» Mobile phone disasters

not so much a mobile disaster, as a 'had no mobile...should have spotted the disaster..'
it was the mid 90's, and unlike his best mate Loz, my fiance David didn't have a mobile phone. One night he'd gone out with his work colleagues and come home to an unholy row in the early hours as he "couldn't have phoned home, didn't remember his phone number". I was about as accepting as the non-Nazis were with the 'obeying orders' defence at Nuremberg. I cunted him off something chronic.
Two months later, and he's in hospital, having 'gone into one' after friends were over, and started talking utter nonsenes (despite only one can of Guinness) diagnosed with a massive brain tumour, the early symptoms of which were the apparent early-onset Alzheimer's he was displaying.
He fought. He fought hard. Two lots of brain surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy, the chemo he endured having been told there wasn't time to save his sperm but he'd be infertile, sorry.
So not a mobile phone disaster, but if he'd had a phone, I'd maybe have noticed something other than the "forgot your own number to get out of a bollocking" ruse he tried.
It's fourteen years now. I've never forgiven myself for not noticing the early signs. Maybe he'd still be alive.
(Tue 4th Aug 2009, 21:19, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Spoilt brats...
further to the child in the supermarket and the shallots, I was once in a bistro in Fulham and heard a little girl, no more than seven, wailing
"Oh no Mummy! I've spilt couscous down my gilet!!"

That is so wrong on so many levels.....
(Sat 11th Oct 2008, 12:10, More)

» The Dark

Camping in Big Sur
I'd gone on a Trek America holiday and we were going down the Pacific Coast Highway (which is beautiful if you've never been) and camped overnight in Big Sur (the place with the giant Sequoia's)
We got the obligatory talk about bears. It appears the worst thing you can do if confronted is turn and run as they can easily outrun a person. Roger, Wilco. Got that.
Anyway, woke up in the middle of the night needing the loo. Could I find my torch? Could I fark. Could I see through my contact-lensless eyes? Could I fark. Aimed myself in the general direction of the toilet block.
You know what is coming, don't you...
Halfway there I hear this snuffly snorty sound and looking to the left into the undergrowth with my myopic eyes I saw a dark black shape. Moving. And making animal noises.
Immediately I forgot the bear lecture and raced like a motherfucker to the toilet block, imagining the bear's saliva spraying the back of my neck as it went in for the kill.
Into the toilet block, slam the door. The light is on so I can see. Sort of. Still blind, no lenses. By this time I was in hysterics. Praising Jesus for saving me and promising I'd go to church ten times a day until the day I die for saving me from the bear.

A concerned face popped out from a shower stall. 'Jeez honey are you ok?'
'No, I've just escaped from a bear... it was chasing me'
'Black, large, snuffly?'
'That's him'
'Oh bless you honey that was my dog'

Moral of the story is... it's very dark at Big Sur. Keep a maglite to hand. And wear your fucking glasses.
(Fri 24th Jul 2009, 7:51, More)

» Banks

Celeb clients
One of our celeb clients at my old bank was Roger Moore. Suave as a motherfucker, exceedingly polite, and always carried a little pack of head shots to autograph for his adoring public.

Got one for my Mum. She framed it.
(Tue 21st Jul 2009, 15:03, More)

» Workplace Boredom

hmm could be costly ...
When I am bored at work I play Ebay roulette. It's where you bet on shit you really don't want just to bump up the price for those poor sad twats that do want the item. In the past couple of weeks I have very nearly got lumbered with the world's ugliest sideboard. Some other numpty only outbid me by 56 pence. That was a lucky one. But not for the poor cunt who had to pay £130 more than before I got involved. Sorry love, if you're reading this.
(Mon 12th Jan 2009, 20:17, More)