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» Vomit Pt2

Mexican Night
Rolling back to early noughties, myself and my newish girlfriend were invited around to dinner where the theme was Mexican. Fair do’s thought I, can’t go wrong with some enchiladas and a few bottles of corona. However, the hosts for this evening were the girlfriend’s parents and their two closest friends who wanted to meet me / size me up. I probably should have behaved.
All started off swimmingly, they laughed at my jokes, i smiled at theirs, we all got on well, like a house on fire...the food was great, and plentiful. I was in.
It was then time for the pudding course, and things started to take a surreal turn. Gf’s father returns from garage to inform us of the terrible news that we were out of beer, somehow the 6 of us had gone through two cases in about 3 hours... not bad going for a night out, perhaps a bit much for a cosy night in with the girlfriends parents... ho hum.
“Never mind”, says I, “I’ve probably had enough” trying to demonstrate to parents & their friends that I was the responsible sought, perfect for looking out for their firstborn.
“Nonsense” says Mother “i’ve bought this bottle of tequila especially....” hmmmm..... Suddenly there are shot glasses all round and we are pretending to know what we are doing with the whole tequila shots hoopla... – “One shot tequila, salt, and a lime wedge. Fill shot glass with tequila, grasp the lime between the thumb and index finger of your "off" hand, lick that little pudgy area between the two fingers holding the lime, sprinkle some salt on the aforementioned pudgy area, lick the salt, slam the shot down, and bite the lime. Nothing to it!” says girlfriends mum, who seems know far too much about this for my liking.
After the first shot, girlfriend, dad and friends wife bow out with the usual tequila response.
Then there were 3. 3 shots later there were 2. Suddenly, I am in a drinking competition doing tequila shots with my girlfriends mum. Is this a usual experience?? Not for me. To be fair, I don’t think I gave it much thought at the time.
A couple of shots later, thankfully, girlfriends father stepped in, pointed out that it was 1 am, and declared it a score draw. God bless him.
We started to tidy up and girlfriend suggested that we go and get some fresh air, so that we could, you know, get some fresh air!
So out we toddle into the night, feeling a little pissed, but no matter..... BIG MISTAKE... the fresh air sideswiped me like a truck, and all of a sudden I was all over the place, couldn’t walk on the pavement, kept wandering all over the shop, the wave a nausea going up and down, up and down, up and down.
I need to puke, then I’ll be ok – a quick clear out and all will be fine.... nope, nothing happening, just want to puke, need to puke, have to puke... and it needs to be now. I can’t puke at the parents house, having known them for only 6 weeks, I’ll be as popular as a reggae band at a Klu Klux Klan rally.
Girlfriend decides that i just need to sleep it off, if I can make it until everyone has gone to bed, I’ll be able nip to the bathroom, and no one will know. Walk into the kitchen and gf states to all and sundry that I “feel a little peaky” so am going to bed... smile sheepishly, bid goodnights and off I go.
I last 10 minutes.
That feeling you get, the tickling in the throat, the watery mouth.... I tried to concentrate on the walls, the floor, the tv, but none of them would stay still. Then I got the 10 second warning, when you know its too late, you’re past the point of no return... I legit for the bathroom, knocking a pint of water out of my girlfriends hand that she was bringing to me, as everyone was going to bed.
To my credit, I didn’t stop, and blew my load, straight down the middle of the bowl as I hurled and hurled and hurled some more. Enchiladas, chilli, corona and tequila sludge. It felt like it lasted hours, but was probably only minutes. And then silence. Ah the relief, I felt so much better. I also then got that 6th sense that I was not alone... “are you ok?” came a little voice as the girlfriend stuck our head around the door... she gave me a smile and came in to help me out. She then stuck her head around the door and informed the rest of them that i ‘was feeling a little better now....’
Yes, they had all been listening. Cock.
The response from girlfriend’s father and he went past...
“Welcome to the family....”
(Tue 12th Jan 2010, 17:50, More)

» Good Advice

try and have a wank when your wife is pretending to be asleep.....
(Thu 20th May 2010, 13:38, More)

» Best and worst TV ads

Carling Black Label...
has been mentioned a couple of times, but the stand out one that I remember has to be the Dambusters one... still remember it to this day..

(Thu 15th Apr 2010, 17:47, More)

» Presents

I've just had my works christmas present.
We can't afford to keep you, You're going to have to prepare for redundancy in the new year.... even though we are still recruiting.

Cheers Cockwads..
(Mon 30th Nov 2009, 17:19, More)