» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Stoopid Magpie
I've always been superstitious over mapgpies, one for sorrow, two for joy etc and having to salute the lone miste magpie if i see him on my way to work, asking him how the wife and kids are.

Driving down our local duel carriage way a while ago, a lone magpie took off from the central reservation just in front of me. Damn, I thought, there goes my lucky day...

BLAM!

It flew straight into the windscreen of a passing lorry.
(Mon 7th Feb 2011, 22:58, More)

» Broken Promises

Not a Funny One For my First Post
So be warned..

My mum marrying my Dad because she was 3 months pregnant set us up for a good start. My family are Jehovah's Witnesses (except my Aunts and Uncles and me, we have our own minds) To show how happy a family life it was, my older sister admitted to Dad that our brother had been abusing her for years. My younger sister too admitted it had been happening to her. I stayed quiet when I realised what they got in return for coming forward - shunned for opening their mouths and weeks of Dad mourning the fact that something so shameful could happen in our family. No police involved, nothing, it was just never mentioned again. My older sis went on to develop a problem with drink and drugs which all stemmed back to this lack of support (funnily enough mum and dad were quick enough to shop her when they found herbs in her bedroom) and eventually had an accident after a night out on the hard stuff, killing her. Even as my Dad told us I could see the lack of sympathy on his face, as if to say "served her right". She had only just turned 18.

I moved out of home when I reached 18 and didn't want to be one of 'them' - after that Dad started treating me like I wasn't welcome in the home anymore - literally. He started locking the front door on me when I went out. Around the time of me getting the f*ck out of there Mum took me to one side and said "promise me if you ever get in trouble, come home. It doesn't matter what's happened, I promise your room will be here if you need it".

Fast forward 7 years, I've had nothing to do with them apart from the odd text, letter from my nan etc. Their choice, not mine. I've done well, working, got car. I'm working as live-in nanny to four children and the parents relationship is in tatters. One night he hits me in front of the kids so I pack a bag and go to a friends. Shit, I think, I need somewhere to live. My mum made that promise...I can go there just for a couple of weeks until I sort myself. So I phoned her, reminded her and said I really needed to take the offer. I'll have a word with your Dad, she says. "No" he says matter of factly, "I don't think it would be a good idea" - all stemming back to the fact that I'm not one of them. "Ok," I say, "I'll sort something" and hang up. And cry. I broke my heart crying for days. How can a mother do that, let someone else with a history of not giving a shit about others just leave her own daughter homeless? Genuinely homeless. She didn't even step in. My friend couldn't put me up for long so off to a shitty flatshare with a lad I didn't know it was for me until I got the f*ck out of there too.

End of the story (Jesus this is getting long), I'm now happily with my man, I'm 13 weeks gone (mum couldn't even bring herself to congratulate me despite two miscarriages) and she'll never meet her grandchild. Don't even ask whether my Dad will. I'm ashamed to admit were related.

Religion sucks and if you ever meet one of these people, run. Run away very fast. Especially if they have my surname.
(Tue 7th Dec 2010, 13:18, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

Car Door and Face
Outside a garage where I had just dropped a head gasket off for a friend to be skimmed, I opened my car door and didn't think to move my face out of the way. Result - a massive CRACK as the metal met the bridge of my nose with brute force I didn't know I had. I slid in the seat and drove away sheepishly and very slowly, as I couldn't see where I was going because my eyes were streaming and my nose made a hooooot noise whenever I breathed through it.

Only done it with doors in the house since when they bounce off my foot as I open them too fast and my nose/face isn't even that big.

*Edit - wasn't dropping off the gasket, was dropping off the block. Not that it matters but stops me looking so DUMB*
(Mon 31st Jan 2011, 13:20, More)

» Random Acts of Kindness

Random Wallet
I once returned a wallet I found outside a chippy with £40 inside it. I even phoned the police to report I'd found it. And the guy checked the money was still in it when I handed it back - it had his driving licence/address inside.

Why?

Because I had a date the next day with totally-hot-man and was terrified of karma robbing the £40 I had saved for our day out. Turned out he was shagging a girl I worked with so I may aswell saved myself the trouble and nicked the fecking money anyway.
(Sun 12th Feb 2012, 20:33, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Lady Like Behaviour
Cider and black. Explains it all really.

Fell backwards through a fire escape and had to be helped up because I like an upturned turtle stuck on it's back.

Had a massive go at a friend (who later added she was impressed with the long words I managed considering I was absolutely mangled drunk) while leaning on hand drier for support. Said friend was being encouraged by onlookers to just slap me and shut me up.

Fell asleep on toilet in club for approx hour and half.

Can't even smell the stuff now without wanting to heave....and this was TEN years ago.
(Mon 28th Mar 2011, 12:39, More)