» School Days

Poetry
...Or 'Po-yetry' as they pronounce it in my home town was the order of the day in Higher English, which I was resitting, along with a couple of mates who also paid little attention the first time.
The teacher was taking us through the 'imagery' in this poem and a particular line about the picking of wild flowers - 'Sleekloon - you like picking wild flowers,' she says, quite without provocation in an attempt to get someone in the class to answer a question.
'Yes!', I say, then stand, singing '...I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars!'
My mate sat next to me then stands up immediately and helps me with the chorus, before we both sit back down and grin at the teacher who was quite lost for words, as I recall. The chap sat opposite us had gone beetroot red and tried to make it quite plain that he was not associated with either of these mentals at his table.
(Tue 3rd Feb 2009, 5:34, More)

» Celebrities part II

Doctor Heckle
I used to volunteer at a theatre near where I lived in Salford, taking the tickets on the door and showing people to seats, for which I got to see the performance for free, so I saw loads of difficult to get in to performances.
One night there was a guy called Richard Hawley playing his songs. He finishes his first and starts talking to the audience;
Hawley: You havin' a good time? You're all a bit quiet. Normally I've had a bit of abuse by this point..
Voice In Audience: Gerrof! Ye're rubbish! Play us summut we know!
Hawley: Sometimes people think I've got a plant in the audience when someone does that - Mate, with you, I've got a vegetable.
I thought I recognised the voice of the heckler and a little while later someone came to get out for some drinks. It was Christopher Eccleston.
Me (pointing an accusing finger): That was YOU earlier, wasn't it?
Eccleston (looking hunted): Me? What? Er...
That whole incident kept me amused for a good while. I'm easily pleased.
(Sat 10th Oct 2009, 4:45, More)

» Will you go out with me?

How I met My Wife
I was in a samba band (several, actually) and was returning from a gig at three in the morning, trying to decide whether I felt like going to a party the next night. My fellow band members badgered me into going, so I went.
There I was, glass in hand, just milling around when I spotted this rather tall lady chatting to some of my friends so i walked over, looked straight at her shoes and uttered the immortal phrase, "My God, what size are your feet?" (She is a tall lady) We spent much of the rest of the party talking in to the small hours until my lift had to drag me away. We're still together and married. Yay for my smooth-talking ways!
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 3:09, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Biochemist Humour
Be gentle.
This one didn't come from me, but I was working at a genetics company and we had a fairly multinational mix. In our field sometimes the proteins we studdied splits, or 'cleaves'. I think you can guess where this is going. Anyway, Fan (chinese) is showing Koen (dutch) her latest analysis, resulting in the priceless, straightfaced comment, "Hey, Fan, nice cleavage!" Other members of the lab dissolved into Sid James-style chuckling.
On another note, at a party with work colleagues and our resident goth is there wearing a black vest-style top affording a good view of her tattoos - as well as her othernot inconsiderable attributes. Prompting me to stop her and state, genuinely about the tats 'My god! Those are fabulous!', then, being possessed by the ghost of Sid James, '...And the tattoos aren't bad either.'
My mate, a passed master at the filthy comment, nodded sagely beside me before I made a swift getaway.
(Wed 18th Jun 2008, 3:03, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

I'm Scottish, So...
Football - uninteresting and not worth getting worked-up about.
Whisky - a foul, foul liquid.
Being anti-English - The last battle was hundreds of years ago, GET OVER IT!

I was kicked-out, obviously.
(Sat 17th Oct 2009, 4:41, More)