NEWSLETTER: "CELEBRATING 20 YEARS OF BAD AIDS"
This Week:
* PAIN - Testicles vs. champagne cork!
* FEAR - Brian Blessed rampage!
* CHIPMUNK - eating a peanut! Aww!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 291 - 24 Aug 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue291/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
One for all you B3tan Football Fans
Football Folk - the interview series with a
difference: Today, Kevin Day of Match of The
Day 2 fame meets with England boss Steve
'superhero' McClaren... Brought to you by
Fanbanta.com - where fans get their kicks.
http://snipurl.com/fanbanta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Swearing, balls and the usual nonsense
>> Swear generator <<
"My new animation is at last finished," curses
Koit, "After 10 months of on/off animation.
It's called 'The Swearers' and is simply just
that. Two blokes, who hate each other and so
swear at each other, all of the time. Forever."
For our money, it's that you can pointlessly
change the backgrounds and costumes that
amuses us far more than the swearing.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/swe...
>> Champagne vs. balls <<
Mr_SD asks, "Ever wanted to see my mate Steve
being shot in the balls with a champagne cork?"
Hmm, if you like your laughs homoerotic then
you've come to the right place. NSFW.
http://snipurl.com/oldcorkyballs
>> DIY record stunt <<
B3ta reader and journalist Rhodri Marsden has
been conducting a little experiment: write,
record, make a video and stick on iTunes a new
song in under 30 days. To be honest we thought
it would be shit, but the track is great and we
wish him all of the luck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of
curtains!"
Doctor: "That's the least of your problems...
You have AIDS."
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crap parents
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to dob in your parents
for setting dreadful examples.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/terribleparenting/
The best answer isn't really relevant, but
we're going to quote it in full because it's so
ace:
* LONG, AMUSING STORY *
"My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He
loves nothing better than annoying people and
suppliers who piss him off, nothing bad, just
minor spats. He loves doing really pointless
but perfectly legal things. This is my absolute
favourite petty revenge story of all time.
Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an
office supplier, its about £3800. He contested
it and basically dragged out payment for
months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent
someone round he'd pay them cash.
In the mean time, he went to the bank and after
discussion with the bank manager, worked out
what the legal minimum denomination of notes
and coins could be used.
He also went to the garden centre and purchased
a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin.
As it turns out, you can pay in coins. the
resulting amount pretty much filled the dustbin
- well 3/4 full. It was almost impossible to
move. 4 guys from the office got it upstairs
and hid it in Dad's office. They spent half an
hour emptying all the coins from their bags.
The debt collectors arrived. Dad made them wait
an hour or so for the hell of it. He came out
and spoke to them argued the toss some more.
Eventually dad 'caved' and pointed them in the
direction of the money. Upon seeing it they
groaned and muttered that there's no way they're
going to take that. Prepared, Dad immediately
hands them a piece of paper and says, fine,
sign this. They ask what it is, "its to confirm
that I offered you full payment and you refused
to accept".
They sigh and give in. Dad asks for a receipt.
They start counting. Dad has previously removed
a pound or so earlier on.
A couple of hours later, they point out that
its a pound down. Dad denies that's possible,
maybe they should recount? They relent and fill
out a receipt. They fill the bin back up and
start dragging it to the lift. My dad watches
on.
The lift arrives and they struggle to get it
over the floor divider but panting, they
finally get the thing in the lift. As the doors
begin to close, my dad sticks his hand between
the doors, forcing them to open again.
'Erm lads? Where are you going with my bin?'
My dads ace really." (IHROOcoke)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to talk about sleepwalking, and
pissing, shitting and wanking. Speak now so
that Google can index your confessions and make
you completely unemployable.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sleepwalking/
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What's the difference between AIDS and cancer?
When you have cancer you still get visitors.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Chippy desk <<
What self-respecting computer owner doesn't
want to take several thousand CPUs and turn
them into a stylish table that will make all
the girls quiver with lust?
http://snipurl.com/tableupgrade
>> Fake sunroof <<
Following on from the spray-on mud we once
featured comes the replica sunroof. Quite why
this product exists, few can fathom, which is
probably why it's been one of the more popular
links sent in this week.
http://snipurl.com/fakesunroof
>> Word clock <<
P T Barnum once claimed "there's one born every
minute," referring to suckers rather than just
babies. Every wondered what the real figures
are? Find out with this compelling toy.
http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf
>> DIY stencil shirts <<
Lovely tutorial on how to use ordinary toilet
bleach and some stencils to make some great
looking shirts. If any readers give this a go,
then please send us some photos of how you get
on.
http://snipurl.com/bleachyfun
>> Carlsberg advertising <<
We're almost loathe to link to this, as it
makes us feel played, but still props off to
whoever thought up the idea of dropping ten
quid notes in the street with the sticker,
"Carlsberg don't do litter, but if they did,
it would probably be the best litter in the
world." Genius, but we wonder three things:
1. If you asked us to drop this litter in the
street we'd rob the cash 2. Did they really do
it, or just put the story out that they did it?
3. The whole point of this exercise is
obviously to get people like us to mention
their brand. Job done. Grrr!
http://www.serifpublishing.com/
>> Snape fan art <<
Slightly gamy paintings of Harry Potter
favourite Severus Snape. Sometimes semi-clad,
sometimes posing suggestively with Marilyn
Manson or Hermione Granger. Gets a bit random
towards the bottom of the page, with
appearances by Dr Gregory House etc.
http://www.der-deutsche-spock.de/kunst_en.htm
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A horse walks into a bar,
The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
To which the horse replies, "I've got AIDS."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Anti-Pacman
Simple but engaging idea here: a version of
Pacman where you play the ghosts. In lieu of
anything better to say, the best ever Pacman
joke is "If Pacman had affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in dark rooms,
munching pills and listening to repetitive
electronic music." Whereas the second-best is
a pie-chart bisected to look exactly like our
yellow friend with the legend 'Percentage of
chart which resembles Pacman.'
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/394419
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What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Yay for vids
>> Rape the duck <<
Seems like it's going to be shit for a few
moments, then the music kicks in and you can
see what they're on about. The dodgy old dance
track does indeed resemble someone molesting
waterfowl. Also, well done on persuading
someone to dress up as said duck for dramatic
reconstruction.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rape_the_duck
>> Brian Blessed out of control <<
Noted introvert Brian Blessed makes an
appearance on all-female-presented chat show
and he's clearly very, very excited about it.
Our favourite bit is just a few minutes in
when, apropos of nothing, he lunges at one of
the presenters with a preposterous snort. Scary!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brian_Blessed_on_Loose_W...
>> Tongue girls <<
Cute girls doing tricks with their tongues.
Falls into that strange hinterland between
'sexy' and 'tongues are like hyperactive
shellfish that live in your mouth'.
http://snipurl.com/tonguegirls
>> "Furry, Happy Monsters" <<
Hot on the heels of James Blunt's Sesame Street
appearance, here's REM doing a muppet-related
number on the old show. Amusing to note that
their drummer has made himself absent from the
proceedings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Internet hate machine <<
Here's FOX News reporting on 'hacker group'
Anonymous. In no way is this ill-informed,
sensationalist nonsense. Oh em gee, they can
put gay porn on your Myspace page - now here's
a picture of an exploding van!
http://youtube.com/watch
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Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers
disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't
tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early
stages... Tell you what... Drive her way out
into the country, kick her out of the car, and
if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
* THE ALLURING AROMA OF A DARK BROWN VAGINA -
standardcrow writes, "I live in Germany and was
highly amused when in my local electrical goods
store to find, next to the innocent coffee
machines tonnes of the following coffee brand."
http://www.minges-kaffee.de/
* SCHOOL FUN - coobeastie growls, "Bird's Bush
Primary School, Tamworth." As opposed to man
bush?
http://www.birdsbush.com/
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What are the first symptoms of AIDS?
A sharp pounding sensation up the backside.
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: CUTE ANIMAL PICTURE SUPER LOLS
Chipmunk vs. Peanut
Alan Eagle ejaculates, "Check out this chipmunk
eating a whole peanut! Big-mouthed bastard!"
http://snipurl.com/1pwao
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Celebrity Afterlife Challenge
Last week we wanted to know where the
rich and famous would end up in death.
Your favourites included:
* SIMON WESTON - large donor, plenty of
chilli sauce, hold the salad
(frogdoctor)
* JEREMY CLARKSON - the quick brown fox
drives over the fat TV presenter
(happytoast)
* PRINCE CHARLES - watch out for the
surprise ending (londoner)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_afterlife/
>> New challenge: Stop AIDS <<
It's been 20 years since the infamous
"Don't Die of Ignorance" campaign, yet
the disease is still going strong.
So design a new poster to help prevent
the spread of HIV and AIDS.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aids/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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Have you heard the joke about the baby with
AIDS? It never gets old. (Unlike peppering the
newsletter with almost every joked tagged
'aids' from our very own Sickipedia. Ok, we'll
stop now.)
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPAZ CAT II - SpunkyBackpack mews, "A couple
of weeks ago you featured a spazzy cat in the
newsletter. Well, amusing as it was, that cat
was frankly a tightrope walker compared to my
friend Splinx's pet Molly. She's possibly the
best cat ever and we love her to bits."
http://shrunk.net/46d5bbc2
* MORE SIDEBURN FEEDBACK - Smallbrainfield
writes, "To get them even, I used to pull a
large elastic band over my head, level it up in
the mirror, then trim away." Whereas
air_guitar2001 spluffs, "The how-to-trim facial
hair bandwagon cannot be closed until we all
start calling sideburns earbrows."
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: SUBSTITUTION GAME
Lots of you emailed in about our suggestion to
replace song lyrics with the word sausage. It's
funny what captures people's imagination.
* MONKEY GAME - "I play a movie game," blurts
The Brooker Prize, "I replace a numbers in a
title with 'monkey' and ask others to guess
the film. Hence 'Twelve Monkeys' becomes
'Monkey Monkeys'. There's only one round and I
always win."
* HUG RAP - moogman censors, "Moreso than
sausages, I think that replacing the word
'fuck' with the word 'hug' makes rap infinitely
better. Hug the police indeed."
* SAUSAGE SONGS - "We built this city on
sausage roll", "God loves sausage roll, so put
another dime in the jukebox baby" and of
course, "God gave sausage roll to you." (Thanks
benowen90 who also says, "P.S. Newsletter
rules!" Yay.)
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COLOSTOMY SEX - a doctor friend of ours
mentioned that he'd read case notes on people
having to have their colostomy holes repaired
after their partners had fucked them. We're
sharing as it was the most repellent idea we'd
heard in a while. Let's be quite clear, this
isn't something we'd actually like to see.
* TRAMPSENSE - take a DV camera out on the
street. You find a homeless person and you go,
"Sing us a song, tell us a joke, c'mon just
give us a party trick." Then the homeless
person does a jig, or maybe shows you a
particularly rotting leg. You film this and
stick it online with AdSense (the Google make
money scheme for advertising.) You've then
basically made a revenue stream for talented
tramps. Half the money goes back to the
homeless, and the other half to buying you a
BIG HOUSE. You can live in the big house, and
have servants and gold taps. This is whilst the
homeless dance for AdSense pennies. Huzzah.
* SELF-FINANCED NHS - live operations on TV,
medical freaks paraded in circuses, and sexy
nurse webcams. They are sitting on a goldmine
and yet they spend our taxes. GAH!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SiX, rosenberg1,
spiny, supres, jjangell and hahn Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Waxdart for the
title. His fault.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7542645
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NOT-VERY-SICKIPEDIA:
"Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my
hearing."
"What are the symptoms?"
"They're those yellow people on TV."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
