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Profile for An Inflatable Bearded Whumpus:
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» Dodgy boozers

Clearly a great place to pull...
One time, me and my brother wandered into a pretty rough place somewhere in Hoxton, can't remember exactly where or what it was called. You know the sort of place, dirty floor, dirty bar, everyone just trying to get pissed as fast as possible etc. Like Wetherspoons but even mankier.

So, most pubs have a condom dispenser in the gents loos just on the off chance that you get lucky that evening and need protection at short notice. Not this establishment, oh no. Instead of dispensing condoms, the machines in the gents loos dispensed...

...pornographic DVDs. Seriously. I have never since been anywhere where the chances of pulling (or general quality of clientele to be pulled, if you will) was so low that you were better off just heading home for a wank. Pure class, right there.
(Fri 7th Feb 2014, 14:45, More)

» Random Acts of Kindness

Mmm, strawberries
Was once in a traffic jam, with one of those laybys that people sell roadside strawberries in ("freshly picked" and all that) up ahead. Some poor sod who had clearly just bought himself a punnet was stuck in said layby with no-one letting him out into the traffic. Being kind, we decided to let said poor chappie out.
So, he pulls out, and is naturally immediately stationary. With his car stopped we see the driver getting out, and wonder what the hell he's doing. He comes back to our car, taps on the window, and gives up a strawberry each in thanks for letting him out.

Made our day, that did.
(Fri 10th Feb 2012, 12:35, More)

» Heckles II

Taking it too far
Was watching a game of THE FOOTBALLS in which the opposition team was managed by one Iain Dowie. Now Mr. Dowie, bless him, is not exactly the prettiest guy* in football and so the crowd was giving him some stick. Fairly standard stuff, from the subtle "you ugly motherfucker" (to the tune of "you don't know what you're doing") to the more intellectual "he's an orc" (to "here we go") and "does Sauron know you're here" (to "does your mother know you're here"). Like I say, pretty standard stuff.

Amongst this high wittery one guy shouts out:
"Oi Dowie, you're more ugly than my ex-missus!"
Crowd chuckles appreciatively, ha ha, good one, ha ha ha.
"...and she was so ugly, I had to kill 'er!"
...ha h-, hang on what?

*Other uses of private browsing: not having an image search for Iain Dowie in one's browser history.
(Fri 20th Jun 2014, 10:49, More)

» Fears and Phobias

Certain flying insects
Wasps for starters, but I think that's fair enough given that they're absolute bastards, and I don't see this as much more illogical than spiders.

More strangely, daddy long legs* kind of freak me out. I think this is principally due to my older brother (fulfilling his brotherly duty of winding his younger brother up) telling me that they were mosquitoes, and this not getting spotted and corrected by my parents for several years. The daddy long legs is quite a big insect if you think it's going to drink your blood, especially as it's got a big fuckoff nose. (You know that fear of massive hypodermic needles? Yeah, that, but on an insect, and at night when you're not expecting it.) Even today having one come towards me causes a slight GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD instinct. Maybe the stupid way they wave their legs around doesn't help. Pointless bloody things.

Fucking brothers.

*To Australians and the like that may be confused, I mean this thing, not the daddy long legs spider. I'm okay with spiders (up to a certain size), strangely enough.
(Thu 11th Sep 2014, 17:49, More)

» Sacked II

Not me, a guy my dad knows
and also he wasn't actually sacked for this, just demoted, but it's close enough for the topic so fuck it.

So, at the time of this story this chap was a corporal who had been promoted six times. I'll just give you a moment to do the maths on that one. He was on a tour in Northern Ireland (when it was rather more uppity than it is nowadays) and was assigned to guard and generally look after some officer.
The very first morning he gets woken up at 5am to be told there's an urgent thing going on, so gets ready and goes to meet his officer, whereupon he discovers that the urgent event is that said officer likes to walk his terrier at half five in the morning. Summoning all his tact and diplomacy, our hero's opinion on this is:
"You got me up at five o'clock in the fucking morning just so you could walk your fucking mangy little mutt?"

And he was on the next plane back to the mainland.
(Thu 29th May 2014, 15:46, More)
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