» Irrational Hatred

"I have kids, therefore your argument is invalid."
Apologies if already bindun here, but if there's one thing guaranteed to make me want to murder someone, it's the good ol' "If you had kids, you'd understand!" defence, which all-too-often gets used to justify Every Little Thing, Ever.

"I'm tired today, I only got three hours' sleep---"
"NO YOU'RE NOT, IF YOU HAD KIDS, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND!"

"My boiler broke down again, and the washing machine has packed up---"
"OH, THAT'S NOTHING, IF YOU HAD KIDS THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND."

"My rectum has become inverted, I lost broke legs in a freak toaster accident and my wife has left me for a nipple-clamping expert who lives in Outer Mongolia---"
"REALLY? THAT'S NICE, BUT LITTLE TARQUIN LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH TODAY, SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND."

Alright, so maybe I DON'T understand, but perhaps I don't really WANT to, either...
(Fri 1st Apr 2011, 18:49, More)

» Vandalism

Best bit of graffiti that I ever saw...
...written in permanent marker on a small brick wall outside a dentist's surgery:

MICHAEL IS GAY WITH HIS MOM

B- for effort, methinks.
(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 20:39, More)

» Ouch!

If you're a roleplayer and know your dice...
The d4. It's a plastic caltrop. If you ever lose one around the house and want to find it, just walk around with bare feet until it inevitably leaps into your flesh from below.
(Sat 31st Jul 2010, 8:54, More)

» Prejudice

Pokemon - Down With The Kids, apparently.
First Story, in which I was the one at fault:

Walking home one day, I had to pass an unruly group of 'yoofs' in their hoodies and designer trainers gathered outside a shop in their obligatory try-and-cadge-a-fag-whilst-whistling-at-the-local-talent formation. I don't like large crowds at the best of times, but I really don't like having to pass groups like that as it makes me feel threatened. I kept my head down and avoided eye contact as I walked past them - only to have one of them cry out with unbridled joy at the sight of the Pokemon keyring hanging from my bag.

"Bulbasaur! He's WICKED, man!"

Shame on me for presuming that a bunch of hoodies would lack the necessary levels of geekery to recognise a Pokemon and willingly engage in a constructive conversation about them!

Second Story, in which People in Black Leather Want To Eat Your Sooooooul:

I have a long black leather trenchcoat which I like to wear a lot (especially handy in Britain, since it's cold an awful lot, don't you know old chap.) I was wending my merry way along the pavement wearing said coat when I passed a woman and her child standing together, and I heard the woman say to her child - with what I *hope* was only half-seriousness:

"Don't go near her, she'll EAT you!"

Hmmm. I don't mind children very much, but I couldn't manage a whole one.

...there, that's my b3ta posting-cherry popped. Wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, but I could certainly do with a lie-down now. Length? Longer than I thought.
(Tue 6th Apr 2010, 20:17, More)

» World of Random

Got home the other night...
...looked out of the window and a young man went past on a skateboard, playing a ukelele.

Also, when I was in Oregon, I saw a man on a unicycle, wearing a kilt, playing the bagpipes. Brilliant.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2011, 14:12, More)