» Messing with people's heads

A good friend of mine is Japanese.
When he was still in the earlier stages of speaking english we used to mess with him, only occasionally though. One day there were a couple of flies in the kitchen and when he asked, we told him they were called giraffes. Later that evening at the pub, the local shopkeeper told us about some japanese lad confusing the young girl that worked there by asking for giraffe spray, trying to explain that there were too many giraffes flying around the kitchen.
(Fri 13th Jan 2012, 22:39, More)

» Killed to DEATH

Not me, but
Video killed the radio star.
(Fri 23rd Dec 2011, 9:20, More)

» Biggest Sexual Regret

A few years ago,
I was was working in a club in Scotland. We closed early one night so i decided I'd pop over to the bar we all went to on sundays and have a wee pint. I was in there for about half an hour - sober - amongst a bar full of drunk people. That didn't last long though, quite a few of the local girls started buying me nasty little shots with nasty little names and things got blurry.

Anyhow, i noticed across the bar a tall blonde woman was wearing a hustler shirt. She made eye contact and when i said "nice shirt", she lifted it. A bit unexpected, but later I end up at her house drinking coffee and whisky while she talked on the phone to someone. After maybe twenty minutes she finished her conversation and we went outside for a smoke, got halfway through before the tongue-wrestling began, then up to her room.

She must have been early thirties, but had a stunning body. I got her clothes off and noticed she had very nice lady bits so I went down town for pizza. Thought i did a marvelous job, and when I couldn't hold back any longer I came up and mounted her.

She was asleep.

This is what I did:

Pulled out, got dressed and took her bottle of whiskey for the walk home.

This is what i should have done:

Stuck it in her arse, jizzed under her pillow and taken the whiskey home.
Fucking wish i had.

Turns out she had a boyfriend who approached me at work a week later, I denied everything, he was a cunt anyway. And it turns out quite a few of the local ladies fancied me, hence the free shots. I never had a clue. Now I'm on the other side of the world in a long term relationship with one of Hitler's offspring.


Sorry about the length not being used more deviously on that cunts girlfriend.
(Sat 10th Dec 2011, 1:17, More)

» First World Problems

Petrol - $2.21 per litre
Water - $3.80 per litre ???
I bet its cheaper in africa.
(Fri 2nd Mar 2012, 0:51, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

An old workmate back when I was roofing.
I worked with a bloke from Australia - oddly everyone called him Oz. Anyhow he was a complete and utter cock. Told the shittiest little jokes all the time and always changed the words to songs on the radio to something loosely related to drugs. I always fantasized about beating him up in front of his kids for some reason.

He ended up getting the sack because he would always try to use three or four pieces of scrap joined together to cover something and show how clever he is instead of using a perfectly good piece of material that had been ordered for the job and was sitting right fucking there.

One day i was replacing one of these aforementioned atrocities and he was waffling on about some shit -
Me; "I've got to hand it to you Oz"
He looked up with that little smile on his face, anticipating a compliment.
Him; "yes?"
Me; "you're a fucking dick"

The boss nearly fell off the roof, never seen him laugh so hard.
(Sun 27th Nov 2011, 22:20, More)