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» Breasts

Barmaids Boobs
In my early years as a barman I was amarously connected with a buxom barmaid working in the same club as myself. The before mentioned object of my desire was well known for exposing said jubblies for all to see.

During one memorable break in the staff room, there was the shout of "Wendy's got her tits out again!". Everybody just tutted and raised their eyes to the ceiling, apart from the new boy, who had not heard about the habits of longer serving staff. Upon hearing the battle cry, 'new boy' decided that he had to see what all the fuss was about. With a cry of "phwoarrrr", he jumped out of his seat with gusto - promptly splitting his head open on a wall mounted light.

Three stitches and a concussion later, he finally saw the funny side.

Oh, how we chuckled.
(Sat 8th May 2010, 19:03, More)

» Prejudice

Not prejudiced - Justified
Students - For although they are supposed to be the cream of the crop they are possibly the most stupid people I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

For example, whilst working in a local nightclub on a student night we were running out of pint glasses. A member of the local university/college asked for a pint of my finest lager. I replied that "we had no pint glasses behind the bar, so would he like two halves instead?" To this he replied "no thanks, I'll have a pint of bitter instead". FUCKWIT!

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Gangstas - Wear a fucking belt you cock! When you can't walk properly because your trousers are falling down you officially look like a spastic. (Sorry spastics)

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Chavs - What the fuck do you look like in your burberry and your baseball caps. How the fuck you even managed to crawl out of the gene pool, never mind avoid natural selection I will never know.

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Hoodies - I used to live in Newquay and I wore a hoody constantly in the winter months and sometimes in the summer (believe me, it can still be cold down there in July!) I moved to Nottingham and fuck me, I actually felt embarrassed to wear a hoody. - WANKERS

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Peepl who type like dis - Dey need 2b smacked in da head wit a DICTIONARY. Twts!

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Anybody who says "Innit" - What the fuck did they teach you at school? It certainly wasn't English Language 'o' Level.

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Well, there you go. My short but not exaustive list of people who wind me up/piss me off/I want to kill.

Oh, and by the way. I'm perfect in every way!
(Fri 2nd Apr 2010, 18:54, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

She wasn't very happy, I can tell you...
After a night out on the pop with the second Mrs Roadieflip, we got home and was promised that i was gonna have a night to remember. Off tho the boudoir we went for some of that sweet lovin'...

All is going well as she disappears down south to play the pink trombone. Now, I must admit that she was an expert at this, so there were the obligatory noises and enjoyable squirming. She must have been going for a while, before she realised that I had gone quiet and still.

Yep, you guessed it. I had fallen asleep. That was her cue to smack me in the bollocks (apparently, I deserved it) and was told in no uncertain terms that tonight's 'session' was over and I would be sleeping on the sofa...

Length? I didn't get the chance to slip her another for a week after that...
(Thu 23rd Jun 2011, 19:49, More)

» Grandparents

I remember my grandmothers last words...
They were along the lines of

"What you doing in my house with a hammer?"
(Fri 3rd Jun 2011, 17:57, More)

» Expensive Weekends

Not my story, but an old Kiwi mate...
An old mate of mine, Gowie had been working in Newquay for a couple of years. He went home for a couple of months and on the return flight to New Zealand, he pocketed the apple from his in flight meal for a snack on the way home.

At customs, he was asked if he had anything to declare.

"Nope." says he.

"What about this apple, then?" Says the customs gestapo.

"It's from the in-flight meal." Says Gowie.

"That'll be 100 dollar fine then, thankyou" replies the officer.


Turns out, Gowie no longer likes apples!


Not quite an expensive weekend, but possibly the most expensive apple in history.

Length? Not quite. More of a round-ish shape!
(Thu 13th May 2010, 23:32, More)
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