NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 174: "CILLIT BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!"
This Week:
* ADVERT REMIX - Cillit BANG!
* INTERVIEW - Sir Patrick Moore
* FASHION - Meat bags
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________ ____ __ ___
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 174 - 18 Mar 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue174/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: ADVERTS
Game, Work at Greenpeace, Photoshopping site
>> The Incredible Machine <<
"Kerb have built a cut-down flash version of
this ancient classic PC game."
http://www.cclonline.com/pc/hardware/software/thec...
>> Greenpeace job <<
"Greenpeace are looking for a new Web Editor
for their site. Could this be you?"
http://snurl.com/dhyn
>> FreakingNews <<
"FreakingNews is the top news photoshop contest
site on the web. We make fun of whatever is
hot in the news. Sign-up for free and join over
7,000 members in photoshop contests or simply
view thousands of funny images. Updated daily.
Featured in CNN, Salon, and LAtimes."
http://FreakingNews.com
>> Buy space in B3ta <<
Want to advertise in the newsletter? Talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Cillit Bang, Kitten song & Sir Patrick Moore
>> Hardcore dance cleaner <<
Uber-annoying household scourer Cillit Bang takes
on vaguely fascistic overtones thanks to Jakazid.
The crafty genius behind the Calm Down Dear remix,
featured several issues ago, embarks on a dark,
hardcore odyssey of everyday cleansing power,
remixing another cult TV ad. UK readers need to
watch this NOW.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-ban...
>> Kitten song <<
"I have a submission," sniggers jj_rudd,
"for the newsletter. It's my first attempt
so be gentle!" Woo. By golly, we flipping
love this, but don't want to spoil it by
spelling out the joke in the write-up.
http://glasscocx.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/m/kitten/
>> Patrick Moore interview <<
We've been obsessed with Patrick Moore ever
since we saw him on Wogan in the 80's playing
the xylophone like a posh octopus. Our
fascination went on to spawn the Weebl
collaboration "Patrick Moore Plays The
Xylophone" and now to Kirk Rutters' interview
with the great man himself. Apparently Moore
has got a new book out. Woo. We wonder if
they'll put a sticker on it saying "as
recommended by B3ta?" That would be lovely.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/patrickmoore/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Beautiful Moments
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for the defining moments of
your lives. Some of these are just wonderful:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments/
* "My mother died when I was 16. Not a clean
death either - cancer and operations; a
steadily-increasing morphine dose was keeping
the pain away and my father and I understood
she didn't have long to go. I saw her stop
breathing at about twenty to four in the
morning, and, the whole sorry conclusion of
getting funeral directors to remove her and
deal with the paperwork over, I walked out
of the house at about 7am. There was the most
majestic sunrise I have ever seen that morning,
utterly massive peaks of pinks and oranges.
The memory of that sunrise has been with me
over half my life." (Yarblesnake)
* "I do medieval battle re-enactment with chainmail,
swords etc... Tewksbury battlefield 1997, the
Friday night before the main battle, there were
whispers going around the beer tent that there
was going to be a duel for honour after midnight.
It turns out that one friend had 'dishonoured'
another by shagging his Mrs. After a bottle of
Moniack mead and many happy cigarettes, I
staggered onto the field to see two very large
re-enactors leathering each other with swords
in the mist and moonlight. It was extremely
surreal, out of time - and quite beautiful.
Especially when they both bloodily agreed that
the woman in question was a slag and that they
both needed a beer..." (Catchag)
* "The sun was just rising, as I reached the summit
of a large sand dune on the edge of the Great
Thar dessert. The horizon was alive with an
awesome show of pinks, yellows and orange. It
took my breath away. Such a great view couldn't
be missed and I spent a pleasant few minutes
having the most satisfying turd in my life.
It rolled away down the dune - which made
watching the view all the better. Later on,
as we were preparing to leave, I noticed some
Americans had stood in it. It's still the best
shit I've ever had." (stupotty)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your obscurest facts. Things that are
totally useless, but true. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/
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: FASHION
Meat bags
"Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in
mallards." Not our most successful chat-up
line. That would be "nice shoes. Fancy a
fuck?" Anyway boys, brush up your lady
handling skills by learning about fashion.
That's the secret. Not too much - women
will think you're gay - but a passing interest
is good, especially backed up by compliments.
Try approaching girls mumbling, "Is your bag
human skin? I read about it on the internet.
You're lovely." You'll be knee-deep in lady
love wicked soon. THANKS B3ta! No problem.
http://snipurl.com/didm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Now with added fact-spack
>> Bonnie Tyler vs. fridge <<
In 1983 pop-genius Jim Steinman wrote, "Once
upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm
only falling apart." Little did he know that in
2005 his greatest lyrical work would be destroyed
by weirdoes hitting fridges and cookers. Witness
the madness. We were laughing with uncomprehending
disbelief.
http://plaza.ufl.edu/njh/vids/hurratorpedo.wmv
:: FACT-SPACK: As well as writing for
Meatloaf and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Steinman
co-wrote the Sisters of Mercy hit More, which
subsequently turned up in the musical 'MTV's
Wuthering Heights'. It was shit.
>> Jaunty banana man plays with fire <<
It's another newsletter, and another opportunity
to see an unfortunate webizen on fire. What makes
this different is the amusing montage editing
that takes us from fire, to cooling off in the
shower and finally to hospital in under a minute.
That's entertainment folks.
http://www.erixzone.com/vuilehufters/index.php
:: FACT-SPACK: Fire is affected by gravity, In
zero-G a candle flame isn't yellow and tapered
but blue and nearly spherical. It's a bit shit
really.
>> Convergence gone mad <<
Our phones play MP3s, our monitors have speakers,
Christ, our cameras even play Doom. When will the
madness end? Clearly not with this "internet
enabled microwave." It should have a webcam and
a website which you can log on to, and see what
everyone else with an internet microwave is warming
up at the same time. That would be ace. However
it doesn't, it's just a crap gimmick.
http://snipurl.com/diax
:: FACT-SPACK: Fun things to put in
microwaves include split grapes - pretty
blue sparks - and eggs, they explode in a
shelly scrambled mess.
>> Wheelchair dancing <<
Being condemned to a life in a wheelchair
doesn't sound too bad to us. You're eye-level
to ogle tits all day, and with the small
addition of a blanket you can masturbate in
public too. What's more, the world of ballroom
dancing isn't closed to you and your partner.
The maudlin music is what really had us here.
We're welling up.
http://www.adaptivedancing.com/AD_Video_Clip1.html
:: FACT-SPACK: Most people in wheelchairs
can actually walk. They're just lazy. Piss.
This is meant to be true stuff. Ok. Stephen
Hawking likes running over people's feet.
And then sniggering in his robot voice.
"Ha. Ha. Ha." he mechanically monotones,
"Hardy. Ha."
>> Cornish Darkie Day fun <<
In America most of the racists are concentrated
in the south. In the UK it's no different. Our
Texas is called Cornwall (where they drill for
lashings of lovely thick cream in cow mines).
Once a year the pasty-munching twits cover their
faces in boot polish and shout racist songs.
TIP: Any younger readers stuck in this part of
the country should probably move.
http://www.truebrits.tv/darkie_day.html
:: FACT-SPACK: Clotted cream is 55% fat, as
compared to butter at 80%. The word butterfly
goes back to the medieval superstition that
witches transform into butterflies, in order
to steal the farmers' cream or butter. What a
bunch of bastards.
>> Nice Amazon type toy <<
Since Amazon opened up their geek-friendly API,
allowing tentacle-rape-addicted nerds to
build their own sites based on Amazon data,
we've been flooded with oddities. From
our own "What's That Song" to "I'm Feeling
Spendy" we've been regaled with ingenuity.
The latest is this plaything that allows
you to make big words from book covers.
It's cute. Try it.
http://amaztype.tha.jp/US/Books/Title
:: FACT-SPACK: Amazon once fucked up their
database and revealed that 30% of 'reader
written' book reviews were actually put there
by the publishers and authors. The best
stuff was the dissing of rival writers.
Naughty naughty.
>> Anal sex for Christians <<
We all know that God frowns on sex before
marriage. It makes you blind, and your
man-seed have two tails. Thank God (literally)
that the bible has nothing but good to say
about heterosexual anal sex. BTW: This site
is most likely a wind-up, but the thought
of all those catholic girls doing anal
gave us strange and exciting thoughts.
http://www.sexinchrist.com/
:: FACT-SPACK: Girls! Don't do anal on
the first date. Your new boyfriend will
tell all his mates and you'll never live
it down. Save it for a special occasion,
say the first time you sleep over at his
parents' house.
>> Ricky Gervaise is such a hottie <<
Some say The Office's Ricky Gervaise's finest
moment was on some clip show where he suggested
the Shake'N'Vac lady used her carpet-cleaning
powder to cover up staining from suburban
gang-bangs, but we prefer him looking pretty
and gender-bendingly sexy in his New Romantic
incarnation Seona Dancing. See if you can
crack one out. It's a challenge.
http://www.injenn.net/~tania/seona-dancing/picture...
:: FACT-SPACK: We once torrented the pilot
episode of the American re-make of The Office.
Guess what? Completely shit. Don't bother.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Skinning-up, Finger Twister, Spooky MP3s
>> Skinning-up on a turntable <<
We gave up smoking dope at B3ta Towers when
we went back to some old hippy's house for
a smoke and he tried to bugger us. And get
us to fix his PC. The cheeky cunt. Iconscious
are clearly not worried about marijuana
sodomy and rape, "With BBC pottery in mind
we've made a brief interlude." Hmm. Overlong,
old, but has charm. Oddly enough the same
words that the botty-rape hippy used to
describe his penis.
http://www.iconscious.co.uk/film/interlude/
>> Finger Twister <<
"I was bored", fakker dully intones, "So I
decided to make Finger Twister." Not the
first time we've featured this idea; that
honour goes to Jboom, but it's very nicely
executed.
http://www.mattfacer.com/twister/
>> MP3s from beyond the grave <<
"Don't often submit stuff," lies the jesterly
named Timothy Claypole, "cos when I do you
take the piss out of my name." Who us? We
only pointed out that the actor who played
Timothy Claypole in Rent-A-Ghost died from
AIDS. "I've been conducting experiments
in EVP", continues Timmy 'died of AIDS'
Claypole, "You know, recording the dead
via hissing tape cassette." Hmm. Odd stuff
this. Readers are recommended to read from
the bottom of the page and also with a pinch
of salt. THE SALT OF THE DEAD! *makes spooky
noises* *tries to mention AIDS again* *err*
http://spookyvoices.blogspot.com
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby polar bears and baby Hitler
Mother and cub polar bears. We thought we'd hit
cute-fatigue with the bears, but the sweet look
on the baby's face made our hearts melt like the
world's precious, irreplaceable ice-caps.
http://snipurl.com/didh
Little rascal. kraze writes,Halloween "I recently
happened across this picture of me as a baby
during Halloween. I figure with your penchant
for nazis as well as cute things, you guys'd
like it." If only he was standing in front of
the oven instead of the dishwasher...
http://snipurl.com/didi
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Mighty ice towers
In the true spirit of doing odd stuff just
because they can, this bunch of Alaskans are
making colossal ice formations by pumping water
through an extravagant array of brass pipes and
nozzles then slowly letting it freeze in the cold
air of their icy northern realm. The sheer size
of these frozen trees is impressive - they're
getting on for the size of office blocks. But it's
the elaborate plumbing technology that's really
worth a look.
http://alaskanalpineclub.org/IceWall/04-05IceWall1...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Bad Public Art Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to make us some awful
Public Art.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/badpublicart/
We asked b3ta boarder 100% Kitten to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Kitten writes -
#1 "Give it a ping - Not only very nicely
animated, but also tasteless, inappropriate
and funny. And not a badly-drawn spunking
cock in sight. Unless the guy with his hand
in his pocket is knocking one out.
(Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4363010
#2 "Harold! - The fact that this hasn't already
been erected in Shepherd's Bush is an
indication of this country's terminal
decline. The thin white layer round his hat
is ethereal. This made me laugh out loud -
just a little blurring and it would have
won! (Barbara's Bush)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4363067
#3 "Abe's bored - I had never noticed before
that the expression on Lincoln's face is
vacant rather than statesman-like. I think
he may be switching between "Robot Wars"
and "Songs Of Praise". Well spotted and
beautifully executed. Just like Lincoln
himself." (Frumbert)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4373810
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator stepped in
once again and demanded that we photoshop
newspaper owner David Sullivan.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/davidsullivan/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INAPPROPRIATE CHARITY EVENTS - "There WAS a
sponsored swim for the tsunami appeal",
informs stephenjwz, "and I have scanned
a clipping."
http://glasscocx.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/m/notgoatse....
* NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF - last
week we asked for better names for tech
projects. Reader Ben writes, "Funny you
should mention up-skirt shots, but Sony
Ericsson have just announced what amounts
to an up-skirt cam, which they appear to
have named after our ginger fuhrer." Gosh.
This product looks great. A remote control
bluetooth video camera. The video had us
grinning like loons.
http://www.sonyericsson.com/rob1
* NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF 2 - dljfox
writes, "But the numbers in Nokia's models
aren't meaningless. The first number responds
to which series it belongs to, eg. 7 is
fashion, 6 is business, 5 is rugged/outdoors
etc." Gah. Call us phone nerds, but we found
this interesting in a "what does your phone
say about you" kind of way.
* TOP TIP TESTED - "you wrote", accuses rick209,
"if you put a piece of bread under your top
lip when chopping up onions it will stop your
eyes watering. I tested this and it did not
work. BUT...chewing gum while cutting up
onions DOES." Hopefully this will be helpful
to our onion-chopping readers.
* GRANDAD APPRECIATION - "Thank you so much"
brays johnwaddell, "for mentioning my father's
web address, walksydneystreets.net. It resulted
in 5,000 visitors in 24 hours and emails from
so many countries, quite a thrill for
a 90-year-old." No problem. The butt plugs
are in the post.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Chain reaction cascade game
Clicking on a little tile rotates it 90 degrees.
If the edges match up with their neighbours it
starts that tile moving too. The aim is to get as
long a lasting chain reaction of movement as
possible. We reckon you'd have to be some sort
of super-brain nerd genius to be any good at it,
but it's fascinating to try.
http://www.columbia.edu/~chc18/gridgame.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SUPERMARKET SPORTS - "I filmed a clip," boasts
bluchrome, "during a post-pub munchie mission
to Sainsburys." Woo. We reckon Aisle Curling
could be the next big thing. Can anyone follow
this up? Maybe pork chop hunting. With guns.
http://www.bluchrome.co.uk/shopolympics.mov
* REALITY WHORE HOUSE - prostitution is legal
in certain states in Australia. We'd like a
show where punters had to work as prossies.
A bit like Salon, where members of the public
could pop in for a TV broadcast hand-job.
There could be a Saturday night special called
Clap Trap, where one of the tarts has Gonorrhoea,
but which one? C'mon Channel 5 - this would
be better than your current reality output.
That tosh about models? No one cares.
* REMOTE CONTROL WASPS - have we any
nano-technologists reading? We want to sting
people we don't like. And giggle.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson with the wikiwoos.
Links sent in by mrtinybrain, lordgaz, finbarr,
simon elliott, badgas, WrapUpWarm, redbook,
Rob T Firefly, dedlymonkey, fred fenster
and octamed
Top Tippery by thewooinator
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the snorting b4ta snuffle-hounds.
(76739)
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TOP TIP: Be the first to step on the Tube by
standing where the Mind The Gap paint has worn
off. All those feet are a clue, you know.
