» Unemployed

My first unemployment
was strange in many ways.

I was working as chief "burger" flipper in a grand establishment that sounds exactly like MacDonalds. My reason for being sacked was nothing out of the ordinary, my sacking was nothing out of the ordinary, it was the journey home that will haunt me to this day.

I was awash with the feeling of freedom that only fresh dismissal provides and decided i would saunter along an alternate route to my regular watering hole.

As I turned into this strange new road, i felt the pit of my stomach sink to my knees.
Then I spotted it.

From the corner of my eye, it was sitting, in all its russet glory.
I was compelled to move toward it, the fact it was currently residing in a skip doing nothing to deter me.

I pawed at it nervously, then my wonderment overcame my terror and i exploded forth, ripping and shredding 'til my prize was revealed.....


.....I could barely believe my eyes. Some sick Cunt had not only compiled what can only be described as the most lurid, grotesque, smorgasbord of smut-riddled discs I had ever seen, but catalogued and cross-refenced them!
I heaved my guts across the "collection" and as my mind whirred I felt a burly hand grab the back of my neck.
As I turned to face a six foot policeman I noticed the crying child behind him.

"That's him! Thats the bad man who tried to make my look at his horrible things!" cried the youngster.

I barely had time to plead my case before I was whisked away, sirens blazing.



So dear reader, as I sit here writing this under constant surveillance, awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit, please try to imagine the harrowwing torment I am currently undergoing. I regret the series of events that unfolded, and cannot remove from my mind the vision of a scrap of cardboard bearing the words "THE GREAT PROJECT"
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 15:06, More)

» Call Centres

A man rang yesterday to ask if i was the unit of electrical impedence
but I wasn't ohm.
(Wed 9th Sep 2009, 16:54, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

I was a budding young artist/sculpter
at the height of my creative peak.
I had just received a phone call from my then-girlfriend telling me Out Of Nowhere that I wasn't enough,
"I Need A Man, I feel just like a Prisoner Of Love" she calmly informed me.
"I'm not giving you up" I spluttered.
"It's too late"
I pleaded "You Can't Walk Away From Love", but she was having none of it.
It was over.
Mi Buen Amor had left me. There was only one thing I could do. Use my talent to sculpt a large statue of the woman who had brought us together.

It was Gloria(ous)
And that is how i created my big-Estefan.
(Wed 22nd Apr 2009, 13:40, More)

» School Days

Barmy Bhavani
Science Technicians.

We all had them (I presume).

Ours was a lady of (most likely) Indian descent named Bhavani(sp?).
She was a lady of limited vocabulary, limited in fact to a single word. "George"

"George" was the head of biology, and constantly tailed by Bhavani. Bhavani and her trolley, scattered with test tubes, beakers and the like.

She was the only person I've ever encountered who seemed to be constantly confused by everything and everyone around her...except George of course. George was her rock.

Her defining moment was during one Biology lesson, she skulked toward us (unsettling to say the least) and proceeded to open a drawer immediately behind us labelled Test Tubes.
Surely, test tubes would be discovered upon opening?


No.

A single jaffa cake pocket pack (remember the ones from the advert...."Full moon, half moon, total eclipse"?) lay silently, motionless (as would be expected from an inanimate object).
Bhavani is obviously confused by the presence of such a foreign item. Lifting it precariously she sniffs...shows the slightest moment of ecstacy....but alas, upon realising her plastic companion cannot be removed from its humble abode, replaced it with a mixture of anger and regret.

The back row of us 4/5 young gentlemen were obviously bewildered by this event, and burst into the inevitable roar of laughter.

From that moment on, I shed a silent tear whenever anything leads me to reminisce about Bhavani and her secret plastic lover.
(Wed 4th Feb 2009, 19:42, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Tiffany.
Amber.
Thiessen.

I completely forgot about her for years until I saw an advert for a telly programme with her in a while back. She was wearing a purple blouse and I jizzed in my grundies then and there.
(Thu 5th Nov 2009, 12:01, More)