» Failed Projects

Burnt Duck Face
We once had one of those waterless hot water bottles stuffed with grain that can be microwaved. This, like most things in our flat was duck shaped due to a penchant for the animals that neither myself or my lady friend can fully understand; fuck it though, everyone should have a hobby.

Obviously due to the need for such an item I hardly need mention that it was cold at the time, nowhere more so than the kitchen so one night I simply threw Duck Face into the microwave and retreated to the bedroom where there was, if not any more carpet, at least a girly creature with body warmth. After three minutes my return was heralded with first a smell very unlike toasted grain and then a sight that would make a certain late Mr Hussain (dictator not prophet) cackle with glee. The plate had come from the bearing on the microwave and cooked his fluffy duck face right in the area where Arnies skin comes away in the first Termonator movie.

So, long story short I decide to build him a new face. Make him better. The fabric gets repaired with an anti-static TV cloth and I order several sophisticated resistors and LED's from Hong Kong.... In bulk of course as there is little point ordering one. I wait for a fortnight, receive the package then put it along with duck to one side yet to be touched.

In place of any actual ambition I have sworn to one day give that simple cloth duck full of grain a wider spectrum of "sight" than any human. Hopefully with the ability to change the neighbours TV channel across the courtyard.
(Thu 3rd Dec 2009, 14:46, More)

» Asking people out

Ook
Just over three years ago towards the end of a rather fun filled if not entirely healthy 8 months of consolation after a break-up I was advised by a colleague, if the letch could be called such, that the best way to find myself a lady-friend is the internet. A concept I was comfortable with… for I had seen several ladies on the internet.
He didn't really do much work and certainly had managed to collect an impressive number of photographs of women on his phone; most of these had forgotten the larger sum of their clothing. That is, he'd convinced me.
I looked through a list on what was once a popular networking site, even seeing a few that were vaguely familiar from others friend lists, finally settling on one.

Long story short, after much typing in which I was impressed that she could read my longer words AND lacked the beard I expected from the result of such internet liaisons, we agreed to meet. She even seemed keen that our first meeting be at a local hotel so I can only suppose my well crafted wooing was working well.

Getting off the train and seeing a little gothic looking creature with seemingly all the right bits in all the right places was a result. Less so was the inability to spend 10 minutes vetting what should be a 20 second sentence to make sure one comes across as one intended.

There are many subjects that can be covered without causing offence. These we covered, but unfortunately they are also not very interesting. I cannot remember how it came up, maybe a comparison on our relative heights, the sizes of buckles on both of our impressively metal-laden shoes or what, but the subject turned to weight...

Now whilst women like to be complimented on their lack of excess body fat, and most enjoy the witty banter of the verbose gentleman, it is important that one get them very drunk before telling them they have the BMI of an adolescent Chimpanzee.
Thankfully I had and received laughter or would presently live by myself.
(Tue 15th Dec 2009, 15:16, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

It's probably late enought to slip this one in here...
... without my girlfriend who reads b3ta seeing.

We had not long started going out and one of the pleasant side effects of this was that we were still exploring each others homelands and the pubs which we otherwise wouldn't have visited. It was my second visit so I had sort of discovered my way around, at least the two streets nearest Leamington station.

On the way to the last pub before I should really have been getting back we realise we have both run out of money.

"Don't worry" says I "That corner shop has a cash machine in. I was in earlier whilst waiting for you. It'll charge you, but better than walking up to the top of town"

Naturally still wanting to give the impression of courtesy I let her go first and wander off to look at the Haribo. Which is ridiculously priced. And the magazines, the only interesting ones of which would definitely have given the wrong impression to a new girlfriend. And the cakes, which will not go well with beer. And... This is taking some time thinks I, so I go to help seeing her face as a picture of concentration...

... trying to force a pound coin into the card slot and 25 pence still in hand.

Naturally courtesy dictated I put the card in for her and let the screen enlighten to as to her mistake rather than mock.
At least until we were out of the shop.
And for the next 15 minutes or so.
(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 10:29, More)