» Training courses, seminars and conferences

Deaf awareness course.
For some reason, I was sent on a day long deaf awareness course. The chap running the course was both completely deaf and very, very hot.I am very, very nervous around hot men and so started rambling about various crap at him, including how naff my Black Country accent is...

His translator kindly pointed out that as he had been born deaf he had never heard a Black Country accent. Or indeed any accent.

I burst in to flames.
(Sun 18th Mar 2012, 23:34, More)

» Getting Old

So many signs that I'm rapidly heading towards middle age.
Firstly, I do not understand the music and stylings of Jessie J what so ever. Sure, she is a pretty girl but what the flying sweaty arse biscuits is she wearing half the time? Her music sounds like seals mating against a backdrop of diorreah dropping in to a bucket - yet the young folk seem to love it.
Reality TV is utter drivel on the whole. I'd sooner watch strictly come dancing than x factor any day.
I frequently find myself saying "I wouldn't let a daughter of mine leave the house wearing that".
Sitting down is probably my favourite hobby and I'm appalled at the thought of going out past midnight. I resent clubs as I like to be able to sit down and have a nice conversation.
Men (and I'm really sorry about this one as I know it may offend) who have long hair in to their middle age now irritate the shit out of me.
Going shopping holds no pleasure anymore as I spend my time seething at the rudeness of others - space invaders in particular.
All my mates are now married and having kids.
Text speak makes me tut. The perculiar mock ghetto speak many teens appear to have adopted is excruciating to listen to. I also can't stand watching them pet each other in public.
I get angry about pretty much everything now as a 'tax payer'.
I want to beat to death anyone who plays music out loud on their mobile phones - especially on public transport. Littering, dog fouling and graffiti boils my piss. I enjoy watching the scum doing community payback in the park opposite where I live - gives me immense satisfaction.
I've taken up knitting as a means to relieve stress.
Every birthday I have now i just end up mumbling all day about being another year closer to the sweet release of death.

Just a few things that have made me feel old before my time. Oddly, I quite enjoy the bitterness and misery of it all and can't wait to be a rude old lady who gets away with saying what the hell I like. Honestly, I wouldnt be a teen again for all the tea in China.

Oh, and I now use old lady phrases like 'for all the tea in China''.


Edit: Just also realised that I'm now older than everyone on the sitcom Friends was. They seemed so old and sophisticated to me once.
(Thu 7th Jun 2012, 17:18, More)

» The Great Outdoors

I don't have a great outdoors story.
I'm in the firm belief that camping is for refugees and victims of natural disasters only.

So long as there is a hole in my foofoo, I will not reside in a tent.
(Thu 29th Mar 2012, 16:39, More)

» Getting Old

Men aging better than women.
It seems that a lot of men grow in to their looks and become truly sexy in their 40's. However, us girls hit 30 and start falling to bits. Aging just seems to bring on more places to shave and watching helplessly as your once lovely bosoms succumb to gravity at an alarming rate. Also, I'm increasingly mithered about my fertility and if by the time I find a nice man it will be too late. I'm 32 and with friends marrying and having kids left right and centre I'm properly freaking out about being left on the shelf.
Dreams of a lovely white wedding with a big frock are fading fast. Instead, I'll probably be one of those women who out of fear of dying alone get married to any old weirdo in my 60's, wearing a lemon two piece suit and court shoes. I'll probably have to have strangers as witnesses to the marriage as all my actual family will be dead by then. Of course, at that age we won't be having kids or be able to adopt. I'll probably end up collecting those hideous Edwardian dolls to compensate for being barren.
Some friends had a baby yesterday - I think it's playing on my mind a bit.
(Sat 9th Jun 2012, 17:25, More)

» Inflated Self-Importance

Female police officers of rank.
I have the misfortune of working for the police (for now, until the twunts make me redundant) and can honestly say that I have never met such a bunch of stuck up fisters in any other walk of life.
Don't get me wrong, there are some genuinely lovely people in the organisation whom I would trust my life with. However, there are a disproportionate number of egocentric sociopaths who, sadly, seem to be the ones that flourish in the back-stabbing culture of the ranking system.

Without a doubt, the worst ones are the ambitious women. I hate to betray my sex, but there is something deeply wrong with women of rank (Inspectors and above). Every single one that I have met in the last decade has been an absolute bitch from hell. Smiling assassins with a bizarre need to out-butch their male counterparts and get promoted at all costs. Women who take pride in saying things like 'I'm not here to make friends' and happily kick the weakest dog repeatedly to get what they want. The level of arrogance is impalpable in these career obsessed she-daemons. Seriously, bitches be crazy.

Each weekend, I pray for a lottery win so that I can buy a segway and ride around the station telling all the horrible shrews exactly what I think of them. I know I come across as a tad bitter, but some of these people have on occasion made my life unbearable in their quest to gain more pips and crowns. Although I don’t want to be made redundant, I cant say I’d miss much more than the income if I go.
(Mon 28th Jan 2013, 0:07, More)