NEWSLETTER: "NOT THE ONLY HOUR YOU'LL LOSE THIS WEEKEND"
This Week:
* ANIM - Code Code Code
* EVENT - The 'Rickmob'
* VID - Cardboard Tron
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________ ____ __ ___"My girlfriend makes me
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | sleep in the wet patch.
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | You'd think that at 8
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| years old she'd have
stopped pissing the bed"
B3ta email 321 - Ted Rogers FTW - 28 Mar 2008
Also available in black, tan and beige
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue321/
Sub Sub: [email protected]
The Doves: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Guitar Hero competition
We have been talked into promoting our Guitar
Hero competition on the b3ta newsletter, but
after the famous Virgin Media fiasco our client
is understandably a little nervous. So go ahead
and enter, but please please please please, no
reflectoporn, Goatse, nudity, vomiting, scat or
subversion of any kind. Just good clean fun, or
you'll get us in all sorts of trouble. We
appreciate your co-operation.
Clicky to see Lemmy and a bunch of loons in
our promo viral:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Code, The Curse and California
>> Code Code Code <<
Your newsletter team made this song about
writing code whilst feeling miserable. Also
contains our home-made laptop.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-1130...
>> The lady curse explained <<
Koit triumphantly returns to demystify the
female reproductive system through the medium
of song. With all that acapella going on inside
them, it's no wonder they get a little testy
from time to time.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Blo...
>> California <<
"I've fixed the advert," beams Jonti Picking.
Essentially, he's made one tiny alteration to
the celebrity-laden commercial for US holidays
that's running at the moment. It did, however,
make us snort with a disproportionate amount of
glee.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/California/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your first fag
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on our private
gopher/ftp site.
Recently we asked you about your experiences
smoking cigarettes, party because your Ginger
Fuhrer stopped smoking last summer and was
curious to do a straw poll on the attitudes to
tobacco. Lols all round then! But we did learn
that marijuana is a gateway drug. But to cigs,
not smack.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/smoking/
>> This Week's Question <<
Back in 2004 we asked for your tales of the
turd, and several of you asked for a second
bite of the anal cheery, so it's back: Shit
Stories Two: Poo in the City.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/shitstories2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Rick mob <<
Here's a date for your diary - Friday 11th
April, Liverpool Street Station, the plan is
to be there for 6 and sing the Astley classic
Never Going To Give You - to effectively combine
flashmobbing and rickrolling into one horrific
combo, and rickroll an entire train station.
BTW: We were invited to turn up by Alex
'million dollar home page' Tew, whose flat
might be worth robbing seeing as you now know
when it will be empty.
http://www.rickmob.com
Astley comments on rickrolling here:
http://snipurl.com/astley-in-a-noose
>> George Clooney, 2 Girls, 1 Cup <<
Continuing the theme of celebs plus crap web
memes Malchick informs, "This is a pretty
standard magazine interview with the George
Clooney, until you reach page three, whereupon
they show him 2 Girls 1 Cup. The transcript is
brilliant, and I love the mental image of one
of Hollywood's most politically active men
dragging friends into the room to watch it."
http://www.esquire.com/features/george-clooney-040...
>> Food packaging vs. reality <<
"I know rubbish or dodgy looking food is a firm
newsletter favourite.", predicts David
correctly, "Here's a comparison I found of the
discrepancy between food packets and what's
inside."
http://snipurl.com/ooh-pictures
>> Keyboard madness <<
We've always had a dreadful relationship with
computer keyboards, probably smashing at least
3 a year in pathetic rage, but we've always
been to busy to design our own. If we could
though, it would look exactly like this.
http://mykeyboard.co.uk/microswitch/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Big animals licking small animals
"The internet is a long way off running out of
cute," scolds nilid69, "What about all the big
animals licking small animals pictures that
must be out there? Here is giraffe licking
squirrel." Ooh, there could be a popular blog
in that idea.
http://animals.m0.timduru.org/ids/albums/squirrel/...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Cardboard Tron <<
The iconic light cycle scene from Tron, a
deadly game of Nokia snake, now recreated using
cardboard boxes and Frenchmen. Formidable.
http://snipurl.com/tron-not-pron
>> Slow-motion anti-gun campaign <<
Some really lovely high-speed photography of
bullets smashing things, used to drive home the
point that guns are dangerous. It did sort of
make us want to go out and blow things up while
listening to classical music though. That looks
like a lot of fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Robot loves to drum <<
It's not so much the drumming itself, as the
quirky personality shown by this tiny
mechanical percussionist, as he quickly scans a
room to find a suitable surface for drumming.
All he wants to do is lay down a funky rhythm.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Musical_Robot
>> Quincy theme - now with lyrics <<
Oooh! New idea alert! Why not take a classic TV
theme tune and write your own words? Why not,
indeed?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quincy_Opening_With_Lyri...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not very funny, not at all cornery
WRIGHT HASSALL - Perhaps stealing Sue Yoo's
crown for best lawyer name ever. Or maybe it's
some sort of honesty-in-naming thing they have
going on in Leamington Spa.
http://www.wrighthassall.co.uk/
STDCLINIC - More a case of clever than stupid,
this site for designer Steve Turner. We still
giggled like schoolboys, obviously.
http://www.stdclinic.co.uk/
PHALLIC FRUITS - This bulbous growth purports
to be an apple - we have our doubts, however.
http://flickr.com/photos/vdz/80784823/in/set-16203...
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: NAUGHTY STEP (absolutely NSFW section - no joke)
Challenging wank material
>> Breakfast TV fake nudes <<
In a page that's as likely to last on blogspot
for about 10 minutes after we post this
newsletter comes this rather disturbing
collection of nudey ladies from UK morning TV.
If you ever wonder what the bloke who fixes
your printer wanks over, then look no further.
http://celeblover2007.blogspot.com/
>> Dirty Disney <<
Fantastic collection of Disney ladies having
sex. We particularly enjoyed Beast's (from
'Beauty and the...') furry cock.
http://www.redtube.com/8404
>> Wikipedia mother-lode of wrong <<
Whilst looking up ejaculation on wikipedia (the
mind wanders, you know how it is) we were
amused that someone had uploaded an example
video - a complete spunky jack-off that plays
in the corner of the screen whilst you read the
dry medical facts. Nosey to learn who would do
such a thing we click to find, "I declare and
certify that I created and made the video
- ImaLearner" And then? The best bit, a category
called "bad images", which lists each and every
cock, tit and vag on wikipedia. Exhibitionists
one and all - and we salute each and every one
of them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Bad_images
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Star Trek Challenge
Last week we wanted you to salute the genius of
William Shatner.
Your favourites included:
* RIKER - not nearly as good as Spock (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8210996
* DATA - to boldly go where this particular
source image has never been before (The Great
Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8213019
* SPORK - panic in the transporter room
(shrinking_man)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8198663
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/star_trek/
>> New challenge: Famous Babies <<
After cooing gleefully over b3tard Wildyles'
lovely picture of Patrick Moore as a tot, this
week's challenge suggested itself: famous
babies.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/babies/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BALLPOINT PEN REVIEW - A quick gander at an
odd Amazon product page we featured a while ago
threw up this, which made us smile; "What were
Bic thinking of when they released this
product? I have been attempting to use this
item almost continuously for three months now,
but I still can't shave with it. "
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000JTOYL...
* ARCHIE MEETS PULP VID - After looking at last
week's retelling of Common People through comic
strips, theholefiller "decided it would 'only'
take a few minutes to link them up to the Pulp
song itself. Many hours later it was finally
done." And thanks very much for doing that -
it's rather enjoyable.
http://b3ta.com/links/Archie_meets_Common_People_v...
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: FRIDAY GAME
What's your porn score?
Bored out of our tiny minds whilst filling in a
tax return we invented a game: type 'tits' into
a google image search and see how many pages
you have to go before you can name an actress.
The lower the score, the hairier your palms.
BTW: Our score was 9, which surprised us
slightly.
http://images.google.co.uk/images
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MANTERNITY WEAR - make some large flowing
smocks for the man with the growing gut.
* FUCKLEGANGERS - look up your own name on
Facebook, and find your opposite-sex equivalent
(eg. Rob Manuel to Robyn Manuel), then shag
them. We reckon that there would be a certain
frisson that would make it fun - like incest
but without the police getting involved.
* PENIS SIGS - "how difficult would it be to
incorporate a primitive but recognisable penis
into a signature?" asks thefoggypoo. "Say your
name was Henry Morgan and you signed the Henry
with a lower case h and with the Morgan part
you wrote the Morgan beginning directly below
the h with a loopy M as opposed to the capital
M like upside down Vs."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by morbit, Erik
Beaton, HappyToast, Robin, popescock, thekatt,
Chopper3, Mrs Trellis and bogus official. Where
did you get those shoes? Where did you get
those shoes? Tescos. Tescos. Tescos made your
shoes. Subjlols from Mrs Trellis Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Make kids' bathtime more fun by gaffer-taping a
hairdryer to an ice-cream container to make an
exciting powerboat. (Maudlin McCann)
FYI: Mitsy writes, "Thanks for doing my top tip
in the newsletter last week, especially so,
since you already used it once before. For
things we'd like to see, how about a Tubgirl
chocolate fountain? It would make a great
conversation piece at parties."
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SICKIPEDIA:
What do you call a dog with one leg? Heather.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
