» School Days

Human Caterpillar
It was a quiet day in the sixth form common room so we thought we'd form a human caterpillar - you know, one crouches, the one in front puts his feet on the other's shoulders and so on (jesus, we must have been really bored). Anyway, Phil starts it by getting on his hands and knees ready for the next person. None of us think to inform him that the headmaster has just entered the room, accompanied by three stuffy-looking governors or parents or whatever, midway through a guided tour of the school.

They all stand over Phil who is still crouched, arse sticking in the air.

Blissfully unaware he implores loudly,

"Come on you cunts, get on!"
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 14:02, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Shit pun...
I thought about moving to Ponders End for a while but soon stopped.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 16:32, More)

» Puns

Hoovers etc.
I sold my hoover a while ago. Well, it'd only been gathering dust.

I sold it to an eskimo down the road. I asked him of he liked being an eskimo. He replied, "Yeah, I'm Inuit".

In her will my grandmother left me an antique Victorian wig weaving machine. Apparently it's the family heirloom.

I had a pet frog which killed itself. It kermitted suicide.

I went to a Judas Priest concert. After the show I was invited to Rob Halford's. I got nicked trying to break into a bike shop.

It's good to get those off my chest.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 18:59, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Michaela Strachan..
..in the Wide Awake Club era.
(Thu 5th Nov 2009, 19:56, More)

» The Dark

Where's the door gone?
When I was about eight years old my dad embarked on a project to partition a huge bedroom to make one small one and one big one. For a while I slept in the unfinished small bedroom which was awaiting a window and was devoid of any furniture, apart from my bed. I remember waking up one night desperate for a pee, but what with it being absolutely pitch black I could find neither the door nor the light switch. Behaving quite rationally under the circumstances, I put my hands on the wall and started to walk the perimeter of the small rectangular room, feeling my way and thinking I'd come across the door before too long. I didn't find it though, which was strange and a little worrying. I carried on until I'd done the circuit twice or maybe more. Still no door. I started to get a bit freaked out at this point but the call of nature took over and I basically had to piss where I was standing (all over some rolled up carpet as I discovered the following morning) and go back to bed. I still don't know where the door went that night.
(Tue 28th Jul 2009, 12:37, More)