» Call Centres

Never read and speak at the same time
I used to work in a call centre. I also used to run pub quizzes in the evenings. One day over lunchtime it was quiet in the office, so I decided to write some questions. My research on this particular day was for the music round, so there I was with my head buried in the Guinness Book of Hit Singles. Suddenly there was a beep in my ear, which was my cue to speak, upon which I uttered the immortal line 'Good afternoon, Frankie Goes To Hollywood'. Christ I felt like a twat as a roar of confused laughter went round the room.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 22:45, More)

» Weird Traditions

BOLLOCKS!
Whenever I belch, which is frequently and loudly, I can't stop myself from saying 'Bollocks' at the same time. Been doing it for years and I still amuse myself.
I'm 32 and really should know better.
(Mon 1st Aug 2005, 15:55, More)

» Lost...

Dr Who badge
I left a black anorak in a bar on a campsite in Brittany sometime in the mid 80's. It had a big blue Doctor Who badge on the front. I don't suppose anyone found it by any chance? I think it was probably somewhere near the Galaga machine. I had all the high score table to myself you know!
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 18:54, More)

» Teenage Poetry

Bollocks
I can't claim to have made this up, and someone may already have posted it, but here goes anyway. Here's one I remember from when I was at school.

When I die, Bury me,
Hang my bollocks on a cherry tree,
When they're ripe, Take a bite,
And ask the neighbours if they taste alright.
(Mon 15th Aug 2005, 1:48, More)

» Weddings

Wedding antics
For some reason, I can't go to a wedding without getting absolutely bladdered (apart from my own where I was sober as a judge).

The worst time was that of a collague around 11 years ago. I volunteered to drive 3 girls from the office up to a hotel in Swindon where we were staying the night.
Got there and dumped stuff in rooms, then headed for the bar. Had some time to kill until the reception so had a couple of pints to get going. Established with the bar staff that they would stay open for us when we got back.

Went to reception at a nice Country Club. Our manager from work had taken lots of lovely snaps at the wedding and reception, but left her camera on the table. About 8 pints of Lowenbrau took care of any possibility that I could consider any consequences for my actions, so the camera was duly liberated and taken to the men's toilets where colleagues created various photographic masterpieces involving hairy arseholes and bollocks. The camera was returned to the table, but the manager later found out what had happened. Apparrently she refused to get the film developed, therefore sacrificing her whole record of the couple's happy day.

The antics didn't stop there. Went back to the hotel around midnight. Most headed for the bar where we carried on with pints and then hit the tequila. 3 or so blurry hours pass by, and there's just myself and one other colleague left in the bar. The only other person is a French barman who cleans tables, puts chairs up, hoovers around us, and polishes the bar before buggering off into the kitchen. My colleague who is also slurring and giggling like a bastard, decides that we need more tequila. Before I know it, he's jumped over the bar, grabbed the tequila, and thrown it to me. Cue the barman who returns to find one pissed bloke on the wrong side of the bar, and another pissed bloke on the right side of the bar clutching the aforementioned bottle.
He starts to throw a fit in French/English at which point we apologise profusely and scuttle off to our respective rooms, watched all the way by a scowling barman. We were that close to getting thrown out, but my colleague used his best slurred smarm to weasel his way out of it.
I woke up the next morning with the mother of all hangovers. I crept out to breakfast but couldn't touch a thing. Apparently I was green. Had to get one of the girls to drive my car home.

Didn't learn my lesson and still get plastered at weddings to this day.
(Sat 16th Jul 2005, 3:58, More)