NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 133: "AN AFTERNOON OF YOUR LIFE YOU WON'T GET BACK"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Man gets waxed
* WEEBL - Shoots ginger bloke with laser
* B3TA RADIO - Bukkake special
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 133 - 30 Apr 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue133/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Man wax, Lasers, Dots, Moon Nymphs & Cannibals
>> Man waxing <<
Ross B and his friends enjoy pain. That must be the
only explanation for them wanting all of their
body hair removed on camera. Edited to the lovely
music of Richard Strauss it kind of reminds us of
the aversion therapy bit in Clockwork Orange. Now
we vomit every time we see chest hair.
http://www.rossb.co.uk/wax/
>> Weebl Laser fan club <<
Last week's Weebl and Bob superhero cartoon
was so good that this week it has its own fan
club. It's a particularly good episode, as it
prominently features b3ta's ginger overlord
Rob Manuel.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tle%20club.htm
>> The dot game <<
You think you're pretty clever. You reckon you
can handle pressure. But Shaun Russell is out to
prove you a feeble-minded fool, with a simple
game where the objective is just to click on
the black dots with your mouse. Can you manage that?
http://beatstelevision.com/dotgame/
>> Blue moon nymphs of pure sex <<
"Isaac Newton and Samuel Pepys", exclaims
Jason Kovacs, "were the genesis of all the
scientific knowledge that we take for granted
today. So you owe it to them to discover how
they visited the moon in 1679 in my flash
animation." Hooray - we know stuff all about
science but we like the blue moon nymphs.
We want to ptui up on their moon tits.
http://www.bluegeckolounge.com/jazzyjay/tothemoon....
>> Cannibal chase game <<
"Have you ever wanted to experience the thrill
of being chased by cannibals?" booms Toby. "NOW
AT LAST YOU CAN!!" They are quite small cannibals,
but they ululate in a pleasing fashion as they
chase you through a little tree maze.
http://www.netcartoon.net/cannibals/cannibals.php
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: THE HUMAN ZOO
Man has sex with car
We got this image in our inbox last night -
no explanation - no warning - and we didn't
stop laughing for five minutes.
Warning. Not safe for work. Unless you're a
Tory MP.
http://www2.b3ta.com/images/tailpipe.jpg
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: B3TA RADIO
Your best put-downs & Bukkake
Each week we do a cheeky hour of Radio on
London station ResonanceFM.
This week we're talking about the come-backs
you're proudest of.
Best stories include:
* "A friend of mine had an argument with his
Dad. He called him an 'old bastard'. His Dad
replied with, "I would have sexually abused
you as a child if you weren’t so fucking
ugly.' (chuffster)
* "Was out with a woman friend once when
this happened. Random bloke, 'Ere, love,
sit on me face.' Her, 'Why, is your nose
bigger than your penis?' (isthisyou)
* "I was seven, running around the garden,
with a pointy stick. Suddenly my mum starts
shouting from the kitchen, 'You'll have
your eye out. What are you going to do
then?' I replied 'I'll become a pirate mum!',
and continued running around. (tef)
Read all the stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestcomebacks/
>> Bukkake music guest <<
We've also invited DogHorse - the singer
songwriter genius of the "I Like Bukkake"
track we featured the other week - into
the studio to serenade us with his lovely
voice. Watch the video again:
http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/
Catch b3ta radio at 4pm BST today, Friday
the 30th of April on 104.4FM in London, or
via the live streaming web link:
http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Chipmunks gone bad <<
In the late eighties, Alvin and the Chipmunks
were the cartoon animal band that had it all.
This stylish animation returns to the group
some 15 years on and the dream has very much
gone sour.
http://www.yorku.ca/casa/images/chipmunks.html
>> South Park out-take <<
This is Trey Parker's version of an old joke
called 'The Aristocrats'. Basically, the start
of the joke and the end remain the same. What
changes is the middle, where each comedian who
tells the joke tries to cram in as much disgusting,
filthy and shocking material as (s)he can think
of. Apparently, the joke stems from older US
comedians trying to mess with new fresh talent
by telling this joke just before they went on
stage - and it's now a comedy circuit in-joke.
The joke itself isn't funny, but it's not meant
to be, it's just meant to be so over-the-top
shocking that you don't realise that the
punchline is rubbish. "If you tell this joke,
then the joke's on you" kind of thing.
Anyhow, enough of this background bollocks, watch
Cartman do his worst.
http://van.envyfinancial.com/southparkjoke.wmv
>> Naked men on the march <<
Heap of Trouble is a short film about
naked men singing and parading through
a Cardiff housing estate, recruiting other
men to join them. The song is extraordinarily
catchy and we're sure to be humming it
ourselves. Possibly while parading naked through
London housing estates, recruiting other men
to join us.
http://www.pureesoiree.be/Post/
>> Human pyramid photography <<
Jeff Linderoth has solved the problem of
dull family photos. Give everybody something
to do and you avoid the awkwardness of posed
photography. What could be more relaxed and
natural than forming a human pyramid? The
weird thing? We're not actually joking. Look:
http://www-unix.mcs.anl.gov/~linderot/fun/humanp.h...
>> Best animated gif in the world <<
WOWOWOWOWO!!!!!1111 Cat lady dance. Dance
cat lady dance. Once you've looked at this,
eat your eyes. You'll have no use for them
anymore.
http://monpa.golfcross.com/dwc/world.html
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: BEST XML FILE EVER
Not a feature we'll be running very often
The lovely people at Impulse deodorant seem to
have collected a list of their favourite
swearwords and hidden it away on their website.
It's quite a comprehensive guide and we
recommend any ambitious young swearers out
there study it thoroughly. For posterity,
here's the full list in all its glory. Deep
breathe now:
shit, shite, fuck, fucker, fart, fanny,
pussy, bosums, breasts, cunt, stab, kill,
murder, cnut, twat, arse, tit, prick, cock,
willy, bum, butt, spunk, bite, nipple,
bloody, bastard, virgin, wank, shag, nob,
cum, vagina, jism, gizz, muff, penis, plums,
beaver, minge, anus, whore, spunk, gonads,
bollocks, clit, bitch, slag, slut, felch,
dick, penis, poo, wee, crap, piss, minger,
munter, pubic, pubes, crabs, genital, wart,
herpes, doggy, blowjob, suck, cunnilingus,
fellatio, wanker, gaylord, pimp, felcher,
fudgepacker, anal, gash, japseye, slut,
slapper, bitch, burp, hole, smegma, labia,
sphincter, hooker, prostitute, homo, pimp,
gay, dyke, laid, quim, discharge, cum, gimp,
filthy, shitter, bone, pump, rump, Swinger,
Virginity, Lick, Missionary, 69, Fock,
horny, moist, fcuk, lesbian, lezzer, lezza,
vash, orgasm, Rim, Sack, Flaps, Starfish,
Tripod, Scrotum, Lettuce, Finger, Bugger,
Rape, balls, Donkey, snatch, mott.
gary glitter, ball bag, axe wound,
Give me one, I had him, I've had him,
I had her, I've had her, I'd do him,
I'd do her, I'd do you, Swing both ways,
Bats for the other side, I like it dirty,
Gang bang, Wanna do it?, I'm no virgin,
I've done it, Wanna be my first?, I'm wet,
Make me wet, At it, From behind, Bend over,
Trouser snake, Tea bag,
verticle bacon sandwich, bum bandit,
marmite driller, vagina decliner, main vein,
golden shower, gang bang, john thomas,
bell end, sausage jockey, dirty sanchez,
spit roast, chutney ferret, hairy pie,
blow job, pork sword.
See for yourself:
http://www.impulsegoddess.co.uk/obscenities_list.x...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby kittens
Oh it's a cliché but it's still true - there
is nothing in life cuter than a baby kitten.
This one is cute almost to the point of being
horribly ugly. Like drowning in pony brains.
http://smith.dailyjolt.com/pictures/picture.html
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Commies Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to see what would have
happened if the commies had won the cold war:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifthecommieshadwon/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Dr Phil Kitten' to judge
the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Dr Phil writes -
#1 "Dissident Eraser - First entry, first class,
first place. Absolutely brill. (Biriani)
http://b3ta.com/board/3085131
#2 "Greetings From Kabul - A number of
excellent entries from Mr d'Or, this one I
picked at least partly 'cos it wasn't about
Russia! (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/3086238
#3 "Who wants to be... - Uncanny. Looks like he
captured Chris Tarrant and locked him up for
years 'till the beard grew." (Duphrates)
http://b3ta.com/board/3103508
"For no other reason than to prove I made it
through 45 pages of entries, here's the
now-traditional runner up: Monopoly by
MentalPetey."
http://b3ta.com/board/3112816
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor DarrynR gave us
the suggestion, "Photoshop Kenny Loggins"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kennyloggins/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* Smearing our shitty cock on your tits - we
had a few complaints about the title of last
weeks newsletter, so this week we've packed
the main body of the newsletter with an equal,
if not higher, density of filth and obscenity.
Thanks again Impulse.
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: APOLOGIRS
We nobbed it up
Last week we were too excited by the prospect
of finally losing our virginity to properly
check the newsletter.
First off the bloke in tights link is here.
Have a look - it's still great:
http://www.tights69.de/fantasyg_engl.htm
Oh and we accidentally linked to a scam site
flogging some crappy software as it had
a similar name to the site we intended
to link to. Anyways - if you're looking
for bit torrent telly downloads then
try suprnova.org
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* OMELETTE OR VOMLETTE - Cook eight omelettes
laced with rancid pork. Photograph the foods.
Feed them to eight friends. Photograph the
ensuing chundering and turn it into a
woosome quiz. Tune? The Divinyls'
I Touch Myself makes us inexplicably grin.
* MAN-COCK OR HORSE-COCK. This could be a nice
day out. Visit a horse sanctuary and a gay
sauna and bring your camera. Make a quiz
etc etc. The tune obviously should be
"I love horses."
* HAMBURGER OR NANBURGER - an either/or quiz
designed to test your abilities at telling
the difference between granny flaps and
McDonald’s finest beefs. All to the tune
of The Beatles "When I'm 64". Maybe a couple
of kittens at the top of the page to soften
the tone. Er.. actually don't make this.
We wouldn't link to it.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by James Nugent, GigerVamp, Djol
(great southpark write-up), StrangeQuark,
Dan Mozgai, frothvixen, tricky_soul and
Alexandra Balcazar.
Top Tippery by 8-Ball.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the zx b4ta spectrums. (74607)
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TOP TIP:
To clean a Thermos flask out, use the fizzy
tablets that old people use on their false
teeth.