» Vomit Pt2

Both ends burning
I remember having a really dodgy stomach at the age of ten, and waking up in bed with an overwhelming desire to vomit and defacate at the same time.

I rushed to the bathroom as fast as my little legs could carry me, hitched my pyjama bottoms down and squatted over the toilet.

Then to my horror, I realised that my urge to throw up was going to arrive sooner than my need to take a crap.

So frantically, I got up off the toilet, dropped to my knees and leaned over the bowl, puking violently - at the precise moment that the first torrent of vomit came gushing out of my mouth into the toilet bowl, a massive turd the size of a generous salami shot out of my anus with unprecedented force.

It was at that moment that my mother came out of her bedroom to see what all the noise was, only to find me kneeling on the bathroom floor groaning with my pyjama bottoms round the ankles and a freshly steaming shit on the hallway carpet.

I've had better days.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 14:45, More)

» Anonymous

Behind The Mask
Back in October 2005, I’d just split up with my then girlfriend and was feeling pretty low about myself.

So I did what any self-respecting male would do in my position – I bought myself a pair of Adidas tracksuit bottoms, a baggy black hooded top, a selection of fake plastic gold chains, a toy Uzi that sprayed water instead of bullets, and went to a Halloween gig in north London wearing a home-made 50 Cent mask.

Having eventually persuaded the door staff that I wasn’t a total psycho, I went inside the venue to find others dressed in Halloween attire, but to my surprise, no-one else dressed as a gangster rapper who survived a gun battle in which he sustained nine gunshot wounds.

I was getting rather a lot of strange yet not unfriendly looks, most notably from the band that was currently playing. The lead singer announced mid-set that they had a very special guest in the audience that they wanted to invite onstage with them to perform during their next song.

Before I knew what was happening, I was hauled onto the stage with the band, to a loud burst of applause. I don’t remember quite what I did next, it was all something of a blur, but I do remember busting a few moves of a highly dubious nature, which included dry humping the drum riser and inadvertently falling off the stage to cheers and laughter from the audience.

To my utter amazement, I spent the remainder of the evening chatting to some very friendly young ladies, who seemed inexplicably impressed by my earlier onstage buffoonery, and several telephone numbers were exchanged.

Although I didn’t think anything of it at the time, one of those casually exchanged telephone numbers resulted in a happy and loving relationship which is still going strong some four years and three months later, and we’ve been living together for the last couple of years.

So I guess it pays to be a complete idiot sometimes.
(Thu 14th Jan 2010, 17:58, More)

» Weddings Part II

Romantic Wedding Video
About ten years ago, I was best man for a French friend of mine in Marseille.

The bridesmaids were a mixed bunch, one of them being a district nurse with a big mouth and dubious morals.

During the ceremony, she was seen leading the groom's cousin by the hand, towards the toilets. Which helps to explain why the first post-wedding video footage shows said district nurse emerging from a toilet cubicle with the words "I've just had half a cock in my mouth".
(Mon 10th Nov 2014, 15:00, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Toking and Choking
Back in the primordial mists of time, when I was still a wacky and zany student, a disproportionately large part of my time was devoted not to the intellectual pursuit of study, but the significantly less noble aim of getting as stoned out of my gourd as humanly possible.

On one of many such mind-expanding excursions, a friend of mine inadvertently stumbled across some particularly lethal skunk, which had the unexpected side-effect of making every partaker of said lethal substance the unwitting recipient of uncontrollable manic laughter.

All it took was one of us to erupt in convulsions of hysterical giggling, and within seconds a room of eight post-adolescent cosmonauts were reduced to quivering mounds of hydroponic jelly.

I must confess, for the first five minutes, this was all rather spiffing good fun, until one of my similarly intoxicated pals started pointing at me and began exclaiming “Oh my god, look at him go, look at him go, he’s turning green!”

This rejoinder was soon taken up by every other member of the group. Whether or not I had quite literally turned green, to this day I know not, but nevertheless the power of auto-suggestion began to weave its insidious spell upon me, and I rapidly began to feel decidedly queasy.

My hysterical laughter rapidly began to degenerate into fits of coughing, choking and finally, retching.

This rapidly broke the spell of hysteria which had hitherto swathed the room. One by one, my friends ceased their manic laughter to watch the curious spectacle unfold.

Just as the first gobbet of vomit appeared through my pursed lips, miraculously, as if from nowhere, an empty cereal bowl appeared in the hand of my best friend’s girlfriend, the only occupant of the room who had prudently chosen to remain unstoned.

The group watched, rapt with attention, as I serenely proceeded to fill the cereal bowl with lumpy puke the colour and consistency of cold Ready Brek.

As if by magic, my spontaneous fit of regurgitation ceased just as the vomit began lapping the very upper rim of the bowl, filling it completely.

After a few seconds of complete silence which seemed like an eternity, the entire room burst into a round of warm applause, as I took a round of solemn bows, with clumps of soggy vomit clinging stubbornly to my Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo length goatee, to enthusiastic cheers of “Beard! Beard! Look at the beard!”

I’ve been clean shaven ever since.
(Wed 13th Jan 2010, 14:04, More)