» Blood

Mummy!!!!!!
When I was about 8 or so, I suffered with really bad nose bleeds and this incident led to my nose being cauterised (ow).

I was casually sitting crosslegged in my nightie, talking to my Mum about The Far Away Tree and Mr Moonface or some other nonsense while my Mum was soaking in the bath.

I sneezed, nothing unusual there. Wiped the back of my hand across my nose and encountered the familiar sight of blood and thought fiddlesticks (in a Far Away Tree stylee) went to stand up to get a tissue to head a splat on the tiles. I looked down to see firstly a big bloody patch on the front of my nightie which made it look like I had been disemboweled, then I looked at the floor and saw that I had sneezed out a blood clot roughly the size of a tennis ball *spews*

Alarmed, I alerted this situation to my Mother by saying "Mummy, a lump of meat fell out of my nose".
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 15:06, More)

» Advice from Old People

Ok not particularly old....
One of my best friends always used to say to me, "When you haven't got that much time left, you just have to keep things simple". This was a day when she sat me down and told me she had terminal cancer and I cried my eyes out. She was actually refering to us going out and just having fun. But she applied it to all areas and it really worked for her.

Oh and that day we simply donned a couple of her wigs, went to the pub and got thoroughly bladdered because she was trying to cheer ME up.

She was an old soul, in a young body which unfortunately gave out at the age of 32, I read her eulogy at her funeral last week.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 14:03, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Abandon Ship....
NYE 2005 and I was at the party of my then squeeze. Twas a fancy dress party to which I deigned to go as a pirate (ARRRRH). The squeeze was dressed as Penfold, although I often muse as to whether a costume was strictly necessary as the resemblance he bore to Penfold was uncanny.

Anyway, for a little while now I had suspected that his attentions weren't entirely focused on me and this was something of a problem which needed addressing, but perhaps not on NYE....

The night started quite well, the beer and wine was flowing, people dancing and I was well on the way to feeling quite merry, that is until I got involved with a small bottle of Smirnoff vodka, going from merry to scuttered in about 20 mins.

I felt great, invincible even, dancing, flirting, spanking Che Guevara with my cutlass, then I went a bit too far...Snatching a bottle of champagne from his parents and swigging like a true pirate (YARRRRRR).

Penfold saw fit to tell me off for my behaviour and in hindsight was well within his rights, sadly this was like a red rag to a bull, or a mutiny on the bounty. I stomped upstairs to his bedroom and sat sulking on the bed in the dark...A strange glow emanated from the bedside table....It was his phone, I was powerless to stop myself, I looked (I'm ashamed) I can't believe I did it BUT I was right he HAD been focusing his attentions elsewhere.

Right then the red mists descended, I stood up, slowly walked downstairs sweetly asked him to come outside because I had something to say to him...We stepped outside the front door and into his garden, he removed his Penfold head and tucked it under his arm and between gritted teeth I told him that I knew he'd been seeing someone else, which he denied. Then This happened:

I, GirlOfTheWorld, drew my (plastic) cutlass and punctuated every word of the following with a blow to the head.

"DO. NOT. FUCKING. LIE. TO. ME. YOU. PATHETIC. LITTLE. CUNT. HOW. FUCKING. DARE. YOU."

If my friends, a woodland fairy and Magda from The Rocky Horror Show hadn't come out and stopped me, I think he would have been in the ground like a giant, furry, unfaithful tent peg.

Length? I was scorned so it was tiny of course.
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 14:51, More)

» Housemates

Pants!
I came in from work and was startled by high pitched shrieking “Oh lovely” I thought, “M must be back from her weekend away”. I wandered into the dining room to find M holding a pair of her underpants aloft and D swaying back and forth after having obviously been smoking many biffs in the shed all afternoon.

I sat down for five minutes watching M get redder and more high pitched and watching D do…..Well, very little apart from blink in a confused manner. Anyhoo, while I observed this delightful exchange, I gleaned from it that D had dared to hang M’s smalls on the line with his dirty man hands. She was enraged about this for some reason. I went over to crack open a bottle of wine, poured a glass and decided it was time to interject “Did he have them on his head or something M?” I ventured “Don’t be so bloody RIDICULOUS!” She replied.

I took my mirth to the front room and gigglingly sipped my wine. About half way down the glass I heard stomping and a door slamming – M off to boil wash her undercrackers. Then another unindentified thud. I went out to investigate and found D on his back with a beatific smile on his face, when he finally roused himself some 3 hours later he could remember neither hanging M’s pants on the line, nor the resulting spitting, screeching, hellcat fury that ensued.

I love them dearly, I do.
(Thu 26th Feb 2009, 13:34, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Tits and Teabags
This is a tale of my own un-erotic nudity.

Having just touched down at Caister Soul Weekender, my very shy and deeply respectful to women friend (now housemate) and I settled down for a bit of a smoke and a bit of a drink. Exit housemate for a pee in the loo of our delightfully white trash static caravan. On exiting the bathroom his belt loop caught on a rogue lip of metal, he managed to simultaneously bend the frame from around the sink and wedgie himself. After I had finished laughing at him we decided to fix the frame with a makeshift hammer i.e, one of my shoes. Job's a good'un....Or so I thought.


Anyway, about 4pm we were, well, toasted and so as not to bring a premature end to the evenings festivities I decied to take a nice sobering shower. As the bedroom was literally a step away from the bathroon I decided to forgo donning my dressing gown and nip across the 'hall' in my towel. So I carefully wraped the towel around me, opened the door and stepped out shouting "It's all yours!". As I did this my towel became hooked on the same lip of metal and as I stepped into the hall/kitchen my housemate was faced with a very naked me. He was making me a cuppa as a surprise. I think I had the monopoly on surprise. For a split second we made eye contact then he went puce and covered his eyes with the teabags he was fishing out of the cups.

I started laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of it all and out of the corner of my eye I saw, through the kitchen window a man, naked apart from a cowboy hat and a rather large...grin dancing around just as I clocked him he clocked me which set me off laughing even more. Housemate uttered the immortal line "For goodnessake go and put some bloody clothes on!".

I was quite upset that he found seeing me naked quite so traumatising! I'm not that bloody bad! HUMPH.
(Fri 29th May 2009, 15:21, More)