NEWSLETTER: "YOUR OTHER INADVERTENT WEEKLY DOSE OF ANTI-PSYCHOTICS"
This Week:
* MONSTERS - 'Previously on Doctor Who'
* DUCT TAPE - vs Tron
* BEN WHEATLEY - talks Kill List
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're renting out
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | our buy-to-let to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Gaddafi... together"
B3ta email 493 - 26 Aug 2011
Read this on your shitty £80 HP tablet:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue493/
Joiners: [email protected]
Nailers: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Roberts MP43
This week we were stuck for which magic music
box to buy for getting tunes into the kitchen.
We wanted iPod dock, Dab & CD - but screw
streaming as our thick walls mean that stuff
never works for us. Asked on Twitter and got
several recommendations for the Roberts. It's
like a budget Bose Wave; £200 instead of £800 -
but what a sound! It's changed our kitchen life;
we'll never leave it, just sit here listening to
endless Kraftwerk albums and drinking tea. Key
phrase: Super-detailed sound that made us hear
bits in Bowie's Low we didn't know were there.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001EN5EM...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then fax our amsphone:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making the other b3tans cry
>> Previously, on Doctor Who <<
"New Doctor Who starts tomorrow and many folks
won't have time to watch all 777 episodes to get
caught up in time. So I've made this brief
montage of the whole damn thing," blushes
Vampiremonkeyonspeed. Highly enjoyable, if only
to revel in very, very bad vintage SFX.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Oui Oui, Je Suis Gerard Depardieu <<
"A haw hee haw," drawls Fat Boab as he musically
mocks the Gallic star's recent bathroom
malfunction.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oui_Oui_Je_Suis_Gerard_D...
>> Thirty! <<
"This is a short, one-level game I made to mark
my 30th birthday," moans yanmania, "and to show
how I feel about it!" Yep, that game concept
covers 30th birthdays well - also every
subsequent birthday of your life.
http://www.yanmania.com/index.php/comments/91/
>> I Swear, You're Famous <<
"Because I am a twat, whenever I interview
anyone vaguely well-known, I try to get a photo
of myself stood next to them swearing," explains
mikeisbrill. "I want a fucking coffee-table book
deal out of this." Hopefully this will make Mike
a celebrity, then we can get a coffee-table book
from being photographed next to him.
http://iswearyourefamous.tumblr.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Performance in front of people
We wanted to know if you've ever performed in
front of an audience, voluntarily or otherwise,
and got very different tales of mirth and woe:
* BOG SONG - 'I'm heading for the toilets in a
Mexican restaurant. As I enter, I can't fail to
notice a tall black guy at the sinks combing his
hair, wearing an electric pink zoot suit,
complete with 70s-pimp-style pink fedora, I
guess he was on his way to perform somewhere. I
head for the cubicle, and am innocently minding
my own business when I hear the pink dude
starting to sing "Boogie Nights" to himself. A
couple of lines in, the unseen occupant in the
next cubicle starts to harmonise, singing the
high parts. Now, I'm not particularly musical,
but I do know this song and can hit low notes,
so when the appropriate moments came I chimed in
with the "Got to keep on dancing, keep on
dancing". After the song ended I heard him say
"Oh man, I can't believe nobody heard that!'
(Moon Monkey)
* NAME WRONG - 'I was nine years old and the
school was bucking the trend of awful nativity
plays with an ambitious stab at Dickens' A
Christmas Carol instead. I really wanted Scrooge
or one of the ghosts but playing Bob Cratchett
knocked wearing a bed-sheet and shining a torch
at three shepherds into a cocked hat. The
opening scene was beautifully simple. Two desks
on stage, Scrooge's front and centre with Bob's
slightly behind and to the side. Each, in turn,
illuminated by a single spotlight as the
characters introduced themselves; Scrooge saying
how he believed in hard work and that Christmas
was a nonsense before moving on to Bob extolling
the joys that Christmas can bring. I was buzzing
with excitement. This was real theatre!
Scrooge's light comes on: "My name is Ebeneezer
Scrooge and I run a tight ship. I have no time
for joy or frivolity and detest Christmas. It's
a poor excuse to rob a man's pocket every
December 25th and a humbug! HUMBUG!" My turn. My
light comes on. This is it. I stand up and,
addressing the audience in my finest theatre
voice, loudly proclaim: "My name is Bob
Catshit." I was a tree the next year.'
(R.Jimlad)
* SWEARS FOR THE DEAF - "I work as a sign
language interpreter so I am usually up in front
of people, such as groups of teenagers at
college, arty farty types at festival talks and
events, information events, wedding speeches,
suited and booted serious types at work meetings
or training or conferences, anything you can
imagine doing in your life, I could be there sat
in front of you. Most people are interested
enough to watch for a bit to see what is going
on with that lady flapping her hands around at
the front, then generally lose interest and
concentrate on the speaker. All audiences have
one thing in common though, no matter who they
are. You can 100% guarantee that the second, THE
VERY SECOND any one utters the words, shit,
fuck, bollocks, erectile dysfunction, vagina,
marijuana, cocaine, fuck, sex, breasts, balls,
penis, nipples, semen, cock, wanker, thrush,
bullshit, masturbation, poo, wee, diarrhea or
any other 'rude' word you can think of, every
single eye in the house will turn to me, and
look to see 'Ooooooooooo how do you sign
THAT!'" (Herb Alperts Taxi Driver)
>> This week: Overheard secrets <<
Ever heard someone blurt out their deepest, most
embarrassing secrets, unaware that B3tan ears
are listening in? Don't just sit there, tell us.
http://b3ta.com/questions/overheard/
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: COME TO THE HERO OF SWITZERLAND EXHIBITION
You know you want to. Oh yes.
Hero of Switzerland will be hosting and curating
a group show at the VZ Gallery off of Brick Lane
in Shoreditch from September 1st to 14th. We
like them because they collect all the crappy
top tips from magazines for cheap lols.
http://goo.gl/1DhZ0
Their top tips stuff:
http://goo.gl/rxkd9
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Stocking is the new planking <<
Planking: the art of lying like a plank to,
well, look like a plank.
Stocking: the art of posing exactly like a
contrived stock photo.
Pandering: giving the internet exactly what it
wants in the hope of getting attention:
http://www.stockingisthenewplanking.com
>> Why did you unfollow me? <<
A psychology of Twitter infographic.
Insightful but missing some of the reasons we
unfollowed people recently:
1. Posting hang 'em flog 'em guff after the
riots.
2. Telling Tom Watson off for boring on about
Murdoch.
3. Disagreeing with us about the best jam.
http://tinyurl.com/3jze3fl
>> HMV Oxford Street in the 1960s <<
Civilisation is extraordinary. To make sure
people keep buying stuff and the capitalist
wheels keep turning there's a constant change of
fashions and technology - this is called
consumer society. The other side of it is that we
look back 50 years and barely recognise our
world. There must be something better that can
be done with the earth's precious resources.
http://t.co/qnfGSWf
>> Have they remade Back To The Future yet? <<
Hollywood loves remaking classic movies as it's
an easy pitch. "Schindler's List with Eddie
Murphy!" but fans hate it. It's like literally
taking a dump on their childhood memories. The
campaign starts now to Save BTTF.
http://www.havetheyremadebacktothefutureyet.com
>> Switcheroo <<
You know those headswap photoshops? Imagine
that but without photoshop - no I don't mean an
exciting new world of serial killer photography
where they saw the heads off (as good as that
would be) but simply clothes swapping. Warning:
Those whose sexuality is largely based upon
the cues of clothing might become aroused then
wonder if they're gay.
http://sincerelyhana.com/projects/switcheroo/
>> Scary Korean comic <<
Featuring an awesome technique that Scott
McCloud could probably spin out into a new book
where he optimistically hopes it could save the
entire comics industry.
http://t.co/Bay1ano
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
As capitalism eats itself and ruins the world
* BETTER THE BREVILLE YOU KNOW - We finally knew
society was doomed when Breville attempted to
converge the radio and the toaster. Tempted to
buy one and claim the two slots are for burning
MP3s on your iPad.
http://goo.gl/qOWre
* BONO IS A SHONKY BASTARD - U2 have spun out
one of their shitty old albums to 10 disks for
£75. As if Bono's Facebook $billion wasn't
enough. What are you going to do with the money
Bono? Stick a hat on the moon? What kind of fan
buys this - to surround themselves in U2 junk
and lay there masturbating thinking of Larry
Mullen Jnr?
http://goo.gl/pyslO
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with bonus b.b.b.buffering
>> 3D Printer made from LEGO <<
But wait... it's not THAT one, this is a 3D
printer. Well, okay, it's a milling machine, the
difference being that a milling machine carves
something out of a solid block. Still, very
impressive and unbelievably accurate.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Printer_made_from_LEGO
>> Duct tape vs. Tron <<
Exciting ad for duct tape that not only homages
an iconic Tron scene but goes the extra mile for
internet lols. (We feature the ad as we know
many of our readers like to keep a roll or two
in their backpacks.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awesome_duct_tape_ad
>> "Portal Gun" <<
Excellent short film about a woman with one of
they awesome portal guns, from the computer game
of the same name.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Portal_Gun
>> Shitty indescribable advert <<
The joy of the mass amateurisation of everything
is seeing how crappy advertising can be. Truly
awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Normal women posing like models in public <<
Enjoyable in a Beadle's About kind of way, in
seeing the public's reactions. People are
genuinely concerned that the "models" are unwell.
http://youtu.be/GPEcdcmnAA0
>> Firefighter Exam <<
Impressive speed demonstration of getting a
ladder off an engine and fireman into a
building. Wouldn't want to be in their way; you
could end up just as dead as being caught in the
fire.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Firefighter_Exam
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We only run this shit out of self-loathing
* SWEDISH COMPANY 'LOCUM' WITH AN UNFORTUNATE
LOGO - we're so bored of this stuff we could
barely work up the enthusiasm to click the link,
but we laughed despite ourselves and then
plunged into a trough of depression.
http://yfrog.com/h2lsjdej
* VIBRATORS - @ImVincentMurphy writes, "I see
Ann Summers have released their new organic
rabbit range." If That's Life was still being
made they'd bite your arm off for this link.
It's that good.
http://twitpic.com/6bbx3d
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: BEN WHEATLEY
Come and see his new film Kill List
Old school B3tan Ben has followed up Down
Terrace with something that's going to be at
proper cinemas. Genuinely impressive stuff, so
we've caught up with him for a quickie interview.
B3ta: Fucking hell Ben, you've actually managed
decent stab at a proper career in film making.
How?
Ben: I am as surprised about it as you. Next
year I am making the comic I used to post on the
board called "I Macrobane" into a film starring
Nick Frost.. what about that?
B3ta: Filming Kill List - what did you learn?
Ben: I learnt that working with loads of naked
people isn't as distracting as I thought it would
be.
B3ta: Ideal has been cancelled because you no
longer work on it yes?
Ben: If that was the reason I'd have offered to
do another series to keep it going. Sadly, the
world doesn't actually revolve around me. It was
just the BBC being cunty.
B3ta: Tell us an anecdote about someone famous
you've met.
Ben: I ran into Brian Blessed in the street the
other week. I was with Kill List Producer Andy
Starke. I introduced Andy to Brian (I know him
from Wrong Door) and he said "HELLO ANDY...
WHAT'S THAT?" and pointed to Andy's shirt. Andy
looked down and Brian smacked him in the face.
Brian Blessed. Legend.
B3ta: Plug your film. Plug it like the wind.
Ben: Kill List is a horror film and it's really
horrible. There is extreme bloody violence and
mass nudity. Unlike Down Terrace (my last film,
available in Asda for £2 apparently) it might
actually be on at a cinema near you from next
Friday.
There's also a premiere of my Frightfest on
Sunday could you pimp it up? It's been getting
some good reviews and that.
http://www.frightfest.co.uk/2011films/killlist.htm...
Watch the trailer here. And read the YouTube
comments from jealous film geeks who haven't got
their act together to make a feature film:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: BYE BYE SLASHDOT FOUNDER
CmdrTaco resigns
Back when we started B3ta in 2001 one of our
influences was Slashdot, one of the few sites
that understood that putting the site members at
the heart of the content was the obvious way
forward. Of course, now the world and its dog
does it, but back then it was hard to convince
anyone (well anyone with power and money) that
it was the way to go. So long then, Rob Malda, we
always loved you more than Kevin Rose anyway.
http://t.co/k5IYrle
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kid's TV Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent new shows for
children's television.
Your favourites included:
* RACIST - revived Clangers franchise proves
unpopular with modern audience (E Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/10514129
* WARPED - like regular Sesame Street, but with
added post-apocalyptic madness and killing (2
Can Chunder)
http://b3ta.com/board/10512313
* MASH-UP - inventing amazing programme spinoffs
so commissioning editors don't have to (fuxtix)
http://b3ta.com/board/10514361
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/newkidstv/
>> New challenge: Dark Disney <<
Disney is a wonderful, family-oriented company.
But imagine if their characters were real, and
had real-world problems. This week's challenge
is to portray their miserable lives. Challenge
suggested by fluffybunnykiller
http://b3ta.com/challenge/notdisney/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WHO IS CONNING WHO? A Tracey Emin piss-take
from Beau Bo D'Or signed by Tracey Emin is being
sold online.
http://www.ou1.com/119
* RTing OUR OWN FAN MAIL - @youvebinframed
writes," Hi B3ta, Thanks for making our Twitter
feed @youvebinframed your follow Friday it means
a lot to us, we've been massive fans of B3ta for
years and this is something of a anoraky geek
highpoint for us. Cheers! :)"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIKIBITUARIES - barryheadwound asks,
"Everybody knows that all the major news media
maintain a load of obituaries on the shelf ready
for when ageing or particularly hardcore public
figures drop off the twig, and equally there's
the old wikideaths lark of killing people off on
Wikipedia. Why not bring the two together to
create a resource where a community of -
admittedly probably a bit morbid - people
maintain a resource of user-generated obituaries
for slebs and other public figures?"
* LED ZEPPELIN MINUS ROBERT PLANT - kael asks,
"Is there anyone out there in b3ta-ville with
musical-computer-skills magical enough to
totally remove all of Robert Plant's
contributions to the oeuvre of Led Zeppelin?
Sometimes I wish he would just shut up, and I'd
love to hear an alternative universe version of
Zep where they were purely instrumental." We
agree with this - Plant's voice has always put
us off the Zep, despite Page's amazing guitar
work.
* A BUTTON TO TURN OFF TOBY YOUNG - a nation
would thank you. Christ they even let the
tosser on the radio now.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Just imagining a home bacon maker.
You put a pig in it overnight and wake up to the
smell of fresh bacon. Stuff sent in by
@SetecAstronomy, @cr3, @rupinjapan, @Popjustice,
@laurasnapes, @Itsallaboutcake, @lulutitters,
@benjymous, robneymcplum, @CianHa, via Stashie,
@megpickard, Pazuzu, @sirthopas & @JohnMoynes. I
like to measure out my toothpaste at about a
quarter of the length of my proboscis. I have a
signal to nose ratio of 1:4. Top Tippery by "How
Soon Is Now?" If my willy was the big hand and
my balls the the small hand the time would
currently be about 6:30. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Sometimes I
like making my hand go to sleep and pretending
it's someone else making me drink tea. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke, except when it's Scary
Duck. Subjlols by joefish.
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TOP TIP:
Avoid hearing Big Brother talk at work by taking
a dump in the office lift. It will instantly
become the only topic of the day.
