» Bad Management

I once knew someone............
...who got paid fifteen quid a day for sticking mud onto potatoes.

It's true I tell you!

It was in Greece in the early 90s - we were picking oranges and one English guy who had been there for years said that he had been employed by a Greek farmer to do that very job. The theory was that it made the spuds heavier, so when the truckload was taken to the (Co-operative) processing plant where he got paid by the weight of the load the farmer would get paid more.

After three days of mind numbingly boring and pointless mud sticking, he pointed out to Spiro that he was being paid £15 a day to stick on (at best) a fiver's worth of mud.

Spiro sacked him for disagreeing with his masterplan....
(Thu 10th Jun 2010, 21:44, More)

» Gyms

I would, but.....
I used to work in a set of offices which had it's own small, on-site gym situated on the floor below my place of work. It charged 50p a session (a session being as long as you like).

But I didn't use it because it was a bit expensive and not right convenient......
(Tue 14th Jul 2009, 21:49, More)

» Lies that got out of control

Not the Colonel, but a chum of his when he was a cadet....
....had a lie backfire on him.

I shall not mention the chap's name but it began (and probably still does) with Dave and ends with Hancock.

At the age of about 19, DH went on a boozy weekend trip to Amsterdam. He got separated from his other compatriots and ended up in a dingy bar with a number of Dutch lads. In a slightly inebriated state, they all gelled instantly and more alcohol was drunk. At this point, one cloggy suddenly pointed at Dave and said (with a comedy Dutch accent) "Hey my frent, are you Nick Heyward, famuss singer of de cool pop bant 'Haircut 100????'

Please bear in mind that it was 1980.

Dave, being young, foolish & pissed modestly admitted that he was. Cue the whole bar buying him drinks, arranging young women to do indescribable things to his appendages etc etc. After a couple of hours someone lobbed a couple of guilder in the new fangled video jukebox and put 'Love plus one' on. As Nick Heyward was projected onto the wall at a frightening 600% full size, eyes swung from the young popular music combo singer to the drunken ex Grammar school teenager, and the number was up.

Luckily Dave wasn't so pissed that he couldn't outrun the cloggies, though he did have to make use of a canal to avoid having twenty of Holland's finest taking their frustrations out on his face.

Length? About 100kms according to Wikipedia.
(Thu 12th Aug 2010, 22:10, More)

» Good Advice

Advice form the greatest Yorkshire lass in the world.....
I am from Kent. My wife is from Yorkshire. When we first got together, conversation naturally got around to how close Yorkshire folk kept their brass...her answering statement was:

"Not spending more than you need to on things you have to buy leaves you with more money to spend on things you want to buy...."

Try it. I managed to afford to learn to fly by adhering to that advice....
(Sun 23rd May 2010, 21:33, More)

» Gambling

As bored Third Formers in B set German............
......we bet Alan 'Flapper' (so named on account of protruding ears) Green that he wouldn't consume the contents of half full box of Parker blue-black ink cartridges (for cartridge pens - remember them?). He nobly picked up the challenge; though mainly because the challenge was cached in the winning phraseology "Oi Flapper! You fuckin' nancy, if you don't drink these cartridges now, I bet we'll stick them one by one right up yer fuckin' arse, and then we'll kick the crap out of you every day till the end of term" (And this was at a Grammar School - the comprehensive boys could be quite rough in comparison, you know).

Flapper set to, sipping what was obviously some fairly nasty fluid from cartridge number one. Roy Shepherd, our Northern long haired language teacher came in and began the lesson, until he noticed Flapper - who was by now on about the third cartridge of calligraphic goodness. Having been filled in that it was all a jolly sporting adolescent wager, Roy saß sich hin und watched and encouraged as a rapidly paling Flapper slowly worked his way through the box, sip by sip. Strangely, though the inside of his mouth was a deep blue, his face appeared to be changing to a pale green.

Finally, he completed the task to a big cheer from the class and Roy, who then told him to go to the bogs and rinse his mouth out.

Apologies for the above not being very funny - but what was absolutely pisswetting hilarious was that on his way down the corridor Flapper projectile vomited vitually black vomit all up the white painted wall of the corridor. Six times.

The stains could still be seen when I left the school three years later.
(Tue 12th May 2009, 21:27, More)