NEWSLETTER: "B3TA PEOPLE PROJECT SPECIAL. COUNT THEM! TEN! BLIMEY!"
This Week:
* VID - Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds
* RESTAURANT WATCH - rude names international
* QUIZ - Papist or Rapist
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 218 - 3 Mar 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue218/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: BIGGEST PLAYSTATION GAME EVER
Sponsored link
Sony are inviting you to play "Shadow of
Colossus" on massive outdoor projections this
weekend.
3rd Mar – Manchester Piccadilly Gardens
4th Mar – Birmingham Victoria Sq
5th Mar – London Design Museum
It will be woo. Battle commences at 6pm
http://www.shadowofthecolossus.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Nirvana, Rape, Weebl, Typos & shit
>> Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds <<
Mushybees - who for our money is always at his
best when being wildly offensive - has produced
a short little video telling the story of the
doomed singer from Nirvana. BTW: If he had lived
he would be 40 this year. Kurt we mean, and not
Mushybees, who like everyone on B3ta is a child
prodigy and aged about eight.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1808
>> Papist or Rapist? <<
Continuing the tradition of your Ginger Fuhrer's
either/or quizzes is Lord Manley of Ven who
asks whether you can tell the difference between
men of the cloth and kiddy fiddlers. We're
glad he's hosting it and not us, and can deal
with the legal issues of defamation himself...
http://lordmanley.com/b3ta/papist-or-rapist/
>> Weebl and Bob visit PC World <<
Our international readers might not know about
the joys of PC World. It's a computing
superstore, the stuff is pretty cheap, but the
staff are universally uninformed, spotty and
unhelpful. It's a 'hell on earth' as Weebl
quite literally points out. Best bit? Hissing
death.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/upgrade-pt2/
>> Biggest typo ever <<
Yes, we know the spelling on B3ta can be a little
'imaginative' at times, but we did enjoy this message
from Ally_Baby, "I was out today around Old Street
in London, when I espied a road painters
hard at work. To my horror and glee, they had
just written 'BUS SANE' on the road. Anyway,
I went back to work to get my camera to snap
such a delight for the B3ta faithful but..."
the council had repaired their error, very
badly indeed. Hah!
http://www.thehob.co.uk/b3ta/bussane.jpg
>> Can Scaryduck shit tomatoes? <<
Remember Scaryduck? He won the Guardian most
sooper-dooper blogger compo a few years back,
and regularly writes the some of the best stuff
for our Question of the Week. The success has
gone to his head and he's come up with a rather
odd theory - can he eat tomatoes, shit out
the pips and grow new tomatoes? We wait and
watch with awe-stuck wonder.
http://snipurl.com/shittytoms
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: AMNESTY VIDEO
Sponsored link
Amnesty have made a twisted shopping channel
parody, but with a difference, they're selling
AK47s instead of nose hair clippers. Maybe you
think they're wasting your charitable donations
by having poncey dinners with ad directors, but
they do have an agenda: the ad is part of their
campaign to sort out the arms trade. There's a
number at the end of the film, please use it.
Cheers.
http://www.protectthehuman.com/teleshop
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: RESTAURANT WATCH
Asian eateries with funny names
* Golden Swallow - "The Chinese at the bottom
of the road my parent's house is on. Classy."
(c.easton)
* Kum Hor - "In Camden (an hour outside Sydney)."
(ndyson)
* Phat Phuc - "a noodle restaurant in Chelsea."
(breakfastwithjam)
* Jizz - "in the mall below Town Hall in Sydney,
a Japanese-owned boutique." (G Butterwedge)
* My Dung Sandwich Shop - "this is a huge
phenomenon in the States."
http://snipurl.com/mygt
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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
Tube station and crisps
* GAY TUBES
"Saw this today at Bow Road tube station",
writes Mr. Tea, "They appear to be encouraging
gaymo bumsexualism."
http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/6183/leisure1qh...
* COCK CRIPS
"Found these in Morrisons", spurts Fantastical
monkey, "How rude."
http://www.fantasticalmonkey.co.uk/puffs.jpg
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Kelp, Hammers, Hens, Hands & Prince
>> Veitch does Kelp <<
Joel is a strange lad, he gets obsessed with
words and phrases, a few years back he visited
Australia and on his return spent about two
months mouthing the word "Kelp" to pretty
much any question you could ask him. He's
finally turned his obsession into song
with his band 7 Seconds of Love. BTW: Are
you a record company? Sort him out, he wants
to put a single out.
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/kelp/
>> Cat vs. Hammer <<
"My cat really hates hammers" informs Baron
Greenback, "This might not be as funny as
that video of the cat hitting the kid
repeatedly on the head, but I think it's
cute. Oh, To any videoshoppers out there,
can you edit this and make my cat famous?"
Heh. Liking this, it's not as violent as
our title suggests and it is, indeed,
rather cute. BTW: We just edited this guys
quote to coin the phrase 'Videoshoppers'
as we can't bring our selves to write
'mash-up' after seeing a 45 year old
woman at some talk we went to saying,
"I was watching my 2 year old nephew play
with a keyboard, and I thought 'what law
could prevent this child from making
mash-ups'. Sheesh.
http://snipurl.com/catvshammer
>> Hen-cam <<
"Over a few pints a few months ago me and my
mates decided that we could do a webcam
watching some hens", writes Neil, "we've
spent ages getting it to update quickly and
smoothly, even running it 24hrs a day."
Quirky web cams are a bit 1997, but in the
spirit of nostalgia and the fact that we
like chickens, we're linking this. Woo.
http://www.hencam.co.uk
>> Guess the hand? <<
Turdhead (quite why people give themselves
such silly names on the interweb is beyond
us - Ginger Fuhrer) writes - "Take the classic,
mind-numbing, childhood game, 'Guess Which Hand?,
'and add a creepy old man from the bus station,
and you've got a strangely addictive game of
chance." Lovely execution. Yay.
http://www.turdhead.com/guess-which-hand/
>> Prince Vs Kinks Vs Smokey <<
We're a little bored of the mash-ups at b3ta
towers, it's so 2001. However CCC isn't and
despite ourselves we rather enjoyed his
new thing "featuring The Kinks, Prince &
Smokey Robinson." Expertly done.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1954
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sacked
We wanted to know what you've been sacked
for doing. We've edited down the best to handy
newslettery size, but do read them all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sacked/
>> Lloyds BSE <<
I worked for Lloyds TSB as a web admin monkey.
This was around the time of the foot & mouth
crisis in the UK, and, whilst bored, I changed
their horse logo to a cow, and the name to
Lloyds BSE on the screensaver graphic file I
had access to. I didn't realise that, since I
was updating the site, I had full access to
the London network, and the core directories
for all the city branches. The next morning,
everyone's machines, including front line
branch machines, was displaying my 'edited'
version. I was given an *instant* dismissal.
My bank account was cancelled and refunded to
me, I was walked out of the building by security
at 11am. I signed a form stating that I was
legally not to enter a branch of Lloyds TSB
again. As I left the building, not a single
person smiled, they all looked at me like I'd
just killed a puppy. Fucking humourless cunts.
(Mildred)
>> One click, no job <<
I once worked for Argos as a temp. My job was
to key in data from emails into spreadsheets.
I was fairly computer literate at the time so
on my first day I wrote a script to automate
the whole process. I was pretty proud of my one
click system so after a week or two I showed my
boss why my productivity was so good. Two days
later I was told I was not to come in anymore.
Shit. (Minty Hit)
>> An apology for length <<
Many moons ago, I worked at a place that
made liquid density and level sensors. The
fateful project was for the fuel probes on an
Arianne rocket. The cables on this thing were
bloody long, so had to be ran down the warehouse,
around the corner and into the metalwork shop.
Little did I know that as I rolled out the cable,
the sensor was following me. I cut the cables 8
metres too short. Now, this was all epoxy'd and
cooked, so the cable could not be replaced..
delayed the launch for 6 weeks whilst a new one
was made. Sacked for stopping a space rocket
take off. Cool. (phazey)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your airport stories. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/airportstories/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> World's strangest buildings <<
A collection of peculiar architectural follies.
Some of these are pretty obviously just built
weirdly to fuck with peoples' heads. Oh you
architects - those long winter evenings must
simply fly past.
http://www.2loop.com/strangebldg.html
>> Killer pornalikes <<
We're not at liberty to divulge how this
particular link came into our possession,
but it's clearly a rare photo of 80s
murderer Fred West during his gay porn
fetish phase.
http://snipurl.com/fredwestporn
>> Australians eat Coon Cheese <<
Yes they do. The company will try to tell you
it's a special patent cheese invented by
Mister Coon. As if that would fool us for even
a second. Take a look at the ad - they are clearly
pushing a sinister racist agenda.
http://www.dairyfarmers.com.au/internet/s02_produc...
>> Robot shark <<
This may just be the ultimate gift for the
special nerd in your life. A 2ft long radio
controlled robot shark. A robot shark! The
touch we particularly liked - the controller
is waterproof so you can accompany your fishy
buddy as he terrorises the local swimming pool.
http://www.hammacher.com/publish/72824.asp#
>> Sinister burbling video <<
Like a rather unpleasant drug experience
while watching children’s' television. We
were left blinking, bewildered and slightly
soiled after watching this little video treat.
http://www.magicbutter.com/content/peepee.html
>> Booby bounce-o-meter <<
Finally, someone has started using Flash for
the purpose God intended. Choose the size of
breast you want to see, select the kind of
activity you want them to indulge in. Watch
them bounce! Praise the Lord.
http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock....
>> If Microsoft had made the iPod <<
Here's a quick recreation of what might have
happened in the marketing meeting after Microsoft
invented the iPod. Clearly the work of someone
who's sat in far too many shite corporate design
briefs, it's very sharply-observed.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'World According To USA' Challenge
Last week we wanted proof that Americans know
little of the World beyond her borders. You
provided. BTW: Please no more email from Yanks
moaning about this challenge, we're just paying
you back for the endless 'bad teeth' gags your
comedians love to perform so much.
Our favourites included:
* A DAY IN THE LIFE - it's all about the tea,
apparently.
(Eddache)
* BURGER WORLD - A sneak peak at a typical
European sightseeing tour (bonus gluttony
edition). (Darryn.R)
* THE GALAXY - One of many map-themed entries,
but probably the closest to reality.
(Text_fish)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/america/
>> New challenge: If The World Was Fluffy <<
Imagine a World where nothing bad could ever
happen, where even the most evil act would
result in lovely, charming, innocent results.
We want to live there. And we want you to
show us what it looks like...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffy/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* USE MY VOICE UPDATE - Jan.Bielecki writes,
"Thank you so much for putting me in your
newsletter! The response has been over
whelming and I have done recordings for
animations, commercials, phone messages,
and a lass who wants me to record my voice
saying sweet things about her so she can play
it to her ex to make him jealous. It's been
bloody fantastic." Woo, glad you're enjoying
yourself.
* TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - we asked for this
last week mainly as an excuse to write the
phrase 'milking a brass cow'. Watty writes-
"Not a trombone with, but Bobby Shew , a
jazz trumpeter had a two-belled trumpet."
Heh, he must have been a hit with the ladies.
http://www.trumpetstuff.com/images/Shew/ShewHorn.j...
* B3TA GOT ME SACKED - theevilmojojojo writes
"I was working as a lowly admin assistant for a
crappy little company. They didn't give me nearly
enough work to do, so and I got utterly addicted to
the B3ta messageboard. Until one day I was
unexpectedly dragged into the boss' office.
The MD of the company slammed onto the desk a
stack of paper about a foot tall.
MD: This is a record of your internet usage -
it's over 100 pages long!
Me: Ooh crikey. Ha - whoops!
MD: This is completely unacceptable! Look at
these sites: 'multimap dot com', 'bee three tee
aay dot com.'
They booted me out of the door before I even
had chance to defend myself." Let that be
a warning to you kids, do not visit our
website ever. It's evil we tell you, evil.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DOWNFALL DRINKING GAME - we caught the
Hitler biopic on telly the other night and
wondered if there's cheap and tawdry laughs
in a drinking game? One sip for every time
Hitler looks glum. One sip for every time you
think, "blimey, playing Adolf as human
instead of a monsters makes you think, doesn't
it?"
* SHOES FOR JORDAN - we notice that Katie
Price is bringing out her own range of
footwear. Considering the size of her tits
we're surprised we she can see them. (BTW:
This isn't really a thing we'd like to
see, but we liked the joke and didn't
know where else to put it.)
* TURN THEM IN AND WIN - got quite excited
the other day about making a TV game show
where punters have to shop their neighbors
for benefit fraud and tax evasion - with
the chance to win prizes to the same value
that they've saved the tax payer.
* OH SOD IT - if we're doing half thought
out TV ideas here's a few more.
* PHONE 666 - TV company buys a phone number
and sets up an alterative emergency service
to the state run ones. The punters call and
get free private medical care on the basis
that the TV show gets the rights to show
the car crashes / operations / bulgars on
live TV.
* GARYOKE - rent one of these private booth
karaoke places in Soho and stick cameras
in each room. Punters come in pissed and
singing badly. Presenter sits in mixing
gallery making nasty comments. Presented
by Gary Barlow. Or someone else who's
name makes a convenient rhyme. Actually
Pete Burns would be good, if only his
name rhymed with karaoke we'd be fucking
billionaires.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by clever monkeys.
Top Tippery by Rob.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
B4ta is woo. (107941 - 33522)
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TOP TIP:
When naming your cat try use a word that ends
in a 'ee' sound. Cats respond better to it.
