» God

Christians
A Christian guy once said to a roomful of people, of which I was one, that a good level of Biblical literacy would be a positive thing even among non-Christians.

His reasoning was that as a Christian, one wouldn't have so many ignorant, knee-jerk atheists (as opposed to a reasonable, rational atheist, which I like to class myself as) slagging off their faith using some anecdotal evidence of a mentalist who happened to be religious to condemn the entire movement, totally ignoring the positive benefits.

As an atheist, on the other hand, one would be better equipped to identify the "bad apples", so to speak - the folk who cite a religious motive when talking bollocks and twisting the words of their faith - and counter their arguments with the only language certain idiots understand - that of the Bible.

Now, taking his words to heart, I had a flick through the Bible, and I have to say it really is very funny, especially Leviticus. Did you know you're not allowed to sow your field with more than one type of seed? I guess that must've been a big social ill back in the day. Or that if you make a sacrifice to God, you can eat bits of it on the first day.

That's fine.

Eat it on the second day?

No complaints.

Want some of that yummy sacrifice meat on the third day?

How dare you? Actually how dare you?! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?! You're fucking done for now, you miserable bastard! I can't believe you. Look what you've done! For this there can be no forgiveness, no respite. I name you beast.

I guess that three day old meat was really causing problems back then too. It makes you wonder just how abominably people were behaving back then.

But the main thing I carried away from the Bible is the knowledge that whenever God says anything He uses "I am the LORD" in the same way you or I would use a full stop or short pause. It gives me something to say upon climax (whether my girlfriend's present or not) which replaces the previous front-runner "I'm Batman".

I'm so damned, but I had a good laugh finding out how and why.

Length? I am the LORD.
(Tue 24th Mar 2009, 2:27, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Boring seaside town
I went to a crappy seaside resort for a break recently, and it was rubbish. Literally the only entertainment they had was a scuba equipment shop and hire.

Man, what a dive.
(Mon 2nd Nov 2009, 22:23, More)

» Nativity Plays

No-one at my school was that coarse or incontinent
But I've replied to posts saying bad things about this week's topic, so I feel I should contribute here to ease my conscience and not be seen as a whiner...

...Okay. I was five, like so many at that time. I thought I was king of the world. I understood that atoms were so small you can't even see them, that nothing was bigger than infinity (except infinity plus one, at a push), and I knew that claiming I was a hundred years old wasn't impressing anyone.

So I was cast, at the very beginning of my long and distinguished career in school performance, as a shepherd. Upon seeing that I got a tea towel on my head, and that the angels got a bit of wire with tinsel as a halo, I did only what was reasonable. I wept like a burst pipe, insisting that I be an angel too. I wanted that halo, and everyone knew that shepherds are shit.

So after crying inconsolably until it was a Christmas miracle in itself that my little head contained any more water, I became an angel, only for the halo to itch, and for me to turn on the waterworks again, begging to have that comfy tea towel back.

Of course, now I look back I know that what I was really begging for was a clip round the ear, I just didn't realise it at the time.

Yeah, yeah, it's not funny. I tried.
(Mon 30th Mar 2009, 1:03, More)

» Puns

I heard...
...that in life, Jeremy Beadle had quite a massive cock. On the other hand, it was quite small.

Apologies if not even slightly funny.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 22:52, More)

» Puns

Holmes and Watson in an new and refreshing style
"I say Holmes, the devious villain has swallowed the vital clue to crack this case!"

"Fear not Watson - using this device taken from Professor Moriarty, we may shrink ourselves such that we can go inside his body via his mouth and recover the clue!"

"How clever! My word Holmes, it looks exactly like a miniature barge..."

"And so it should Watson, for we are to use it upon a canal."

"But Holmes, you just said we were going inside the scoundrel...where does a canal come into this?

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

*pop*
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 15:46, More)