» The Dark

Caught short
Once walking home about half midnight felt the need to pop a sausage from my bum. Trouble was I was nowhere near my house and no toilets anywhere.
So I climbed over a small wall and thru a hedge into what I thought was a little garden/park. It was pitch black, couldn't see a thing. Pulled my trousers down and dumped.
Next day I was walking back along the same road and decided to look in said park/garden to see if my plop was about.
Walked through the gate and around the big hedge I'd climbed thru and found a tennis court.
And right in the middle was a huge poo, MY POO.
And there were two people staring at it wanting to play tennis in their lovely white tennis clothes.
I was so proud I shouted "That's mine" then ran off.
(Fri 24th Jul 2009, 7:34, More)

» Call Centres

Explain the problem
I used to work for BT (spit) I was there for 18 months as a "temp" (some temps had been there 5 years). Anyway I was on 151 faults and one idiot called to say his phone had been repaired on time. "Great" says I. Idiot says "But what was exactly wrong and what did the engineer do to fix it?"
As people who work in BT know there are never any fucking helpful notes on anything. His report just said something like broken at pole.
So I told him that. He wouldn't accept a broken wire and mended broken wire and kept on for5 minutes. So I told him to wait while I got the engineer on the line to explain it fully to me. Put him on hold for 5 mins and went for a fag.
When I went back to him he was still there. So with my best bit of star trek knowledge, told him "There was a surge in the plasma conduit which overloaded the transporter buffer, so the engineer replaced an isolinear chip."
"Thanks" he said "that's all I wanted to know."
Twat rang off, re-phoned and left a message for my manager saying how helpful I'd been.
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 7:32, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

Clean the telly
Our first telly was a big 20 inch black and white monster.
Worked fine for 6 months then funny noises came from the on/off switch and it wouldnt turn on. Blew it with an airline and it worked twice then died again. Deecided it was dust in the switch but was unable to take it out.
So I put the telly in the bath, submereged it in water, then left it to dry for 3 days in the airing cupboard. When it seemed bone dry, plugged it in and turned it on using a long pointy wooden stick.
Amazingly I am still alive, it didn't blow up or electrocute me and we only got rid of it when we got a colour one a year later.
(Sat 22nd Aug 2009, 10:00, More)

» Banks

Got them
Many many years ago I was with a bank and went od by about £100. At the sametime I changed jobs and was paid cash so no money going in the bank.
Bank kept sending snotty letters and saying they would send the bailiffs. So I phoned them and said I would try and pay back the money at £10 a month.
Anyway paid one month and couldn't afford it anymore so didn't pay.
Ignored more snotty letters until I got one from their debt collection team.
Wrote back a nice letter saying "I agreed to TRY and pay back £10 a month. You agreed to this. I now find myself unable to pay back the money so I'm not going to."
They wrote back and said basically "OK"
Still makes me feel happy.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 7:36, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

all of these
Flicity Kendall, Kate Bush, Suzy Quatro, Toyah Wilcox, The Girl from Timeslip, Cheryl Baker, Lycette Anthony, Janet Ellis, Jennifer Anniston and of course Sarah Green. I told my wife if she ever left me, all of them would have to fight each other for me whilst covered in baby oil.
She says it's just a fantasy, but I know they would.
(Fri 6th Nov 2009, 7:32, More)