» Stupid Colleagues

Who let the bunnies out?
The receptionist had just been away for a romantic weekend in a log cabin in the New Forest with her boyfriend, but returned concerned and angered. "They were just running around everywhere, on the road and everything" she complained, oblivious to the howls of laughter around her. "You'd think people would take more care of their rabbits."
She couldn't get her head round the concept of wild rabbits once it was explained to her either. "How did they get there? What do they eat? Where do they go at night? IN A HOLE??? Shut up, don't be stupid, they would die."
I dread to think what would happen if she saw Watership Down, her head would probably explode.
(Sun 6th Mar 2011, 11:27, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

Actually Dave, actually
I once worked with a man called Dave, a nice enough bloke but for one really annoying habit. Constant use of the word actually.
One day I was talking to a girl at another office, and said I am going out, call me back, if I am not here just leave a message with Actually Dave.
Aw don't be mean she said, that's not nice, so I said seriously, next time you call and he picks up, say "is that Stopitnow?" and he will say "no, it's actually Dave", I guarantee it.
She tutted and called me a git, and I thought no more of it.
The next day, she phoned me.
"You bastard" she said.
What did I do now????
"I phoned you yesterday, and Dave answered, and I said, is that Stopitnow? You know what he said?"
No, go on...
"He said no, it's actually Dave, actually. I had to hang up, I couldn't stop laughing."

Actually, ten years on, I smile now as I actually think of it, but actually at the time I actually wanted to actually stab him repeatedly in the face with a screwdriver, actually.
*shudder*
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 10:34, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Speaking in tongues
I was chatting to a chap from the USA.
"so where you from?" he asked
"London" I replied
"ahhh bonjour" he said
(Tue 23rd Mar 2010, 11:00, More)

» Bodge Jobs

Full speed ahead, captain
I have a kit car, which means sunny summer sunday breakdowns are not so much commonplace as compulsory. One time, it was a snapped throttle cable, and I had popped out with next to no tools. Everything on the car is pretty basic and exposed, so I could straight away see it had snapped off right where it connected to the carbs. After some rummaging around, I managed to come up with an electrical block connector. Removing the plastic cover, I was able to use it to bridge the snapped cable without shortening it, effecting a temporary repair worthy of McGyver.

It was alright at first, on the slow roads, but when I got on the duel carriage way it all went horribly wrong. The bodge got hooked up in this hoop thing on the carb and jammed the throttle wide open and sent me screaming off down the road like a mad idiot.

Luckily, what with it being a duel carriage way and the car all made up of old technology, I just let it go until I found some space, put it in neutral, turned the engine off and coasted into a side road. I unhooked the cable, then sat for a minute while all the traffic I had just roared past at an indecent speed ambled by.

Then I crept home. I may have slunk a bit too.
(Thu 10th Mar 2011, 20:14, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Noshers Cortina
Nosher lost his front teeth on a previous job delivering beds, he had to catch the bed as the other guy rocked it off the truck, but instead he had given a pretty girl a Phroar, and turned back just in time to catch a double divan with his face.
But this isn't about that, it's about his Cortina.
He turned up one day with a car stereo and speakers, and set about fitting them into his car at lunchtime, using kettle flex for wire and a Stanley knife to mutilate the doors.
Except he placed the speakers in such a way as he could no longer open the front windows, he had to take the screw out the window winder so he could wind a little, remove it, replace it, wind a little...
"I weren't finking" he said in his defence.
Some time later, I had an accident at work and had to be taken to hospital by Nosher. On the way back, to my absolute horror, he came off the road, mounted the pavement and at the last second swerved to narrowly avoid hitting the policeman he was driving towards. The policeman bent down and, fully expecting to be nicked by proxy, I wound down the window (we weren't in the Cortina).
Nosher leant over with a big grin and said "orright dad!"

And indeed it was his dad. At least, he didn't deny it.
I would have.
(Tue 8th Mar 2011, 9:27, More)