NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 180: "SKIVE OFF WORK SPECIAL"
This Week:
* HACKS - USB Barbie
* VID - Crap northern eggs
* NSFW - Hook-wanking
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 180 - 6 May 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue180/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SKIVING SPECIAL
Skiving. We all love it. This week we conducted
a huge fuck-off survey into your bunking-off habits.
Your tips and suggestions for a successful doss
pepper this newsletter like sweetcorn in a turd.
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SKIVING TIP: Sleepy pencil trick.
Empty a packet of pencils on the floor and
have a nice sleep, making sure your head is
placed behind the door. On been woken by your
boss bashing your head, simply look flustered
and say you were "picking up pencils."
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Eggs, Blu-Tac & USB Barbie
>> Crap northern egg stunt <<
Feeding our prejudices about northern folk;
that they live in Coronation Street, keep
coal in the bath and speak like George
Formby - Asthesunsetz brings you this animation
of a foolhardy little egg and his scooter-based
misadventures. It'll put a smile on the
most cynical face.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/scoot.htm
>> Blue-Tac snuff movie <<
"I've made a blue movie," boasts Toby, "it stars
one man and his penis." Blimey. It's like Tony
Hart meets Ron Jeremy. We're impressed but a
little confused.
http://snipurl.com/lightblue
>> USB Barbie <<
We recently suggested combining teeny glamour
dolls and affordable data storage capabilities
by making a USB Barbie. Cody listened and we
clapped with mongy joy. Hopefully Mattel should
have this disturbing wonder in the shops for
Christmas.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4577623
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SKIVING TIP: Mental illness
Trying to kill yourself and getting sectioned
is still an effective method of skiving.
(Reader Gandylion hasn't worked for almost
two years now, and urges you all to give it
a go.)
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: MY CATHETER OVERFLOWETH
it's funny names corner
Each week we complain we hate this feature,
but we run it anyway. Because YOU love it.
And we love you. Sort of.
>> Ass Transport <<
An Estonian reader (who surprisingly isn't
in the UK and cleaning our toilets) writes,
"Ass Transport is a real company in Estonia.
Oddly enough 'ass' does not mean anything
in Estonian."
http://snipurl.com/asstransport
>> Big Norwegian Cunts <<
Following on with multi-lingual misunderstandings
Luke reports, "I used to live in Oslo, and one
day was delighted to see an English store-fitter's
van driving through Sentrum (Oxford St equiv.),
with the words 'STORE FITTER' writ large on the
side of his van. Which translates into Norwegian
as 'Big Cunts'."
>> Peter Fillier <<
"I recently got buggered by the tax man", winces
Amzphotos, "and the name of the chap I had
to deal with? Peter Fillier." He he. Reminds
us of some crappy old nerd joke about PDF files.
>> Mustafa Bumin <<
We're steering well clear of this Turkish
gentleman whose name suggests a taste for
Greek love.
http://www.anayasa.gov.tr/album/baskan01.htm
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SKIVING TIP: Reading in the bog
A newspaper can be smuggled safely into the
work toilets, tucked inside your sock like a
shin-pad.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Squirrel nutter <<
We all know a middle-aged woman who's obsessed
with cats and thinks they are her babies.
Demented Dolly Parton-lookalike Kelly Foxton
has a similar and equally unhealthy relationship
with her pet squirrel "Sugar Bush". She dresses
him up in all kinds of stupid outfits - like
Beatrix Potter for white trash. What makes
this site especially disturbing is the stab
at topicality, with tributes to 911, the
war in Iraq and Tsunami victims. Bleh.
http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/index.html
>> Homo-erotic book covers <<
Oh to be working in the 1950s: graphic artists
could put pure filth on a book-jacket and plead
innocence. Yay to internet legend Maddox for
an amusing write-up too.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi
>> Vomiting news reader <<
"I heard this on Sydney radio last week",
splutters Joseph, "and thought you might like it.
We have to salute this radio newsreader who
gamely continues trying to broadcast, whilst
vomiting copiously and obviously. It's the
little noises at the back of the throat that
got to us.
http://www.crikey.com.au/images/2005/04/28-10E3PDY...
>> Advertising that winds you up <<
Maybe a little dry for some of our readers,
but we spent a happy afternoon reading these
Advertising Standards Association case studies
on the campaigns that caused complaints. Crazy
Frog is there - but sadly they couldn't ban him.
http://www.asa.org.uk/asa/focus/case_studies/
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SKIVING TIP: Gameboy case-mod.
Place your Gameboy inside an old calculator
case. (Reader HelloCoco recently finished
Wario Land 2 looking like he was doing
hard sums.)
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: VIDEO BOLLOCKS
Big fire, Robot cat & arty toss
>> Arson around <<
These silly boys should have known better than
to pour about 5 gallons of petrol on to a huge
bonfire made of very dry wood. The results are
impressive to say the least, though we're not
sure about the Hasselhoff-meets-Bowie backing
music.
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/bonfireblowup.htm...
>> Nasty Japanese robot cat <<
Remember the rubbish animatronic cat in
Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Well, the one in
this advert is from Japan, even less life-
like and a lot more sinister. We know if we
gave one to Rocky the B3ta cat he would try
to fuck it, before tearing it limb from limb.
http://www.necoro.com/theater/broad/vp.mov
>> Title sequence cut-ups <<
Strictly for the film nerds, this video
squashes thousands of film titles into a
short video to help you choose what to view
this evening. Utterly unwatchable, but if
you wait for it to load and then move the
frame head backwards and forwards the material
is rather fascinating. Boy, didn't Hollywood
make a lot of shit films.
http://www.cuechamp.com/working_title.htm
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SKIVING TIP: Read an e-book.
Download the classic of your choice from
Project Gutenburg, paste it into word or a new
email & pretend you are writing a letter.
(Contributor Tinkerty Tonk has just finished
reading Code of the Woosters.)
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: NSFW CORNER
What we've been fwapping to this week
>> Abu Hamza's favourite website <<
Just because your hands have been replaced
with hooks doesn't mean you can't enjoy
yourself. A truly inspirational site and let's
hope the warders at Belmarsh Prison will be
showing it old Hooky himself. Hook!
http://snipurl.com/epi2
>> Dermot O'Leary - the future <<
Taking over from goatse as the number 1 image
to repel your mates with is Lemon Party, a
charming trio of old gentlemen orally satisfying
each other. Not sure how it ended up associated
with chirpy British TV host Dermot, maybe he
can get in touch and tell us. This link will
certainly be doing the rounds in TV production
circles this week.
http://www.dermotoleary.co.uk/
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SKIVING TIP: Become a priest
You can simply close your eyes and skive. If
anyone asks you what you're doing, tell them
you're having a pray. (Thanks to B3ta Priest
Fr_Jerry_McGwier for this, who also points
out that he doesn't even believe in God.)
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: WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING THIS WEEK
Clown forum
Messageboards are a great place to peer into
another world. This week we've been loving the
clown forum, which brings us a flavour of life
outside the Big Top. GiGi's husband bought her
a unicycle - as you do if the wife's a clown,
while Sally Jo got everyone talking when she
suggested that clowns should break with
tradition and wear less make-up.
http://www.clown-forum.com/forum-1.html
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SKIVING TIP: Lunch run
Get lunch for people in the office. Everyone
thinks you are being really helpful and you
get a hour off wandering around the shops.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Little cheetahs vs Japanese babies
We loved these infant cheetahs with their Don
King hairdos and strangely solemn expressions.
We want to hug them - though we'd probably
end up in hospital if we did.
http://cheetahs-rock.de/gallery.htm
Probably one for the ladies (or the paedos) but
even the most bitter and twisted among you
couldn't fail to find these pictures cute. Yay
for kids with pots stuck on their heads.
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/japanese-babies...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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SKIVING TIP: Rendering
Anyone who works in 3D animation and film
production knows this trick. Stick your
computer on render at 10 in the morning and
complain all day, "I really need to be
getting on with stuff but my PC is busy"
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Mysteries of the Universe'
Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to explain all the
stuff that goes on everywhere.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mysteries/
We asked B3ta boarder Beau Bo d'Or judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Beau writes -
#1 "How gravity works - Just damn clever and
childishly standout funny.
(the hedgehog can never be buggered at all)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4570096
#2 "She was just an ordinary girl - A different
angle on one of the most famously different
angles of internet history.
(The Sunshine Elephant)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4573913
#3 "The Eater of Socks - Class, that is all,
well no (not really). Let's all get together
and give this person some colour pencils.
Then we can all sue him when he gets famous
using our gear. (NobbyNobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4580905
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Kna gave us
the suggestion, "18 Certificate films remade
for children"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/18toU/
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SKIVING TIP: The Dole
Visiting the Job Centre for 5 minutes every
fortnight works out at about a grand an hour,
do the maths, and you don't even have to wear
a tie.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Cloud game, Scary vag nonsense
>> Jumpy cloud game <<
"I've made little game," mumbles Quiet Phil,
"for my band's website." Woo. Imaginative
gameplay here - plan is to leap high and race
the little bunny to the sky, whilst avoiding
evil thunder clouds.
http://www.zebedeenumchuck.co.uk/games/game1.html
>> Scary vag sponge scam <<
Remember Birdparty? We recently linked to her
winding up perverts using dating websites.
She writes, "Our latest is a string of emails
with the makers of a contraceptive sponge."
The joy is in her descriptions of her unsavoury
afflictions, and the PR's persistent desire to
get her on telly to promote the vile product.
http://snipurl.com/spongeworthy
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SKIVING TIP: Diarrhoea
If you work in a food environment, a complaint
of diarrhoea will make your boss send you home
in a hurry. What? You don't have diarrhoea?
They don't know that. And they never will.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Petty Sabotage
We're interested in those small acts of random
malice that make life worth living, such as the
time when we put magnets on our brother's
collection of ZX81 cassettes, so when he
attempted to play them they were full of
errors and yet apparently undamaged.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pettysabotage/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EXPRESSIONLESS GIRL - last week we linked to
a series of photos of a young lady whose
expression never changed. Many of you were
disappointed as the site went down shortly
afterwards. Thanks to B3ta reader markta
who grabbed the pics and stuck them into a
video loop which really makes the point
about how bloody odd these images really
are:
http://snipurl.com/expressionlessgirl
* THICK READERS - adam writes, "I am currently
in Australia and today took a trip to Steve
Irwin's zoo. On hearing that there would be
Koala bears there I remembered my new-found
knowledge about them that I gleaned from
B3ta's question of the week a few weeks back,
and attempted to impress the zoo keeper with
the fact of they explode if left on their own.
He pissed himself laughing." Doh!
* B3TA OWNS GOOGLE - YOUR RESULTS
#5 wanking off a hippo
#4 david blunkett having sex with a little lamb
#2 ainsley harriott sucking off the pope
#2 mong
#1 zoos are basically giant brothels
Yay. Enough of this now. You've proved your
point.
* FUNNY NAMES UPDATE - Ally_Baby got in touch
to point out that the Turkish company ARCELIK
is owned by the KOC HOLDING GROUP. You couldn't
make it up.
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SKIVING TIP: Corner desk
The easy way to skive: Obtain desk in a corner
and point monitor away from colleagues. Cocky
readers might even like to surf porn in a
crowded office.
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: GAME OF THE WEEK
Bill Cosby - murderer
Obviously we've been watching the wrong news
channels and haven't caught the stories of
one-time TV star Cosby and his murderous ways.
Re-live the action in this depraved game of
tempting young ladies with pudding, whacking
them with a camera and burying them in a pit.
Wonderful entertainment.
http://snipurl.com/cosby
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* VIDEO PHONE MUGGINGS - a friend of ours
was recently mugged and and then filmed
with a 3G phone by a gang of yobs in South
London. If you've mugged anyone recently
then send us the clips.
* MANUFACTURERS TO SEND US FREE STUFF -
the makers of Tetris Tower 3D got in
touch after last weeks mention and sent
us a free one. We still haven't worked out
how to play it, but it makes a very nice
ornament for our nerd centre. Maybe the
people who make the robo kitten fancy
sticking one in the post?
* REVOLT US - are you more goat than goatse?
DO you put the lemon in the party? Maybe
you shit on tub girl. Trained operatives
are waiting for your email.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Lucy Reese and help from David Stevenson.
Links sent in by kk, mitcheson, paul, Naomi,
Frankie Pigeon, AndMcC, Barnaclese, Sooz,
oceanhippie, fred.fenster, pantherwest, tom,
mrlipring and the lovely scott.r.anderson
Top Tippery by me.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the massive b4ta mpegs.
(101998 - 25395)
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TOP TIP:
Don't waste your cash on expensive Athlete's Foot
remedies. Simple Cillit Bang works just as well
in killing the fungus that causes the rot.
