» Unexpected Nudity

Lightning flash
Not too long ago – oh, perhaps just two years I think – I was waiting for a taxi with a ladyfriend. We’d been out, had many a drink and were now waiting in the 50-50-50 office on George Street in Hull. In the queue ahead of us are the archetypal chavs, all trussed up in their small-checked shirts, roundneck Rockport sweaters, jeans and clumpy trainers/kickers, being all sweary and having a fun time – damn them.

A passer-by, clearly just an innocent chap who’d had a few himself, sees the chavs a-smoking.

“Scuse me,” says he, “can I borrow a ciggie?”

The lead chav seizes his opportunity. “If you wanna smoke something, smoke this!” and the speed with which he wapped his cock out was amazing. An exciting sight – not the pork sword, but the grace and fluidity of his movements. (That’s one of those sentences that you can’t predict, but are all the happier for hearing I think.) One swift action, and there it is dangling away. To his credit, it’s a cold night but that doesn’t seem to be affecting him. I stare at the ladyfriend awkwardly. The chav is still there, not five feet away, with his cock hanging out of his jeans and his fingers keeping the lob in tight control.

He was eating a burger while doing it to boot. True dexterity, élan and speed of thought – enough to make this correspondent jealous.

Obligatory length joke.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 16:39, More)

» Sexual fetishes

New one today, maybe
Haven't really thought about it before, but reading this QOTW...

It's hot as hell to listen to people talk about their fantasies and fetishes.

Makes me think of when people have said them in real life...there's a real undercurrent of sly, guilty pleasure with a wry smile and a heaving sigh and a faraway look. And you think, 'I could do that for you! Let me do that for you!'

Phwoar.
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 17:36, More)

» Nightclubs

Jesus, I'm a numpty
I'm not a huge fan of nightclubs, seeing as how you have to rely on dancing and/or natural good looks to become popular, and I'm not blessed with either talent. But there are some times when they're unavoidable, and one such time was back at uni.

Sat in the union bar, I actually got approached by two lovely looking girls who asked me and my mate to take them somewhere good. Panicking, I thought of the local indie club, and so off we trot.

Once there, we have tequilas which is a problem because I sneeze at the salt bit (carefully missing my salty hand) but then when I return to it I suddenly have to sneeze again and do that great-lungful-of air thing to prepare, snorting and inhaling the damn salt in the process.

A few more drinks, and feeling a bit merry at this point, we're sat down and I cough. To my surprise/horror, I actually vomit on the table as I do this. I hadn't been feeling sick, nor did I actually vomit - I just coughed and up came a big pool of horrible clear liquid with foul-smelling black bits in it. Pretty sure it came from my lungs and not my stomach - there was no heave nor retch nor baulk afflicting my considerable guts. I panic I may be dying.

I then tried to walk one of the girls home, who had demonstrated readiness for such a thing by kissing me even after having seen me try to dance. We're walking along, me anticipating a good time, but unbeknownst to me at that point she's from another uni just visiting on some exchange thing. So she was staying at the local fucking PDSA.

Your jokes about vets, dogs etc welcome.

Sorry for the length. But as a first-timer, I feel I've drawn it out quite impressively.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 18:03, More)

» The Dark

Panic
My ex-girlfriend was one for screaming in her sleep. Shat me right up every time, especially when she cried out warnings like some demented soothsayer. Assualts, single yelps, death, protestation...all of these things woke me up with a start next to a sleeping lady, and it's hard to get back to sleep when your heart is racing.

"Don't hurt my mum!"
"No!"
"Leave me alone!"
etc ad nauseum.

I never once did anything to warrant this behaviour. 'Twasn't me, yr'onour.
(Tue 28th Jul 2009, 11:16, More)