NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 189: "DANGER! ELECTRIC SAUSAGE"
This Week:
* FOOD - How to poach an egg
* ANIM - Crap leopard
* HUMAN ZOO - Inflatable face man
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 189 - 08 Jul 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue189/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Poached eggs, stupid leopard & electric sausage
>> How to poach an egg <<
Your ginger fuhrer has been pondering.
"I've been thinking about eggs recently,"
writes Rob. "And there are surprisingly
divergent opinions on how to poach them.
So I put a few methods to the test. It's
the cling film one that really surprises."
For egg-based controversy, start here.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/
>> New Rathergood thing <<
Joely Joel has been a busy puppy recently,
writing and recording material for his
ska band, 7 Seconds of Love. As he said
to us the other day, "I can't fucking
wait to be a pop star and knock all this
web bollocks on the head." Anyway, here's
a track he's made without the band, and
it's top. A charming little thing about
a crap leopard, possibly in the style
of Harry Belafonte.
http://www.rathergood.com/looking/
>> Danger! Electric sausage <<
"When at school in physics," claims Benyeats,
"the rumour always went that if you put mains
voltage across a sausage, the current passing
through would cause it to cook. Twelve years
later we tried it in my back garden. The
theory was that, as it cooked, it dried out,
thus increasing in resistance. So, when it
was no longer conducting, it would be ready to
eat." As you can see, the results are a little
different to the myth. But they show promise.
http://www.putfile.com/media.php
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: FACT BREAK
Are you aware that all top restaurants in
London have a vial of semen in the fridge?
It's for just in case Michael Winner comes
to dine and the chef can't get wood.
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: B3TA HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE
Tattoo craze sweeps nation... slowly
First Zog had our 'Furtive Bear' logo tattooed
on his wrist, then Kitteny Berk inked 'The
Fear' on his leg, and now Wildheart Baby has
daubed an 'Is It Real?' pic on his arm.
Frankly, there is a level of in-jokery in this
that we can't be arsed to explain to more
casual readers who don't frequent our message
board. Google it if you're curious.
Anyway, don't try this at home kids. Or, if
you do, make sure you send in the photos.
http://home.thirdage.com/Humor/wildheartbaby2/sac....
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: PUSHING DRAWING PINS INTO OUR JAPSEYES
It's funny names corner
Each week Rob and Dave look at about 500 links
you've sent in as submissions for the
newsletter. To be honest it's knackering
and we only survive via copious amounts of
drink and hard rock.
Why do we tell you this? We want to communicate
the physical pain of reading the funny names
corner suggestions.
And still - still - there's a couple that bring
a grin to our jaded lips.
This week we've got "Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck."
It had to be 'Reinhardt Adolfo' - 'Barry'
Fuck just wouldn't cut it.
http://www.unb.br/ig/prof/ReinhardtAdolfoFuck.htm#english
Bringing up the rear, we bring you engineers
"Cumming Cockburn Limited". It's the double
whammy of the cock and cum that scores the points.
http://www.ccl-london.com/intro.html
And finally, a number of readers have pointed
out there are a few more organisations rejoicing
in the name SCAT, other than last week's
governmental sector agency, S-Cat. These
include South Coast Area Transit, and Somerset
College of Arts and Technology.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Hidden treasure
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked what hidden treasures you'd
found over the years:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hiddentreasure/
Most of them seemed to involve either porn or
poo, apart from these three:
* New house in London with uni mates
"The three of us arrive and immediately find
an electric typewriter, instantly claimed by
flatmate #1. In the back garden: a slightly
rusted but repairable mountain bike, swiftly
possessed by flatmate #2. To agreement all
round, the next thing would be mine. We search
the house. Nothing in the kitchen, lounge,
bathroom, master bedroom, my bedroom, third
bedroom... How about that tiny box room over
the stairs? Opened the door to a looooong
silence from us all, then "Open it." "No,
you open it." etc... Eventually I opened it,
found it empty, put shelves in and still use
it to this day. What was it? An honest-to-god
satin-lined six-foot oak coffin. (pstafallen)
* Sicilian Videos
"Staying in a rented villa in the north of
Sicily, I was rummaging around in the attic
and stumbled upon a large cardboard box full
of unlabelled videos. "Huzzah, the greatest
trove of nasty Mediterranean smut imaginable,"
I thought. This was not to be the case. It
was a large collection of David Hasselhoff
videos. Concerts, TV Interviews etc. Not
best pleased I can tell you." (A bit Manchester)
* My Attic
"Inspired by this week's question having just
moved into a new house, I decided to go and
have a look in the attic. My house has high
ceilings, I'm not very tall, and I don't own
a stepladder. My desk from the next room wasn't
high enough, so I fetched my stool and put that
on the desk. Still not high enough. I went
downstairs and fetched a chair and put that on
top. Wobbling, I struggled to push the trapdoor
up, stuck my head through, shone my torch around
excitedly and found... ...absolutely fuck all.
Then I fell off the furniture mountain as I was
trying to climb down and banged my head on the
bed. Thanks B3ta." (PacheyPie)
>> This Week's Question <<
Do your bit to promote international camaraderie.
Tell us your stupid tourist stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidtourists/
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: ANIMAL NASTIES
You don't think they're so cute now, do you?
>> Baby blackbird project <<
"My workmate Jason recently became mother to some
baby blackbirds, after accidentally disturbing
their nest," cheeps Dr-Mx. Not only does this
guy hatch the eggs, but then sits up and feeds
them cat food off a screwdriver. All we can say
to that is blimey - baby blackbirds are quite the
most repulsive things we have ever seen.
http://www.reptilecrazy.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.as...
>> Ugly ugly ugly dog <<
It takes a lot to get the b3ta seal of munterdom.
So feast your eyes and rest assured that this is
the unsightliest dog we could ever wish you to see.
He looks like an extra from a horror film. An 80s
horror film.
http://pub.tv2.no/nettavisen/skraablikk/article417...
>> Dead dove party <<
Two little boys helping the celebrations for
Children's Day. At the peak of the event they
release a dove to soar away gracefully into the
sunny Russian skies. Er, unfortunately their
white-knuckled stress grip doesn't leave the
bird feeling much like flying...
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/flybird.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Angry, naked, Chinese <<
Harsh but funny photo gallery. Chap took a
camera out to a local make-out spot. Cue lots
of people caught shagging in their cars. The
startled looks on their guilty, sex-loving
faces are priceless.
http://fashionplace.ru/lj/china_sex.htm
>> Bohemian Rhapsody photo story <<
Extraordinary drama as girl acts out the lyrics
to Queen's pomp-rock classic. Particularly like
the whole "Galileo Galileo" bit - but then again,
who doesn't?
http://www.livejournal.com/community/heavenly_dork...
>> Signage sabotage <<
Great bit of creative vandalism, as a bunch of
giggling blokes scramble the letters on a
garage display board to show an entirely different
kind of message. Their gleeful tittering is
really what makes this so good.
http://www.dandobi.com/signs.htm
>> Doberman disguise kit <<
Sick and tired of your poor pooch getting evils
off people who suspect him of being a canine
killing-machine? This handy package contains
all you'll need to pass him off as a harmless
show-poodle. Warning: Usage may possibly give
your dog a gender identity crisis.
http://www.attackchi.org.au/kits.htm
>> Smooth-face kids <<
Rather disturbing series of images of child
beauty pageant contestants. Freakily, they've
been absolutely airbrushed to death - to the
point that they look almost like peculiar
dolls. Brr. Nasty.
http://angelswithattitude.faithweb.com/photo.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby caracal
Little kitten, big ears - so cute! Ignore the
fact that when he's grown up he would eat you
as soon as look at you. Well, okay, he would
if you were a bird, rodent or small mammal.
http://www.gh.wits.ac.za/ecm21/gallery/Caracal-kit...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Inflatable face man
"I am the only person in the world to do this!!"
is the proud boast of Jerome Abramovitch. What
he does pump his forehead full of saline, using
needles and a pump of his own invention to
swell his facial features to moon-like
proportions. Yes, Jerome, there is a fucking
good reason you're the only person doing that.
http://www.chapter9photography.com/2005/bio/forehe...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Cold candle tip tested & Pizza prank call
>> Cold candles vs. hot candles <<
We recently ran a top tip informing you that
cooling a candle helps it burn longer due
to miraculous "cold power". RobT has put our
science to the test and proven us
incontrovertibly correct. BTW: If anyone else
wants to test our weekly tips, then please
feel free - send us pics.
http://www.theplaybutton.com/2005/07/07/frozen-can...
>> Pizza robot prank call <<
"We got bored of simply ordering pizza", intones
the_man361, "So we decided to order one using a
digital voice box from our computer. The silly
buggers played along..." The laughs come early
in this long item and the bit with the phone
number made us very happy. Got a bit bored
with the rest though...
http://www.zyk0tik.com/Panther.mp3
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Penguins V Monkeys Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to photoshop an epic
struggle for power between Monkeys and their
flightless waterfowl rivals.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/penquinsvmonkeys/
We asked b3ta boarder oCo to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
oCo writes -
#1 "Penguins win - Superb animation and great
timing. Obviously shows my biased view on
the challenge... go penguins! (spacehog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4833017
#2 "Banana attack - exactly what I thought
would happen if the war was to occur. The
final line makes it for me. (the hedgehog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4841392
#3 "A clear winner - Superb animation and
quality pixel work. The fact that the
monkey produces ammunition from its bottom
is a plus, of course. (Bob Wobbaz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4840662
Finally, a special mention to TopUpTheTea and
paranoiaman, because my missus really liked
these (so did I).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4836512
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4836512
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor doctorwhen gave us
the suggestion, "What if the things grown-ups
tell kids were true?"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/grownupslie/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* VOODOO TROMBONE QUARTET COMPO WINNERS - the
best two entries to the "3G phones are crap"
tiebreaker were Matt Javes with "who really
wants a live full-motion video close-up of
some fucktard's ear?" and Ben Keeton with
"What the hell kind of name is 3G anyway?
Sounds like a constipated fridge." Yay.
Thorpe will send his CD through shortly,
and he also asks us to mention, that "the
live incarnation of the VTQ - a seven-piece,
no less - will be playing at South London
Pacific, Kennington's only Tiki Bar. It's
on Friday 29th July, free before 9pm, £3
before 10pm and £4 after."
http://www.southlondonpacific.com
* ONE-EYE UPDATE - "Just read the bit on
closing an eye when pissing. Did you know that
in order to prevent blinding due to the light
from dropped nukes, the British pilots who
would have been responsible for dropping ze
bomb were issued eye patches? That way, if
it blinded them, they'd casually flick it
over and have one good eye to fly about on."
Fascinating, but we wonder about depth
perception - and aiming.
* SUMMER BURN - Over 1,000 people entered
the CD swaps project. B3ta regular Chthonic
joined in and writes, "A fun experience that
takes me back to when I was a music-obsessed
teenager making mix tapes. On the FunJunkie
boards, one person was saying he'd been sent
19 different cover versions of 'Summertime'.
Which is wonderful and scary at the same time."
* MORE GEEKY SONG IDEAS - "If you right-click
the bar at the bottom of the screen in Windows
XP, you can 'Lock the taskbar! Lock the
taskbar!' (to the tune of 'Rock the Casbah')
Seeing that option causes fits of giggles
every time I see it." (thanks deKay.)
* FURTHER ONE-EYE UPDATE - "So that I could
piss in the dark," confesses Rob Mahon,
"I ended-up doing a 'wonder if' experiment
that worked a bloody treat. Got some
glowy paint stuff - came in a tip-ex bottle
- and I just dotted the skirting boards
on the route to the toilet. I made sure
the edges of walls were daubed to show
the corners, and door handles all had a
hefty dollop on too. With the last
remaining dregs of glowy stuff I made
sure all the light switches had dots on
too, just in case they were needed in
a toilet emergency. Also, I drew a big
circle of glowy stuff on the UNDERNEATH
of the toilet seat. Thus I can tell the
up/down state of the seat, and it gives
me a reasonable aiming point too." Hero.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHICH-ONE-IS-TARQUIN?.COM - get a few hundred
photos of people called Tarquin, pair them
up with photos of people called John, Rob
or Dave. The user has to pick the posho. We'd
find it fun anyway.
* FIFTY QUID GYPSY CHALLENGE - We noticed
a gypsy camp the other day and were wondering
about the Romany practise of cooking up
hedgehogs in clay (hotchi-witchi in the
vernacular). We dared each other to go and
ask them, "Will you cook us up a hedgehog?
We'll give you £50." Well, we chickened it.
Maybe you won't. Remember, we want photos
of the tasty, tasty dish.
* SAUSAGE WIRING - our wurst-burning friends
from earlier in this newsletter mention that
"another experiment we tried was lighting a
bulb using sausage for wiring. It worked,
but the video camera did not." Does anybody
else want to have a crack at this?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Parrot of doom, spazdor,
cmkenny, el-mariachi, syntheology, smoothpete,
weevilstepmother, jerryfriedman, Andy Goodwin,
terry b, The Moop, lcp, camdenguy, Wombatovic
and liamjford for the gherkinator.
Top Tippery by letsprocrastinate.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the rofl b4ta lols.
(103556 - 27291)
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TOP TIP:
Attach a water-hose onto taps easily by cutting
the end at an angle so the hole is actually
larger. Simple really. But oh so effective.
