NEWSLETTER: "KNOB CASTING"
This Week:
* ART - Lady wants to plaster cast your penis
* RAVE - Coronation Street stylee
* VIDEO SCHMIDEO - it's out of control
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 221 - 24 Mar 2006
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http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue221/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Reality TV, Knobs, The Street & Bot-flies
>> The Apprentice: Bonus task <<
Fraser has been amusing himself by pestering
contestants on BBC 'reality' business show
with an extra, 'bonus' question. Who would
win in a fight - a gorilla or a grizzly bear?
The answers make enlightening reading.
http://www.blogjam.com/2006/03/23/the-apprentice/
>> Knob casting <<
Men - Sundaeg1rl wants your cock. She's making
busts of penises and would like to make a plaster
cast of your cyclopean chum. "Don't be scared!"
she trills. "I'm really very gentle..."
http://bcccastingcouch.blogspot.com/
>> Coronation Street rave <<
Yes, the classic British soap cut to hardcore,
German beats. It peters out towards the end,
but we still loved seeing staid old Clare
and Ashley made to spout the lines of some
bloke from Düsseldorf. Nice one, Fromage.
http://satansam.co.uk/blog/
>> My bot-fly baby <<
Clopinettes brought back a little something
extra from a holiday in the jungles of Peru.
Here he tells the tale of how he and his mates
yanked the bot-fly larva from his back with a
pair of tweezers and some Vaseline. And quite
gross it is too. "I'm kind of pleased with
giving birth," he says. Congratulations!
http://www.davesgonemental.com/stuff/mybabybotfly....
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Best of all that Google Video YouTube bollocks
>> 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' ukulele <<
The ukulele has become the instrument of
choice for anyone wanting to do a 'comedy'
cover version. So our expectations of this
were fairly low. Surprise - it's quite lovely.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
>> Motorhead puppets <<
What a showman! This bow-tied busker created an
entire frenetic rock show out of customised
Barbies and Kens. Brilliant. If you're making
idents for MTV - hire this man. Right now,
y'hear?
http://pishdolls.co.uk/ace_of_spades_15mb.mov
>> Dizzy cat <<
Cats are normally so poised, it's great to
watch this one go absolutely demented chasing
its own tail - then stagger round in a clumsy
and giddy fashion.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
>> London sky timeline <<
Great time-lapse video of our capital's sky-line.
We wish our camera had this function.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/4223
>> Crap raps 1986 <<
Ah, the heady days of the 80s, when rap was
in its infancy. Giants walked the earth in
those days. But there was rubbish too - check
out this extraordinarily banal bout of freestyle
rap battle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/4040
>> Crap raps 2006 <<
Meet the future of rap. It's the Kersal
Massive and we are very scared. Our favourite
is 'Little Kev' and his squeaky stylings.
Reader Generationgav says, "This got
bluetoothed to me on a bus and I wanted the
whole world to see!" Thanks for sharing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/4444
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Desktop blues <<
Deacon Blue once sang "Can a white man sing
the blues?" We suspect the be-sporraned
popsters maybe have been imagining this
interactive music toy where you can create
your own Mississippi-style lament. It's clicky
too. Woo!
http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/
>> Hidden swears <<
We've always enjoyed 'hidden swears' at B3ta
Towers. Scunthorpe contains 'cunt', whilst
wristwatch hides a 'twat'. Check out this
unfortunately-shot van door for the latest
unintended vagina.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/monkeyc/93343798/
>> Flickr speech bubbles <<
Nifty Flickr tool here: type in the name of
a Flickr user (robmanuel, maybe) or a phrase
(lesbians) and add your own speech bubbles
and email them on. Simple subversion guaranteed.
http://www.pimpampum.net/bubblr/
>> Patent or gaytent? <<
Always good for a cheap laugh is looking at the
odder end of the potential products submitted
to the US Patent Office. We're particularly
enjoying the "Receptacle Assembly for Receiving
Canine Faecal Matter" which looks like an Alien
face-hugger on a dog's arse (scroll down.)
http://www.patentlysilly.com/
>> Penguin postcard toy <<
You know those websites that let you piss on
snow and create a cute message you can email
your chums? This cool variation features a
penguin stomach-diving down a mountain to create
a message in the snow. Lovely. BTW: We're waiting
for a version where you can cut your message into
the flesh of a prostitute.
http://snipurl.com/shitmygaytwunt
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I met a weirdo on the interweb
We wanted to hear about the weird people you've
met on the web (after realising that most of the
people running B3ta had done just that).
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdos/
There's at least three stories from people that
met their current spouses, but there's also:
* The Hit-Man - constantly ducking and diving
to avoid (imaginary) stalkers.
* The Stalker - who managed to carve DIE U BASTA
into the wrong car before being caught.
* The Pirate - he made his own swords and
got scurvy from too many fizzy drinks and
not enough daylight.
Finally, there's the cute-old-granny...
* Weirdo? Shit, that's me:
"I was a member of a poker website. I never
played any of the really high stake games;
I think the highest I ever played was $5.
Anyway, after a particularly bad spell, I
managed to spazz all my cash and was down
to about 10c. Then I hit upon a clever idea.
I changed my user profile to that of an
elderly woman who loves cats, etc. I started
joining in the live chat that went with the
game, talking about my lovely grandchildren
and everything. Man, it WORKED! I was no
longer getting bullied off bets, and people
seemed to let me get away with all sorts.
In no time, I had clawed my way up from 10c
to $20, and was going from strength to
strength. The problem was that I really got
involved with this character I had created.
I almost started believing I was this lovely
old lady who grew tomatoes and gave money to
the poor. The more I talked to (and distracted)
my opponents, the happier they seemed to be.
Then suddenly it hit me. This website must
be full of sad lonely bastards yearning for
a nice family and homely, granny-cooked
dinners. That, and the fact that I felt
like a Patrick Bateman / Mrs. Doubtfire hybrid
led to me canceling my registration. I still
feel like I need a shower when I think about
it now." (geegee)
>> This Week's Question <<
Were you in the armed forces? Know a scary bastard
who still is? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/inthearmynow/
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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
Green fingered 'golden showers'
UK Gardener Alan Titchmarsh has been on the grot
pills. Apparently he's recommending golden showers
- that's consensual peeing on loved ones, if you're
not part of the urine sub-culture - on page 25 of
this week's Radio Times. And to think this man has
tended Nelson Mandela's garden and calls himself
a Christian.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/4253
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Failed Sex Toy Challenge
Last week we asked to see the
prototypes of sex toys that never
quite made it to market.
Our favourites included:
* CADBURY'S CREME COCK - if we weren't so manly,
this chocolate treat would have us licking our
lips in anticipation. (mystery_bob)
* DARTH INVADER - Experience the dark side of
self-pleasure with this frightening sex-aid.
(The Great Architect)
* VICTORIA BECKHAM SEX DOLL - Scarily realistic
rendering of the failed pop star. Self-assembly
version. (wibblywobbly)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sextoys/
>> New challenge: If Google Owned Everything <<
Whatever you think of them, it seems like Google
is slowly conquering the World. But what happens
when they finally claim victory, when the company
owns absolutely everything? Show us life under a
Google regime...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/google/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PONTINS PHALLIC UPDATE - after mentioning
last week that the UK holiday company
changed its logo because of our Phallic Logo
Awards, a friend said, "Gosh. You really
should tell the tabloids about this." So we
phoned up the soar away Sun and explained
events. The man on the desk said, "It sounds
like you do very bizarre things. We aren't
interested in running this story" Then he
hung up on us. The red-top cunts.
* MORE WEB 2.0 BACKLASH - Noonard writes "I
couldn't bring myself to build molestr.com.
But fear not - behold the 'new' and
'collaborative' fwappr.com! Like all great
Web 2.0 ideas, I'm just off now to go and ask
those lovely folks at Yahoo for a couple of
million."
http://www.fwappr.com
* AMNESTY - have been in touch to thank B3tard's
for the fantastic response to their "Protect
the Human Campaign." We never knew you were
so conscientious. They still need your help
to make a million faces petition so check out
their video and sign up.
http://www.protectthehuman.com/teleshop
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TIP-EX MODS - use correction fluid and
permanent marker to public instances of the
word "paper" so as to make it read "rape".
Removing the R and change the P, would make
the shop Paper Chase into 'rape chase'.
* EAR WAX PAINTINGS - use your finger to rub
images into paper. Paint over it all, and
the paint won't stick to the wax.
* SCAPE-GOAT-PLC.COM - when a project goes
wrong people are always looking for
someone to blame. Set up a company to
absolve the world from guilt.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Robtoo, Scouse Bastard, TBL,
edjogs, Cheeky Boy!, Scaryduck, and Albert the
Mildly Deranged. Top Tippery by Scott Craig.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Profing by thes b4ta. (108195 - 33896)
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TOP TIP:
If you're carrying live fish in the car make
sure they are pointed towards the rear of the
vehicle, so if you brake suddenly you don't
bruise their delicate fish noses.
