NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 117: "WHY GERMANS LOVE POO"
This Week:
* NUTTERS - Nottingham's Xylophone man speaks
* BEST OF - B3ta's Greatest Hits from 2003
* KLINGON WEDDING - We found the photos
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web ... together"
B3ta email 117 - 09 Jan 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue117/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Weebl, Best of B3ta, God IRC, Kittens, Drugs...
>> New Weebl & Bob <<
It's the New Year and everyone's fat,
especially Weebl's friend Bob. Fantastic
special effects in this episode and a great
payoff.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/diet.htm
>> Best of b3ta 2003 <<
We collected a few of our favorite things
launched in the newsletter over the last year.
Then we put them together into a nice little
web page for you to read. We are so good to
you. Would you like an extra cushion? Perhaps
a back rub? Happy finish?
http://www.b3ta.com/features/bestofb3ta2003/
>> God's internet chartroom <<
"We have recovered the original IRC logs of the
Bible!" spaketh PoofBird and Destrukto. "Written
in Hebrew and Greek and thoroughly encrypted,
we have not yet been able to decipher the complete
texts, but we are close!" W00t, the herald
angels sing.
http://www.ircbible.destrukto-theater.nl
>> Clay kittens II <<
The long-awaited follow-up to Richard Salter's
fantastic game, Clay Kittens I. Animal cruelty
isn't big or clever. But it is fun. Huzzah.
http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index2...
>> Your brain vs. the drugs <<
Krunk has made a chilling educational video
to show why you shouldn't take drugs.
Frankly, we're terrified. But that might be
because we've just run out of ketamine to
snort up our bum-chutes.
http://chrisrock1.bravehost.com/eggnpan.swf
>> Local nutter interviewed <<
"Xylophone Man is a bit of a legend in
Nottingham," writes Jared. "He can't play the
instrument, but he can play the crowd." Yay.
We want to see more of this kind of thing.
Go out and talk to your local weirdo. Unless,
of course, you are your local weirdo. Then
you're probably doing that anyway.
http://www.leftlion.co.uk/articles.cfm
>> Spiderman trailer remix <<
Behold: a thing of strange and hairy wonder.
Pippy has enhanced the current Spiderman
trailer, airbrushing Tobey Maguire from
history and inserting the hirsute, yet
sensitive, features of Chump Manbear.
http://www.technocellar.com/pip/spiderchump.mov
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: B3TA RADIO
Have you ever broken the law?
This week we're asking for stories about
run-ins with the police.
http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingthelaw/
We've also invited comedian Anneka Svenska
into the studio for a chat.
http://www.annekasvenska.com/annekasvenska/main.ht...
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: GERMAN TOILET UPDATE
Shit-catching-shelf explained.
Last newsletter we asked our German readers
why they use such unusual toilets?
We've had several alternate reasons sent in:
* To check for tapeworm infection.
* To stop water splashing up your bum / fanny.
* Germans have such a low fibre diet, so they
catch the turds for reassurance that something
has actually come out.
* As everyone lives in apartment blocks, it's a
noise reduction thing, deadening the sound of
indiscrete plops.
* So they can look for symptoms of colon cancer
such as discolouration caused by blood.
All sounds rather reasonable to us. We say
sehr gut for krappensittens Deutschland.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Jacko face mong <<
Think you could do a better job arranging
Jackson's face than the plastic surgeons, or
even Big Todd in the Alabama jail he's probably
going to end up in? Now's your chance. Simple
but joyful. Much like pre-teen bum fun.
http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm
>> Flying aeroplane thingie <<
The Red Arrows eh? Weren't they great? All
that whooshing was flipping tops. Relive the
fun without the wet weather and occasional
mass fatality.
http://www.ertdfgcvb.ch/p1/fly_2_loader.html
>> Casio watch chic <<
Geeks! Bored of your iPods and wi-fi tentacle
rape? The cool kids are wearing cash-in merchandise
from 70s TV shows. Frankly, this collection
of tat gives us sexual pangs we haven't felt
since Janet Ellis presented Blue Peter.
http://mysite.freeserve.com/70s_watches/a_m/a_m1.h...
>> It's like drawing... on acid <<
This bloke took some LSD and attempted to
pencil a drawing every hour or so. "Upon
completing the drawing the patient starts
laughing, then becomes startled by something
on the floor." Great stuff. Readers: Take
drugs and document yourself attempting
simple tasks. We command you.
http://www.cowboybooks.com.au/html/acidtrip1.html
>> Robot arm game <<
Ever felt your life was like being a robot
crane condemned to spend an eternity picking
up springs in increasingly difficult places?
No? Then see how the other half live. It's
fucking great. They live like pigs in shit.
http://www.tonypa.pri.ee/robootik_e.html
>> Mini helicopter <<
There's two types of men on this planet. Those
who like big things and those who like small
things. This guy likes small things. Building
tiny helicopters to be exact. The best bit?
They actually fly. Oh and the craply dramatic
music as he flies his creation around his
living room like a tiny Airwolf.
http://pixelito.reference.be/
>> Edible case mod <<
Picture this: a computer case made entirely
of gingerbread. What could be nicer for the
kids? It's obviously owned by a witch.
Sinister, but delicious.
http://www.mini-itx.com/projects/gingerbreadvillag...
>> Cats in blenders <<
For the last 15 years credulous nincompoops
have been passing around pictures of kittens
in jars going, "stop this cruel filth."
Today they have a new enemy: cat milkshakes.
http://images.cavakillaz.com/PTK1.htm
>> Best Video Ever <<
Imagine pitching this: A beautiful giantess
lady writhing on the floor in her unmentionables
while sky-diving babies fall from the heavens to
be enveloped in her enormous lady chest. This is
how video directors spend their days and we want in.
http://snipurl.com/3qms
>> Klingon wedding <<
Last newsletter we showed you a Klingon wedding
in Las Vegas and asked if you could get us more
pics. You did. You rock. And this wedding rocks
like that creature Spock mind-melded with in
episode 6, original series.
http://www2.b3ta.com/mirror/klingonwedding/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Christmas Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last time we wanted your take on Christmas cards:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmascards/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Techie Blob' to judge
the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Techie Blob writes -
#1 "Yay for Christmas - It's cruel and sadistic
but funny.. (Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/2530493
#2 "Untitled - Funny and so, so true.. (parm)
http://b3ta.com/board/2521175
#3 "Forgive me, but I've not yet got into the
Christmas spirit - The pun is strong in this
one. Very very funny. That is all.."
('tin'tintin)
http://b3ta.com/board/2521696
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator gave us
the suggestion, "Come-back TV"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comebacktv/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups to previous stories.
* NAKED MPs REACHES THE PAPERS - front page
and the centre colour pages in the Sunday
Sport, and the subject of a "who the hell
did this?" phone-in on BBC Radio 2. Well
done Sick Boy. If b3ta gave knighthoods
you'd have two.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/2528047
* CRAP NOKIA AUCTION - Last year Nik Roope
gave us his version of a hands free
mobile, and now's your chance to own
the original model. Place your bids
on eBay.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
* NAKED MP SWISS TRIBUTE - "Swiss politics
may be pretty strange and far away," writes
Jan, "but just to show how b3ta gets into
everything, including Swiss politics of all
things, here is the link." Fucking hell.
Some of these pics are rough.
http://www.web-laun.ch/laclassepolitique2004/overv...
* KIDDY FLASH THANK-YOU - "Just a quick note to
thank you for listing my students' flash
animations on your site," scribes Mr. Manzo of
the Notre Dame Catholic High School, "I showed
them and they were ecstatic." Champion.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A reader to have a sex change and document
it in a blog.
* Otters with trotters.
* Someone to invent a new cheese.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by numseland, ~Nudger, rhcpaul,
the bonzo dog, popbitch, kemptcomms
and Katie (for the Klingons)
Toilet trade: Stuart Judd, Quinten Snijders,
Roger, Bustab, Pewit, John Paul Wilkinson,
Danny Kendall, mysticmurray, adam, Tom Miles,
Paul Ulm, San, Luke & Brice Nick.
Top Tippery by Chris, the invisible mute.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the warm b4ta leatherettes. (72866)
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TOP TIP:
When drinking a can on the move, don't open it
fully, instead just break the seal and suck the
drink out. This way, it stops you from spilling
it everywhere whilst walking, driving,
bouncing on a trampoline etc.
