NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 187: "THAT'S NOT A BABY. IT'S A WOLF!"
This Week:
* STUNT - Will "Wolf boy" win Baby The Of Year?
* ANIM - Cocks from Space
* VIDEO - Tom Cruise kills Oprah
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 187 - 24 Jun 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue187/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Wolf boy & cocks from space
>> Wolf boy of the year <<
"I've entered my local newspapers Baby of the
Year competition", writes CCC, "with my
photoshopped son, Juanzo - well, blow me...they
printed it today." Huzzah! We're giggling like
loons. We also want you, dear readers, to vote
for him so CCC can win the coveted "bronze foot"
prize.
http://www.voteforjuanzo.blogspot.com/
>> Cocks from space <<
"It's my parody take on the whole War of the
Worlds thing happening at the moment.",
shouts Koit, "What can I say ? - I'm immature."
Yes. Koit is. And that's why we love you.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/willies.h...
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: READERS EMAILS
Amazon error
Ben writes -
"This is a mail I got from Amazon...
"Dear Customer,
"We are sorry to report that the following item
has been delayed.
"Jim Carroll, Rick Broadhead "Selling Online:
How to Become a Successful E-commerce Merchant
"Our current estimate is that it will take
an additional 4-6 weeks to obtain this item
for you."
Ha! Made us laugh anyway.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
There was no need for that...
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for incidents in which insult
had been added to injury:
http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/
#1 "I had just traumatically split up with my
boyfriend of 4 years. To give us both a bit
of space, I went to meet my Mum and Dad at
their local hoping for some tender loving care.
The 'rents were fine, but the family dog got
a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at
my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline
of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it
down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at
large. There was no need for that. There was
also no need for my Mum and Dad to burst out
laughing, thereby drawing attention to my
deperate attempts to put myself away. There
was certainly no need for the pensioner in
the corner to raise his glass to me and doff
his cap..." (clapper)
#2 "My dad and his mates on the way back from the
pub saw a hiker in a nearby field gripping
onto a pylon and shaking like a shitting dog.
The horror slowly dawned on them - quick as pissed
lightening, my dad's mate Steve yelled 'I know
what to do here - stay back!', wrenched a big
fuck-off plank from a nearby fence, ran over
and brought it down as hard as he could on the
guy's outstretched, pylon-clutching arm. The result
was a blood-curdling scream, a shattered humerus,
and Steve having to explain to the police why
he'd smashed the arm of a radio mast engineer
who'd stepped in a massive cow pat whilst
crossing the field and had been innocently
leaning on the tethering cable trying to shake
the worst of it off his welly." (grey kid)
#3 "I was 14 and was rushed to hospital with a burst
appendix and acute peritonitis. With my mum sat by
the bed, a nurse put the curtains round and handed
me a (small) bowl of shaving foam and a razor.
"What's that for?" I asked in my weakened state.
"I need to shave your pubic hair before the
operation," she replied, before lifting up the
hospital gown, looking for a minute, considering,
then saying "Actually, I think you'll be OK as
you are." Great, I'm actually at death's door and
I've just been informed I'm underdeveloped. While
my mum is in the room, sat right next to me. Nurses,
next time some kid is in your ward and might not
make it, don't give him a puberty complex as his
last living memory." (Wascally Weasel)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell what you are an expert in.
We know all about the drinking and wanking - we
are much more interested in the tedious things
you know far too much about. Talk to us in a
continuous monotone here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/experts/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Fuck Japan <<
Kids drawings - so cute. This bunch of adorable
little Korean tykes has done little paintings
of how just much they hate Japan. Generally,
this seems to hinge on bombs, but there is a
fair helping of gigantic turds in there too.
Just lovely. And they're proudly displayed on
a subway wall.
http://uqmgp.hp.infoseek.co.jp/
>> Inspired product endorsement <<
"The bike folds, it's metal thing that bends,
who bends metal things?" You can practically see
the wheels turning in the ad execs' heads. We can
only salute them for getting Uri Geller. Given
the bending theme though, we can only wonder that
David Beckham wasn't asked...
http://www.uribike.com/
>> Shopping list confidential <<
Perhaps you'll think twice about throwing away
your shopping list after you've finished with it.
This bloke collects them, scans them and sticks
them on the web with his comments. We like the
peculiar little insights he has into peoples'
lives, particularly when it comes to washing.
http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shoppinglists/
>> Tom Cruise kills Oprah <<
What appears to be actual footage of rogue actor
Tom Cruise using his cruel, Scientology-derived
powers to destroy Oprah Winfrey. Yes, the special
effects really are that convincing.
http://waxy.org/random/video/Tom_Cruise_Kills_Opra...
>> Curious nerd see-saw <<
This one is hard to describe - a chap (almost
certainly Dutch) has rigged up a contraption
with a lever and counterweights so he can move
about like he's on the moon, but looks like
he's about to be bummed by a robot. For that
reason alone we want one for ourselves.
http://www.willemderks.com/oooms/agm.mov
>> Funny cloud corner <<
Mammatus clouds: What a curious thing they are.
Hanging, bulgily in the sky, looking like
nothing so much as God's piles. Mammatus cloud
fact: If you are looking at them, it may well mean
you've just had a tornado. Something to bear in
mind, UK readers.
http://snipurl.com/godspiles
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
penguin and poorly mouse
Extrovert penguin - dancing up and down with
delight. He can barely wait to play in the
snow.
http://snipurl.com/extrovertpenguin
So what's cuter than cute? Cute with a broken
leg of course. Aww... the little kangaroo mouse.
http://www.pbase.com/image/13325548
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Celebrity Pets' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us celebrities
and their pets
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritypets/
We asked b3ta boarder giant_squid to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
giant_squid writes -
#1 "The Beatles' Dogs - See how the nuances
of each Beatle are perfectly captured in
their canine equivalents, and take a
look at the bonus picture: Queen's pet
spider (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4797629
#2 "Blessed headswaps - Headswaps were the
order of the day in this week's competition,
but few were as effective as these evocations
of what must surely be the loudest ape
and cat on the planet respectively, so
a joint second place it is!
(Oboklob and WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783677
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783774
#3 "Calista Flockhart's Parrot - With joint
2nd I suppose it's actually 4th, but
a simple yet humorous picture of an
emaciated bird... and her pet parrot.
Boom! Boom! (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783723
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta fuhrer Rob asked us to come
up with ideas for the b3ta 404 page. We'll
take the best ideas and put them on the real
page. Woo!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/404challenge/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Scary pencil drawings / How to make Ginger Beer
>> Scary pencil drawings <<
"I need people to send me interesting names to
play with", demands Kallus, "so I can draw them.
I'm here naked and aroused...." And so we'll
cut off his email her before it gets too
disturbing. But to be honest, that's why we're
sticking this item in. Kallus's art is freaky
and wrong, and looks like the work of the
mentally ill. Enjoy.
http://www.sporetemple.com/thequeue.htm
>> Ginger Beer Recipe <<
"It's summer time and the weather's hot"
beams jonas, "so what could be better than a
nice cool refreshing glass of ginger beer?
Nothing that's what. So I made some." Woo.
It had never occurred to us that you could
actually make ginger beer at home, we're
impressed.
http://www.vurt.co.uk/Articles/GingerBeer.html
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HOME-MADE 'DAS KEYBOARD' - a few weeks ago we
featured a keyboard with no markings - meant
for uber-nerds to confuse the uninitiated.
FuntingCoggles was inspired to build his own
- strictly on the cheap. He's actually
rearranged the keys and tried to make rude
words. That ought to do it.
http://nake-d.com/keyboard/
* ORIGAMI YODA - we called for people to make
one and the lovely Hidden Dragon has obliged
us. It looks like it was very hard to do.
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a221/Firefrog/f9...
* IS IT JUST US that sing improvisational songs
when we open our favourite websites? we asked
our readers. Jess Ausculture replies, "Sadly no.
I've spent the last two weeks singing 'Ain't no
party like a Technorati.'" Hee hee, and now we
will too.
* FUNNY WORDS - thedog tells us that in Neil
Simon's play, The Sunshine Boys, Willy, a main
character, gives his nephew a lecture about
comedy:
"Fifty-seven years in this business, you learn
a few things. You know what words are funny and
which words are not funny. Alka Seltzer is funny.
You say "Alka Seltzer" you get a laugh... Words
with "k" in them are funny. Casey Stengel, that's
a funny name. Robert Taylor is not funny. Cupcake
is funny. Tomato is not funny. Cookie is funny.
Cucumber is funny. Car keys. Cleveland...
Cleveland is funny. Maryland is not funny. Then,
there's chicken. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny."
"K sounds are good because they comfort us and
we associate them with childhood... cuddle, cosy,
cootchie coo (k sounds). When public speaking or
telling jokes the more K sounds you use the
more the audience warms to you."
Therefore 'sword', 'salamander' and 'pumpkin'.
Only one is funny: 'Pumpkin.'
* GAY DOG RETRACTION - stupid_american_chick is
sad that we called her dog gay in Issue 185.
He is still in the closet to you then - that's
very sad.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NEW RESTAURANT - the pick-your-own-lobster
deal at the nicer restaurants needs to be
extended to encompass more animals. Lamb,
for example.
* CAFEPRESS OF RINGTONES - why doesn't someone
set up a site where small website owners can
upload their own ringtones and wallpapers
and flog them on phones? Yes we know there's
millions of sites who sell tones, but people
don't want to have to go to bloody meetings,
and have stuff approved. They just want to
upload and go. There you go. That's a business
plan for you.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by cat, Dr Frank, rwillmsen, p.hickford,
tcm148 and BiggsteR
Top Tippery by Wat Dabney
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the chirpy b4ta chimps.
(103256 - 26953)
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TOP TIP:
When you're boiling an egg, put some vinegar
(about 10-20ml) in the water. The shell will
become a lot easier to peel.
