Cambridge japesI go to Cambridge University. After exams each year, each college puts on a ball called the May Ball, confusingly not in May but anyway.
It's the social highlight of the year. Tickets cost £90 - £160 and for that you get twelve solid hours of free drinks (including unlimited champagne - feel free to throw a bottle at someone's head,) free food, and there's always some reasonably good student bands/stand-ups/soloists performing.
Anyway, because it's the end of the year and everyone's got something to celebrate, most people get very very drunk, especially seeing as it's all 'free' (in a sense) and besides I feel that special occasions make one drink more.
Our story starts with a man named Dave Rhien, he was known as Diamond Dave for some reason, I think because he dad sold cars for a living or somesuch. Anyway, his dad must have sold a lot of cars because his family lived in Cambridge as well, about a mile from our college, and the location of course of the May Ball.
As May proceeds, a terrible plan is forged in the cracks of Mount Droonk. Eventually the conspirators make the sign of the serpent and all is set. Dave goes to the ball, dressed up to a T and generally having a whale of a time. I think it was his second year so he was quite familiar with the format.
All his mates seemed to be trying to get him drunk. I didn't know Dave too well but anyway I remember him constantly having his drink topped up with whatever. His mates also never let him sit down. Sure enough, at 6am the ball is over and Dave is totally totalled. I am relatively sure I saw two of his mates carry him off in the direction of the car park, but it could have been a secondhand memory, I don't know.
His chums have found someone with a car, who drives him home quickly. His parents are in on the plan. They have gone through his bedroom and removed anything which refers to the last four or five years of his life. Then they went through his wardrobes and found his old school uniform. They laid it out on the chair next to his bed, and set the alarm for 7am. They also set the clock's 'real time' forward about six hours to give him a good bit of sleep. Lastly they took his dinner attire off and tucked him into bed.
Eight hours later Dave is wakes up. Maybe a little hung over but that is quickly forgotten. He realises the room, the bed, the alarm clock beeping at 7 are horribly familiar. He sees the school uniform. Confused to the point of insanity, he stumbles out his door. He bumps into his dad, who acts along marvellously. 'Oh, I've signed your school report, remember to take it in today.'
For thirty mindmelting, realityblowing seconds he awoke from a Matrix-like coma. All of the past five years - the sixth form college, the University, the people, the girls, were all just an incredible dream that must have taken place in only a few hours.
Then his dad cracked at the seams and burst out laughing in his face. Dave realises he's been had. The story has already been circulated around college and Dave enjoys the fruit of the world's focus for his last few days at college.He became known as The Incredible Time Travelling Dave, which is something of a factual error on the nicknamer's behalf, who misunderstood the hoax - it was nothing to do with time travel. (Time compression maybe?) And of course, like all good stories the exaggerations began. In one, his mates get him stoned as well as drunk. I've also heard versions where Dave is called Peter, Daniel etc, and also a version where he comes from a different college. It's flat out hilarious for me, because remember I was there on the day itself. Dave graduated last year, went to the May Ball again, and reportedly wore his old school tie!!!
(,
Fri 24 Oct 2003, 23:28,
archived)
It's the social highlight of the year. Tickets cost £90 - £160 and for that you get twelve solid hours of free drinks (including unlimited champagne - feel free to throw a bottle at someone's head,) free food, and there's always some reasonably good student bands/stand-ups/soloists performing.
Anyway, because it's the end of the year and everyone's got something to celebrate, most people get very very drunk, especially seeing as it's all 'free' (in a sense) and besides I feel that special occasions make one drink more.
Our story starts with a man named Dave Rhien, he was known as Diamond Dave for some reason, I think because he dad sold cars for a living or somesuch. Anyway, his dad must have sold a lot of cars because his family lived in Cambridge as well, about a mile from our college, and the location of course of the May Ball.
As May proceeds, a terrible plan is forged in the cracks of Mount Droonk. Eventually the conspirators make the sign of the serpent and all is set. Dave goes to the ball, dressed up to a T and generally having a whale of a time. I think it was his second year so he was quite familiar with the format.
All his mates seemed to be trying to get him drunk. I didn't know Dave too well but anyway I remember him constantly having his drink topped up with whatever. His mates also never let him sit down. Sure enough, at 6am the ball is over and Dave is totally totalled. I am relatively sure I saw two of his mates carry him off in the direction of the car park, but it could have been a secondhand memory, I don't know.
His chums have found someone with a car, who drives him home quickly. His parents are in on the plan. They have gone through his bedroom and removed anything which refers to the last four or five years of his life. Then they went through his wardrobes and found his old school uniform. They laid it out on the chair next to his bed, and set the alarm for 7am. They also set the clock's 'real time' forward about six hours to give him a good bit of sleep. Lastly they took his dinner attire off and tucked him into bed.
Eight hours later Dave is wakes up. Maybe a little hung over but that is quickly forgotten. He realises the room, the bed, the alarm clock beeping at 7 are horribly familiar. He sees the school uniform. Confused to the point of insanity, he stumbles out his door. He bumps into his dad, who acts along marvellously. 'Oh, I've signed your school report, remember to take it in today.'
For thirty mindmelting, realityblowing seconds he awoke from a Matrix-like coma. All of the past five years - the sixth form college, the University, the people, the girls, were all just an incredible dream that must have taken place in only a few hours.
Then his dad cracked at the seams and burst out laughing in his face. Dave realises he's been had. The story has already been circulated around college and Dave enjoys the fruit of the world's focus for his last few days at college.He became known as The Incredible Time Travelling Dave, which is something of a factual error on the nicknamer's behalf, who misunderstood the hoax - it was nothing to do with time travel. (Time compression maybe?) And of course, like all good stories the exaggerations began. In one, his mates get him stoned as well as drunk. I've also heard versions where Dave is called Peter, Daniel etc, and also a version where he comes from a different college. It's flat out hilarious for me, because remember I was there on the day itself. Dave graduated last year, went to the May Ball again, and reportedly wore his old school tie!!!
Whilst at Uni (of course)...At Lancaster University you have to buy printer credits in order to print anything out.
In the 24hr computer labs you must log-in in order to get access to your print-credits. Once you're logged in you get lots of choices for your printouts (ranging from the cheapo dot-matrix in the corner of the computer room (2p per sheet, Black and White only) right up to A3 colour (£1 per) which are sent to the library desk for personal collection.
Can you see where i'm heading with this? Surely you must be able to guess by now...
One very late night in the empty PC suite I noticed that someone who lived on my corridor had foolishly left their computer logged on.
In order to teach them an amusing and valuable lesson about PC security I went onto their computer and spent the next hour trying to find pictures of dog-fucking, gay orgies, midget porn, amputee sex, necrophilia, etc) and printed it to the library in A3 colour. The muppet had left about £20 worth of credit in the system so I had to spend ages finding enough smut worthy of printing. I then used up the last few pennies printing "Dear Dad, I'm a paedophile and I used to bugger my brother" to the local printer in 150 point letters.
Suffice it to say the library staff were not amused and neither were the University Vice-Chancellor, The College Dean, the Disciplinary Committee, the security officers or the Police Officer assigned to search his room and
all his belongings.
I thought it was hilarious though. And that's what counts
(,
Sat 25 Oct 2003, 0:31,
archived)
In the 24hr computer labs you must log-in in order to get access to your print-credits. Once you're logged in you get lots of choices for your printouts (ranging from the cheapo dot-matrix in the corner of the computer room (2p per sheet, Black and White only) right up to A3 colour (£1 per) which are sent to the library desk for personal collection.
Can you see where i'm heading with this? Surely you must be able to guess by now...
One very late night in the empty PC suite I noticed that someone who lived on my corridor had foolishly left their computer logged on.
In order to teach them an amusing and valuable lesson about PC security I went onto their computer and spent the next hour trying to find pictures of dog-fucking, gay orgies, midget porn, amputee sex, necrophilia, etc) and printed it to the library in A3 colour. The muppet had left about £20 worth of credit in the system so I had to spend ages finding enough smut worthy of printing. I then used up the last few pennies printing "Dear Dad, I'm a paedophile and I used to bugger my brother" to the local printer in 150 point letters.
Suffice it to say the library staff were not amused and neither were the University Vice-Chancellor, The College Dean, the Disciplinary Committee, the security officers or the Police Officer assigned to search his room and
all his belongings.
I thought it was hilarious though. And that's what counts