NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 193: "THANK GOODNESS FOR AIDS"
This Week:
* CUTE - Best sleepy dog ever
* EGGS - Where babies really come from?
* McDONALDS - Filthy photos
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 193 - 12 Aug 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue193/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Lost online coming to Channel4.com
Channel 4's most exciting online experience to
date is here. To accompany the blockbuster
television series Lost, Channel4.com is
bringing you a whole new perspective on the
show.
Engage with the characters, see their dreams...
discover some of the secrets of Lost.
http://www.channel4.com/lost/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On being accused of filching boyfriend's
Woolworths vouchers for clothes - "If I could
get into a 10 year old girl's jeans I wouldn't
be sat here with you." In a packed family pub.
* Upon entering a famous Leeds gay club and
checking my pocket for cigarettes before handing
my coat in to the cloakroom - "Oooh. There's
more fags in here than I thought"
* On being offered some food by a friend's sexy
mum, replying: "I don't want to eat you out..."
(drops tea on lap and forgets to say "of house
and home")
Keep them coming:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Egg babies <<
Tiny little perfectly-formed babies, encased in
a delicate egg-shell. Yes, absolutely vile is
right. All it needs is one bursting out of its
shell, squealing and covered in slimy mucus.
http://www3.telus.net/camilleallen/camilleallen/id...
>> AIDS! <<
Ever since reading on some random blog, "My
mother hates London, she says it gave my
brother AIDS" we've become obsessed with the
word AIDS. It's a childish trigger we know,
and we're complete idiots of course, but
phrases like "no, I don't like it, it's got
AIDS" or "I don't think it's colic, he's
just got a bit of baby AIDS" are two-a-penny
at B3ta HQ. Hence our infantile enjoyment
of this 1970s advert for a slimming product
called Ayeds. Close enough for us, and the
dialogue is to die for.
http://snipurl.com/weightlossaids
>> JCB song <<
Lovely style animation about getting a ride
in your dad's JCB and causing a traffic jam.
Gently nostalgic and not too bad at all.
http://www.jcbsong.co.uk/jcbvideo.asp
>> Balancing Point <<
The music's relaxing, the camera trickery is
clever - these guys knocked down piles of
stones then reversed the film. Slow start,
but pretty funny when the short guy starts
making like some sort of stone-stacking
magic ninja.
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2677576
>> Celebrity blu-tak <<
Don't know what the brainwave was behind this
little cottage industry. But if you're wanting
a blu tak sculpture of a random celebrity, this
is clearly the premier place for it.
http://search.ebay.co.uk/_W0QQsassZsjoukels
>> McFilth <<
Here's what looks to be a behind-the-counters
expose of the dirt and squalor you get free
when you order a burger from a popular High
Street fast food chain. Frankly, you might
as well eat at home.
http://www.genmay.com/showthread.php
-------------------------------------------------
: WEB DESIGNERS OF THE WEEK
Because all web design is shit
>> River Thames moved <<
FACT: Along the 213-mile long Thames, a body
is retrieved from the river on average every
week. FACT: Your average life expectancy on
falling in the Thames is two minutes. However,
you're in luck, the Thames has now moved. Yay.
http://greenwich2000.com/today/fun-n-fact/thames.h...
>> The Shining school of Web Design <<
Apparently this woman has taken the Jack Torrence
(the Shining) web design class.
http://people.ku.edu/~drevin13/prints/index.html
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sleepy dog
Goth rocker Wayne Hussey once cunningly reworked
the famous aphorism, "let sleeping dogs lie", as
"let sleeping dogs die" with the same sort of
lyrical dexterity that Noel Gallagher used for
changing "Look Back in Anger" to "Don't Look
Back in Anger." Anyway. Here's a cute picture
of a restful pup. Hopefully not owned by Wayne
Hussey. Why, because then he'd be doomed to
never wake. Brrrr.
http://snipurl.com/corgi
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP OF THE CROPS
Innocent messages obscured for merriment
Sky has recently been screening 'Celebrity
Mingers', a charming production where handsome
TV execs point out that our celebrities aren't
quite as pretty as themselves. We particularly
enjoyed this accidental cropping of the title;
our money is on Lisa Tarbuck.
http://www.thehomelessdetective.com/bbcm.jpg
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Konfabulators, James Nesbitt & Soggy biscuit
>> Konfabulator: B3ta image viewer <<
A couple of weeks ago we announced Dave Barton's
lovely Konfabulator widget that allows you to
view B3ta images on your desktop. He's now
updated it so that it can view images directly
from the board and it's quite fantastic.
Right, so first you need to install
Konfabulator.
http://www.konfabulator.com/download
Then you need to run the widget.
http://www.b3ta.com/download/b3ta.widget
>> Buy Pep's pixelly James Nesbitt <<
James Nesbitt is a smug-faced UK actor, most
famed for appearing in adverts for a distinctly
broadband service. B3ta's official designer,
Pep, was recently commissioned to render him in
loving pixels for an advertising campaign.
However the client decided they wanted "something
a bit less... pixelly." Poor little pixelly James
is now homeless, can you help?
http://www.wontsomeonepleasebuymyjamesnesbittdrawi...
>> Soggy biscuit demo <<
"I've made a video", boasts Gandalf,"where I
explain how to play the game 'soggy biscuit'
with a bit of a demonstration added on for
good measure." We loved this, up until the
money shot. Remember Gandalf, less is more.
http://snipurl.com/soggybiscuit
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crappy Prizes
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for the genuinely rubbish
things you'd won in competitions:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crappyprizes/
* Worst ever meet and greet
"On the last Britney tour in the US, ten lucky
winners were invited backstage to meet their
idol. Overjoyed and dumbstruck with excitement
they were taken into Miss Spears' dressing room
where one of her assistants turned on a VCR and
played a video message thanking them for being
fans. The video ended with Britney telling the
fans how much she loved them but was too busy
to meet them in person." (notquitewithit)
* The suitcase lottery
"Airports auction off any unclaimed luggage
left on their carousel. 'Cause I was a bit pissed
I decided to bid... I waited for a battered
looking one to come up and bid thirty quid,
fully expecting someone to outbid me, but I
only went and won it! "Wooo!" thought I, "I've
gone and got myself a suitcase full of treasure.
It's probably got gold and diamonds and crowns
and treasure maps in." Looking back, I might
have been slightly optimistic... The blue,
slightly knackered suitcase/bag-thing was
lighter than I expected, but then again, I've
never picked up a bag full of gold. Got it home,
broke the lock... Opened it up... Peered inside,
and found absolutely fuck all. If you ever meet
someone who says, "I once left an empty suitcase
at Bristol airport. Ha-ha-ha." can you go
whoops-upside-his-head for me please, and ask
for, nay demand, my thirty pounds?" (grr_boy)
* Long distance Balloons
"I once entered a competition at a school fete,
aged about 7, where you tied your name and address
to a balloon and let it go, and whoever got a reply
from furthest away within two weeks won a full
football kit. Most people's never came back, but
one kid got a reply from an English couple who'd
found his balloon on a beach resort in Portugal -
he got the prize. Mine was presumed lost, and
forgotten about. Forgotten about, that is, until
about three months later, when I received a shockingly
abusive letter threatening legal proceedings from
some red-neck dickhead in South Carolina. Bizarrely,
he reckoned I owed him about $4,000 in medical
bills. Turns out he'd fallen from his garage roof
and shattered his pelvis while trying to remove
the remnants of my balloon from his TV aerial."
(grey kid)
>> This Week's Question <<
We're feeling generous. Give us your teenage
poetry and we'll make sure the whole world can
read it. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagepoetry/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Jim Davidson Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to imagine a world
in which Jim Davidson was prime minister.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jimdavidson/
We asked b3ta boarder steben to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
steben writes -
#1 "Number Ten - Simply brilliant, picking up
the topic in such a subtle way. Not the
only image that dealt with the white thing,
but for me it was the funniest. Awesome
indeed. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4972764
#2 "Tonight's Telly - Since almost all the
Nazi-Hitler-Pictures were a little bit too
obvious, I give the silver medal to this.
It just made me giggle. (Pacheypie)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4982554
#3 "Butterfly Brain - I thought about 3rd
place for a long time. Then I saw this and
started to laugh. I don't know why, seriously.
It's a butterfly!" (nhojjohn)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4977339
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor The Great Architect
gave us the suggestion, "What acronyms really
stand for"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/acronyms/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INAPPROPRIATE NAMES FOR DISABILITY PRODUCTS -
"I frequently have to deal with Remploy, who
proudly state they are 'Finding Jobs for
Disabled People'. Of course, no-one in the
industry has the guts to point out their name
is a compounding of "Remedial" and "Employ".
Either the founders were geniuses with a
black sense of humour or they were fucking
window lickers."
* BUCK-TOOTHED FREAKS - last week we asked you
to photograph your kids chewing plastic
plug covers, in a sad attempt to emulate
rabbits. Social Hand Grenade put his daughter
through the small humiliation:
http://tinypic.com/a4tngz.jpg
Whilst Marty Hopkirk simply photographed
himself:
http://snipurl.com/bucktoothedfreak
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SHIT / WEIGHT EXPERIMENT - How much food/drink
does the body actually store? Weigh your
food as it goes in, and weigh what comes out.
Take photos. The internet is yours if you
want it.
* 'TESCO VALUE' DIET - Can you eat nothing but
the Tesco Value range for a week without
becoming a little poorly? With 2 litres of
cola at 18p and a tin of beans for even
less, you could eat for a week for about
a fiver. Or would you die?
* PLAYING CHICKEN - We were always warned at
school not to play chicken with cars.
Spoilsports - it sounds fun. Maybe drive
your car at the chicken-suited fools that
hang around outside Nandos.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Jools, offmessage, Mr Gear,
Mystery Bob, richlight, leo brown, thefoggypoo,
boot, thehomelessdetective, arksworld, Mr Droll,
dom, kv, Golden_guns247, FrankZappa174,
wormburn69, mharrison and Mrs Lizard.
Top Tippery by this_is_cp and blattermaus.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Fraser as well.
He's a busy fellah.
Proofing by the hooded b4ta rapists.
(104367 - 28036)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIPS:
When microwaving soup, avoid scalding your
fingers, or getting soup on your oven gloves,
when serving. Simply use two slices of bread
as insulating gloves - not only will your hands
be burn-free but you can eat any spillages later!
NOT A TOP TIP:
Want to find out what a tiny horse would sound
like? Simply find two halves of pistachio nut
shell and tap them together.
