Profile for Scrumpy:
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- a member for 15 years, 11 months and 22 days
- has posted 19 messages on the main board
- (of which 1 have appeared on the front page)
- has posted 16 messages on the talk board
- has posted 3 messages on the links board
- (including 2 links)
- has posted 62 stories and 95 replies on question of the week
- They liked 27 pictures, 2 links, 1 talk posts, and 59 qotw answers.
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» Caught!
My drug paraphernalia
When I got home from a nice kick about in the park one Saturday in the summer, my mum was waiting for me, sat at the table, stern faced with a small item in front of her on the table.
'Sit down, you're father's on his way home. I want to ask first of all is there anything you're doing that you want to tell us about?'
Shit! I'm mentally tallying up everything that I've done as a 15 year old male. It's a bit. Nothing too bad. I'm racking my brains. Drinking? smoking? Weed? Porn!? Shit. I'll bet it's smoking. Fuck. My dad's a vigilant anti smoker...
'Ummm. No. What's up?' I said, eyeing the offending item and taking a seat opposite. Weighing up my options I considered confessing to something and hoping that was it. 'Sorry, but yes most of the phone bill was me looking at smut and wanking into a stupor' didn't seem like a good route to go down... 'let's see how this plays out' I thought.
'I was cleaning your room earlier and found this' She pushed the item towards me, still solemn faced. 'I know you've been smoking drugs, your father and I are both very upset'
Fuck, fuckety-fuck. FUCK! Anything but the weed. Smoking I'll get lectured for, but the weed will see me really fu... Hang on....
'Ermm. What do you think this is mum?'
'It's a hash pipe Scrumpy. I wasn't born yesterday.'
'You mean a kazoo mum....?'
'....... What?'
At this I picked up the 'hash pipe' and walked off, humming 'Crosstown Traffic' (If I was quicker at the time I would have gone for 'Purple Haze').
I heard my dad piss himself about 30 seconds after he came steaming through the front door...
(Tue 8th Jun 2010, 17:16, More)
My drug paraphernalia
When I got home from a nice kick about in the park one Saturday in the summer, my mum was waiting for me, sat at the table, stern faced with a small item in front of her on the table.
'Sit down, you're father's on his way home. I want to ask first of all is there anything you're doing that you want to tell us about?'
Shit! I'm mentally tallying up everything that I've done as a 15 year old male. It's a bit. Nothing too bad. I'm racking my brains. Drinking? smoking? Weed? Porn!? Shit. I'll bet it's smoking. Fuck. My dad's a vigilant anti smoker...
'Ummm. No. What's up?' I said, eyeing the offending item and taking a seat opposite. Weighing up my options I considered confessing to something and hoping that was it. 'Sorry, but yes most of the phone bill was me looking at smut and wanking into a stupor' didn't seem like a good route to go down... 'let's see how this plays out' I thought.
'I was cleaning your room earlier and found this' She pushed the item towards me, still solemn faced. 'I know you've been smoking drugs, your father and I are both very upset'
Fuck, fuckety-fuck. FUCK! Anything but the weed. Smoking I'll get lectured for, but the weed will see me really fu... Hang on....
'Ermm. What do you think this is mum?'
'It's a hash pipe Scrumpy. I wasn't born yesterday.'
'You mean a kazoo mum....?'
'....... What?'
At this I picked up the 'hash pipe' and walked off, humming 'Crosstown Traffic' (If I was quicker at the time I would have gone for 'Purple Haze').
I heard my dad piss himself about 30 seconds after he came steaming through the front door...
(Tue 8th Jun 2010, 17:16, More)
» Food sabotage
Poo. Lots and lots of poo...
For want of a better explanation, my circle of friends can be utter cunts at the best of times. Nothing horrific or painfully scarring, but just utter cunts for no other reason than it mostly amuses us.
With this out of the way, I bring you a story that is simply 'laxalicious'..... ahem....
My friend, who we shall call 'Adam', had met a girl whilst on holiday who was, to steal R. Jimlad's expression from last week, a bit of a butterface. Well a lot actually. Not only this, but she was fucking nauseating to try and hold a conversation with, as it invariably tended to revolve around her and how awesome she was. As well as this, she had previously shown she was nuts. She stole 2 bottles of Jack Daniels from the house before she last left 'for the road' as she later said in an email, called one of my friends a cunt in the pub and slapped him really fucking hard, because he knocked over a drink by accident into her handbag. Amongst other things she showed us she was a cunt and an oxygen thief.
All in all nobody really liked her at all, including Adam, who wold often complain about her, before giving in to his penis' demands and allowing her to stay over for a weekend.
Anyways, one weekend she was pencilled in the calender to make an appearance so my friends decided to hatch a plan to help out Adam with his lady troubles, and being the friends they are, help to diffuse the relationship in the best possible manner.
That's right, spike their food with a fuckload of laxatives. Somewhat lacking in the creativity department I know but absolutely certain to bring entertainment.
So the day comes and his housemate, Ryan cooks a big slap up curry for everyone in the house, and whilst dishing, it out laces the unlucky duo's plates with the offending material.
Little did we know, Ryan decided to put it in everything. in the curry, the rice, the beers, sprinkled on the popadums, probably even the serviettes and silverware if he knew how. He used one of those sheets of Senakot for two people. Unfortunately, only my friend Adam ate it, as she complained that 'it tastes off'. Damn. Oh well, still one left.
As the night rolls on, in the club Adam feels some funny rumblings, followed by a swift change in the colour of his complexion and a mad dash for the loos. This carried on all night, with Adam trying extremely hard not to look like he was regularly shitting himself, making excuses on the dancefloor etc.
The journey home was a bit of a giggle, as the drunken banter continued between a few of us, with Adam still trying desperately to look like he was enjoying himself. You know the look, nervous laughter every now and then with swift glances here and there looking for an escape route.
Back at the house, after more trips to the toilet, the couple decided to make a move for the privacy of the bedroom. I have to say, at this point the look on Adam's face was one of apprehension, to say the least. I'd say he was shitting himself but....
Anywho. After about half an hour, he's heard using the toilet again, and again, and again. Just when we think he's finally crapped his last, we hear the scream.
Oh yes. You see, instead of telling the girl that he wasn't in the best of shapes to be pumping her full of man batter, he decided to
get on with the job. This backfired greatly, literally even, when after a while of holding in what I can only imagine to be a bowel clenching vesuvius of an anal announcement, he could clench no longer and let out the offending air biscuit.
Followed by a fountain of shit.
Seriously, his bed looked like he'd fired a shitty hosepipe from one end to the other.
She cleaned herself and after calming down enough to pack her things, promptly fucked off at 3 in the morning to catch a coach home, no doubt dying inside a little each minute extra that she stayed in the house.
She text later the next day to say how they probably shouldn't see each other again...
To this day, he still blames it on dodgy chicken in the curry and I still fear for Ryan's legs if he ever finds out the truth.
Length? about 4 feet of poop.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 14:04, More)
Poo. Lots and lots of poo...
For want of a better explanation, my circle of friends can be utter cunts at the best of times. Nothing horrific or painfully scarring, but just utter cunts for no other reason than it mostly amuses us.
With this out of the way, I bring you a story that is simply 'laxalicious'..... ahem....
My friend, who we shall call 'Adam', had met a girl whilst on holiday who was, to steal R. Jimlad's expression from last week, a bit of a butterface. Well a lot actually. Not only this, but she was fucking nauseating to try and hold a conversation with, as it invariably tended to revolve around her and how awesome she was. As well as this, she had previously shown she was nuts. She stole 2 bottles of Jack Daniels from the house before she last left 'for the road' as she later said in an email, called one of my friends a cunt in the pub and slapped him really fucking hard, because he knocked over a drink by accident into her handbag. Amongst other things she showed us she was a cunt and an oxygen thief.
All in all nobody really liked her at all, including Adam, who wold often complain about her, before giving in to his penis' demands and allowing her to stay over for a weekend.
Anyways, one weekend she was pencilled in the calender to make an appearance so my friends decided to hatch a plan to help out Adam with his lady troubles, and being the friends they are, help to diffuse the relationship in the best possible manner.
That's right, spike their food with a fuckload of laxatives. Somewhat lacking in the creativity department I know but absolutely certain to bring entertainment.
So the day comes and his housemate, Ryan cooks a big slap up curry for everyone in the house, and whilst dishing, it out laces the unlucky duo's plates with the offending material.
Little did we know, Ryan decided to put it in everything. in the curry, the rice, the beers, sprinkled on the popadums, probably even the serviettes and silverware if he knew how. He used one of those sheets of Senakot for two people. Unfortunately, only my friend Adam ate it, as she complained that 'it tastes off'. Damn. Oh well, still one left.
As the night rolls on, in the club Adam feels some funny rumblings, followed by a swift change in the colour of his complexion and a mad dash for the loos. This carried on all night, with Adam trying extremely hard not to look like he was regularly shitting himself, making excuses on the dancefloor etc.
The journey home was a bit of a giggle, as the drunken banter continued between a few of us, with Adam still trying desperately to look like he was enjoying himself. You know the look, nervous laughter every now and then with swift glances here and there looking for an escape route.
Back at the house, after more trips to the toilet, the couple decided to make a move for the privacy of the bedroom. I have to say, at this point the look on Adam's face was one of apprehension, to say the least. I'd say he was shitting himself but....
Anywho. After about half an hour, he's heard using the toilet again, and again, and again. Just when we think he's finally crapped his last, we hear the scream.
Oh yes. You see, instead of telling the girl that he wasn't in the best of shapes to be pumping her full of man batter, he decided to
get on with the job. This backfired greatly, literally even, when after a while of holding in what I can only imagine to be a bowel clenching vesuvius of an anal announcement, he could clench no longer and let out the offending air biscuit.
Followed by a fountain of shit.
Seriously, his bed looked like he'd fired a shitty hosepipe from one end to the other.
She cleaned herself and after calming down enough to pack her things, promptly fucked off at 3 in the morning to catch a coach home, no doubt dying inside a little each minute extra that she stayed in the house.
She text later the next day to say how they probably shouldn't see each other again...
To this day, he still blames it on dodgy chicken in the curry and I still fear for Ryan's legs if he ever finds out the truth.
Length? about 4 feet of poop.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 14:04, More)
» Real-life slapstick
Is it slapstick?
I don't know if it counts, but when the roads were really icy, I was driving slowly down a hill and spotted a man in an electric wheelchair on the pavement sliding slowly and gently out of control and into a lamppost at the bottom.
It was dead beautiful.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 23:04, More)
Is it slapstick?
I don't know if it counts, but when the roads were really icy, I was driving slowly down a hill and spotted a man in an electric wheelchair on the pavement sliding slowly and gently out of control and into a lamppost at the bottom.
It was dead beautiful.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 23:04, More)
» Food sabotage
Looking through the pages
I can see you're all a shower of bastards.
You're never coming round for dinner. Ever.
I remembered another story too though.
My friend, who we shall call Josh for fun, used to work in a kitchen with a magnificent cunt called Ian who was the head chef. I too have worked with Ian and know he is in fact a complete shit, and deserves everything he gets.
Ian, being the coked up nazi fuckhead he is, often found it hilarious to chuck fucking hot pans at us lowly dish pigs, as if our jobs weren't shit enough. Towel whipping was rife, as was manly banter, and frequent reminders we were all wankers, when he fucked up.
Anyways, i'd like to say that he got his comeuppance in the form of a briny cup of tea. Alas, my friend Josh told us of his attempts at getting back at Ian, which were as follows.
Whilst incredibly hungover one day, he offered Ian a fresh brew, plotting to spike it with golden treasures. This isn't the funny bit though, for Josh in his unthinking genius decided to stir his tea with his penis after spraying it with his scent.
You heard. He stirred his freshly boiled tea with his cock.
In his hungover state, he didn't even wait for it to cool down that long.
He told us that as he screamed like a girl, the kitchen staff found him holding his raw penis, with steamy, wet legs and a smashed cup on the floor. He didn't even wait for a response from anyone, got his things and left work, never to return.
As I said, I wish this was a story about how Ian got fucked over, but it's not to be. He is a cunt though.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 15:22, More)
Looking through the pages
I can see you're all a shower of bastards.
You're never coming round for dinner. Ever.
I remembered another story too though.
My friend, who we shall call Josh for fun, used to work in a kitchen with a magnificent cunt called Ian who was the head chef. I too have worked with Ian and know he is in fact a complete shit, and deserves everything he gets.
Ian, being the coked up nazi fuckhead he is, often found it hilarious to chuck fucking hot pans at us lowly dish pigs, as if our jobs weren't shit enough. Towel whipping was rife, as was manly banter, and frequent reminders we were all wankers, when he fucked up.
Anyways, i'd like to say that he got his comeuppance in the form of a briny cup of tea. Alas, my friend Josh told us of his attempts at getting back at Ian, which were as follows.
Whilst incredibly hungover one day, he offered Ian a fresh brew, plotting to spike it with golden treasures. This isn't the funny bit though, for Josh in his unthinking genius decided to stir his tea with his penis after spraying it with his scent.
You heard. He stirred his freshly boiled tea with his cock.
In his hungover state, he didn't even wait for it to cool down that long.
He told us that as he screamed like a girl, the kitchen staff found him holding his raw penis, with steamy, wet legs and a smashed cup on the floor. He didn't even wait for a response from anyone, got his things and left work, never to return.
As I said, I wish this was a story about how Ian got fucked over, but it's not to be. He is a cunt though.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 15:22, More)
» Drugs
Apologies
For the completely shameless Pea, from when I was about 15.
My drug paraphernalia
When I got home from a nice kick about in the park one Saturday in the summer, my mum was waiting for me, sat at the table, stern faced with a small item in front of her on the table.
'Sit down, you're father's on his way home. I want to ask first of all is there anything you're doing that you want to tell us about?'
Shit! I'm mentally tallying up everything that I've done as a 15 year old male. It's a bit. Nothing too bad. I'm racking my brains. Drinking? smoking? Weed? Porn!? Shit. I'll bet it's smoking. Fuck. My dad's a vigilant anti smoker...
'Ummm. No. What's up?' I said, eyeing the offending item and taking a seat opposite. Weighing up my options I considered confessing to something and hoping that was it. 'Sorry, but yes most of the phone bill was me looking at smut and wanking into a stupor' didn't seem like a good route to go down... 'let's see how this plays out' I thought.
'I was cleaning your room earlier and found this' She pushed the item towards me, still solemn faced. 'I know you've been smoking drugs, your father and I are both very upset'
Fuck, fuckety-fuck. FUCK! Anything but the weed. Smoking I'll get lectured for, but the weed will see me really fu... Hang on....
'Ermm. What do you think this is mum?'
'It's a hash pipe Scrumpy. I wasn't born yesterday.'
'You mean a kazoo mum....?'
'....... What?'
At this I picked up the 'hash pipe' and walked off, humming 'Crosstown Traffic' (If I was quicker at the time I would have gone for 'Purple Haze').
I heard my dad piss himself about 30 seconds after he came steaming through the front door...
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 15:30, More)
Apologies
For the completely shameless Pea, from when I was about 15.
My drug paraphernalia
When I got home from a nice kick about in the park one Saturday in the summer, my mum was waiting for me, sat at the table, stern faced with a small item in front of her on the table.
'Sit down, you're father's on his way home. I want to ask first of all is there anything you're doing that you want to tell us about?'
Shit! I'm mentally tallying up everything that I've done as a 15 year old male. It's a bit. Nothing too bad. I'm racking my brains. Drinking? smoking? Weed? Porn!? Shit. I'll bet it's smoking. Fuck. My dad's a vigilant anti smoker...
'Ummm. No. What's up?' I said, eyeing the offending item and taking a seat opposite. Weighing up my options I considered confessing to something and hoping that was it. 'Sorry, but yes most of the phone bill was me looking at smut and wanking into a stupor' didn't seem like a good route to go down... 'let's see how this plays out' I thought.
'I was cleaning your room earlier and found this' She pushed the item towards me, still solemn faced. 'I know you've been smoking drugs, your father and I are both very upset'
Fuck, fuckety-fuck. FUCK! Anything but the weed. Smoking I'll get lectured for, but the weed will see me really fu... Hang on....
'Ermm. What do you think this is mum?'
'It's a hash pipe Scrumpy. I wasn't born yesterday.'
'You mean a kazoo mum....?'
'....... What?'
At this I picked up the 'hash pipe' and walked off, humming 'Crosstown Traffic' (If I was quicker at the time I would have gone for 'Purple Haze').
I heard my dad piss himself about 30 seconds after he came steaming through the front door...
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 15:30, More)