» Food sabotage

Poo. Lots and lots of poo...
For want of a better explanation, my circle of friends can be utter cunts at the best of times. Nothing horrific or painfully scarring, but just utter cunts for no other reason than it mostly amuses us.

With this out of the way, I bring you a story that is simply 'laxalicious'..... ahem....

My friend, who we shall call 'Adam', had met a girl whilst on holiday who was, to steal R. Jimlad's expression from last week, a bit of a butterface. Well a lot actually. Not only this, but she was fucking nauseating to try and hold a conversation with, as it invariably tended to revolve around her and how awesome she was. As well as this, she had previously shown she was nuts. She stole 2 bottles of Jack Daniels from the house before she last left 'for the road' as she later said in an email, called one of my friends a cunt in the pub and slapped him really fucking hard, because he knocked over a drink by accident into her handbag. Amongst other things she showed us she was a cunt and an oxygen thief.

All in all nobody really liked her at all, including Adam, who wold often complain about her, before giving in to his penis' demands and allowing her to stay over for a weekend.

Anyways, one weekend she was pencilled in the calender to make an appearance so my friends decided to hatch a plan to help out Adam with his lady troubles, and being the friends they are, help to diffuse the relationship in the best possible manner.

That's right, spike their food with a fuckload of laxatives. Somewhat lacking in the creativity department I know but absolutely certain to bring entertainment.

So the day comes and his housemate, Ryan cooks a big slap up curry for everyone in the house, and whilst dishing, it out laces the unlucky duo's plates with the offending material.

Little did we know, Ryan decided to put it in everything. in the curry, the rice, the beers, sprinkled on the popadums, probably even the serviettes and silverware if he knew how. He used one of those sheets of Senakot for two people. Unfortunately, only my friend Adam ate it, as she complained that 'it tastes off'. Damn. Oh well, still one left.

As the night rolls on, in the club Adam feels some funny rumblings, followed by a swift change in the colour of his complexion and a mad dash for the loos. This carried on all night, with Adam trying extremely hard not to look like he was regularly shitting himself, making excuses on the dancefloor etc.

The journey home was a bit of a giggle, as the drunken banter continued between a few of us, with Adam still trying desperately to look like he was enjoying himself. You know the look, nervous laughter every now and then with swift glances here and there looking for an escape route.

Back at the house, after more trips to the toilet, the couple decided to make a move for the privacy of the bedroom. I have to say, at this point the look on Adam's face was one of apprehension, to say the least. I'd say he was shitting himself but....

Anywho. After about half an hour, he's heard using the toilet again, and again, and again. Just when we think he's finally crapped his last, we hear the scream.

Oh yes. You see, instead of telling the girl that he wasn't in the best of shapes to be pumping her full of man batter, he decided to
get on with the job. This backfired greatly, literally even, when after a while of holding in what I can only imagine to be a bowel clenching vesuvius of an anal announcement, he could clench no longer and let out the offending air biscuit.

Followed by a fountain of shit.

Seriously, his bed looked like he'd fired a shitty hosepipe from one end to the other.

She cleaned herself and after calming down enough to pack her things, promptly fucked off at 3 in the morning to catch a coach home, no doubt dying inside a little each minute extra that she stayed in the house.

She text later the next day to say how they probably shouldn't see each other again...

To this day, he still blames it on dodgy chicken in the curry and I still fear for Ryan's legs if he ever finds out the truth.

Length? about 4 feet of poop.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 14:04, More)

» Food sabotage

Looking through the pages
I can see you're all a shower of bastards.

You're never coming round for dinner. Ever.

I remembered another story too though.

My friend, who we shall call Josh for fun, used to work in a kitchen with a magnificent cunt called Ian who was the head chef. I too have worked with Ian and know he is in fact a complete shit, and deserves everything he gets.

Ian, being the coked up nazi fuckhead he is, often found it hilarious to chuck fucking hot pans at us lowly dish pigs, as if our jobs weren't shit enough. Towel whipping was rife, as was manly banter, and frequent reminders we were all wankers, when he fucked up.

Anyways, i'd like to say that he got his comeuppance in the form of a briny cup of tea. Alas, my friend Josh told us of his attempts at getting back at Ian, which were as follows.

Whilst incredibly hungover one day, he offered Ian a fresh brew, plotting to spike it with golden treasures. This isn't the funny bit though, for Josh in his unthinking genius decided to stir his tea with his penis after spraying it with his scent.

You heard. He stirred his freshly boiled tea with his cock.

In his hungover state, he didn't even wait for it to cool down that long.

He told us that as he screamed like a girl, the kitchen staff found him holding his raw penis, with steamy, wet legs and a smashed cup on the floor. He didn't even wait for a response from anyone, got his things and left work, never to return.

As I said, I wish this was a story about how Ian got fucked over, but it's not to be. He is a cunt though.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 15:22, More)

» Festivals

For those who were wondering
Yes, Global Gathering is the biggest pile of shite festival in Britain. In my opinion anyway.

It is for this reason that I decided on taking copious amounts of mind grenade type disco biscuits, despite quitting over a year ago, in order to pass the time more effectively. Which as it turns out was a bit of a crap idea.

During this time my girlfriend had to look after me, and to this day she still says she hated me a bit that night...

A few excerpts include, getting into a fight with a chav who shouted 'Why don't you go back to freak town!?' at me for wearing a wizard hat and kimono... She admits this looked hilarious, as it consisted of me in technicolour outfit, hair and beard, scuffling half heartedly with an increasingly concerned chav, whilst shouting about not having the train fare.... For some reason.

In a crowded bar, going to put my arm out to rest on the wall, and falling, due to the lack of wall there, a la Delboy style. This too was apparently, very funny.

Trying to break my way on to the bungee jumping crane and being wrestled away from it by the steward.

Having a full conversation with my girlfriend about what she does for a living and how weird that was, because 'that's what my girlfriend does!'.

Finding myself in the middle of a circle of people, shouting and cheering whilst a randomer tackled me to the floor and ran away. I have no idea what that was about. Nor how I got there. Neither does she.

At 8 in the morning on the Monday, arguing with her and having to get a passer by to clarify that in fact, yes it is Monday morning, and no there are no more bands.

And, if you want to see what happens when you pass out, before all of this even started, check out the picture I've been debating whether to put up in the replies.....
(Sat 6th Jun 2009, 15:39, More)

» Customers from Hell

I just remembered
My uncle told me a story about when he was getting new carpets fitted in his house, he had a little debacle with them losing the order.

After finding their address, and unit number on the retail estate, he duly rang up Carpet Right one day to check on the status of his order at said carpet outlet. He had been having to wait a fairly long time for them to get in the required design and amount of carpet, and they were already late in letting him know what was happening, so he was a little miffed, but not to the brazen standards of your average angry customer. Yet.

Upon ringing them, the sweet young thing that had the misfortune of wandering past the phone that day was tasked with finding the details of said order and checking its status. Only something was wrong.

After checking, then re-checking, and one more time for good measure, said sales mistress couldn't find that particular order anywhere on records.

Nothing. Not even a phone number that matched or anything.

As you can imagine, my uncle was non too pleased by the prospect that he had been waiting months for something that was never coming, and proceeded to become increasingly irate with the poor sales girl, who apparently handled the situation and herself with the utmost of politeness, all whilst no doubt wishing she had stayed in bed that morning.

She proceeded to spend rest of the day chasing around frantically and trying to find out where on earth the phantom order had got to, and, I imagine, getting generally flustered. All this while my uncle checked back repeatedly throughout the day to find out how his shiny new floor covering was coming, and had they found it yet.

It was only the next day when my uncle realised his one, rather blindingly silly mistake. When looking the phone number up in the Pages of Yellow, he had overlooked the little fact that just below Carpet Right, was Carpet World. Both were on the same trading estate and it was in fact the latter of the two that he had placed his order with. Not the Carpet Right he had rung, and not the poor young lass he sent on a wild goose chase for an order that didn't exist, as well as acting, by his own admission, rather like an angry old sod to the girl.

As soon as he realised his mistake, he went in to her shop and took her some flowers and wine, and she was very chirpy about the whole thing, such was her apparent, rather jolly demeanor, despite having wasted a day running about like a headless chicken.

Poor girl.

And that, my friends, is the story of how my uncle managed to earn the title of customer from hell, when he wasn't even in the right shop....
(Mon 8th Sep 2008, 14:35, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

A chap I used to work with
On site, most of the spare time is taken up with childish pranks and jibes involving mothers, girlfriends and the like. All good fun.

One particular day we had a lady with us cleaning up after us clumsy louts. She thought it would be jolly funny to get in on the act, by putting some wet cement in one chaps hat. T'was indeed very funny, and we all laughed.

We all laughed a bit more at his revenge though.

For ruining his nice hat, he had rummaged through one of the skips full of old shite left in various flats and found a something we had all had a good chuckle about earlier.

He duct taped it to her rear bumper, without telling anyone, and told us to watch as she drove away, all whilst barely containing himself.

Once we had seen it, we knew why, and we knew why she was extremely pissed with him the next day.

You see, after leaving work, she had gone to her nephews nice, Catholic school to pick him up and had it kindly pointed out to her that there was an offending item on her car.

yep, she had been driving round town, and pulled up to a school, with a bright pink, 8 inch used dildo attached to her car. Which she then had to remove after another mother pointed out that it was probably not really appropriate to be sitting outside a school with a luminous sex toy on your car...
(Wed 23rd Sep 2009, 16:55, More)