» Accidental innuendo

Badly handled innuendo
I work part-time in the local old-mans boozer. One night I was in my usual position (sat on my bum on a bar stool awaiting instruction) when a middle aged gent entered the pub and approached the bar. Surveying our large range of draught bitters, he ummed and erred for a while before asking for:

'One of your handjobs please'

whilst making a pulling motion with his arm.

I know what he meant, but ended up wheezing with silent laughter, shoulders a-shaking, while having to deliver said 'handjob' ie. pint of bitter for those unfamiliar with the good ole British pub.

That should have been it, and I wish to god it had been, but when the hysteria began to subside I replied;

'I'm afraid I don't do those'

and then, for why I do not know, said;

'Oh, well, I do, just not in here'

When I saw the look of horror on his face, I realised I'd just told a respectable-looking, pillar of the community-type complete stranger, that I wank people off in my spare time.

Horrors.

First post - yay woo!
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 19:31, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Alien abduction?
The other night I was in bed with the bloke I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks.

‘I love you’ say I, for the very first time.

In the morning when I woke, he’d disappeared.

Explain that one!
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 9:14, More)

» Common

Text speak
I cut the below from a facebook group site:

"ope trish turns up safe n well,my forts r wiv al family, friends n associates t trish .best of luck ye n try n stay strong 4 da nxt hurtin person goin thru dis agony wiv u ,im opin 4 a happy outcum along wiv evry1 else XxX"

I can cope with it on a text message (though I did once refuse a second date with a bloke on the grounds of too much text speak - he doesn't know that though), you're trying to save space etc, but there is no excuse for it on facebook etc. Its free! Use as much space as you want!

While I'm on it, the constant misuse of their / they're / there, your / you're and people using 'borrowed' instead of 'lent' and 'learnt' instead of 'taught'. And misuse / complete failure to use punctuation. Which should ensure that I've misused punctuation somewhere in all this which some kind b3tard will point out to me and I'll be suitably embarrassed.

Ooooh I like this weeks QotW!
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 0:47, More)

» Creepy!

Not funny, sorry
A couple of years ago I was living in a terraced house in Reading. I woke up one morning and made my way downstairs. There was a window halfway down the stairs looking out on to the driveway, and as I passed I glanced out, only to see my car was missing. Clearly the car’s been stolen; not unheard of round that area of the world, and more of an inconvenience than anything. I make my way down the remainder of the stairs ready to call the police, walk into the kitchen to discover the window broken open and stuff everywhere. The living room was much the same. Laptop, camera, Wii etc and obviously car keys had all been stolen. Someone had broken in overnight while I was asleep and cleaned me out of anything of any value.

The feeling that someone had been in my house while I was asleep just up the stairs freaked me out so much. Whoever it was could have easily walked up the stairs, opened my bedroom door, looked at me sleeping; I’d probably have been none the wiser until they decided to bludgeon me to death. I still can’t believe I didn’t know there was someone there in my house. It’s so frighteningly easy for someone to get into your house and take your stuff, I just have to count myself lucky that that was all my burglars were after. The episode preceded a nice dose of depression and sped my departure from Reading.

In other news, Marc Almond also gives me the heeby-jeebies.
(Fri 8th Apr 2011, 20:40, More)

» Common

my neighbour
I was going to write something snobby about the mum of my best mate when I was growing up, but then I had a change of heart, so I'm going to pay a small tribute to her shining beacon of commoness in an otherwise middle-class childhood:

1. She made home-made chips, in a chip pan on the hob. She served them with sausage and egg, on trays, so we could eat in front of the TV.
2. She kept us kids well topped-up with Vimto cordial
3. She believed in 'Elevenses' - basically an excuse to sit down and eat Kit-Kats, Gold Bars, Club biscuits, Penguins or whatever chocolaty treat she had stashed in the cupboards that week.
4. She approved whole-heartedly of Girls Worlds, Sylvanian Families and, most importantly, Barbie! Her two daughters had every kind of Barbie PLUS the Barbie house, Barbie horse and carriage, Barbie car etc.
5. She was an enthusiastic watcher of the soaps; Coronation Street, Eastenders, Brookside, and the golden chalice for 8-year-old girls......Neighbours. She would even call us in from the garden when Neighbours was starting.

All small stuff, but stuff I never got at home, where I had to watch Newsround and Blue Peter then turn the TV off, chips were a birthday treat, I had to eat healthy foods (read over-boiled veg) washed down with Robinson's cordial while sat at the dinner table, and Barbie was banned. So, Stacey's Mum, I salute you!
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:26, More)