshire fella has bred and raced Greyhounds from being 12 years old, as such my Grandparents generally go to watch them race quite a lot.
A few months ago, I was round at their house with a few other members of the family for tea and happened to ask my Grandma if she had anything planned for that evening, she answered quite innocently, "Oh nothing much, me and your Grandad are just going dogging."
Cue me rolling around on the floor laughing fit to burst while the rest of my family go bright red struggling with suppressed laughter.
Eventually my Uncle had to tell her what the meaning of "Dogging" was, bless her she didn't bat an eyelid and just answered "Oh we're not doing that, that's tomorrow night."
That stopped us from laughing immediately.
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 16:00, More)
Not me but my Grandma...
My grandad being a typical Yorkshire fella has bred and raced Greyhounds from being 12 years old, as such my Grandparents generally go to watch them race quite a lot.
A few months ago, I was round at their house with a few other members of the family for tea and happened to ask my Grandma if she had anything planned for that evening, she answered quite innocently, "Oh nothing much, me and your Grandad are just going dogging."
Cue me rolling around on the floor laughing fit to burst while the rest of my family go bright red struggling with suppressed laughter.
Eventually my Uncle had to tell her what the meaning of "Dogging" was, bless her she didn't bat an eyelid and just answered "Oh we're not doing that, that's tomorrow night."
That stopped us from laughing immediately.
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 16:00, More)
» Call Centres
Cheeky Pearost......
I used to work for a Sheffield based ISP that may or may not sponsor a local team that plays in blue and white.
Now as I worked in one of the Tech Support teams, you could be guaranteed that 99.999% of customers who called were going to be pissed off for one reason or another.
Some examples of the mouth breathing offspring of a retarded mongoose that I had to deal with are as follows:
One guy who calles up and advised that his internet wouldn't work, I went through all of the standard diagnostics and came to the conclusion that the problem was a line fault and needed to be reported to BT, he kindly informed me that this made sense and could it possibly be something to do with the telegraph pole outside of his house that had blown over??
An old lady who was somewhat hard of hearing and kept telling me not to get too technical on her when running through tests, the fact that I was only asking her to advise whether or not the lights on her router were on or off was irrelevent. (It turned out that she didn't have the router plugged in, this was apparently the fault of the company!) Once the issue was resolved she kindly told me to "Go Fuck Myself" before putting the phone down. (Normally I would be offended, but theres something about old people swearing that makes me chuckle!)
Numerous people called up complaining about their internet service, but funnily enough I couldn't find their details on the system. The conversation generally went something along the lines of:
Me - "Are you sure that we are your ISP"
Them - "Of course I'm, bloody sure you idiot, what do you take me for?"
swiftly followed by:
"I've been with BT/Orange/AOL for years!".
Me - "Ah but sir/madam/cocknose, this is P**N**, not BT/Orange/AOL".
Them - "Oh right. Well in that case put me through to BT/Orange/AOL!
Me - ????
My all time favourites were the people who thought that they were the uber god of all technology, whose infinite knowledge of all things technical gave them the right to come across as cocky bags of shite who generally treat us as total bastards. (I used to make up technical sounding terms and talk complete bollocks and they would nod and agree with everything that I said which basically showed them to be the complete Fucktards that they were).
One particular guy that I remember came through to me complaining that he could not access the setup page of his router, he was convinced that the router was faulty and wanted to return it:
Me: What appears to be the problem Sir?
Fucktard: Well this shitty router that you have sent me won't work
Me: In what way sir?
FT: It just won't work, I've tried everything!
Me: Please can you be more specific about the problem? Have you configured the router at all?
FT: No, I just plugged it in and tried to get onto the Internet but it won't let me
Me: Well sir, you need to configure the router before you can connect to the internet
FT: What? Aren't you supposed to do that? I've paid for this and I expect it to work, I work with computers every day, I'm the Managing Director of XYZ computers and I'm a software developer and I've never had to do this before!
Me: (Trying to stay polite) Well sir, I'm unsure of what equipment you have used in the past, but to use this equipment you need to configure it with your username/password etc.
FT: For god's sake! Right, tell me what to do then
Me: Well sir you need to type in the IP address of your router into an Internet Browser
FT: Duh! How the hell can I? I can't connect to the internet!
Me: Sir, you do not need to be connected to the internet to access your router
FT: Ok whatever, so how the hell do I find out what the IP address of the router is?
Me: Well sir, the IP address can be found in the literature that came with the router, but if you can tell me the make I will be able to tell you the default IP address.
FT: It's the grey one that you sent me
Me: Sir you need to be more specific, we supply many different types of router
FT: Fine give me a minute
(5 minutes later)
FT: It's a Belkin
Me: OK sir, the IP address that you need to type in is 192.168.2.1
FT: Is that in upper case or lower case?
Me: Excuse me?
FT: Are you deaf? Is that in U.P.P.E.R C.A.S.E or L.O.W.E.R C.A.S.E!?
Me: Sir, it's a number.
FT: Don't get smart with me, which is it?
Me: Sir, numbers do not have upper and lower cases....
*click*
I never found out whether he got his router setup...I hope not!
(Sat 5th Sep 2009, 17:41, More)
Cheeky Pearost......
I used to work for a Sheffield based ISP that may or may not sponsor a local team that plays in blue and white.
Now as I worked in one of the Tech Support teams, you could be guaranteed that 99.999% of customers who called were going to be pissed off for one reason or another.
Some examples of the mouth breathing offspring of a retarded mongoose that I had to deal with are as follows:
One guy who calles up and advised that his internet wouldn't work, I went through all of the standard diagnostics and came to the conclusion that the problem was a line fault and needed to be reported to BT, he kindly informed me that this made sense and could it possibly be something to do with the telegraph pole outside of his house that had blown over??
An old lady who was somewhat hard of hearing and kept telling me not to get too technical on her when running through tests, the fact that I was only asking her to advise whether or not the lights on her router were on or off was irrelevent. (It turned out that she didn't have the router plugged in, this was apparently the fault of the company!) Once the issue was resolved she kindly told me to "Go Fuck Myself" before putting the phone down. (Normally I would be offended, but theres something about old people swearing that makes me chuckle!)
Numerous people called up complaining about their internet service, but funnily enough I couldn't find their details on the system. The conversation generally went something along the lines of:
Me - "Are you sure that we are your ISP"
Them - "Of course I'm, bloody sure you idiot, what do you take me for?"
swiftly followed by:
"I've been with BT/Orange/AOL for years!".
Me - "Ah but sir/madam/cocknose, this is P**N**, not BT/Orange/AOL".
Them - "Oh right. Well in that case put me through to BT/Orange/AOL!
Me - ????
My all time favourites were the people who thought that they were the uber god of all technology, whose infinite knowledge of all things technical gave them the right to come across as cocky bags of shite who generally treat us as total bastards. (I used to make up technical sounding terms and talk complete bollocks and they would nod and agree with everything that I said which basically showed them to be the complete Fucktards that they were).
One particular guy that I remember came through to me complaining that he could not access the setup page of his router, he was convinced that the router was faulty and wanted to return it:
Me: What appears to be the problem Sir?
Fucktard: Well this shitty router that you have sent me won't work
Me: In what way sir?
FT: It just won't work, I've tried everything!
Me: Please can you be more specific about the problem? Have you configured the router at all?
FT: No, I just plugged it in and tried to get onto the Internet but it won't let me
Me: Well sir, you need to configure the router before you can connect to the internet
FT: What? Aren't you supposed to do that? I've paid for this and I expect it to work, I work with computers every day, I'm the Managing Director of XYZ computers and I'm a software developer and I've never had to do this before!
Me: (Trying to stay polite) Well sir, I'm unsure of what equipment you have used in the past, but to use this equipment you need to configure it with your username/password etc.
FT: For god's sake! Right, tell me what to do then
Me: Well sir you need to type in the IP address of your router into an Internet Browser
FT: Duh! How the hell can I? I can't connect to the internet!
Me: Sir, you do not need to be connected to the internet to access your router
FT: Ok whatever, so how the hell do I find out what the IP address of the router is?
Me: Well sir, the IP address can be found in the literature that came with the router, but if you can tell me the make I will be able to tell you the default IP address.
FT: It's the grey one that you sent me
Me: Sir you need to be more specific, we supply many different types of router
FT: Fine give me a minute
(5 minutes later)
FT: It's a Belkin
Me: OK sir, the IP address that you need to type in is 192.168.2.1
FT: Is that in upper case or lower case?
Me: Excuse me?
FT: Are you deaf? Is that in U.P.P.E.R C.A.S.E or L.O.W.E.R C.A.S.E!?
Me: Sir, it's a number.
FT: Don't get smart with me, which is it?
Me: Sir, numbers do not have upper and lower cases....
*click*
I never found out whether he got his router setup...I hope not!
(Sat 5th Sep 2009, 17:41, More)
» Pet Peeves
Another One
I work in IT Support and I quite enjoy my job. However, there's one thing that really annoys me:
When someone calls me and tells me that their computer is "Broken" or "F**ked". No information regarding what the problem actually is, just that their machine is "Broken".
The conversation generally goes something like this:
-Hi, my computer is broken
Me: How do you mean?
- Well it's not working
Me: Can you describe the problem to me?
-It's just......broken
Me: Well is it on fire? Has it transformed into some sort of mythical beast that is now trying to eat your soul? Is it at this very moment leaking harmful radiation that is causing you to mutate into some sort of flesh eating zombie?
- Well erm...no, not really...it's just....well.....broken
Me: Aaarrrggghhhhhh!
This generally goes on for aroun 5-10 minutes until I manage to ascertain that "My computer is broken" actually means "The printer is out of paper and I cannot print", by this time I have wasted more time than it would take to actually resolve the problem simply because some people are too dense to actually string a coherent sentence together and explain what the problem actually is.
Phew I feel better after that little rant!!
(Tue 6th May 2008, 16:08, More)
Another One
I work in IT Support and I quite enjoy my job. However, there's one thing that really annoys me:
When someone calls me and tells me that their computer is "Broken" or "F**ked". No information regarding what the problem actually is, just that their machine is "Broken".
The conversation generally goes something like this:
-Hi, my computer is broken
Me: How do you mean?
- Well it's not working
Me: Can you describe the problem to me?
-It's just......broken
Me: Well is it on fire? Has it transformed into some sort of mythical beast that is now trying to eat your soul? Is it at this very moment leaking harmful radiation that is causing you to mutate into some sort of flesh eating zombie?
- Well erm...no, not really...it's just....well.....broken
Me: Aaarrrggghhhhhh!
This generally goes on for aroun 5-10 minutes until I manage to ascertain that "My computer is broken" actually means "The printer is out of paper and I cannot print", by this time I have wasted more time than it would take to actually resolve the problem simply because some people are too dense to actually string a coherent sentence together and explain what the problem actually is.
Phew I feel better after that little rant!!
(Tue 6th May 2008, 16:08, More)
» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?
I still feel a little guilty over this....
During my first year of Uni I made the fatal mistake of getting together with a lass who turned out to be as mad as a sack of genetically modified badgers. It all happened after a drunken night out, I don't remember the exact events of the evening in question, but the next day I woke up to find that I was now "Seeing" a girl from the floor below mine in our halls.
Now this didn't start out too bad, like I said, she was pretty good looking and seemed pretty normal..however this soon changed.
Being from a quiet little village near Oxford she'd never really socialised with anyone, thus a decent night out to her was to stay in and watch a DVD, as opposed to mine which was to go out round York and get into as many alcohol-related shenanigans as possible with my friends.
This posed a problem as she began to behave more like a mother than a girlfriend, always asking where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. As if this wasn't bad enough, she then began to give me grief about drinking and smoking too much (She had never touched alcohol befor going to uni), add this to the fact that she was as frigid as a feminist Eskimo and you can see that things just weren't going to work.
Now I'm a pretty nice guy so didn't want to hurt her feelings by dumping her, but likewise couldn't bear to be in her prescence any longer...so I devised a plan to get her to dump me, this way she wouldn't be upset (It made sense at the time).
I started out by locking the door to my room if she was in the halls (Remember she only lived a floor below me), if I heard her approaching I would mute the TV and Stereo and be silent while she knocked on the door, eventually she realised that I "wasn't in" and toddled off, at which point I'd go back to whatever I was doing.
Unfortunately she didn't get the message, so I stepped up the campaign and began ignoring text messages and phonecalls, not turning up for arranged meetings etc etc. This went on for around 3 weeks, she still didn't quite get the message.
The final straw was when I came home from Uni for Easter without either telling her or saying goodbye. That night I was in the local with some friends when I got a call on my mobile, it went something like this:
Me - Hello
Her - Hello, where are you
Me - In the pub
Her - Oh yeah, which one? I'll come and meet you.
Me - The XXXX
Her - Oh right, is that the one on XXXX street?
Me - No it's on XXXX street
Her - Where abouts is that?
Me - XXXX (Name of home town)
Her - Oh.....
(Awkward silence before she bursts into floods of tears)
Her - This isn't really working is it?
Me - (Quite casually) Nah not really
Her - I think we should take a little time apart
Me - Yeah ok then....erm....see you later then
Funnily enough, she never spoke to me again and avoided me for the rest of the term before we moved out of halls.
I'm not a total git though, I've been with the current Mrs Samurai for over two years and I haven't been a git with her...much.
Apologies for length....she didn't get any.
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 14:06, More)
I still feel a little guilty over this....
During my first year of Uni I made the fatal mistake of getting together with a lass who turned out to be as mad as a sack of genetically modified badgers. It all happened after a drunken night out, I don't remember the exact events of the evening in question, but the next day I woke up to find that I was now "Seeing" a girl from the floor below mine in our halls.
Now this didn't start out too bad, like I said, she was pretty good looking and seemed pretty normal..however this soon changed.
Being from a quiet little village near Oxford she'd never really socialised with anyone, thus a decent night out to her was to stay in and watch a DVD, as opposed to mine which was to go out round York and get into as many alcohol-related shenanigans as possible with my friends.
This posed a problem as she began to behave more like a mother than a girlfriend, always asking where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. As if this wasn't bad enough, she then began to give me grief about drinking and smoking too much (She had never touched alcohol befor going to uni), add this to the fact that she was as frigid as a feminist Eskimo and you can see that things just weren't going to work.
Now I'm a pretty nice guy so didn't want to hurt her feelings by dumping her, but likewise couldn't bear to be in her prescence any longer...so I devised a plan to get her to dump me, this way she wouldn't be upset (It made sense at the time).
I started out by locking the door to my room if she was in the halls (Remember she only lived a floor below me), if I heard her approaching I would mute the TV and Stereo and be silent while she knocked on the door, eventually she realised that I "wasn't in" and toddled off, at which point I'd go back to whatever I was doing.
Unfortunately she didn't get the message, so I stepped up the campaign and began ignoring text messages and phonecalls, not turning up for arranged meetings etc etc. This went on for around 3 weeks, she still didn't quite get the message.
The final straw was when I came home from Uni for Easter without either telling her or saying goodbye. That night I was in the local with some friends when I got a call on my mobile, it went something like this:
Me - Hello
Her - Hello, where are you
Me - In the pub
Her - Oh yeah, which one? I'll come and meet you.
Me - The XXXX
Her - Oh right, is that the one on XXXX street?
Me - No it's on XXXX street
Her - Where abouts is that?
Me - XXXX (Name of home town)
Her - Oh.....
(Awkward silence before she bursts into floods of tears)
Her - This isn't really working is it?
Me - (Quite casually) Nah not really
Her - I think we should take a little time apart
Me - Yeah ok then....erm....see you later then
Funnily enough, she never spoke to me again and avoided me for the rest of the term before we moved out of halls.
I'm not a total git though, I've been with the current Mrs Samurai for over two years and I haven't been a git with her...much.
Apologies for length....she didn't get any.
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 14:06, More)