NEWSLETTER: "AND THEN GOD CREATED SATURN... AND HE LIKED IT, SO HE PUT A RING ON IT. "
This Week:
* CARTOON - Vagina Dentata
* VIDEO - James Bond's annoying calls
* QUESTION OF THE WEEK - Gingers, oh god
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Save 6 Music. Press
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Ctrl S whilst listening
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to the podcast."
B3ta email 417 - 26 Feb 2010
Learn the secrets to defeat Bowser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue417/
Civil Partnership: [email protected]
Dissolved: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Vagina, Bond, Atari, Goatse, Goo
>> Vagina Dentata Lion King Style <<
"This is a video we me and my girl made,"
explains drreverendfantastic, "for your
delectation and deliberation." NSFW redub of
the Lion King because it's about, you know,
muffs with molars.
http://snurl.com/vaginadentata
>> Casino Royale phone calls <<
An exasperated Bond has to deal with incessant
phone calls from M, wittering on about
Shakespeare. Cute idea from Idiofy that's
amazingly convincing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Casino_Royale_Phone_call...
>> Atari 2600 cover art quiz <<
Match the polished cover art to the rudimentary
game graphics of the 1977 Atari 2600 console.
"The fact it's quite easy shows what fine work
the artists did," points out monkeon.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/boxart/
>> GoatKCD <<
"GoatKCD locates the last panel of [popular
webcomic] XKCD strips and replaces them with...
well, take a wild guess," blurts rufoa. If you
guessed goatse, give yourself a lollipop.
Weirdly, goatse works great as a punchline.
BTW: linking to the 'SFW' version that just
uses a line drawing of the legendary two-fisted
display.
http://goatkcd.com/608/sfw
>> Goo's Got Talent III <<
Due to careless reading of the contract, Jonti
gets paid in creme eggs for making these
spectacular Cadbury's Easter animations. He now
weighs 23 stone and has gone blind, but he's
earned it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Flirting
Last week we asked for your flirting tips. In
amongst the fantasy porn, there's some lovely
stuff. We wish "pixel_ficker" well on his date
tonight:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flirting/
* CHECK-IN - "Business trip to Cardiff, hotel
check-in has a fit Aussie receptionist, "Would
you like a newspaper in the morning sir?" "Yes
please. I don't suppose you could get your
hands on a 'Scotsman' could you?" "Oh I'd love
to get my hands on a Scotsman sir!" "Perfect.
What time do you finish?" "11 o'clock!" "I'll
see you in the bar." My female colleague, stood
just behind me, rolled her eyes and turned to
the man behind her in the queue, muttering "I
have to put up with this idiot for a living."
(Reverend Fister)
* CHECK-OUT - "In my local minimarket. I go
over to the till. The bored-looking girl rings
the items through and gets to the garlic
sausage. A long, phallic chunk of garlicky
goodness. She tries to ring it through. It
doesn't work. She examines the barcode,
realises it's scrunched up and proceeds to
flatten it out with her hands. I watch, gulping
down air as this bored teenager proceeded to
wank off my sausage with dexterity and
expertise. A sex ninja, performing the perfect
hand-job. I just couldn't let it pass. "Now
that's a lucky sausage." She gazed up at me,
realising what it looked like, and, thankfully,
let out a little laugh. "All part of the
service," she said. In the most smutty way
imaginable. I was hooked. For the next week I
made a point of visiting every night on my way
home. By the end of the week my fridge was
stocked with a smorgasbord of phallic food
items. She was only a kid, it was only a bit of
harmless flirting, but it sort of passed the
time. Until I went in to be greeted by Mr
Shah's familiar, screwed up old face. Feeling a
little disappointed, I said, "That girl you had
in here last week. The things she said she'd do
with a Peperami. Pwhhoooo!" Mr Shah finished
packing my gear. "And that would be my
daughter," said Mr Shah." (SpankyHanky)
* CHECK PRESCRIPTION - "There's some daft
person near me who's flirting with a tree! On
my commute to work, I drive past a tree that
somebody keeps buying cards and flowers for! I
dunno what he/she sees in it - it's not even a
particularly nice tree (it has a big, scorched
chunk taken out of one side of it)" (Zak
McFlimby)
>> This Week's Question: Gingers <<
What does the world have against Gingers? We
ask this out of genuine confusion, not to hear
a load of old ginger jokes, so skip over those.
Talk to us here, flame-haired gods:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ginger/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Macabre kids' alphabet <<
A charming A-Z of children meeting grisly
fates. Classic, gothy illustration from Edward
Gorey.
http://elizabethandjames.com/elizabeth/random/gore...
>> Ages of social network users <<
Interesting study showing who uses which social
networking site. Handy, so that we can know
where to hang out and feel young. And where to
hunt for silver fox...
http://snurl.com/socialnetworkages
>> Colour study <<
Surprisingly interesting in-depth
questionnaire, to help you to discover your
favourite colour.
http://splash.clubdevo.com/colorstudy/
>> Fake receipt generator <<
Viral marketing for a restaurant that lets you
fake up taxi rides, stationery shopping and the
like so you can claim a luxury meal on company
expenses. No way this could backfire at all.
http://expenseasteak.com/
>> Linkbait Generator <<
The long-awaited public release of the magic
engine that powers cracked.com. Need a catchy
blog post title? Keep pressing the button and
watch the ideas flow.
http://linkbaitgenerator.com/index.php
>> Candid photos of "celebrities" <<
Paris bribing an inmate? Marilyn having a
crafty wank? No, they're lookalikes but shh!
http://snurl.com/doubletake
>> Fucking windows <<
Spectacularly childish and the most-submitted
link of the week. Took us ages to figure out
what to actually do.
http://www.fucking-windows.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now available in 2d
>> Avatar-obsessed weirdos <<
There's two types of geek. Those who never
leave the house and those who only leave the
house dressed as their favourite characters
from whatever nerd fiction is trending at the
moment. This week is Avatar but the nerds are
still nerds whatever decade it is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/avatar_obsessed_weirdos
>> Golf Sale: The Movie <<
Anyone who's walked down Oxford Street or
visited our very own boards knows about the
Golf Sale guys who stand there holding their
lonely and mysterious signs all day and every
day. What a great idea for a surprisingly heart
warming short film.
http://snurl.com/golfsale
>> Taiwan TV on Gordon Brown's "bullying" <<
An inexplicable take on the Bullygate affair.
Possibly they're just taking the piss.
http://snurl.com/bullybrown
... and instantly parodied by our very own
Mutated Monty.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crouching_Gordon_Brown_D...
>> David Cameron exposed <<
A lovely bit of political mockery by Armando
Iannucci. BTW: Reality TV pitch. "The Osbornes"
This week George and Adam go, "RAH! RAH! RAH!
Let's go and get some prostitutes and drugs.
Top wheeze eh?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Call_me_Dave_exposed
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: PUNNY NAME CORNER
Greatest name for a carpenter ever?
And a reference to one of our favourite films
of all time too.
http://tweetphoto.com/12475650
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: CHATROULETTE
Fucking hell, it's got its own section
The last couple of weeks everyone has gone
mental for Chatroulette, if you haven't caught
it yet, it's a video chatroom that assigns you
random people to talk to. Invariably you sit
there pressing next until you see someone
attractive and then they press next and then
you feel rejected. Also there's been loads of
secondary content thrown up by the whole
experience - here's the best:
* A DAY IN THE CHATROULETE OFFICE. Amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/made_me_grin_like_the_re...
* SCREENSHOTS FROM CHATROULETTE. Also amusing.
http://chatroulette.tumblr.com/
* A SHORT FILM ABOUT CHATROULETTE. Insightful.
http://vimeo.com/9669721
BTW: Our own experiences include pointing it at
our family preparing dinner. People seemed
quite interested in this and didn't press next.
Also, wearing a silly hat and singing songs
worked better than just looking grumpy and old.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sci-Fi Advertising
Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us what the
stars of science fiction have sold to them
through the medium of advertising
Your favourites included:
* PROSTITUTION - open a telephone box in any
part of the universe, and you'll be faced with
this (An Eagle in Your Mind)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9928536
* ARNIE - not strictly following the challenge
guidelines, but a brilliantly topical pun
nonetheless (nicestnihilist)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9923437
* TORY - even the most evil of sci-fi monsters
have some limits, you know (Guy Incognito)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9925509
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifiadvertising/
>> New challenge: Dangerous Hospitals <<
Imagine a world in which hospital was the last
place you'd take a sick person: show us the
terrifying surgical tools, the bad practice,
and the scary staff
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hospitals/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPIDERMAN WILL MAKE YOU GAY MEGAMIX - 9 years
ago your GInger Fuhrer wrote a throwaway song
called "I'm not gay" and mixed it with an
animated gif of Spiderman dancing about. Here
he revisits it for a quick history lesson:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spiderman_will_make_you_...
* TRACKSWAP - "It's like Youtube Swap but for
music," writes bobsworthindustries,"Since many
people were submitting music videos with
Youtube Swap (and I discovered a few new
artists who I like), I made a version just for
music, which uses songs from Grooveshark.
Discover new music thanks to internet
strangers!"
http://trackswap.bobsworthindustries.com/
* WEEBL TATTOO - pleasing to know web idiots
are still tattooing Jonti's memes for all
eternity onto their precious flesh. We're just
personally glad our Hamster Dance tats will
never go out of fashion.
http://snurl.com/tastesjustlikeraisins
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: FRIDAY GAME
Robot Unicorn Attack
In what our own boarders are calling, "Probably
the most lol-gay game in the world" comes your
chance to live the unicorn dream. BTW: For a
while we thought the music was Never Ending
Story by Limahl but eventually we twigged is
was Erasure.
http://snurl.com/unicornattack
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NANOBOTS THAT FLOSS TEETH - our dentist is
moaning that we don't floss enough and we're
trying but it's really painful.
* ALCOHOL TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR FIVE-A-DAY -
*shakes fist at nanny state*
* SOCKS ON ELASTICATED STRING - like gloves
used to be. Then we'd never lose them, although
we might garrotte our testes.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Just Juan
Cornetto, wuffle the space bunny, via
injektilo, disco_doctor, NickHS, danielbevis,
SetecAstronomy, Griffy Savalas, NickHS,
@andertoons, @bonytoad, Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,
Bobsworth, cr3, SickRik, azerty, irishstu,
pissflaps. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Thom90. Sickipedia gag via
Tinpotbob.
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Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course,
you dissolve it in water.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
