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» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

Had to go meet my sister one day
So on the train changed into some really nasty shiny traccy bottoms, pulled one leg up to my knee.
Put on a really stained t-shirt and a big bobble hat.
Then to top it off I pulled my extra large boxer shorts (pants grey) out of the waistband of my traccies right up to my chest.

Stepped off the train and shouted "Biddy, look they let me travel by myself" in my bestest spacker/mong voice and waving my arms wildly.

She took one look at me turned and ran for her car in the car park.
So I ran after her shouting in mongy terms how pleased I was to see her and could I have some crayons to chew on.
She did eventually let me in the car.
(Fri 17th Jun 2011, 7:54, More)

» The Dark

Caught short
Once walking home about half midnight felt the need to pop a sausage from my bum. Trouble was I was nowhere near my house and no toilets anywhere.
So I climbed over a small wall and thru a hedge into what I thought was a little garden/park. It was pitch black, couldn't see a thing. Pulled my trousers down and dumped.
Next day I was walking back along the same road and decided to look in said park/garden to see if my plop was about.
Walked through the gate and around the big hedge I'd climbed thru and found a tennis court.
And right in the middle was a huge poo, MY POO.
And there were two people staring at it wanting to play tennis in their lovely white tennis clothes.
I was so proud I shouted "That's mine" then ran off.
(Fri 24th Jul 2009, 7:34, More)

» Bodge Jobs

Wiring and weetabix
Wife once asked for me to put up a coat rack.
I duly started drilling with an old handdrill and managed to drill through the earth and live wires embedded in the wall.

BANG, off the chair I went. When I recovered I found the drill welded to the wires in the wall and the main fuse blown.
One quick call to the leccy people who told me "65 for each 15 minutes it takes to fix" followed by my "Feck off you money grabbing bastards."
So I made sure the electric was off, chisled out th plaster with an old screwdriver, wrapped electrical tape round the two wires and hey presto it all worked again.

Slight problem, no plaster, no money.
So I made up my favourite breakfast cereal, weetabix 3 tablespoons of sugar and warm milk. Only this time I only used a little milk.
Spooned it into the hole in the wall and it set like cement.
Bit of paint the next day andno problems with it 20 years later.
(Sat 12th Mar 2011, 10:07, More)

» Asking people out

I asked
the would be mrs Bogeypie out at school.
Went up to her in library and asked "Would you like too make mad passionate love quietly? Because it's a library, shhhhhhh!"
She been Mrs Bogeypie for nearly 30 years now.
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 18:48, More)

» Driven to Madness

Those bastards that put coffee in the sugar.
You know who you are.
You get a spoonful of coffee then you dip the spoon in the sugar leaving fucking coffee in it.
I hate having my tea poisoned with your cat piss smelling fucking coffee.
(Fri 5th Oct 2012, 8:23, More)
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