NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 192: "RE-LAUNCH, B3TA FOOD NEWSLETTER, HOPE YOU LIKE OUR NEW DIRECTION"
This Week:
* FOOD - Garden snail risotto
* MORE FOOD - Unexpected cheese combos
* ENDLESS FOOD - What's in your fridge?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're eating the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ...as part of a calorie
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| controlled diet"
B3ta email 192 - 05 Aug 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue192/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Frasers snail snack & new CCC newspaper hoax
>> Eating garden pests <<
According to the French, if the snail wears his
"horns" high, tomorrow will be fine weather.
According to Fraser, it's dinner time. Our
resident povo gourmet has been gathering slimey
pests from his garden and preparing them for
the pot. BTW: Fraser is organising an African
bushmeat barbecue this weekend (complete with
zebra-burgers) and thank God we're going to
a wedding instead.
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/08/02/garden-snail-ris...
>> Mangled animal newspaper stunt <<
God bless CCC, he clearly does no work in
his office as he's been spoofing his local
papers again. This week's trick - entering
digitally disfigured beasts into a 'cutest
pet' competition. Sadly, he's been rumbled
but the expose article is worth a read, he's
apparently forced the judges to conduct
"forensic tests" on all further entries.
http://www.preciouspetscompetition.blogspot.com
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On having had too many eclairs at an office
party - "I can't handle all this cream, does
anyone want to lick my box out?"
* Phoning tech support about a stuck key
on a keyboard - "I'm having problems with
my colon."
* Upon noticing an unfamiliar name in an email
'Who's Randy?'
Send your accidental quimnuendos to
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Star Wars in Engrish <<
An oldie, but a goodie; this guy got hold of a
Chinese pirate DVD of Revenge of the Sith. The
disc has English subtitles (translated from the
Chinese). Can this really be the same flick?
Can you place the line, "He big in nothing,
important in good elephant"?
http://snipurl.com/ghzc
>> Ketchup crapper <<
Brilliant idea; a nimble robot that whizzes up
across the table and takes a big shit of ketchup
all over your dinner. We like the excessive
snickering all the way through this video. Clearly
the inventors were surprised by the funniness of
their ungainly creation.
http://snipurl.com/catsupcrappervideo
>> Post your fridge <<
We're always quite interested looking at other
peoples' shopping in the supermarket. This takes
things one stage further and lets you look inside
other peoples' fridges. What's the story with the
guy with nothing but fizzy drink, all in neat little
rows? Child molester.
http://fotovanjekoelkast.web-log.nl/
>> Floating cats <<
We're in awe of this amazing high-speed
photography of moggies leaping. They look
like they're in zero-gravity with velcro paws.
We also wish Rocky the b3ta cat would get off
his fat arse and leap for ham.
http://snipurl.com/gojc
>> Misheard circumcision lyric <<
The Finnish version of the Duck Tales theme
sounds very much, to an English-speaker's
ear, like an anti-circumcision song. The joy
of this is that the less likely the lyrics,
the more plausible they seem when you hear the
actual tune. Altogether now, "And Sanskrit
ain't got hoot to say 'bout uncut! Oohh!"
http://uncutohh.ytmnd.com/
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: UNEXPECTED CHEESE COMBOS
How can something so wrong taste so good?
* GORGONZOLA & FROSTIES - Baron Greenback
writes, "One night at uni all we could find to
eat was gorgonzola & Frosties. The taste
sensation was amazing, the only time in my life
I have experienced visuals from something I've
eaten. (what a lie -- ed.)
"Take a small piece of the cheese followed by
a clump of Frosties in the mouth & chew
together - simply divine. Justified by: Milk
is one step away from cheese (you have milk
on Frosties) and Frosties are one step away
from biscuits (you have cheese & biscuits)."
* ALMOST CHEESECAKE - Red-haired umlaut Rob
adds, "Oddly enough, I invented a new dish
the other day: hobnobs + laughing cow cheese
triangles = almost cheesecake. Suprisingly
moreish and almost delicious.
Do you have any unusual food combinations that
you've previously reserved for your private
enjoyment? Please share.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: EAT SHIT AND DIE
It's funny names corner
>> Spanner <<
"An organization dedicated to improving the
quality of life for young people with
developmental disabilities." But it's called
SPANNER. Err, do they actually know that that's
slang word for 'thickie'? Or is it just clever
viral spack-marketing?
http://www.myspanner.com/
>> David Ponce <<
B3ta gives a hearty welcome to the new tech blog
Gizmodo editor, David Ponce. He'll be reviewing
iPods and living off the immoral earnings of
prostitutes. Presumably.
http://snipurl.com/davidponce
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Weird Traditions
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for strange traditions:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdtraditions/
* Xmas Tradition
"I live in a city with a large transient
population of workers. There was a tradition
at one place to pick up and take the biggest
horror to the xmas bash, the winner getting a
prize. One year a new guy chatted up a
pig-in-knickers in a local bar at the start of
December. They were getting on like a house on
fire till he dropped the question of inviting
her to said do, when she decked him and said
"You Cunt, I won it last year." (montyzuma)
* Best tradition ever...
"is the so called "Clausen-Treiben". St Nicolas
Day (Dec 6th) evening young men in our village
dress up in wild costumes made of fur, animals
heads and antlers, wearing large cow bells around
their waist and carrying wooden sticks. After dark
they start roaming the village beating up EVERYONE
they see on the streets. They go from house to
house, ask for a drink (which they usually get)
until they are drunk (which takes quite a while).
It is based on a medieval tradition meant to fight
the ghosts of winter. It is quite a shitty
tradition if you are the one who gets beaten up
though. To give you an idea I've uploaded a photo."
(RedWine)
http://images.b3tan.de/klausen2.jpg
* Military is grand for Tradition...
..."but by the strangest of all the traditions in
my regiment was a decision making process for
cleaning up spent shells when on exercise. We'd
just shot a few thousand rounds between us, with
spent cartidges littering up the shooting bays.
The method of deciding which half of the squad
had to clean them up was simple - all the grunts
would lie on their backs, kick their legs in the
air and the first one to fart would be the team
who got first back to the NAAFI for tea, whilst
the rest would be on their hands and knees for
the best part of an hour picking up spent
ordanance. Happy days...." (Waynster)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the worst prizes
you've won. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crappyprizes/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Power Strike Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us a world
without electricity:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/powerstrike/
We asked b3ta boarder 'Mofaha' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mofaha writes -
#1 "Plasma ball - This was probably the most
original entry in the challenge. It's a
beautifully-made image, but really it's the
idea that wins it for this one. Superb.
(The Coast of Yemen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4952533
#2 "Microsoft Windows - This made me giggle
like a schoolgirl for some reason. I don't
know, there's just something perfect about
Bill as a windows salesman. He looks so
proud and hopeful standing there with his
demonstration model in his hand.
(Samwidge)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4942398
#3 "Doctor Jones - I like bad puns and I cannot
lie. And these really are some bad puns. Plus
the picture's very funny, and the cat is
great. (JoeB)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4946702
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us to
imagine life with Jim Davidson, Britain's top
family entertainer, as Prime Minister:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jimdavidson/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KITTENS WITH AIDS - a comic strip. "Oh noes!
I've got super aids. I'll be dead within a
week" mewed Tumbles.
* 3-PIN RABBITS - PeterJ writes,"Ever wondered
why new electrical gadgets come with a plastic
thing that covers the three pins of the plug
(in the UK)? Put the long (earth) pin-cover
in your mouth, leave the other two outside
and you look like a rabbit. I discovered
this with my children, and planned to send
a photo, but after a bit of playing around we
couldn't find the plastic bit. I expect one
of them swallowed it." Anybody else fancy
risking their childrens' health to provide
us a few moments' amusement on an idle Friday?
* ARABIC PUB ROCK THING - Arabic is read from
right to left. We'd like to see a group of
traditional Arabic musicians tackle a bit of
Quo, by playing the music from right to left.
It would probably sound shit. But, hey, you
never know.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by fredsotheremail, adam_coglan,
ben_dadds, pep, dezh, chetchez, philevans,
Laughing Boy, ozz1lla, Wayland_smithy, muteboy
nattyplatypus, mooreeasyvibe, crayongirl and
Mr Wheatley.
Top Tippery by icklepeach and blattermaus.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the picky b4ta pickles.
(104245 - 27855)
NERD JOKE: What sits on your shoulder and goes
'Pieces of seven'? A parroty error.
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TOP TIP:
If long hair clogs your drain, squirt Veet
(formerly known as Immac) down the plug, leave
for 3 mins and rinse - fixed!
NOT THE TOP TIP:
Fool your mates into thinking you have just
eaten a yummy jam tart, simply by rubbing your
belly and saying "Mmmm, that was a yummy
jam tart."
