NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 161: "DOGS THAT SPEAK LIKE MEN"
This Week:
* VID - Eastenders Silent Movie
* FASHION - Children's Knitted Gimp Masks
* FACT - People Falling Over Is Funny
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 161 - 03 Dec 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue161/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Sex Dolls, Santas, Other Christmassy Stuff
>> Eastenders Silent Movie <<
Remember when Eastenders used to be good?
Do you really? 'The Original Woodsman' thinks
the show hit its peak around 1917 and points
to this rare archive footage as proof. We love
it, and you should too.
http://www.mediapill.com/blog/graphics/endersxmas1...
>> Celebrity Sex Dolls <<
"Hello," says B3ta user *kat*, "I thought
I'd use my spare time making something
breathtakingly amazing and technically
beautiful. So here's a line up of celebrity
sex dolls." Oh, and it's NSFW - enjoy!
http://celebritysexdolls.blogspot.com/
>> Advent Calendar - with Bouncing Boobs! <<
We don't usually like adstuff, but we couldn't
resist this. Sputnikboy says "I just built a
viral marketing thang for one of our clients.
That's viral as in email; all the girls have been
checked for hygiene. Thought it might cheer
people up in the Xmas mayhem."
http://www.musthavetoys.com/advent/
>> Xmas Paedo-lights <<
Tico24 has gone into stalking mode. He writes,
"I woke up this morning to find some ugly
Christmas lights going up across the road.
I plan to keep an accurate record of the set-up
process as it happens." That's pretty much it.
It's simple and it's ugly. We'll be looking out
for Tico's restraining order next week.
http://www.santawatch.tk/
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: FAUX-NAIVE ENQUIRY OF THE WEEK
B3tard vs Crayola
Acedias writes -
"About a week and a half ago I emailed Crayola
through sheer boredom - after all, who doesn't
know what crayon tastes like? - and I got this
reply today:
"Dear Tom,
Thank you for contacting us and sharing your
thoughts. It is not planned to add any flavours
to our Crayons at this time or in the future.
Once again thanks for taking the time to
contact us.
Kind Regards, Joyce Tucker."
>> Can you do better? <<
This email amused us muchly at B3ta Towers. We
want you to have a go sending crank emails to
different companies, and we'll print the best
letters next week. Pass on your missives via:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Child Gimp Suit <<
Picture the scene: it's Christmas day round
Fred and Rosemary West's house, and the kids
are unwrapping their presents. These lovely
knitted gimp suits are just the sort of thing
to buy a serial killer's abused offspring.
http://snipurl.com/b2b6
>> 1950s Japanese Sex Guide <<
The Japanese might have brought us bukkake, but
the nation has not always been so sexually
advanced. These pictures are from a more
innocent time, when the parents of today's
generation had to be taught how to hold hands
as well as other, more advanced, seduction
techniques.
http://snipurl.com/aymd
>> Dogs That Speak Like Men <<
Dogs can't really speak, of course - that
would mean a change in the pattern of evolution
itself - but some furry fellows do a pretty
good job of mimicking their masters, especially
the lapdog at the end of this delightful footage.
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/dogspeak.wmv
>> People Falling Over Is Funny <<
TV networks the world over have cottoned on to this and
have turned other people's accidents into
televisual gold. They usually draw the line
at serious injury, however, which we fear
may be the case with this unwary barmaid.
http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/04102704.html
>> Kids Sing White Stripes <<
Xfm Radio has been running a competition to
discover the UK's best school band. If there was
any justice at all, 13-year old Oscar Scizier's
Ye Olde Fighting Cocks should have won, as his
psychotic version of the White Stripes' 'Seven
Nation Army' ably demonstrates. Genius.
http://snipurl.com/b2e1
>> Russian Bus of Fire <<
They say there's no smoke without fire, and
that's certainly the case for these unlucky
tourists, as a small malfunction with their
coach's engine swiftly turns into a major
conflagration. Like a roadside 9/11, but
without the need for Arab terrorists. Or death.
http://snipurl.com/b2cc
>> One Man Band of the Future <<
We have seen the future of music, and his name
is McRorie. Endowed with an awesome mullet and
the dress sense of a sci-fi fitness instructor,
this demented one-man band belts out electronic
versions of rock classics. His meeting with
Celine Dion is particularly special. Probably
popular in Germany.
http://www.mcrorie.ca/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Near Death Experiences
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted to know about your near-death
experiences:
http://b3ta.com/questions/neardeath/
#1 Grenade!
"My mate Jez brought back a Civil War surplus
German stick grenade from Spain. Like normal,
sane teenagers we went up to the woods and took
turns throwing it at each other whilst shouting
"Gott in Himmel!" Jez, pulling out the pin,
suddenly realised that it might not be a dud
after all and threw it like a girl, whereupon it
landed at our feet. As we legged it, there was
this bastard big explosion, closely followed by
a collective crapping of pants." (ScaryDuck)
#2 Express Train
"I was 15 and standing on the platform of
Meadowhall station when the track started to
shudder with the approach of a fast intercity
about to pass through. I don't like the fast
trains much, so I held onto the timetable sign
in preparation. A rather odd looking woman had
been standing in front of me, but I thought
little of it, until she grabbed my arm. And
jumped in front of the Intercity. If I hadn't
been holding onto the signpost ... we all
looked down the track where all we could see
was a torso. Just a torso. We had to get a
bus home." (*kat*)
#3 White Spirit
"A long time ago I suddenly felt I needed to
know what white spirit tasted like. It tastes
like months in hospital and the American Poison
Department being flown in. That, and lemonade."
(Burb Lulls)
>> This Week's Question <<
What have you lost over the years? Tell us all
about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lost/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
A double dollop of dainty delight.
We've been scouring the web for the cutest
images known to man. And we hit paydirt.
>> Baby Racoon <<
This little tyke is fresh out of his mum's belly
by the look of him, wriggling with infant glee.
http://snipurl.com/b2db
>> Spa Monkeys <<
There's nothing more rewarding for a busy monkey
than a steaming hot tub at the end of a hard day
in the forest, as shown by this troupe of relaxing
primates.
http://snipurl.com/b2dd
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
>> Who is Hegman? <<
A bald bloke with a conical hat and a tattoo
dedicated to his mum has been causing mayhem
in Essex.
B3ta user Jay writes "According to the local
paper, a few months back a woman kept having
pictures of Hegman posted through her door,
frightening her young daughter."
And now Hegman is back! We love the detail in
this letter about a recent sighting. Have you
seen Hegman? Let us know.
http://snipurl.com/b2fo
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: WILL SOMEONE KILL THIS FEATURE PLEASE
...it's the return of Funny Name Corner
>> Gay Flashman <<
The executive producer for Channel 4 News is
the unfortunately-named Gay Flashman. So, not
only does she exist, but her name is also
scrolled across your TV set every evening.
Oh yes.
>> Le shit <<
"I have something for the funny name corner",
gesticulates onion enthusiast Yomgaille, with
dead snails dropping from his lips. "It's in
French though: It belongs to a place called
"La mer de sable" which means 'the sand sea',
but the URL is www.merdesable.fr which translates
into English as www.shitsand.fr"
>> Otis Reading <<
Following on from our Schindler's Lifts, it's
been pointing about that Otis Lifts have their
HQ in Berkshire, so that when you ring them
up they answer thusly: "Hello, Otis Reading."
>> Edith Munter <<
Merriam-Webster's dictionary might be claiming
'blog' as word of the year, but at B3ta Towers
we haven't been able to read a paper or turn
on the radio without hearing 'minging' and its
red-headed step-child, 'munter'. Still, we can't
help but be amused by Edith Munter. She's
dead, though, so it's ok to laugh. Not like
she can get upset.
http://www.boulgerfuneralhome.com/obits/viewobit.p...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Messing With History Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to mess with history:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/history/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Sue Denham' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Sue writes -
#1 "Tiananmen Square, 1989 - there is something
very pleasing about the thought of standing
up to the oppression of Chinese Communism with
your short, fat, hairy legs. (mechamatsimpsk)
http://b3ta.com/board/3988965
#2 "Dawn of Man - I love this purely because I
have to do sound effects every time I see it.
Bonk! (pobblepop)
http://b3ta.com/board/3989910
#3 "WWII - There were lots of entries featuring
Hitler and/or Churchill, but this one made me
laugh by far the most." (Hello Coco?)
http://b3ta.com/board/3989459
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator told us
to imagine, "If Movie Plots Were Real".
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieplots/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FUZZ MAGAZINE - Last week we mentioned the
Home Office's planned police force magazine,
and Rhodri's excellent mock-up of a front
cover for it. Mystery Reader writes, "Nice
effort, but the mag should be called 'Hello!
Hello! Hello!'" You are correct, sir, and we
salute you.
* ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES - We alluded to the use
of these electronic marvels as arse-tinglers.
B3ta user Wall wants to know where we got our
facts from. "Are there any reported instances
of brush slippage, overlubed and overzealous
users without a means of retrieval having to
resort to medical help?" he asks. "It's been a
hotly-debated subject here at United Utilities
and is now raising more questions than answers."
* OLIVER POSTGATE is the Devil, it seems. Mitch
writes, "He f@cked over the guy who wrote Postman
Pat, if my memory of a Guardian article from a
while ago is correct. B@stard Postgate!" Blimey.
* NICEY AND WIFEY'S MEDIA CAMPAIGN CONTINUES
They'll be in Waterstones in Piccadilly on
Thursday 9th December, 6-9pm, helping to
rescue poor shoppers from the turning on of
the Christmas lights by serving lots of free
tea and biscuits... Oh, and signing books.
Come and play - it'll be fun!
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: FRIDAY GAME
bouncy mirror ball
A nice, gentle game for a Friday afternoon,
based on classic puzzler Reflexion. Bounce the ball
round the maze by cunningly marshalling your
formidable array of 'ball-mirrors'.
http://oos.moxiecode.com/examples/reflex/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SNOW KLANSMEN - but not too close to the
burning crosses.
* A ROYAL FUNERAL - haven't had one in ages
and they're brilliant!
* CRANK EMAILS - to manufacturers. We really
enjoyed this week's and we want more.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
Edited by Rob Manuel & Dave Stevenson.
Written by Fraser, Mike, Wifey, Rob Tinsley
and the rest of Team Wiki.
Top Tippery by the Phantom Tipper
Links sent in by the silent majority
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the secret b4ta baldies. (75758)
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TOP TIP:
To stop the needles falling off your
christmas tree simply spray the whole
thing with hair spray. Oh, but be careful
not to set fire to it afterwards, and don't
blame us if you do.
