NEWSLETTER: "PORKY JOEL SHOWS US HIS TROTTERS"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Rathergood pork fight
* CHALLENGE - Make stuff with glue and scissors
* QUESTION - Your mental relatives
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're drinking the free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| booze at industry events"
B3ta spam 284 - 6 July 2007
Browsers are nicer than email clients
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue284/
Oral: [email protected]
Anal: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Tribute to the death of The Smilie
Animated emoticons are a bunch of cunts.
Nothing in the world is more infuriating than
when you arrive on a page and they suddenly
start singing or talking at you from their
fucking little banner. They nauseate us beyond
reason, so we’ve murdered the little fuckers
gruesomely to advertise our cool bit of
software.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Oh go on, spend some of your advertising
budget with us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
They've been making hay whilst the sun shines
>> Pork fight <<
Since giving up the cigs, Veitch has replaced
his need for nicoteen with a daily intake of
pork. He eats approximatly two pigs per month
and we're rather worried about his health.
However, what's bad for his heart is good for
his comedy. Watch and wonder.
http://www.rathergood.com/pork_fight/
>> The Great Internet Swear Project <<
"The purpose of this site is to find out what
the best swear word in the world is," informs
morner. "I figured you manky lot would
probably have a better idea of this than most,
so here you go. You'll be presented with two
swear words; simply click on the one you think
is best." Possibly a teensy bit NSFW, but,
hey, you already guessed that.
http://www.doyoukissyourmotherwiththatmouth.co.uk/
>> Frankie Valli on LSD <<
According to mutated monty, "I was
commissioned to make this music video." We can
only salute the fortitude of the music video
people - this is alarming stuff. The wavy-hand
trees. Extra-mouth Frankie. Brrr, man. Spooky.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Frankie_Valli_on_LSD
>> The Abortionists <<
Pulse-pounding comic-book action as an elite
team of abortionists tackle the looming threat
of a human reproducing. Nash Odyssey is a
nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7361085
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Late
Last week we wanted to know why you were late:
http://b3ta.com/questions/late/
* YOU CNUT
"I had been warned not to be late for work
again so the next morning to prove a point I
left the house an hour early. The traffic on
the dual carriageway was crawling along, I
couldn't understand it as it was never
congested, especially at 7am, but I didn't
worry as I had 2 hours to get to work. An
hour and a half later and I was shitting
myself, I had only moved a few miles and the
clock was ticking. I phoned work on my
mobile, it rings and rings and rings...
finally it's picked up and it's only the
bloody director! I start to explain who I am
and the predicament I’m in when I see what
has been holding up traffic. A man was
pushing his car up the dual carriageway, not
to the side of the road but UP the sodding
carriageway. My blood literally boiled, I
was seething with rage at this moron who was
about to cost me my job, so I wound down the
window and screamed YOU STUPID FUCKING
CUNT!!! as I drove past. At which point I
realised that I still had my mobile firmly
pressed to my ear and that I had just
informed the company director that I was
going to be late for work because he was a
stupid fucking cunt." (Colonel Dracula)
* THE BEANO BECOMES REALITY
"I'm jealous of this one because, along with
someone actually slipping on a discarded
banana skin, it's something I've always
wanted to see. My colleague was a bit late
from his lunch break because he was so
thrilled and couldn't stop laughing at what
he'd seen. Apparently he came running into
the office, quite flustered and exclaimed,
"Sorry I'm late but you'll never guess what
I've just seen... a dog running from a
butchers shop with a string of sausages in
it's mouth!" Marvellous." (abefroman)
* FAKE DELAY
"I drove a morning peak-hour train to Cannon
Street some weeks ago - when we get there
I'm due to 'change ends' and take the now
empty train back to the depot. Walking back
through the train, a young bloke asks me if
I could do him a favour - could he sit in
the carriage and phone his boss to tell him
he's going to be late, while I make a PA
announcement claiming the train was 'being
delayed'. I nearly asked him if he was a
fellow B3tan. (And yes, I did help him out -
I go the extra mile for my commuters)"
(coopsweb)
>> This Week's Question <<
Who is your craziest relative? Are they really
crazier than this lot?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crazyrelatives/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like, found via this new internet thing
>> Foot/vagina sex toy <<
Some people have a fetish about feet, they
think feet are sexy. Not into that, but, hey,
it takes all sorts. But this item is baffling.
http://www.stockroom.com/SiFeet-Pussy-Foot-P2958.a...
>> The Collected Writings of Peter Doherty <<
Pete Doherty has written a book. Well, to be
exact, he wrote 20 books and had them
condensed down to one volume of "poems,
drawings, personal reflections, lyrics and
collages." That may or may not fill you with
delight - check out the reviews for some nice
backlash venom.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075288591...
>> Cat shock! <<
For thousands of years, cats have been feared
and reviled as the very emissaries of Satan.
Now you can relive those carefree days with a
short ytmnd slideshow and soundtrack.
http://shockingcats.ytmnd.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Perky pufferfish
This week we stretch the boundaries of
cuteness with this rotund denizen of the coral
reef. Aww, but look at his little face!
http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/120863...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> 'Take on me' on hands <<
Well here's something different: a bloke who
plays tunes on his hands. At least, that's
what he claims. But the windy noises and the
way he shifts in his chair make it seem to us
that he may be talking out of his hat. Here's
his version of Take On Me - what do you reckon?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Kitchen towel dispenser <<
Truly a sign of the impending Apocalypse - a
device that helps you to tear a sheet off a
roll of kitchen towel. Can there really be a
more pathetic waste of human ingenuity? You
have to feel sorry for the proud inventors
though, choosing YouTube to showcase their
baby then having to weather a shitstorm of
abuse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hamster loves popcorn <<
The teasing of this adorable little rodent
would be bordering on animal cruelty, were it
not for the fact that he seems to care for
nothing in the world so much as the big chunk
of popcorn he clutches rapturously in his tiny
paws.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Flooded up police <<
Respect to Derbyshire police who, rather than
remain aloof from the waterlogged plight of
the British public, pitched right in. Yup,
here's that clip of them driving straight into
a small lake like a bunch of twats. Well done,
lads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: 'FUNNY' NAME CORNER
And yes, we use the quotes to denote irony
>> Bum equipment <<
Was walking about in Taiwan," admits
eroseboom, "and located the 'Bum Equipment'
shop next to the 'Wanko' store." How very
handy!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eroseboom/136740982/
> Racist Denmark <<
Who knew that the home of Whigfield and Lego
could be so casually racist about the humble
cornershop?
http://www.singingbanana.com/personal/denmarkhates...
>> Kumon Thailand <<
What seems like an enticing invitation to
tourists on this educational website.
http://www.kumonthailand.com/
>> Felchlin chocolate <<
A posh brand of Swiss confectionary, spotted
by Kersal Missive in a US sweet shop. "There's
also a place called 'Felch Township' in
Michigan," he wildly claims. Ewww.
http://www.felchlin.com/
>> Epic Chinese menu pics <<
We've featured Last Night A DJ Battered My
Christ's Foodtube blog a number of times over
the past months. He's currently taking time
out from his culinary voyage of exploration
but sent in these exquisite pics of a Beijing
restaurant menu. The 'Fuck a tea tree
mushroom' looks particularly delicious.
http://foodtube.livejournal.com/3241.html
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: T SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Home Taping Didn't Kill Music
Denise, our own B3ta desiger, made new shirts
this week. Home taping didn't kill music
video didn't kill the radio star, but b3ta killed
pretty much everything else...
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gordon Brown Challenge
Last week we wanted you to shop the new Prime
Minister.
Your favourites included:
* MONSTER - as featured in The Times, this
image may return to haunt Mr Brown, scarring
his leadership in the same way that David
Steele's Spitting Image puppet hastened his
political demise (Charles Hawtrey)
* SITCOM - the laughter literally never stops
at Number 10 (Charles Hawtrey again)
* WHOOPEE - Gordon is very very excited indeed
(Leningrad)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gordon_brown/
>> New challenge: Glue & Scissors <<
Switch off your PC and pick up your scissors,
glue, pencils and felt tips. Add your
favourite magazines, and create photoshoppery
the good old-fashioned way! Challenge
suggested by Dixon_Bawls.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scissors/
>> Oi! Pay attention! <<
Want to set a challenge? Be like Dixon_Bawls:
have an idea, put it on the board, get people
to vote on it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BLOKE WHO CLAIMS HE CAN LIVE ON FRUIT JUICE
- B3ta's official scientist Ben Goldacre says,
"can't Endemol just invite him on big brother
and settle it for good?"
http://snipr.com/dailymailnazibollock
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by David Stevenson as
Rob was too hungover to do anything useful.
However Rob did select the links. Which was
nice of him. Stuff sent in by dicastri, Bob,
Grubbymitts, Saratron, Sara, hahn, redazril,
AE, ram1us78, jim and jonnyellins. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
