NEWSLETTER: "CUT OUT MY EYES, I'VE BOUGHT A GUIDE DOG!"
This Week:
* MAPS - Rude place names 2.0
* AMAZON - Richard Littlejohn vandalism challenge
* GRAFITTI - Bestest QOTW evah!!!1111
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're making the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| poo-face... together"
B3ta shemale 276 - 11 May 2007
Read this issue with your cunt-eyes.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue276/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
The Shoes Don’t Lie
You could always play it safe. But safe doesn’t
ask 'where did you get the shoes?' Safe doesn’t
turn Tennis-Classic-Green with envy. Safe shows
up twice in the same town. Choose from dozens
of shoes; hundreds of colours; millions of
possible combinations. Kiss safe goodbye.
http://snipurl.com/nike_id
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Rude places, Doctor Who and Mr Biffo
>> Rude place names <<
Possibly one of the classic internet ideas:
digging up locations with naughty names and
plotting them on a map. Waynster has brought it
up to date web-mash-up-stylee by combining this
with Google-maps. As he says, "did you know
there is an Anus in France? Or a Spanker in the
US? A homo in Norway? It's all here."
http://snipurl.com/1jfq0
>> Doctor Who nasties <<
Thanks to Black Moon who's glued together some
clips of Doctor Who, with David Tennant
starring in another drama to create something
that would make Russell T Davies spluff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Rude
>> Mr Biffo results <<
Last weeks we asked you for suggestions for
ideas that Mr Biffo could draw. Over three
hundred of you replied, the Bifster has picked
his favourite five and we've stuck them up
here.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2007/05/04/mr-biffo-compo...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Graffiti
Last week we wanted graffiti that makes you
laugh.
http://b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/
We've picked out our favourite answers that had
photos in, because we like to look at the
pretty pictures. Anyway, these made us giggle:
* THE CLAW
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post77970/
* PARKING FOR ALL
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post79037/
* NEW OLYMPIC SPORT?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post79168/
* MOST UNNEEDED GRAFFITI EVER
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post79297/
* IT WORKED FOR JULIA ROBERTS
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post79314/
* ANIMAL ABUSE IS BAD M'KAY
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/post78507/
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your tales of work experience
placements. Our one is currently in the
server room watching the network lights
flash. What were you made to do?
http://b3ta.com/questions/workexperience/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Richard Littlejohn <<
For our slitty-eyed foreign readers: Littlejohn
is a tabloid columnist of the "send them back"
variety. He inspires loathing and yet his
witterings are (sadly) some of the most widely
read in the UK. The good news is that his
Amazon reviews are 'going the way of the
Hoff(tm)'. Three cheers to anyone else who
joins in.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009179568...
>> Bulldog ear-glue <<
We've recently learnt that sheep have long
tails and farmers dock them, but did you know
about the secret cult of bulldog ear-gluing?
Made us raise an eyebrow anyway, which is more
than these dogs could do.
http://www.bulldogsworld.com/glue.html
>> Send Paris Hilton to Jail <<
The most emailed-in link this week is the
petition to jail Paris Hilton. Frankly we don't
give a flying sausage, but as Kblackford
writes, "for the love of god, post it in this
weeks newsletter! I am an American and will be
horribly pissed off/embarrassed if Paris Hilton
doesn't go to jail. Please urge all of your
readers to sign the petition." Who are we to
refuse?
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/jailparishilton...
>> NSFW linky of the week <<
An anonymous reader writes, "this site is chock
full of perversions and goatse video goodness!
It's been my sole wanking material for a week
now." You'll be looking at it from the gaps
between your fingers.
http://populationpaste.com/blog/category/bizarre-i...
>> Laser cut cake <<
When geeks enter the kitchen, there's sure to
be fireworks. What next? Custard in a particle
accelerator? Marshmallows toasted with
potassium? Er, our science training is so
sloppy that we can't think of a third.
http://www.instructables.com/id/EL3L03V8OGEP286PNI...
>> Russian film posters <<
Loving this collection of outsider art
billboards to promote Hollywood films in the
former Soviet Union. Fun is to be had in
attempting to guess the badly drawn actors
before reading the captions.
http://englishrussia.com/#more-897
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Sublines are for word-cripples
>> Nudie Vid <<
How to get people to watch your band's internet
video clip? Substitute all of the musical
instruments for naked girls. Not safe for work,
if you're not into gratuitous nudity. The drum
kit is particularly worthy of note.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/532399/original_cast...
>> Harrowing Hasselhoff <<
A world away from his suave Knight Rider
persona, here's a clip by the guy's daughter.
He's drunk (again) in front of his kids and
sunk in self-pity. It's actually quite hard to
watch.
http://snipurl.com/hoff_drunk_video
>> Turkish Superman <<
It's difficult to see quite where the budget
went on this Kunt Films' Turkish remake of the
super-hero blockbuster. It's certainly not the
special effects, nor is it the wooden acting.
Perhaps it's the plot, which seems entirely to
involve Superman slowly walking towards people
with guns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Is this the lowest form of comedy?
* MIKE HUNT'S CARS - Australian motor
dealership or exhibitionist vaginal surgery
gallery? You decide.
http://www.mikehuntscars.com.au/
* GHEY TRANSPORT - Delivery direct to your door
in fabulous style.
http://www.gheys.com/
* MANLOVE FORENSICS - "From the Google-ads on
my site," chortles B3tard Jangle, "Honestly,
it's not what you think."
http://www.manloveforensics.co.uk/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cockney Challenge
Last week we wanted to see visualisations
of Cockney Rhyming Slang.
Your favourites included:
* ANATOMY - A veritable feast of delicious
cockney slang (dbroon)
* WANK - Quick! Hide! The Nazis are
coming! (Mighty Nibus)
* BONE - Deeply unpleasant rendering of the
classic Cockney phone call (Donkey Gums)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffe/
>> New challenge: Top Trumps <<
We all played Top Trumps as kids, whiling away
the hours comparing the top speeds of sports
cars and the weight of mammals. But it's time
the game was brought into the 21st Century, so
design some new cards... Challenge suggested by
Scaryduck.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/toptrumps/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WANKING ON PLANES - our brief mention last
week brought a flood of confessions including
blue_ewe who writes, 'When I was 16 and on my
first ever plane journey I decided to pop into
the toilet for a little stress relief. This
came in handy a few years later when I was at a
job interview and we were doing the "go round
the group, tell us an interesting fact about
yourself" thing. Made everyone crack up with
laughter. Didn't get the job though.' Also in
the interests of naming and shaming, here's a
list of other aerowankers: Tony Redclaws,
mattcox303, Nostrilsack, and Joanna Hubris.
* PHONE CAMERA REMOTE CONTROL TIP - last week
we suggested that you could test whether your
TV remote was working by pointing it at your
camera phone. Afinkawan mentions, "Another way
of checking is to activate them near the
pickups of a electric guitar. Each remote makes
a slightly different sound through the amp. If
I had the time, motivation or the slightest
talent, I would probably try to make an entire
track of remote-control-through-guitar-amp
bleeps." Sounds like a fun project for someone.
* TIN TIN NOT GEORDIE - Hundreds of you wrote
in to point out that, "it's made by someone
from Middlesbrough so he's a Teessider."
Fucking Northerners, always complaining.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Merge the ladybirds
Perhaps the most peculiar games concept we've
featured here. Stop the ladybirds from falling
off the stump. Try to merge them into one.
http://www.donpixel.com/play/en/060413201807/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INFINITE LIVES POKE FOR OYSTER CARD - we
demand the secret upload codes to use the Tube
for free.
* DADS-WHO-KRUMP.COM - the advertising execs
are telling us that 'krumping' is a new form of
black urban dance that's sweeping the nation.
We reckon it's an ideal dance for middle-aged
men to demonstrate that they're down with the
kids.
* MEATLOAFS' BAT OUT OF HELL, THE PC GAME -
guide a pixelly bat out from, well, hell.
Rendered 1980s bleepy Spectrum style.
* POO-FACE FLICKR GROUP - Hundreds of photos of
people straining for a shit.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ledger,
siobhan.mcsorley, seekew, CrispyDolphin,
teh_catt, pansowa, jbsauns, Mr. Johnson,
simbosan & Art101 Top Tippery by Piehands.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yays
to b4ta. Zander suggested the subjectline. His
fault.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
How to stop getting points on your licence for
speeding. If you get a fine for speeding for
say £60, send them a cheque for £61. They will
send you a cheque back for £1. Tear that
cheque up, never cash it. They cannot legally
put the points on your licence until all
financial transactions have cleared. This
means that you will have paid the fine, but you
won't get the points on your licence.
Apparently.
