NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 146: "DOGS IN PANTS"
This Week:
* PICS - B3ta zoo
* VID - When Kilroy attacks
* ANIM - Kung-fu Weebl
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Inadvertently making
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| wanking material for
furries since 2002"
B3ta email 146 - 06 Aug 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue146/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Animal mash-ups, Kilroy, Tube Party
>> B3ta Zoo <<
Long term readers know that our boarders like
nothing better than making new animals. Inwits
has been collecting these creations and giving
them a place to live. There's some entertaining
browsing to be had here.
http://b3tazoo.dyndns.org/b3ta/zoo/
>> Mocking Robert Kilroy-Silk <<
Ok, for our international readers here's some
background: Grannies' favourite Kilroy used to
present a daytime television confessional talk
show. After being booted off the BBC following
controversial remarks about Arabs, he's now
promoting himself as a right-wing politician.
This is where Mystery Bob comes in with his
"bit of mischief." Simply by adding a few scenes
from a DVD to an opportunistic URL, Bob makes
his point very clear.
http://www.ukindependence.org/
>> Circle Line party <<
"The lovely Spacehijackers are having another
Circle Line Party this Friday, the 6th of Aug,"
writes rock_a_my_soul, "Last year's one got a
mention on B3ta which helped make it a huge and
fantastical event. Please come." So if you're
knocking about London and fancy meeting some
random people - give it a shot.
http://spacehijackers.co.uk/clp3/
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: THREE FACTS ABOUT PHONES
To bore your mates with down the pub
* When French telephone companies introduced
itemised billing, it revealed so much marital
infidelity that male customers won a legal
appeal to replace the last four numbers on a
bill with asterisks.
* The first car-phone was invented by Mr.
Ericsson, who put a big metal pole on top
of his car, so he could make calls by
driving into telephone wires.
* The origin of the word 'taxing' to mean
thieving came from the chavs. If a povvo
steals a yuppie's mobile phone, then that
is a tax on the rich. D'ye see?
These facts craftily cribbed from "A Brief
History of the Mobile Phone", which we read
while sheltering in Waterstone's from that
big, scary storm on Tuesday.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184046419...
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: CRAP JINGLES
Named and shamed
On entering some web-pages a small audio sting
is played - presumably because the site creators
have confused web design with making TV adverts.
However, as visitors to the famous "I Love
Horses" site know - there is a certain joy
in crappy web jingles.
Our current favourite is for Meat Shakes - yep
that's right: Drinks made of meat.
http://www.meatshake.com/mobile.html
BTW: We'd like to run this as a regular spot
so if you've heard a crappy jingle recently
then get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Porn - for the blind <<
"It's porn for the blind," intones Zog,
"Yes, it's porn. No, it's not safe for work.
Make sure you rollover with your mouse."
It's the deadpan delivery of an old gag
that's making us grin here.
http://slackcrew.com/Blood_PuP/docs/blind_porn.htm...
>> Rape. Birth. Work. Death. <<
When we're not giggling at penguins slipping
on ice we'll settle for a bit of misanthropy
and nihilism. Frankly, if we weren't so old
and cranky we'd be cutting 4-real into our
arm with razor blades after watching this
dark little pop video. Shame the song sucks,
but you won't notice as the story is
so compelling.
http://koti.mbnet.fi/reagan/lodger/ilove.html
>> Upside-down map <<
Australian Stuart McArthur drew his first upside-
down map in 1970. Why? Well, why should Europe be
at the top anyway? His teacher told him to re-do
his assignment if he wanted to pass. 40 odd years
later and he's sold 350,000 copies of the buggers.
http://www.flourish.org/upsidedownmap/
>> Cat yoga <<
Yoga is so last century. The cool kids now
exercise by locking themselves in toilets
and tantric foot-wanking. But there's still
those flying the flag for yoga - and trying
to seduce the fad-hungry populace back to
the old school. Now with cats.
http://www.yogakitty.com/yogavideos.html
>> Japanese fag warnings <<
Smoking is great. It's a natural contraceptive:
it lowers your fertility and makes people
less likely to kiss you. Thank the fantastical
Japanese for this strangely abstract guide to
smoking etiquette.
http://www.jti.co.jp/JTI/manner_kokoku/kizuki/inde...
>> Other people's photos <<
There's a new game on the web: using your P2P
package to find personal photos accidentally
shared by users and er.. showing the world.
There's some mind-boggling stuff here for
everyone - casual B3ta readers will enjoy
the arbitrary and often humorous voyeurism,
the hardcore will find much inspiration
for photoshopping.
http://www.10eastern.com/foundphotos.html
>> Goatse cover-shot <<
"I saw this magazine at the local organic
food shop," rasps giant_squid, "and it reminded
me of goatse. What do you think?" Hmm. We think
it's too close to be an accident. Although,
disconcertingly, the angle of the hands means
any viewer is actually standing quite some
distance up goatse man's bum-hole. Gah.
http://www.theecologist.org/
>> Kiss dog-farts goodbye <<
Rocky the B3ta cat has a horrid stinky anus,
causing much debate whether we should fit
him with pants. Weighing it up, we decided
no, on the basis he'd just crap in them and
walk about with half a turd trailing in his
anal wake. Imagine our surprise when we found
that there's a company prepared to sell a
product not dissimilar to our conversational
whimsy. Er... but it's for dogs and it also
deodorises flatulence.
http://www.flat-d.com/thong.html
>> Yokohama demolition song <<
Nice little story about a tiny Japanese
demolition company. They made a catchy corporate
jingle to promote their business. It became
more popular than they could ever have
anticipated and they had to release it as a
single to meet the frenzied demand from
punk teenagers. Yay.
http://www.japantimes.com/cgi-bin/getarticle.pl5
>> Ginger Sunday at London Zoo <<
Being a ginger is a blessing and a curse:
people remember you, but standing out in a
crowd makes a life of petty crime tricky
without a wig. Celebrate gingerness, and
the birth of ginger monkeys with this
two-for-one offer on visiting London Zoo.
http://www.gingersunday.co.uk/
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: GOOD AND BAD
Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad
>> GOOD: Jokes back on ice lolly sticks <<
Hooray. That's writing the newsletter sorted
for next couple of years.
>> BAD: Daleks back in Doctor Who <<
There hasn't been a good Dalek story since
the 1960s. Why should it be different now?
>> GOOD: DoubleClick hit by DDoS attack <<
Banner ad scumbags deserve all that they get.
Bring it on.
>> BAD: Dr Gillian McKeith fake diploma <<
We'd been planning to sell B3ta Photoshopping
and Viral PhDs for £1000 a pop. The bad press
for "online degrees" has set us back years.
>> GOOD: Big Brother ending today <<
Now we can sit on the Tube without hearing
people blithering on about the contestants.
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: HUMAN ZOO
Status Quo Tattoo
We can only speculate without insight what
possesses a man to have all the band
members, past and present, of Status Quo
tattooed on his back.
Is it love for the songs? Nostalgia for simpler
times? Or simply mental illness?
Whatever the reason - we love that he's chosen
to feature little-known bassist Rhino rather
more prominently than the more famous Francis
Rossi or Rick Parfitt.
http://mustangprint.com.au/websites/statoos/hans/b...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Umpire, Kung-Fu, Diana
>> Simon and Garfunkel tennis <<
"I've made a tennis game," writes Barney,
"where you who get to play the umpire."
Well, this is an unusual approach to Flash
gaming but the simple absurdity made us grin.
http://www.donderevo.com/games/tennis.html
>> Weebl flips out ninja-style <<
Jonti enjoys crappy martial arts films with a
passion. Now he's ready to spill his love all
over your computer screen. But you'd probably
rather just watch this excellent kung-fu
episode of Weebl & Bob.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/kungfu.htm
>> Diana death clock <<
"I was on cafepress trying to create the
tackiest clock ever," muses ginger fuhrer
Rob Manuel. "For my wall at B3ta HQ. I
made one based on the life-story of Princess
Diana - you can't sink much lower than
that. To my surprise, it's actually selling
rather well. Just take a look - who on
Earth is buying them?"
http://www.cafeshops.com/princessdiana.12699788
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Tiger nurses piglets
Have you ever wanked off a duck? Us neither.
Here's a charming picture of a tiger and her
brood of piglets (adopted). It's small
compensation, we know.
http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/animals/holy_cow.htm#adopt
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Rhyming Photoshops' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted things that rhyme:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rhymingphotoshops/
We asked B3ta boarder 'not_real' to judge the
entries - here are his faves.
not_real writes -
#1 "Speak and spell deluxe - Probably the most
original entry in the competition, and damn
funny too. Award yourself a gold star, sir!
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3553619
#2 "The Pope - Holy crap, (ahem) what a
picture! There were quite a few papal entries
in this competition, but this one stands out
by a mile. Plus, the expression on his face
at the 'He's dope!' part makes me laugh
every time (oldgreyhouse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3534363
#3 "Parappa The Rapper - In a crapper. With a
slapper. In Aiya Napa. ? Absolutely superb,
wins points for excellent slapper picture and
use of Parappa the Rapper (Neth)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3530827
"If I'm allowed an honourable mention, it'd have
to be Ravenous Bugblatter Beast's 'badly drawn
knob' animation, for the most poetic use of a
crudely-drawn cock I have ever seen!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3555631
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week The Challenge Dictator demanded we
should Photoshop, "What Superheros do on their
day off"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superherodayoff/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ROB, JOEL & WEEBL PHOTOGRAPHS - Belgian
newsletter reader Lionel Samain asked
if could come and take photos of some key
b3ta people for a magazine profile. Sadly the
handsome and beautiful Cal & Denise were out the
country so he made do with this motley crew.
http://www.griffe.be/clients/lionelsamain/bookweb-...
* RESTAURANT GAMES TO PLAY - a couple of weeks
back we asking you to enliven our eating
experiences. Badgerbill writes, "I like playing
'knifey, forky, spoony'. The rules are simple;
someone shouts 'knifey, forky, spoony' and as
he finishes this everybody holds up one of the
aforementioned pieces of cutlery. Those in the
minority have to take a drink." Fantastic. We
can't wait to play it down the Ivy.
* MORE JOBS FOR B3TA PEOPLE - Mushybees writes
"I got a cracking illustration job this
morning, and they found me via b3ta. So,
thank you very much mister for creating the
site. I now feel compelled to finally donate.
As they say in America....you the man!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* AQUICKPISS.COM - a guide to finding good
places for a slash without braving "peeing
in a pub without buying a drink." BTW: We
recommend the 4th floor at Piccadilly
Waterstone's.
* SECRETCASHPOINTS.COM - sod queuing for
central London cashpoints. Where are the
sneaky ones that no one uses? Like the
one in the currency exchange place on
Oxford Street.
* TOP TIP TESTING - the more stupidly
scientific the better. Read some of the old
newsletters, there's loads to have a go on.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Jazz_potato, jolajolajola,
tetsuwan_jan, onelostsoulonefishbowl,
cronoprouk & joel.
Top Tippery by Dan
Additional linkage by Fraser "blobjam" Lewry.
Board research by Fnordinary World.
Image challenge handled by Blistery Mob.
Proofing by the ginger b4ta monkeys. (77794)
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TOP TIP:
If your in-ear headphones have gone a bit
crackly lately, perhaps they've got wrinkled
cones. To straighten them out, give each bud a
quick suck and they should pop into place as
easy as pie. Not recommended if you share
headphones with your wax-ridden mates.
