NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 178 - "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR HITLER FROM YOUR WILLING SERVANT ON EARTH, POPE BENEDICT XVI"
This Week:
* ANIM - Camilla Queen
* GAME - Traffic light simulator
* T-SHIRTS - B3ta artist of the week
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 178 - 22 Apr 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue178/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Camillia Queen, Traffic game, Cats & Cooking
>> Camilla Queen <<
Britain is a funny old place, we've inherited
a peculiar anachronism called the Royal
Family, no one quite knows why they exist,
including increasingly themselves. Since
Diana died, even the tabloids have given
up on them a bit, preferring to create
a new royal family from various members
of reality shows and thick muppets from
football. But it's all changed now!
We've got Camilla - she smokes tabs,
does dirty middle-aged stink sex, and
hopefully one day she'll be our Queen.
And maybe, just maybe, the nation shall
sing-as-one this stirring anthem created
by Doghorse with visual stuff from his
anim-bitch, eclectech. Wicked.
http://eclectech.co.uk/camillaqueen.php
>> Traffic game <<
We forget what it was called but we
remember reading Amstrad Computer User
in the mid 80s and it reviewed a game
where you controlled the traffic lights
in some kind god-like traffic warden
thing. We didn't buy it but we always
thought it sounded cool as fuck. Looks
like Geheee read the same mags as us and
has produced this, rather fantastic
little distraction. Woo. BTW: Geheee
mentions that his sister is a big fan
of b3ta, so hopefully she'll be sending
us some photos of her tits.
http://www.geheee.com/games/trafficcontrol2.html
>> Cat buckaroo <<
"I like to play buckaroo", boasts MrA
manfully, "with my fat cat Wesley." Woo. We
like this mainly because we recognise our
own behaviour: there's nothing we like
better than placing objects on B3ta cat
Rocky's head, maybe a fag packet or a
bottle-top, and watch it slide off,
with Rocky all undignified and slightly
perturbed. You'll laugh. You didn't? You
bunch of dull cunts, we don't know why we
bother.
http://www.ashearer.f2s.com/blog/
>> Fraser's Cookery Corner: Pork Pie <<
Fraser. Mr Fraser to you has been a long
time back-room boy in B3ta towers, supplying
some of the filthiest, most depraved links
to this very newsletter. Now is the time
for him to step from behind the curtain and
reveal his true self: a secret chef.
This week he cooked impressively huge pork
pie. Now, trust us, this is good shit man,
fuck all the flash bullshit, this is
what the hip kids are into. BTW: We hope
to be including Fraser’s cooking as an
irregular feature.
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/04/17/pork-pie/
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: B3TA PEOPLE T-SHIRTS
You for to have, hold and wear
You know like we run a website? You might have
seen it? You know there's like thousands
of people who sit there daily making all those
Photoshop images all-day?
We've done the obvious. We're picking a B3ta
person each Friday, and they'll be featured
as a "B3ta t-shirt artist of the week" and
you'll have the once-in-your-lifetime
opportunity of wearing their fabulous artwork
on your chest.
This week we've got Beau Bo D'Or with his
wootastic Thorahirds shirt. Buy them now,
they're lucky and you'll definitely get
a shag.
http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php
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: HUMAN ZOO
Old man in sex-waders
Possibly the most disturbing realisation for
young people is that old codgers still engage
in a sexual life. This chappy doesn't give a
flying hoot what you think, and is happy to
parade about his website in fetching rubber
boots, and a nice potato-enhanced cock bulge
too. It's like finding S&M contact photos for
the Captain Birdseye.
http://leatheroaks.org/Pages/WaderTwo.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK - I
Guilty Pleasures
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Since we had a week off sunning ourselves last
week, we've got two lots of answers for you.
First up are your guilty pleasures. Trying to
pick the three best was impossible - they're
all good. We feel used just reading them:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures/
* Knickers, part I
"I teach biomed students how to use
microscopes. The class, 150 in all, is
about 90% female. From the back of the lab,
just as they are all leaning forward, I am
witness to a gasp inducing view. An ocean
of knickers, thongs, tattoos and cracks.
I spend most of the 2 hour class back there."
(ghetto soldier)
* Squeezing spots
"My boyfriend thinks he's allergic to
something. Haven't got round to telling him
that the red blotchiness on his back is caused
by me poking at him for hours while he's
sleeping... I derive great pleasure from
squeezing the really tiny ones that have
lots of pus without waking him up. Bliss."
(deadly)
* Knickers, part II
"What a pleasure it is to take the Mrs'
dirty pants out of the laundry basket and
put them back in her knicker draw. She's
downstairs now and I've just done another
three pairs..." (tell me about the rabbits)
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: MUMMY, THE CILLIT BANG HURTS MY EYES
It's funny names corner
You know the score. Each week we complain
that we're bored to the back-teeth of funny
names, and each week you send more and
more.
And you fucking love it. Only yesterday
we were wandering about Kentish Town when we
bumped into one of our lovely readers who
said, "Yeah! Love the funny names stuff,
I was a school with this guy called Kerr,
just like that Wayne Kerr bloke last week."
He also asked us confusing questions about
how to make a disco light-show, but we
ignored that bit. (Hello Mark.)
Ok. You want this bilge, so you are going
to get it.
>> Company Cunt Trio <<
This week you've found three UK companies
with lady-sex-bit inspired names, we've
got T.WATTS & SONS in Middlesex,
VAG HOLDING LIMITED in Yorkshire and
the more obvious K.Z. KUNTZ INTERNATIONAL
LIMITED in Southend on Sea. If you want
more of this rubbish then visit company
record site, ukdata.com and type in the
swearwords of your choice. You sad muppets.
>> Obvious George W Bush is thick jibe <<
Call us cynical, but Bush doesn't make
us laugh. Not the twee fence-sitting of
JibJab's "This land is mine" or the photos
of Dubya reading children’s books up-side-down,
however, despite our jaded world view,
we couldn't help ourselves having a little
grin at this one. SHEESH! You have us.
We're never going to be free of this stuff. In
20 years time we'll be booked in TVs I Love
2005 and have to trot out the same crap.
DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE DEAR READERS? WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO US!
http://www.cia.gov/cia/information/bush.html
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: B3TA VIDEO TOP FOUR
der duh deh duh! (t t t t)
Hey pop cunts! Here's the best video shit we've
seen this week. If we were running the God
Channel these would be on a continual loop.
#1 BREAKDANCING THALIDOMIDE VICTIM
In the 1960s, mum-ladies didn't want the pain
of morning sickness and turned to super-science
to give them magic-drugs. Sadly it had the side
effect of producing children with less limbs
than the normally requisite four. Doesn't stop
them break-dancing though. See him go. Wheee!
http://dickcream.com
#2 MENTAL CAT DRUMMER
Hardcore webbers will have seen the Americas
Funniest Home Videos style clip of the cat
boxing a child’s head, but this remix is
relentless, hardcore and made us do the
laughter spunk.
http://www.putfile.com/media.php
#3 MORE BREAKDANCING - THIS TIME WITH A POPE
We've got a new Pope. Okay, he was a member
of Hitler Youth and served in World War
II with the Nazis, but as he's about 78,
hopefully he won't be about too long.
Anyway, remember Jean Paul in style, with
this fine clip of the one-time catholic
tsar blessing break dancers. Oh - and £50
to the first B3ta person who can get the
new one to bless Carol Decker, or some
other vacuous cretin.
http://snipurl.com/dw2p
#4 NINTENDO CHOIR
Nintendo can do no wrong in our eyes, we're
fucking fan-boys. If you haven't bought a
DS yet, then get to the shops - and make sure
you get a copy of Warioware too: you'll have
the biggest party in your hands since you first
discovered digital stimulation. Anyhows,
check these choir fools singing the Mario
theme. We wanted to hate them (for being
choiry twats) but love it, anyway.
http://gprime.net/video.php/nintendothemesacappell...
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: NSFW CORNER
Stuff to fwap over
>> Fake cunt <<
Back when we were students, we knew a lovely
man called Mohammed Abdul Hameed. His first
party trick was too pop his boy-cock betwixt
his legs and pretend to be a lady. (His second
involved leaving glasses of piss around the
flat and on questioning, enthusiastically
stating, "woo!") Anyway, even Mohammed never
resorted to sellotape to complete the effect.
Impressive stuff.
http://www.canal96.com/extra/strange/sexchange/
>> Bukkake Bread <<
We at B3ta are kings of bukkake. Christ, until
a week ago we were the number 1 google search
return for it. Actually. Sod this write-up,
let's talk about B3ta owning Google for odd
phrases. Wanking: number 4. Jailbait: number 3.
Shemale: number 2. I love you: number 1.
Anyway, enjoy these pics of spicy gingerbread
ladies, covered in oodles of man-icing.
BTW: To the web marketing twats out there.
Yes, we know this site only exists to boost
the page-rank of some Viagra bollocks. But
it's funny, so we don't care.
http://www.porn-bread.com/bukkake.htm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Ambulance blog <<
Haven't got much time for blogs at B3ta towers,
we're quick-hit monkeys, and want a laugh
in 15 seconds else we press the back key.
But this is different. We spent a good five
hours reading almost every word on this
site and fucking loved it. It's a true-life
account of working as an Ambulance driver,
delving into the pivot of peoples emotional
and physical crisis’s. Publishers: sign
up this guy to write a book, really -
you'd have a surprise hit on your hands.
http://randomreality.blogware.com/
>> Google maps <<
Every shitting website this week was banging
on about the wonder of the UK version of the
Google maps. Yes it is fantastic, and yes,
if you work at streetmap / multimap / upmytwat,
you should find a new job as your are SO going
out of business, all true, but we were getting
our jollies from typing silly things into the
search. Like this one, to find the crappiest
restaurants in London. (Oh, we're so posh, like
we're pretending we eat in restaurants now.)
http://snipurl.com/e56s
>> Camp geek home theatre <<
Argh! Our brains asplode! We consider ourselves
home-theatre twats at B3ta. We've got our
42 inch plasma, and like nothing better than
watching Pat Butcher astride our living room
like the butch lezzer that she is. But not even
us could be arsed to decorate the whole room
sub-massage parlour stylee. Respect.
http://theater.stevejenkins.com/gallery/complete/
>> Cool tiny cars <<
Cars are as dull as shit and only wankers
drive them. That's why the bestest racing
game is Mario Kart, i.e. one that dispenses
with the nonsense of realism and gives us
what the kids want: the ability to throw
bananas at the other players. And following
on, in a cock-eyed attempt attempt
at being slick, check these cars, they're
Mario Kart for real. Or some kind of insanely
gay Japanese tiny tiny Smart car. You might
get a couple of old-school laughs from
the Engrish too.
http://snipurl.com/e6eg
>> Secret TV pics <<
This link was sent in asking us to basically
laugh at the geeky bloke. But no, we actually
found it pretty interesting. Apparently
you can pick up foreign telly by attaching
a ham-radio to your PC. Frankly the tech
descriptions were beyond us, but if there
are any readers out there who fancy giving
it a go, we'd be interested to see the
results.
http://www.g4nsj.co.uk/sstv.shtml
>> Chinese melon carving <<
If you're anal enough to read the credits
on B3ta, you'll know the newsletter letter
is mostly written by Rob (me) and Dave. Well,
Dave is away this week (buying sex shoes
in New York for his fancy Doctor woman).
Anyway, he's the chap who likes sticking
in arty links, and this fruit-art is one of his.
Fuck knows what I can say about it, as
"ooh can't I make pretty?" stuff bores me
to tears. Enjoy.
http://www.americade.info/melons1.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Puppies V Kittens
The debate rages. Bums or tits? Wanking or
spanners? Tony or those other two? We all know
the only question that discerning readers
are asking is... Puppies or kittens?
Here's the puppies:
http://www.mytoller.net/photos/tollerbay/6w_misc.h...
Here's the kittens.
http://www.sirucats.com/
You do the maths. Shit. Why can't we have a SMS
PopIdol-style vote on this? We'd make a cocking
fortune! (And with the TV special we might get
a chance to do Tess Daly up the wrong-un.)
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK - II
Things that made you cry
There's some sad, sad stories told here. But
you are reading the newsletter for some laughs
on a Friday, so here's some of the funnier ones:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crybabies/
* Priorities...
"I had to inform a lady that we could not
revive her husband of 62 years. I sat with her
and consoled her as best I could. "You must
have loved him very much", I asked. Through
a torrent of tears and uncontrollable sobbing
she replied, "To be honest he was a mean and
vicious bastard - always hitting me and not
a gentleman in the bedroom at all. I grew to
hate him." Some of what she told me beggared
belief. Saddened as I was, I maintained my
professional composure and relative detachment
as best I could... It was whilst I was walking
back to my ambulance that I failed to notice
the concrete kerbing, tripped and impacted my
knee on a jagged rock, somehow also twisting
my scrotum as I fell... Now _that_ brought the
tears to my eyes." (emadex)
* Chilli
"New bird, invited her over for dinner, cook my
patent veggie fajitas, featuring nice fresh
chillis. Decide to grab a quick shower so as
to be all sparklin' on the off chance she gets
drunk enough to sleep with me. Now then - we
all know chaps should never go out with a loaded
gun if there's the slightest chance of knocking
boots, don't we? 30 seconds in... all it's like
the RAF has called in half a dozen napalm strikes
onto my bellend. Cry? Nearly fucking shat myself
the pain was so bad. Cue an excruciating evening
of crossed legs, wincing, watering eyes and
constant trips to the bog to dip my cock in a
sink of cold water." (Grouch)
* Sandwich
"The last time I cried was Sunday when I spent
almost 15 minutes making a perfect sandwich, then,
as I was walking into the living room, I tripped
over my cat and my sandwich went all over the
floor and my fucking cat started eating it."
(Kerflabjeje)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your holiday stories. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Accident Waiting to Happen'
Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Two weeks ago we wanted you to show us stuff
guaranteed to end in tragedy and disaster.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/accident/
We asked b3ta boarder Maiden to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Maiden writes -
#1 Pissed-off Stormtrooper - This is b3ta comedy
at it's best, albeit a repost it's a worthy
one simply because it features Stormtroopers
and Lord Vader in a slapstick situation, one
simply couldn't ask for more. (Manic)
http://b3ta.com/board/4471450
#2 Comedy Offices - Smallbrainfield has hummus
coming out of his ears and I hate him for it.
If there was ever a pratfall/slapstick/
accident waiting to happen situation then
he's encapsulated the lot in one office block.
(Smallbrainfield)
http://b3ta.com/board/4482433
#3 Angry Bees - Anybody who keeps angry bees
next to the jam is just asking for trouble,
surely angry bees belong in the fridge or
next to the angry hornets. Haha
http://b3ta.com/board/4476658
As seems fitting with challenge judging
tradition a special mention goes out to JimmerUK
for his twist upon an old classic meme, very
stylishly handled although perhaps a little
unreal as there is no parts of a bridge visible.
http://b3ta.com/board/4516179
Results from the 'Space Monkey' Challenge
Last week, we wanted you to show us the exciting
lives and adventures of Nasa's space monkeys.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spacemonkeys/
We asked b3ta boarder Dave The Hat to judge this
time - here are his 3 faves.
Dave writes -
#1 Star Man-drill - Hummus, Top-shoppery and a
crap pun. Great! (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4524579
#2 Emergency on the planet of the Giant Bananas -
Excellent animation, backgrounds and shadows.
Oh! and banana is a alien! (Quelabra)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4534448
#3 No wonder they're so red - I had a last minute
mind change for this. Just great animation and
hummus!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4536365
Honorary mention to Greblord for his Tip-top
Vader Shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4532619
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Reckless_Rik gave us
the suggestion, "Crappy Movie Merchandise"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviemerchandise/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* APACHE MAN NAMED - we featured a mustached
Dane playing a disco version of The Shadows'
Apache. The Danish press has been going
mental for it, tracking down the culprit
to 70s Eurovision Song Contest contestant
Tommy Seebach, with TV2 Nettavisen describing
his performance as "probably the worst music
video of the 70s." A difficult choice as no
one made a good pop video until Ultravox's
Vienna.
* COFFEE COCKS - we asked you to draw penises
in poncey latte froth, and MrLipring gushes,
"I got my girlfriend - who works in a coffee
shop/web cafe - make a latte art thing of a
cock. She did a sterling job, and there's
even a little jet of spunk." Woo. Our kind
of lady.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrlipring/8857633/
* CILLIT BANGED TO RIGHTS - we recently revealed
that hardcore cleaning sensation Cillit Bang
wasn't quite as effective on coins as the
adverts would have you believe. The ad has
been pulled for being "oversimplified"
by the Advertising Standards Agency after
26 complaints. Re-live the magic via
the remix.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-ban...
* BLACKED-UP STARS IN THEIR EYES - a full
mailbox from our Australian cousins,
Johnny_Twosprouts jabbers, "ten years ago,
there was a Asian guy who did a cracking Tom
Jones complete with a Nunchuka demonstration."
whilst djkl buts in, "it's called Star Struck
here, has completely tanked, complete with a
blonde old white slapper done up as Tina Turner
circa Mad Max 3 Beyond Thunderdome, and a
Polynesian bloke covered in chocolate to do
Barry White." Ripper. Those dingo-gobblers
sure know how to do TV.
* TREE FUCKER, FOUND - xtine confesses, "I wanted
to thank you for putting the link to the
registered sex offenders. I found out that a man
who lives on the street behind me was convicted
of crimes against nature. I think I will move
before I see some random dude humping a tree
in my back yard. Thanks B3ta." Yay. Now set
a honey-trap using a provocative young sapling
in a mini-skirt.
* MORE NOKIA SMS GAMES - Cts texts with his
over-large thumb, "with predictive text turned on,
write coal. Now for the fun bit - press the
asterisk button to change the word. Now press it
again." Ha ha. We like this.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Meow busters
It's raining kittens in this game'n'watch-esque
test of reflexes. What at first seems like
innocent fun soon shows its true colours as you
are rewarded with broken paws and kitten viscera
if you fail to stop the plummeting felines
gravity challenged fate.
http://www.mousebreaker.com/games/mmeoww/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SELLOTAPE MAN - cover your entire body in
tape. Take lots of photos. Especially of your
raw skin afterwards.
* NIPPLE COCKS - made from foam-filled cloth
with a ball-bearing for weight. Attach to
sleeveless shirt, for spiny gay club dancing.
Video required for this.
* USB BARBIE - the head pulls off to make
a memory stick. We just like the idea of her
dismembered head poking out the side of a
PC.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
some help from Mike and Ben.
Links sent in by tom jeffs, rouadec,
chrispickford, moogman, Olembe, loony_toon666,
nstokeo, Arksworld, Mobius, Kate Factorial,
giro_1, flobble_1, zen22568, Lawrence Cooke,
black moon, ralfschnabel1, and Barnaclese.
Top Tippery by Ben Wheatley.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the b4ta. With notepad.
(101814 - 24551)
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TOP TIP:
Upgrade your NTL broadband connection from
750k to 2mb by simply phoning them up and
asking them to turn it on. They've got a
free upgrade thing and they've been keeping
it secret. The cunts.
