NEWSLETTER: "TRANNY OR GRANNY"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Granny or Tranny
* COOKING - Veitch cooks pigs trotters
* VID - Wheatley kills friends mum with brick
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're quizzing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| perverts... together"
B3ta email 266 - 2 Mar 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue266/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Listen up Lazy B3tards.
The Filter is now like they say on the telly
'NEW & IMPROVED' - You NEED to download it
because it makes it so easy for you good for
nothing layabouts to make decent playlists
quickly. Shuffle is a thing of nuisance – USE
THE FILTER OR DIE.
http://www.thefilter.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Quizage, Pigs and Bricks
>> Tranny or Granny <<
"It's been a while since I've made a quiz,"
confesses your Ginger Fuhrer, "So I thought
I'd treat the B3ta readers to the very stuff
that gave this newsletter its first 20,000
subscribers." Warning: Contains loud music
and photos of a disturbing nature.
http://www2.b3ta.com/bigquiz/trannyorgranny/
>> Never ask Joel Veitch to cook dinner <<
A while back we went on holiday with Mr Veitch
and witnessed his cooking. Pig is his
favourite; he eats it for every meal. Even
when he cooks chicken, he serves it with a
bacon dinner jacket. Witness his long (8 mins)
attempt to turn pigs' trotters into soup. BTW:
We were disappointed that Joel was cooking the
pig trotters rather than doing normal cooking
using trotters strapped to his arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Brick trick <<
We haven't heard from Mr Wheatley in a while,
and rumour reaches us that he's in the land of
TV advertising, directing stuff for Guinness.
Apparently he's had some time off, and has
been using it to throw bricks at his mate's
mum. Nice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brick_Trick
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
When were you last really scared?
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about being a big scaredy
cat, yellow-bellied, tricky dicky.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/reallyscared/
We could tell you our favourite stories but as
it's our newsletter and we can do what the
hell we like, we're going to list the Ginger
Fuhrer's scariest moments:
* "Getting a 5k bill for bandwidth in the
early days of B3ta and deleting the email and
hoping it would go away, until a bloke turned
up in the office attempting to serve a court
order."
* "About 10 minutes ago and nipping out of the
office for a cigarette and a homeless bloke
accosting us and telling us that he'd be
smoking crack all night and couldn't get a
hard on. Then asking us if he could have a
"moment alone" with our female co-worker.
"Sorry, we've got a meeting", and then he
starts banging on the door. Nice."
* "When Yahoo deleted the B3ta mailing list,
all 150,000 of you and we had no back up."
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about your picky
eating habits. Speak now, with your face
stuffed with foods.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pickyeaters/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The Power of Make up <<
You want to know a secret? Girls wear make-up
and perfume because they are ugly and they
stink. Want proof?
http://eatliver.com/makeup/#null
>> Perverts write for Wikipedia <<
We love Wikipedia, we do; a night doesn't go
by without us reading ourselves to sleep via
the greatest repository of human knowledge the
world has ever created. However, some of the
edges are a little quirky: quite why there's
such a detailed section on boot-wearing in
films can only be because the web is full of
fucking perverts. Sample quote, "Commander
Uhura wears a miniskirt and go-go boots
variation of the current uniform for a
Starbase scene." Huzzah.
http://snipurl.com/wiki_boot_perverts
>> Got cum? <<
Wanking over our favourite celebrities is the
number two bestest pass-time in B3ta Towers.
Currently our toss list includes Lucy Pinder,
Lyndsey Lohan and William Shatner. But not
ever we would go so far as to print the photos
out, spooge over them, and photograph the
results for the web to see. Some of the humour
comes from the bland copy that accompanies the
sputzographs.
http://gotcum.blogspot.com/
>> When the world disappears beneath you <<
Ever wanted the ground to open up and swallow
you up? Don't wish too hard, because it might
just happen. Impressive photos of a natural
disaster.
http://www.ordena.com/digg/sinkhole.html
>> How steak is made <<
Meat eaters! To let you into a closely guarded
secret that the beef industry keeps close to
its chest, your dinner is made of cow. Yes,
would you Adam and Eve it? WARNING: Vegan
propaganda ahead.
http://snipurl.com/wheresthebeef
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: RED NOSE DAY (Sponsored link)
Red Nose Day ’07 is upon us, a feast of
humour, mirth and little films of exceedingly
silly dancing by men with stumpy little legs,
all in the name of charity. Go on, click...
it’ll make you a better person than you
currently are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like TV, but with compression artifacts
>> Beer-launching fridge <<
We spent, ooh, nearly 3 minutes wondering
whether this short video is a viral for Miller
beer. Then we thought, fuck it, it's funny and
inventive, so who gives a shit?
http://fazed.net/video/
>> Soho pimps <<
"Hello B3ta," spluffs Louise, "I used to write
to you loads when I worked on thisisaknife for
Channel 4. Now I'm working with Gary Le
Strange. A true Eighties throwback, this
video, for the song 'Seedy Pimp' was directed
by Stewart Lee of 'Jerry Springer - The Opera'
fame." We were determined to hate this, but
it's pretty good. The lyrics are genuinely
funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Unreleased South Park (sort of)<<
"When Edgar Bronfman Jr gained ownership of
Universal Studios he got into some odd
marketing campaign practices," lectures
Thiswasmyclone, "One of which is this rare,
employee orientation video, that enlightened
people about how things were going to change
under new management. It was commissioned to be
written and directed by Matt Stone and Trey
Parker (of South Park fame), and it was, and
Jr. didn't like it, so they scrapped it." You
can see why.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/South_Park_sorf_of
>> Jonathan King on Youtube <<
Overseas readers might need a quick primer for
one-time TV star Jonathan King: fat, old and
with an irritating voice, King bestrode the UK
music scene like a pan-media lobster. There
were novelty singles, TV shows and he was
always there to give an opinionated quote on
anything. Then the UK courts locked him up for
having sex with underage boys. He believes
he's innocent and is now using Youtube to air
his grievances in song form. We're not sure
that writing a song about kids called,
"Satan's Ultimate Weapon Of Mass Destruction"
and doing Hitler salutes is going to win him
any friends. Still, interesting to see what
happens to a famous person once the phone
stops ringing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 'Playstation 3 is shit' video <<
We'd pay good money to see a reality show on
how the marketing people at Sony are handling
all the negative press surrounding the launch
of their new games console. Stuff like this, a
lovely little song complaining about Sony
pissing their brand away.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_about_the_PS3
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Stab us in the eye, it's back like herpes
"Dear Magic Donkey," neighs anthonysaunders,
"As much as I hate the funny name corner of
the newsletter I was browsing our uni website
and spotted something that the puerile side of
me couldn't resist giggling at."
http://www.bath.ac.uk/esml/conferences/m-h-i/index...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Punchline Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us the
punchlines from jokes. How we laughed.
Your favourites included:
* THE ITALIAN JOB - Not strictly a joke,
but Michael Caine's famous line is
realised here with rather vigourous
glee (Pedantichrist)
* KNOCK KNOCK - This entry cheated the
rules by being an entire joke, not just
the punchline. But it's a good joke, so
we let it pass (Devil Duck:)
* PAEDO TEACHER - It's only a matter of
time before this tragic misunderstanding
happens in real life (Monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punchlines/
>> New challenge: Black and White <<
Ebony and ivory, living together in
perfect harmony. But what if the song
was backwards? Show us a world in which
white people are black. Or brown. And
vice versa.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/back_and_white/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ROCKY THE FAMOUS B3TA CAT - sometimes our
inbox surprises us, we certainly never expected
to receive fan male for the official B3ta cat,
and a request for photos.
http://www.sophiecat.co.uk/sophiesnewfriends.htm
* BENCH PLAQUE SITUATIONALISM - thefoggypoo
mouths, "Dearest Ginger Fuhrer, and assorted
minions, I write to you with regard to your
latest instalment - specifically with regard
to your request that people stick up weird
brass signs that make no sense. Can I direct
you to the following link? It explains about a
hoax memorial plaque that was placed on
Dublin's O'Connell Bridge."
http://snipurl.com/fathernoise
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MAGNO-COCK TV VANDALISM - daleks-legs
scribes, "A few months ago I rubbed a magnet
over the tv in my room as a result of this
whenever something red is on tv, the bit
where I rubbed the magnet on changes to
magenta. Can someone please go and make a
magenta cock in a TV shop like this. But be
warned; it's permanent."
* KNOBS NOTES - "I've thought of a game,"
boats thistle, "Draw something on the back of
a £5 note (eg. a penis) before you use it and
see how long before you get it back or you get
one from someone else. I've done 2 cocks on £5
notes so hope someone from B3ta gets it."
* CHARLOTTE CHURCH'S PREGO FAG-O-TRON - dodge
the alcopops and ciggies so that you can bring
your unborn child to full term without
incurring a low birth weight or foetal alcohol
syndrome.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Scary and
drdavej. Top Tippery by, er, Leonard Woo.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Wigs
to b4ta. (Nothing in the brackets.)
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TOP TIP:
Install two browsers, and hide the link to the
second. Use this as your special porn browser
so your partner doesn't find out.
