NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 168: "YOUR ADVERT. ON OUR NEWSLETTERY TITS."
This Week:
* EBAY B3TA - Buy 50 words in next week's issue
* WEEBL - Magical Trevor II
* COCKS - Customise your iPod with a penis
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 168 - 4 Feb 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue168/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Magic, Ants, Ducks, Cat, iPod cock
>> Magical Trevor II <<
Cast your mind back to the golden days of 2004,
Kilroy was a nationally-respected figure, cigs
still costs less than £5 for a packet, and Jonti
released Magical Trevor. We sang along, we
started fan groups, and generally wanted to
hump Jonti's leg. And now? We've got the sequel.
So are we talking Wrath of Khan good or Matrix
Reloaded bad? Watch and find out.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/55/
>> Ant blog <<
Ants are shit. They're only good for one
thing: stamping on. Oh, and making little
ant prisons out of circles of soap. Or is
that just us? Anyway, Thundercat has some
sort of space-age ant farm and has been
photographing their smug, orange antics.
http://www.ants.simonharbour.com/
>> Sinister ducks <<
Comic book scribe Alan Moore is famed for his
luxuriant beard and his Watchmen series. Not
so well-known is his 1983 musical recording,
featuring members of dodgy goth rockers Bauhaus,
The March of the Sinister Ducks. The
confusingly-named pippyisatruck and techieRob
have set it to some visuals. We suspect this
bit of nonsense will be following Alan until
the day he dies.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/ducks.html
>> Cat biopic <<
"My cat is very talented indeed." proclaims
snailobsession, "Today, I followed her around
with a camera to see what she would do and made
a flash movie of the results." Woo. We're
utterly charmed. What a nice little bit of
work.
http://snipurl.com/ck6p
>> iPod Cock-O-Meter hack <<
Penises are great and we can't get enough off
them. iPods, on the other hand, are sorely
lacking in the knob department. To remedy this
situation B3ta boarder Give To Ian got out his
magic haxx0r wand and gayed things up a bit.
If you're an iPod owner, this comes with
instructions on how to make your poncey
toy equally well-endowed.
http://five.bandwich.org/archives/000044.html
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: BUY 50 WORDS IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER
Selling our newsletter soul on eBay
Whilst we were compiling this week's newsletter,
someone sent us one of those crappy "buy an
advert on my tits" eBay auctions.
We thought, "Hold on. We could do that..."
So, do you wish to send a message to a loved
one on Valentine's Day? Are you a rich
advertising agency who wants to promote your
brand? Or maybe you'd just like to say, "B3ta
are sell-out cunts, I hate them" and force us
to print your words?
Fifty words. Including a web link. Whoever
bids the most cash gets it.
http://snipurl.com/cj1i
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: DADDY, YOU'RE NOT A DENTIST
it's funny names corner
* LARS VADJINA - multimedia developer.
* FANNY FUKS - dead Belgian in Brussels
cemetery.
* DREW PEARCE (droopy arse) - one-time TV
producer for dotcomedy.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Songs whose words you changed
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted the rude versions of songs
that you used to sing at school. It degenerated
somewhat into a "misheard lyrics" festival.
http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/
Here's some excerpts:
* "And then I saw her face - it was like a
retriever's... " From The Monkees'
'I'm a Believer' (coco)
* "My gran gets lonely and often bursts into
song - she's tone deaf, can't carry a tune in
a bucket and can never remember the words to
songs. Musicals are her favourite source of
inspiration, such as "Oklahoma, O K L M N O P Q"
(ellen smellen)
* "In The Bath by Lemon Jelly uses the sample,
'What do you do in the bath?' To which my
mate immediately answered in a broad Bristolian
accent, 'generally I soaps meself up and 'as
a wank.' Now, every time I hear the song, a
horrible image looms unbidden into my poor
head. The bastard." (sittingduck)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to show us your scars. Tell us their
sordid history here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Spunky back tattoo <<
Heh. This bloke has tattooed spunking mer-men
on his back. Now that might be all well and
good down the leather bar, but what if you
wanted to go swimming? Surely mums are going
to complain to the staff?
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tiki/temp/backpiece4n...
>> Pink Floyd - Bike <<
Huge fans of Syd Barrett at B3ta Towers. If
you're not familiar with his life story, then
Google him. His descent from leader of top
psyche-rockers Pink Floyd to babbling nutter,
living with his mum in Cambridge, is a modern
parable of fame. If we opened a rock school,
these would be the lessons we'd teach. Anyway,
we're loving this spazzy visual to one of his
finest tracks: Bike. It fits the childish vibe
perfectly.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bike.php
>> Album cover rip-offs <<
Apparently this collection of album art
heavily influenced by others' has been
doing the web rounds for over two years.
Maybe we're getting slow in our old age,
but we spent a happy afternoon checking
them all out. Just a shame the pictures
are quite so small.
http://www.knockoffproject.com/
>> Woollen catsuit man <<
"I was looking for a catsuit today", purrs
Caroline, "lamenting the high costs involved
in purchasing said item. 'Why not make my
own?' I thought and was intrigued by the
possibility of this knitted offering."
Blimey Caroline, if you look as hot as this
lovely chappy, send us your photo now.
http://www.woolknits.com/ModelPages/Catsuit.htm
>> MSPaint geeky DNS cartoon <<
Right. Fucked if we're going to explain
DNS to you lot. If you don't know, you're
not going to enjoy this even with two
lines of finely-wrought copy. But you'll
be missing out. This is comedy, my friends,
this is fucking comedy.
http://brain.cx/DNS-HOWTO/index.html
>> Read other people's secrets <<
"I believe that my dead grandmother watches me
with great disappointment every time I
masturbate." Enough about us. Read other people's
deepest, darkest secrets, that they're only
prepared to confess online. Fascinating, compelling
stuff.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
>> Badly-drawn porn <<
We like our laughs cheap, and we like them
mucky. This idiot-savant collection of badly
drawn sexual thoughts had us making snot
bubbles. Our favourites include the jail rape
and dolphins. Come to think of it, no
change there.
http://hysteria.sk/sd/drawings/
>> Pathetic motorways <<
Like all the best people, we can't drive, and
hence have spent less time on motorways than we
have dribbling on strangers on public transport.
Didn't stop us enjoying this collection of
"pathetic motorways", an anal list, compiled by
enthusiastic drivers, of the most rubbish roads
in the UK. Linky goes to the UK's shortest motorway,
that appears to be the length of a bridge. Dunno.
Kinda made us laugh. Doesn't really have the
grandeur you'd expect.
http://pathetic.org.uk/motorways/A635M.htm
>> DIY Moobs <<
Back in the day, we shied from the word
'moobs', fearful our readers wouldn't understand,
preferring such clunksome phrases as boy-tits,
or he-breasts. Since then we've seen the moob
sweep the nation like a huge brush of nork
blubber. But we digress, this guide to using
sellotape to create the impression of masculine
tittage made us smirk.
http://www.ehacked.com/front_page/articles/how_to_...
>> Pretty goth lady swallows razor <<
"A female magician I know", boasts davidsimon,
"has made this video of her twist on the old
'swallowing the razorblades' trick." Blimey.
To be honest, we found this a bit disturbing.
Trick or not, this girl has issues.
http://www.myfilestash.com/userfiles/davidsimon/Su...
>> "My first erection" <<
On the surface, this video clip is just two
charming ladies getting their baps out at a
car show, or something like that. But what makes
it priceless is the actions of the young lad
in the background who is clearly getting some
strange stirrings he's never experienced
before now and is trying desperately to hide
it! NSFW.
http://snipurl.com/ck5n
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
TV kitten, attack hedgehog and baby ducks
* KITTEN - Possibly the cute picture to end
all cute pictures. Little kitten sitting up
late, watching telly. Aww. He thinks he's
people...
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4227946
* HEDGEHOG - an easy recipe for cuteness -
tiny, harmless creature, viciously on the
offensive. Like this glove-hating hedge pig.
http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/IMG_3329.JPG
* DUCKS - about the house. Just imagine it;
the pitter-patter of tiny flippers. Lovely.
http://www.elizaduck.com/ducks.htm
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HEADLINE WATCH
Because sub-editors are funny
CLINTON ACCUSED OF SHIRT-LIFTING - during the
Lewinsky saga, Glasgow local paper covers
Pollockshields local's arrest for stealing
shirts from Oxfam.
TOILET DOORS SET TO CLOSE - ad boards for
Tonbridge Focus.
HORSE FRIGHTENED TO DEATH BY FIREWORK - Brighton
Evening Argus.
BUS MISTAKEN FOR CAR - Brighton Evening Argus
Anything good in your local papers? Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
S Club 7 Tattoo bloke
Jon Norris writes -
"A chap on my uni course has all of S-Club 7's
signatures tattooed on his chest.
"He's a bit odd, and was three people away from
going into the Big Brother house last year.
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba...
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba...
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba...
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba...
"And for a coursework submission he handed in a
completely eye-raping website with some great
stalker-grade stuff about Hannah from S Club."
http://www.kingsbridgekrays.co.uk/barrytemp/home.h...
Blimey. If anyone from Endemol is reading this,
then SORT IT OUT. We want this man on BB6 this
summer.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'ducks' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you simply to Photoshop
ducks.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/
We asked B3ta boarder Carlospresents to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Carlospresents writes -
#1 "Duck 2 Duck' - I think this competition had
way too many puns involved, so it was a breath
of fresh air to see this Viz style smut rear
it's head! Word of warning though, Don't ring
any of those numbers 'cos they're not real.
(badhorsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4208667
#2 "What They Really Mean - It's short, sharp,
simple and effective. I live near a Town
called Burnley and I can honestly testify
that all the ducks in that town shout this at
you when you walk past...as well as scrounging
10p for a bus journey.And wearing Burberry
tracksuits. And getting pregnant at 13. And
fighting in Tesco. But anyways....
(whatsinaname)
http://b3ta.com/board/4204203
#3 "Chin Strap - He's cold, cynical and uncaring.
He knows what he wants and he knows how to get
it. Watch him bleat. Then quack. Then kill.
(Donkey Gums)
http://b3ta.com/board/4204571
Can I get get a special mention? For IndieSinger?
Cos it's funny?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4215822
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us
the suggestion, "Goggles of Truth".
http://b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPACKER SPECS IN MAG - a few weeks ago
we mentioned Grandma of Shoes' lovely
collection of pictures of his friends
wearing stupid glasses. They reached
UK 'tits and dead people' magazine Bizarre.
We only mention it 'cause Grandma was pissed
he didn't get a credit. So we're doing it
for him.
http://img151.exs.cx/img151/3200/shoes3nw.jpg
* CELEBRITY DINNER CLUB EXPOSED - we linked
a site offering an opportunity to get
crappy Z-listers round for dinner. This
ended up all over the papers, the
most interesting mention being on the
Guardian. Turns out it was a joke, But
the lovely lady who thought it up is
now thinking of doing it for real.
(Scroll down to Stargazing - Hasbeens
on toast).
http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1402814,...
* FOOTBALL PRESENTER NIGEL SPACKMAN - "I work
at Sky Sports," giggles mcmuff, "His nickname
is 'Spackers'. When he's live on telly and the
director tellS a cameraman to get closer to
Spackers, I crack up."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Notepad Invaders
Defend your note book against evil aliens
from Planet Biro. Rob and Dave made this
little hand-drawn Space Invaders game and
right pretty it looks too.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/02/notepad-inva...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SLICED BREAD WITHOUT CRUSTS - c'mon
supermarkets, you'd clean up with this.
80% of the little people inside our heads
said crusts make them suspicious.
* MORE BLOGGERS SACKED - their moaning
makes us giggle. You know who you are.
* AN IDEA GENERATOR - this bit of the
newsletter is really tricky to write,
as if we do have a really good idea, why
should be throw it away?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by nash0819, 100% Kitten, Sean,
isthisyou? lankygingerfool
Top Tippery by Rob.
Racism by the_unforgiven04.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by b404ta. (76637)
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TOP TIP:
SMOKERS! When buying your shopping online, throw
in a couple of packets of Amber Leaf. It's a
nasty smoke, so there's always some left when
you run out of fags at 3 in the morning.
