» Buses

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Use to get the bus home from school every day. Journey was normally about 20 minutes but the closer we got to Christmas the longer and fuller the bus got. And the last week of school the bus was standing room only and you couldnt get another single (or married) person onboard

Sat up the back (because I was one of the hard kids) a couple of rows in front was a mum with a young daughter balancing her shopping on her lap. The little kid was standing next to her and was singing loudly. The only song she knew was The wheels on the bus

"The wheels on the bus go round and round.
Round and round
round and round
etc

But she only knew once verse. Which she then repeated again and again and again.

And whilst the first time was cute the 23rd time was more than slightly irritating.

So mum turned to her daughter and asked the little darling if she could sing something else.

At which point her daughter stopped and thought for a second before starting up again with

"Bodyform. Bodyform for YOUUUUUUUUU!

The bus laughed and the mum went red in the face.
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 13:24, More)

» School Days

Owl Stretching Time
Despite being at a Grammar School I was in the bottom set for French, this was basically the dozen worst pupils stuck in a room with the slightly psychotic teacher Mr K. Mr K was old school, called everyone by their surnames, and would regularly threaten students. Only one or two ever got a beating more through luck and the law than any self restraint on his part. The kid whose Dad had sold MR K a dodgy second hand porsche that broke down beyond repair after 4 months was one major target of his Ire.

He also had the sort of moustache that looked out of place anywhere other than the army or gay porn.

Given we were the bottom set basically meant we were the lazy ones or the ones the teachers didnt like and most of us were actually quite good at French at least by G.C.S.E standard.
French was always held in the same room a semi-underground room that also had a storeroom of it.

One day as we came into the class two of my classmates known as Meanly and Reid turned up each wrapped in a red curtain and with a cushion hidden underneath. They had also drawn swirly moustaches on their top lip with marker pens. They then went and hid in the storecupboard.

Not long after Mr K turned up. and in his usual angry way said to another pupil "SOUTHGATE. WHERE ARE MEANLY AND REID"
and southgate obviously in on the joke replied straight faced

"Well I didnt expect the Spanish Inquisition"

At which point the two lads jumped out of the storeroom menacingly holding their cloak and shouted.

"No one expects the spannish inquisition"

To which mr K straight face just said

"Get out" with no hint of emotion

the rest of the class then wet themselves laughing for a full 30 minutes.

If I have time the story of Gordon Browns moneymaking scheme will be revealed.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2009, 11:06, More)

» Buses

Sir Arthur Conan Doyles rejected first draft.
Your theme this week reminds me of a story from the time before I moved in with my wife Sarah, and still lived with my good friend Mr Sherlock Holmes.

We had just finished the Mysterious Case of the Mysterious Case and the Adventure of the Purple Headed Spitting Snake of Sri Lanka, both of which I have previously regaled you with.

Holmes had spent the morning alone in his room fiddling, and came out about lunchtime to play on his violin. For some reason this morning he looked exactly like Robert Downey Junior.

"I bored" exclaimed Holmes and then walked over to the window to observe the street "However I believe that a tall darked haired gentleman with a slight limp dressed in a butlers outfit is about to offer us a job"

"Amazing Holmes" I said, how can you tell.

"Because he is standing right in front of us you twat" replied Holmes

"Good Afternoon Sirs" said the butler. "My name is Jeeves and I have come on behalf of my master Lord Baskerville. I believe his life is in danger."

Of course Holmes and I followed immedietly stopping only for Lunch, Dinner, take in a matinee performance at Mrs Miggins Music Hall experience, and a two week holiday in Skegness.

We sat on the first train out of Victoria station, with the journey to the west country planned to take only 5 hours.

"Watson, I hear that Earl Richard of Branson has plans to improve the service so that with in only 100 years it will take twice as long"

"Amazing Holmes" I replied "And are you currently wearing that Nuns outfit as a disguise against your arch nemesis Morriarty."

"No I just like the way it feels" He replied.

We arrived at Dusk that evening at Baskerville Hall. Where we were introduced to the 16th Lord Baskerville.

"Good evening your lordship" Said Holmes. "I can tell that you have recently been on a shooting holiday in the Dordogne, spent the last two days in the bathroom with a severe stomach infection and have secret desires for your housemaid."

"Amazing Holmes. How do you do that" I asked him

"Elementary my dear Watson. I just nicked his diary".

However at that point we were interupted by a demonic howl from outside.

The Lord ran and hid under the sofa, whilst Holmes, the butler and myself ran outside.

"His lordship is being terrorised by some evil being from beyond the grave" Explained the butler. "Either as part of a historic family curse or an incredibly convoluted plot to steal his family fortune from a long lost ancestor."

Then through the mist came two piercing red lights, and a sound like a revving diesel engine.

"Goodness Holmes. It looks like a possessed american style coach for going across country."
"No Watson. It is worse than that. It is the Greyhound of the Baskervilles".
(Wed 1st Jul 2009, 13:02, More)

» PE Lessons

Spider Teacher Spider Teacher Does what ever a spider teacher does
It involves A PE Teachers so I am sure it counts.

We had famously lazy PE teachers one would drive up to the edge of the football pitch and then sit in his car directing the game with his horn or flashing his lights. Why be a PE Teacher if you are that lazy.

But this story is about another of the staff who for obvious reasons will remain nameless. It turned out that one of the PE teachers was having an affair with the wife of the history teacher, which is great news in itself but even better is the way it was found out.

One of the pupils mothers worked as a nurse at A&E and one evening the PE teacher was brought in with a broken leg. Apparently he had been "role playing" with the history teachers wife and whilst she was on the bed he had jumped off a wardrobe, but being large he had bounced straight of the bed and onto the floor breaking his leg. Firstly the history teacher whose wife he was sleeping with had to help take him to hospital which must have been an interesting car journey.

But much much better was the fact that as part of his role playing the Teacher had been dressed as Spiderman.

Queue much singing of the theme tune as he walked past in the corridor.
(Wed 25th Nov 2009, 11:28, More)

» Festivals

Pulp but no fiction
V97 or V98. One of the two but cant remember which.

This was back when summers were hot every year. Wandering around V festival at Chelmsford with a mate, we spotted a bloke dressed in a full monkey costume giving out leaflets, but with some kind of security woman with him for some level of protection.

Now this was a hot day, people were melting and it looked like a festival for Lobsters. So I told this bloke fairly vocally that he was a wanker and a twat and obviously desperate for money. He looked at me and wandered off.

Later that night the headline act Pulp came on stage, only for Jarvis Cocker to reveal that he had decided to go around the festival grounds but could only do it in a disguise. That disguise was a monkey costume.

I had insulted the headline act.
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 17:35, More)