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Profile for Mr Internet:
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[More] Wed 31 Dec

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» Lead Balloon

Awooga. What a rush.
Right. Yeah, I got my notes here just in case I completely forget what I'm fucking saying. So, how are we all? Are we all good? Excellent, excellent.

Right, like, I was sort of rehearsing earlier. It is an absolute fucking pleasure to be here in despite the fact that my heart is currently going nineteen to a dozen and I feel like I'm about to take my driving test. Which I failed three times in a row. However, I- the last time I maintain it wasn't my fault.

I like to maintain- thanks there- I like to maintain- God, that's fucking distracting.

I like to maintain that it wasn't actually my fault. It was actually the fact that the OAP stepped out in front of me. And the fact that driving examiner was actually y-

Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

I like to maintain that it wasn't my fault. It was in fact the fault of the driving examiner in that she didn't get there with the dual controls quick enough. That, and she was a frustrated Daily Mail reading bitch queen man-hating whore from hell. But, so it goes so.

So, I asked, I asked how you-we all were earlier. And, you know, you all obviously responded in the positive. But the answer that you never expect- which admittedly, I've never got- but you live in hope and you don't turn round and say "Actually Jim, I've just been bumraped by a tramp". Yes, I know that's gross-out humour but, any porn in a storm, right. And, especially tramps.

But anyway, and, uh, you know, If you're just asking someone how they are you don't expect their fucking life story. And if you get it, my resp-, my reaction is to go alright I'm going now bye bye.

Anyway

Let's put that back up straight.

Anyway.

So.

With sort of like with seeming in mind, urm, it is obviously festival season. Anyone going to any rock festivals soon? Leedsfest? Good luck.

Right.

Because, because, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard a story about a guy who sort of like, he's shall we say just a little bit different. He dresses up in a dry suit, this is from what I've heard, I don't know if it's true or not, dresses up in a dry suit with like full mask and snorkel and everything else. And goes and lurks in the long drops. And likes to play a little game with people. Yeah, you've heard this before haven't you. Oh well, so it goes. And, urm, you know he, he likes to, uh, like I say, play a little game. Don't spoil the punchline for me, please. Otherwise I'll be singling you out for a complaint later on. And, like I say, likes to lurk and he lurks in the long drops. Until you at the most vulnerable, your trousers around your ankles already feeling a little bit bleurrgh because of all of the various substances alcohol and the fact that, you know, your dung handles are you know pretty much brushing your shoes. And just at that moment apparently he likes to pop up and just go POP UP PIRATE you know like that.I'm gonna say if you've not had a shit before you certainly will after that.

That's just some of the silliness that we see on a daily basis. I mean, for example, once I was waiting at a train station taking part in the commonly known activity as waiting for trains. As you do. And I was there obviously watching the situation. There was my favourite member of the human species just for taking the piss out of: The Chav. He was standing there doing what chavs do - being fucking annoying cunt. But anyway. He was standing there with his can of Special Brew, cigarette, and mobile phone playing what can only be described as fucking noise.

Oi, Wh-where you going?

Alright.

Anyway, back to the story, so he said, doing what he's doing, and there's this little eight year old running around doing what eight year olds do - going, sort of going like "ooh, well, happy days, happy days", you know, I'm not going to run around and run up all my energy so that I won't be an annoying little gimp whatever. And of course his parents were there, I mean, who would leave an eight year old child on there own with a train station? But, come off it. Sorry. And urrrm, yes, so he they're all in their accepted roles. I'm there being the observer thinking "my God, you're being so annoying", and you know, the chav is just going murmrmrmumrmr ntz ntz ntz coming out the mobile playing. And this you know the eight year old is running around playing gets fixed up a gear in the headlights with this chav and this chav just turns round and says "what you looking at?", as chavs apparently like to do when they're sort of like glanced at for half a microsecond by anyone. And this little kid, quick as ever, hold on two seconds, quick as a flash turns around like that and says "I don't know, but it appears to be trying to communicate with me". And I swear to God I've never seen anyone go from angry to confused at the flip of a switch. And the parents just grabbed this kid - Woah! - You know, and, you know, just got out of the situation I'm just sat there silently pissing myself with laughter. Not at the moment, thank God. And, urm, I was there, you know, and you never stood a chance under the towering intellect of an eight year old.

Anyway, right, but, still good chavs.

Sometimes I like to take a look at my friend, thank you very much Robert Chorlton, and for driving, you know, so I don't have to deal with the bane of Britain's model train system or the wonders of some might say. You know, the inevitable delays, leaves on the line, the platitudes that come out of the speakers, like: "We are sorry to announce the train has been delayed, there is a sheep on the line currently being buggered by a Welshman". For all you Welsh people out there, it's kind of my trait to take the piss out of them. For I am British after all.

So we're driving around and we see this chav on a bike - will you please pay attention - so we're driving along and - behave - there we are. "I wanna run that chav over, I wanna run that chav over". I'm just there thinking "why would you do that? I don't want that on my conscience. It could be my bike".

Okay, I was thinking that could have gone a lot better than it did. But never mind, so yeah. But anyway, on a final note, I'm just gonna end with this sort of like little this sort of review of life. We all see some pretty stupid fucking things, not at least, anyone from Wakefield here by the way? Apart from myself. Excellent right. I'm guessing some of you here heard about that Romanian who decided to rape someone in Clerkgate Station so he could go to prison and learn English. What the fuck is he going to learn? "Somebody pass the soap"?

Thank you very much you people have been beautiful goodnight.
(Thu 22nd Aug 2013, 13:15, More)

» Stags and Hens

Fuck Yeah PEAROASSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT !!!!!
A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking weekend but the funniest bit was our last night.

On our final evening there we all headed for a nice pub I knew that was just on the edge of the Red Light District. While we were having a few beers, somebody took up a collection to get Johnny, the groom, a whore for his final night of freedom. Well we raised about a hundred quid and one of the lads, a known fanny-rat, scuttled off into the darkness to find the best-looking whore he could find. After about an hour he came back and announced he'd found a cracker and we then all tried to persuade the groom to go and do his duty.

Well Johnny was adamant. He was getting married the next week to the girl of his dreams and there was no way he was going with a lady of the night. And he didn't care that we'd already paid her.

"Hold on" said Paddy another of the mob. "You mean we've already paid?"

"Yup" says Fanny Rat. "She's waiting in a room just round the corner"

"Well" says Paddy "If we've already paid I suppose that I better go and shag her - it'd be a pity to waste the money"

So Paddy and Fanny Rat headed off into the night.

"Hold on" says Chris "I put in some of that money so I want to at least watch!"

And with that, we all looked at each other and trooped off after Paddy. We found Fanny Rat waiting outside a door to one of the prostitutes working rooms. Chris marches up and knocks on the door. BANG-BANG-BANG.

After few moments, the door opened and a slightly dishevelled, partially dressed girl opened the door.

"Yes?" she says.

"Hi" says Chris "You've got our mate in there and as we paid for you, we want to watch."

"Fuck off" says prostitute and slams the door in his face.

"So what do we do now?" says Chris "She won't let us watch!"

"Well we could give him immoral support" says someone at the back and with that a chant started by 20 pissed up blokes:

"Paddy! Paddy! Paddy!"

As we were shouting encouragement to Paddy, a bunch of about 40 Geordies turned up.

"What's going on?" says one of them

"Oh - our mates in there with a whore and we're just giving him some encouragement" I said.

"Marvellous!" says Geordie "We'll help you"

And with that the 40 Geordies joined the Manc contingent and this mighy roar split the skies.

"PAA-DDY - PAA-DDY - PAA-DDY"

After a few minutes of this enormous sound the door flew open and tart was stood in the doorway, stark naked and tits heaving.

"Can you keep the bloody noise down please" she yelled. "Paddy's trying to concentrate"

Cue 60 blokes collapsing in hysterics.

Cheers
(Thu 30th Jan 2014, 17:29, More)

» Utterly Drunk

Yeah well anyway


needless to say I was totes



legless





cheers
(Thu 21st Feb 2013, 13:15, More)

» Utterly Drunk

I was pissed when I knocked up some bird from work.
She wouldn't accept the five grand that I offered to have her abort the bloody thing. Bollocks. I was pissed when I stupidly agreed to marry her, and given her advanced pregnancy had to shotgun wedding her. I was pissed at that as well.
(Thu 14th Feb 2013, 14:10, More)

» The Wank Bank

I had sex with my mum once
even better, when I woke up she'd made me a nice cup of tea and left it by the bed
(Fri 24th Aug 2012, 13:24, More)
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